I stare at him for the longest time.
Who was--- who is this man?
What name would give him justice?
Impossible, that's what I say.
He doesn't speak for a long while.
I think he's staring at me to.
---Warm salty breath still floats in my mind---
Who are you?
I feel my love shrinking, and growing over and over, like an incessant, desperate toll of tick, tick, tick--- as I am aware of the silent clock behind us.
Who are---
I can't believe I love this man--- who hardly seems to know himself---who hardly knows what it is about him that glows and shines---so brightly sometimes, others can't stand it---others must resent it, resent him, for being so free, or others may just think they're going blind, or crazy.
Who are you?
I think of Allie and I think time is shrinking---escaping---time I could have given our relationship a proper name. What's in a name? A soul? An attempt at meaning? A formality? But then I think, how could I capture something like this, something so profoundly intense, in a single letter, a single sound, a single name? It's impossible.
Who?
I love a man---
Who
I love a entity---
Who are---
I love a ghost---
WHO ARE YOU?
I love---
"Jared?"
I snap out of my daze, looking at him with a soft surprise; red in my cheeks.
"Y-yes?"
"You alright?"
"Fine." I was about to say 'sir' again, but I bit my tongue.
He coughs softly and rustles around in the chair. "I-I guess I'll try to start from the beginning." He eyes me carefully---like an imploring doe, meek... scared?
But I'm not scared, no. Silence starts, but dies weakly when he speaks again.
"Sh--shit..." He says in a breaking cry, a raspy whisper.
My hand travels the wood of the desk, wanting to caress his pain away, wanting to do so much more than sit here. My eyes are fixed on his crystalline cheeks, marked with slippery cascades of wet.
His eyes travel up, up, up to my own eyes. Weary and strange.
My hand freezes.
Who are you.
Strange. Stranger.
"Warden..." I want to touch his hand, I want to---
run away, disappear, love him there, kiss him everywhere, love his soul and wring it out, and let it dry and then smooth out the wrinkles and kiss every single inch---
But I, for the sake of whatever sanity I have left, try to be objective.
Remain objective.
"Huuh?" He sniffles.
I smile. "It's okay. I'm here for you."
He smiles back, and I think he remembers me saying that before. It sort of gives me hope. I still have hope.
And who are you exactly...
jared?
He looks at me with a soft little smile that I can't stand...that I have to love.
I know him. Good and bad. Everything. The madness. The brilliance. The ego. Everything. I know who he is.
. . .i embrace it all.
"Jared. I have to say so-something. And I know...I know it's su-something you won't like."
I go quiet and a million scenarios run through my mind. Only one will fit the bill. And I sound like a therapist in my own head, but it's to remain objective, I think, but I hate it anyway. It reminds me of my father...
Wh...who are you?
"I..." He laughs a little. Like a kettle releasing a little steam before the---
Who are---
Big--- splissssssssssssssh scream hisssssssssssssss ---explosion
YOU?
"I think I---I think I... ki-ki---killed her...!"
Instead of explosions and fireworks, he curls into himself---sobbing, and I know he can't breathe, but I am frozen. I see my hand quivering.
But I am frozen, and I know my eyes are wider than ever, still and shocked.
. . .
I stare at him for the longest time.
Who was---who is this man?
What name would give him justice?
Impossible, that's what I say.
He doesn't speak for a long while.
I think he's staring at me to.
And then the crescendo---or the fall?. . .
"Wh--wh-wh....who are you?" I shriek--- my whole body empty with raw, indescribable terror, and my body is quiet but shivering.
"Jare-Jared," He starts to cry... chunks of sweaty, slippery sobs and goo---
Hands reaching, trembling for mine...
Those horrible hands....
Hands...
That touched mine....
Touched her... then his forehead, then red...
"NO!" I scream.
Just then---
WHAM! goes the door.
Both of us go silent---
"What's goin' on here?" Alice yells.
The Warden attempts to adjust himself, but only looks more worried and more nervous and more terrified. I am practically falling to the floor.
"O-oh... Alice..." He stumbles over to her.
I want to die.
"What?" She says at him, but I can tell she is worried.
He doesn't say anything. He just faints. She catches him. I just watch.
who am i ?
--
I try to wrap my mind around my reaction and try to rationalize it---and I know, however I rationalize it, I know I had betrayed him. I betrayed his trust in me.
I blew up on him, and of all people that was the worst thing to do.
Two hours later, it finally hit me--after my initial shock and anger and confusion died down, it finally hit me---
I know nothing. I was probably the first person he had told. I know nothing really about the situation.
And knowing it involves the Twins---I should have given him more credit.
A lot more.
Two hours later, I was ready to forgive him for anything he might have done. Anything.
"Please Alic-Alice.. please... let me just.. just...." Just what?
"He's out like a light, ya little freak, there's nothing you can do. Don't go near him." Then she leans in toward me; a little too close for my liking. "You should see, he looks like death in there. But you can't, can you, and even if you did, what could you do about it? Now get over it and get some sleep 'fore I knock you out." Her heavy whisper hits me hard.
I know I must have looked like a fool standing there, silent, heavy tears rolling down my face.
She softens her features a bit. "Look, I don't know what's going on, but if you wanna settle anything with him, you both need to rest. Now---now go!"
