It felt so right when our hot breath collided---his hesitant touches---my grasp against his lips---our eyes half-lidded with hazy desire. It was...
Mad. Insane. Deadly.
And perfect.
He's been ignoring me. I don't blame him, I mean, how in the hell did I let this happen, and why did I want it so much? How could I NOT have seen it coming! I'm really the perfect fool, and even bigger a fool to think he really meant...meant that......... maybe I didn't either...? Sure. And maybe one day Allie will come back. Whatever.
That moment was my forever, and even if nothing comes out of this---I'll still have forever, that moment.
On a positive side note, I guess?: I haven't seen or heard from Faryn all day. But, I had a eerie feeling, and even though I was glad I didn't run into Faryn, I mean, The Twins---I felt raw inside, like something was very, very wrong. The Warden was very tired today, dark circles under his eyes and everything. Every time I saw him, he looked as though he would cry. I didn't have to guts to ask where Faryn went, or if she had been fired. It seemed like the Warden had been in a month-long high, and was now just sobering up---with all the usual side effects, and hell, I can't even begin to fathom one iota of what he is going through.
Alice brought up her suspicions of Faryn being fired in a very nonchalant way (Which I despised her for, I mean, I thought the Warden was oblivious...), but by the very mention of her name, the Warden twitched nervously and walked away. I really don't think he even remembers what happened the last several weeks. I really don't.
He's like a ticking time bomb, ready to burst at any moment. And because of this, Superjail is starting to suffer. Usually, even when he is in a not so great mood, Superjail is still pretty cheerful, well, I mean even though many in-mates die and do kill each other, and millions of horrible acts are committed in here, just above the surface, it always looks bright and cheery. Not today, though; it was dark, thundering, and cruelly cold. No one went outside today.
I need to keep strong for him. I just keep telling myself that. But just by writing it I feel like a fool. I am trying to forget what happened yesterday, but it is still so vivid, so fresh, so intoxicating---and whenever I LET myself linger on it, I feel my reality shatter and simultaneously reassemble all over. It's so searingly painful---and so intoxicating dizzy, I can't seem to get out of my head once I start thinking on it.
--
How do you get yourself into these predicaments, Jared, do you practice?
I ask myself quietly, as soft, trembling whimpers crawl from his throat.
He practically falls in my arms, as he runs blindly into my office, stumbling towards me. I get up, walking slowly around my desk---quickly being clobbered by his shaking frame. He hugs me so tight, I literally can't breath. I choke a little; his voice barely tolling above a whisper as he says, "I'm sorry---" loosening his hold some, but as a result, he shakes more.
I hesitantly wrap my arms around his back---wondering on how it felt so damn good to feel needed without trying.
And soon I'm getting comfortable with his weight, even though my back is digging into the desk.... I whispered, "I---I'm... I'm here for you."
"O--oh Ja-Jared...ohh god..." He sobbed out, his voice trembling, breath quivering, eyes red. I didn't notice till then, but as his hands stopped shaking, and his gasping cries were softened, I noticed I had been circling my fingers against his back. I blushed and stopped. He's practically purring, and like a cat, stops the incessant drone once I stop the attention.
He looks up at me, and smiles, his body much calmer. "I should have...listened to you." He says quietly, murmuring, his voice not as shaky as before. Even though I had been dreaming of the day he would say that to me, I kept my mouth and ego shut. I cared way too much now to say anything, and I didn't trust myself to anyway.
"You know that if I was myself, I would have seen pas-past that---you know I wouldn't of fallen for that--they wanted me to think that---and I---I just don't know...don't know..." Throughout what seemed like nonsensical dribble, the cause of what was most likely shock, I did my best to try and figure what he was trying to say. I suddenly spoke, clear and high, not here, my mind far away. My body, far away from this. Far, far away.
"I-i-it's okay, Sir, I mean, no one in your position would have seen clearly---"
"No, Jared. Ya know you deserve at least... at least that."
My mouth glued shut at those words, suddenly jolted back from my own thoughts to now.
"I can't really remember anything. All I remember... now... is..." He suddenly became angry, jumping up from our strange embrace. "I'm the Warden, and I can't let anything, anyone, get in the way of Superjail's success, can I?"
"Na--no, sir..."
"Well, I won't let those cretins ruin my life. I will not stand for it!" He stomps his foot into the soft carpet, a muted thump. "People die everyday."
I obviously didn't understand those words until much later---and if I did, I would have been---well, not scared....?
"You know..." He trails off, looking at me suddenly. "I really don't have any idea what has happened in the last several weeks." He said with a odd smile, a nervous smile, and it really made me....
"Jared?" He almost cried out. I finally retracted from the spot my horrid back was placed in, ready to at least try and catch him if he fell.
"What is it? You want to sit dow--"
He touched his forehead, then slowly looked at his hand. His eyes were morose. I was at a standstill.
"I killed her. Didn't I?" He said in a echo, tumbling over, luckily, I caught him, but only barely.
I dragged him gently over to a chair, helping him to sit down.
He murmured softly, sinking into the cushion.
