Contemplation. I know the exact moment I began to want to kill her.
Peter was my only friend at the time, he was decent I suppose. But it was what happened to Peter that in effect changed the course of my existence as well, like dominoes all falling down in a row. He was the crux.
We were working together, doing the same damn job we'd been doing for years; getting rid of the newborns after they were no longer useful. It was more efficient in her mind to just make new ones and get rid of the old ones. Neither Peter nor I had ever said anything against that plan, but I'm almost certain we both thought it was useless if not purely time though, it was different.
Peter had met Charlotte. And he loved her. She was one of the newborns that had to go though; I'm sure you can see the dilemma here. And being in love with her while knowing that killing her was an order not an option, Peter had a choice to make. I sympathised, and ended up telling him to do what he thought was best. He chose to keep Charlotte, and to be honest, I was surprised. Really quite shocked.
I had been through years of the same bloody mess. In the midst of it there was no occurrences like this, no selfless acts. Just guts and glory. So I was really surprised. Looking back on it, if the same thing had happened now, I would've understood. He loved her, and so he would do what he could to keep her safe. It made sense now, but at that time, I hadn't gotten to the point in my existence where I knew much about love. That was to come many years later.
Loyalty is not always fickle, sometimes it endures. Whether through friends, family, or even lovers, loyalty built on solid ground will tie you over.
In the end the three of us made a run for it, but I remember quite clearly even now that I had wanted to kill Maria. To get some sort of revenge on her for she was the reason I was in the hell I was in then. Not to mention that she just amped up that hell every day of my existence. I didn't even have sleep as an escape, because our kind doesn't sleep.
We were traveling on our own, the three of us, Peter, Charlotte, and I, for a few years before I started to realize something. While hate had been the predominant emotion in the first stage of my life, now here I had entered upon a new stage.
Depression is more overwhelming at times than hate. While hate might eventually subside, once you get out your frustrations, depression seems to have no end. It just goes on and on, torturing you. You feel helpless when faced with it, and you just can't see yourself ever escaping from its depths.
I was depressed.
When I was in her army, I was so concerned with my own survival that I never noticed much when I made a kill. Now that I was just drifting from place to place, each individual victim made their presence felt strongly. Every time I fed I had to deal with the fear, the anxiety, and that little twinge of emotion that I can only describe is them feeling gipped for having their life cut short. I completely understand them feeling that way, it just wasn't very pleasant to encounter.
I left in time to travel on my own. My good friend could tell that I was troubled, and I knew he didn't like seeing me so down, especially since we were supposed to be "happy" now. So partly to spare him and partly for my own reasons, I went on my own for a few more years, barely a shell of a person. There was really nothing good in my life until that fateful day when I met her.
Love was not something I knew much about at that time, as previously stated. So when I felt that feeling coming off her in droves, I was confused at first. I could tell it was something good, because it made me feel good, content. So I went forth, and we "met" for the first time, even though I was to learn she'd been seeing me for years in her visions. Apparently I even had the distinction of being the first thing she'd seen when she woke up from her changing. Her first actual memory even; she couldn't remember her human years at all.
I couldn't believe that she wanted me, and it took me many a year to realize that she meant what she said. I had no qualms about wanting her, she was a goddess in my eyes, but for her to want me back, that seemed impossible.
She's probably the most quirky person I've ever happened across, but for all intensive purposes, that's why I love her. She's unique, and best off all, she's mine.
Another thing that took some getting used to was that she could handle herself. Coming from the background I came from, I was always concerned with our safety, especially when we were coming in close contact with others of our kind, nomadic and skittish though most of them were. And she was just so small, so fragile-looking, I felt as if a single blow could take her from me, and I just couldn't have that. I was possessive of her, I'll admit, and I needed her now. Now that I'd met her, I just couldn't stand the thought of her not being around.
It so happened one day that she saw we might run into some other vampires, and that was when I began to worry. Never mind the fact that whenever she went into one of her trances I unconsciously held my breath until it was over, fearing that it hurt her in some way, but now here another possible threat.
She knows me all too well, always has, and I think she knew how stubborn I was prepared to be. She didn't waste any time in making it clear that I was not to fight her battles. "Jasper, you know how to fight. You're going to teach me, right?" she said in a voice that left me no choice but to acquiesce.
I started out by just teaching her small things, nothing too advanced. Once she got the hang of it, she continued to go on, gently pressing me for more tactics, maneuvers, whatever I could teach her. She never let on that she knew the extent of my reluctance, but she took it step-by-step, being understanding like she was with anything concerning me. She seemed to have an endless reserve of patience.
And then she bested me. Pinned me. I hardly even saw it coming, but I just remember hitting the ground, and her smiling triumphantly at me. "How was that, teach?" she joked as she helped me up.
"Really good," I replied honestly. "Really good honey."
Needless to say I still worried about her, but much less than I had before. She could take care of herself, like I should have known all along.
The nomads didn't bother us at all as it turned out, so all of the anxiety had been for nothing. But I didn't take it as nothing; it could have easily been something. So with that thought in mind, I felt the need to strengthen our bond. I asked her to marry me.
She said yes. I remember that moment in perfect clarity. It was one of the happiest days in either of our lives. She couldn't stop smiling or shooting me glances, and she couldn't bring herself to let go of my hand, not that I minded obviously.
It was a rainy day when we were properly hitched, but neither of us cared. If anything it just brought back nostalgia of the day we'd met, and it also meant that we could get married in the day time because there was no sunlight to give us away. It was perfect. She was perfect, well that's not entirely true. She was always perfect to me.
Almost another year had passed by the time we met our future family.
Besides me, they had been the subject of most of her visions, and by the time we found them, she was close to despairing that we wouldn't. And then one fine day, a little bit overcast but I suppose that's all well and good, we ended up on their doorstep.
I was surprised at how they accepted us so quickly. All were so compassionate...well all right that's not the complete truth. Rosalie and Edward had their misgivings. You could say they were a bit cynical, though I think that's mostly my fault, and frustratingly enough, I couldn't blame them. Not with them seeing how I looked, all the scars... they had every right to feel the need for caution. I just hoped they would be more open-minded.
Alice and Edward though, that was a different story. They hit it off almost immediately, and became good friends/siblings in a small amount of time. Even when they argued over the chess games they both accused each other of cheating at---both were guilty---they were very cordial, very familial.
I got along very well with Emmett. We were both...competitive, and in time I came to regard him as a slightly-annoying-older-brother, in the nicest way possible of course.
We were happy, and still are today, even with the recent drama Edward and Bella have incited. I know it's corny, but we're just one big happy family. The life I have now is the polar opposite of what it used to be, and like most things where I'm concerned, it took some getting used to. But now I'm all right.
And I have a feeling I'll keep on feeling that way for a long, long time.
Author's Note: Reviews? What did you think, honestly. Bad/Good? Let me know.