I find myself nodding slowly as I leave.
Before I go, I smile, "Thanks Alice." I say in a nasally, worn voice. She grunts.
She's a good person sometimes. I guess.
--
The next day, my head is clear and the blotchy marks on my face are clear, well, from the crying and shit.
I'm clear and with purpose.
I know who I am.
I know who the Warden is.
And whatever he did,
I know...
I know that I am irrevocably and impossibly---
In love with him.
Alice, to my surprise, has slept outside of his door all night. Strange.
I walk past her snoring figure, and decide to get some breakfast. Maybe think on how I will go about this---situation.
I go into the Staff Mess Hall and get some pears and a cheese omelet, some dry toast, with a nice caramel cappuccino.
It all go downs like thick glue.
--
After breakfast, I ran into Alice, who merely said, "He's still asleep. I have to go and take a whiz. Also, I will be too busy to watch over you two, so don't bother hi--" She almost stopped, maybe thinking she had said too much.
"No, it's okay. I need a break from all of this anyway." I said softly. She nods and runs off.
--
Things have gotten quiet in Superjail. Things are never quiet.
But the Warden is still in bed.
And all is quiet.
And this is my world. I cannot escape, but I do not want to escape.
And yet I am terrified.
What would I do without him?
Live in the real world?
Maybe call my sister for once? Maybe reconcile with Allie, or anyone else?
Maybe.
If I had a life, I wouldn't have the Warden.
Maybe anything could happen.
Maybe I could make him happy for awhile.
One thing about the Warden I have come to know is that he is very unpredictable.
And that's when, while I was walking down endless halls aimlessly, I wasn't very surprised when a poof of rainbows and colorless swirls announced the man of the hour, and I can't say I wasn't at all not expecting it.
"Why hello." He says daintily, leaning on his cane. He looks at me with a refreshed expression, but it's a little muddled, a little bland.
When I see his eyes now, I am relieved to see some light back in them.
"Hi." I say plainly, ignoring the tremble to my voice.
"Walk with me." He says in this soft voice.
I start to catch up with him, trying to find my own voice, when suddenly his hand makes a leap for mine, his skin sliding against me, against a wall, and I am so caught up in the sensation, I forget everything for a minute.
I get lost in passion, in lost passion, now found, leaning up against him harder, as his face peers into my own, searching. His breath leaking tendrils of sunshine into my pores.
I'm delirious.
But then I find my voice. "S-sir?" Its muted, my voice, and I can barely hear it.
"I told you not to call me that." He says, in a smile that's neither sad or happy, or anything.
"Warden, I..I just wanted...oh god, I'm so..."
"Shhh.."
"Warden, I just wanted to say, just wanted to say..."
"I'm not going to let it bother me. Okay? I'm not." And at first I think he's talking about me and last night, but it's not so.
He leans a little closer, and starts to touch my hand, but it slips away.
"Tho--those Twins...Twins...they controlled me, and I guess for the last couple weeks, I wasn't consciously aware of anything, only somethings, like I was in control of what I did, and how I felt, but in a lot of ways, I wasn't. They had me in a spin." He smiles, but it's like that little release of laughter before. And I don't know what to expect about this sudden, abrupt admission. "They made me think she wanted Superjail. She wanted to take over Superjail. She wanted to kill me, kill you, kill Alice. I was drunk...drunk with rage..." He lazily draws out rage with passion, his eyes overflowing with it. "I didn't know what I was doing till I did it. It never occurred to me that she was... she was....real."
And the revelation was like a blinding light. And it hit me and him in every direction, in every crack and crevice.
"Real? I thought she was the Twins! I thought she was just... just false!" I can't contain my anger. I almost push him away.
I just let him stay with me. I just hold him closer.
"Yeah. Well, once I found out, it was too late."
"So... they controlled her too?"
"I think...I think they used her body to get to me. I think they brainwashed her. It was all too late."
He sniffed as if crying, but I saw no tears. "An-and, then what?" I asked, following his narrative like I was in a loony bin listening to myself speak.
"Everything was dangerously close to falling apart. I thought I was going crazy, I ran from my room, went and scrubbed all the bl-blood. But then when I came back t-to my room, I didn't see any blood, or her body. The Twins must have taken her. Ri-right before she died... oh god, right before... she looked at me, so strangely, like, what are you doing...what have I done to you to deserve this, but she didn't say anything."
"An-and then... I ask them---like an idiot: Why?" And the keys on the piano of Superjail hit a crazy string of screeching notes. He fell against me a little, and I held him loosely, our eyes close and my heart quiet and barely beating. I felt dead.
I wonder: was it to take over Superjail? These masterminds, these criminals... the worst the Warden has ever seen, had a reason above reason.
"An-and you know what they said?" His pupils dilate, and watching those eyes up close, I feel my soul swell with euphoria; madness, his madness.
I'm afraid to say anything. Because now he's so quiet.
His breath is shallow now.
He speaks: "To get me closer to you."
At that moment, everything that has happened... the 'crush' he had, the mood swings, the way he just let me kiss him, everything, came together.
He whispers: Closer
My heart finds its beat. Blood roars in my ears.
Serene, calm, beautiful---
Soft, gliding skin---
We kiss.