I was in a frantic hysteria. Wanting to soothe him, wanting to know, wanting to hold him and never let go; but holding would never be the same as knowing. Knowing the truth, however fucked up it is. That's what I really needed from him.
I pushed away some strand hairs from his face in my own way to settle myself. Put things in order, somehow.
Before I realized it, I was trailing the backside of my hand along his cheek, toward his lips...
He shuddered and drew closer to me. I stopped.
"I ha-have to stay away... from, uh, you..." He mumbled.
I smiled faintly; looking around my office vainly. I couldn't call Alice. No.
"Can't let you know..."
Huh?
"Ja...Jared..." He murmured tonelessly.
"Yes?" I said in a squeak.
"You know I didn't mean it, right? I didn't know... I di-didn't know..."
Of course. For now, let him rest; we'll figure everything out later.
"Of course. It's okay, rest your eyes." I said softly, surprising myself.
I was fixed on his softening features. Then as I thought about how to tell Alice about this, a clammy hand reached for mine.
Around my wrist lazily, his skin slides down to my fingers, soft at first---then: tight, tight, tight.
--
An hour later, he awoke, and I was busy with some really difficult problem I knew I had to overcome in order to solve the budget thing.
"Oh." He sounded far away, odd.
"Sir?" I asked softly.
"Did I really fall asleep?" He wasn't talking to me. Or anyone it seemed.
My heart was beating and pounding blood in my airways.
He stretched, standing up.
A few moments of thick silence rang in my ears like hollow trees on a still, chirp less morning.
Then he looked at me, and the silence broke. Not because he said anything. It was how he looked at me that said it.
"...What did I tell you?..."
A moment of horror stretched in his muscles, tensing up.
"I---you...I mean, you were just---just upset."
"Ohhh." He looked down, and the silence grew again, his muscles retracting and relaxing. "I've been trying to piece this all together. But I can't. I am losing everything. Everything."
I looked at him, his eyes downcast. "You still have Superjail."
"Yeah." He nodded. "I do."
He leaned against my desk and looked at me anxiously, then quietly... then there was something I couldn't place.
The air seemed to rise to heat, a few degrees up in the room then down to our eye level. Again and again.
His eyes became soft. His lips parted slightly.
I was so distracted by him, I can't imagine how ridiculous I looked. The Warden was so oblivious to how beautiful he can look sometimes.
"Bu--ut." He tapped his pointer finger on the wood of my desk. "I have you too." He smiled with such a quality... something I have only seen when he smiles at Alice.
Only much softer. Much, much softer.
He leaned in a little closer.
I was falling in the Warden's Rabbit Hole, I was lost to the world... lost... in some kind of hot, claustrophobic Wonderland...
"Warden...Warden, I...I," I was stumbling, blushing like an idiot.
He seemed amused by my fumbles.
"You know, you're quite intriguing when you blush."
His words seem to set a motion to me, a motion I couldn't stop.
I leaned a little towards his face and with all my shame and faults and horrible deeds, I let myself go.
"Jared? Whu--"
"I love you!" I cried out, falling back into my chair, my voice with a hint of desperation, my eyes still and open wide.
His face was motionless for a moment, shocked, deeply penetrated by what I had said.
"Ja-Jared? You do?" My mouth was dry.
A few agonizing seconds rolled by like a tidal wave.
"I-I'm sorry! I know you have your own problems! It's okay! You can go! I won't be upset! I won't!" I said in a frantic quickness, my eyes now dripping my new-found love that was never new, only different, different in every moment, but newer and more brilliant everyday---and my blasted eyes allowed me to show it all.
He was focused on me, I could feel it, and strangely, like magnetic energy was in both of our hands, they touched, and even though I wasn't surprised, I was angry for some reason. I flinched and moved away.
He looked at me with confusion.
"Jared...Jared... please..."
"No! Really. I have work to do, sir... I---"
"Stop calling me...stop calling me sir! Okay? Just stop!" He stood up, slamming his fist into the desk.
"WHY?" I suddenly yelled. "You are terrible, you know that? I thought that the Twins would try and kill you! I really felt it! AND YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME, DO YOU?" I started breathing raggedly, not paying attention to the Warden's reaction. "No... no... you never do, do you? Do you?"
"No, I don't." He replied calmly.
"No! And then you come in here and I feel so safe... I feel like we... we maybe could be..."
"How could you loving me be a problem?"
"Huh?" I was caught off guard by this question, I stopped immediately and focused all my attention on him.
"Well, you said I have my own problems, so you implied I might have a issue with you're being in love with me. I mean, why would I? Everyone loves me, right?"
I first was confused, then in a nervous bout of what was my anger, my passion, my grief, I laughed dizzily, feeling lighter all of a sudden. He grinned.
"Well, except Alice..." He sighed, tapping his chin.
I sighed too, letting little titters escape from my body.
He looked at me sweetly, I think he did anyway, and sat down, crossing a leg over the other.
"I think I owe you some background on this. I mean, maybe if I say it outloud, I will understand things better."
"Al--Alright." I took in a deep breath.
He followed.
(A/n: Wow! Intense, right? Well, I know I said this will be the last chapter, but I lied, ok? One more, and this WILL BE DONE!)