Disclaimer: They still don't belong to me

And hold her he did, long after she had fallen asleep she was still wrapped in his arms. Harm stayed awake, wondering, thinking, worrying. Mac had seemed fine when he had spoken to her the day before and it wasn't like her not to share bad work day news and if something had happened to someone she knew, he knew, then she'd have told him. Trying to work through it all left him confused and exhausted.

When he finally awoke, daylight was coming through the curtains and Mac was gone. Harm propped himself up trying to ascertain where she was, his question was answered when she came back through the bedroom door, dressed and almost ready to go.
"Morning, husband," she smiled as she came and sat by him.
"Morning, wife," he grinned. It was the same greeting they'd used on the first day of their honeymoon.
"What time do you have to go in?" she asked, running her fingers through his hair.
"I don't," he replied. "I'm now on leave til January."
"Really?" Mac asked, more than surprised. "How did that happen?"

Mac was still based at JAG Headquarters but Harm had been reassigned to the Pentagon in legal affairs. The work was fairly similar but it meant they could stay in DC and not be deployed elsewhere.
"Well," he began slowly. "I asked for leave over the festive season and they granted it."
"That sounds too easy," she replied.
"Well, it's not recreation leave…" he admitted slowly.
"What is it then?" she asked, her eyes widening.
"Sick Leave," he answered.
"What?!" she exclaimed, jumping up. "Why do you need sick leave? What's wrong?" She hadn't meant to sound as panicked as she did but she couldn't help it.

"Hey, hey," he soothed, grabbing her hands and pulling her back to him. "I had a little accident but I'm okay."
"What sort of 'little accident'?" she asked, knowing with Harm it could describe anything from a hangnail to losing a limb.
"I wrenched my knee and …" he began.
"How?" she interrupted.
"I went jogging around the ship and slipped on a wet patch," he admitted sheepishly. "My right leg went one way, my left went the other and I ended up on my six."
"Ow," she replied, trying not to smile at the mental image it created.
"Ow, indeed," he said. "But that's not how I hurt my knee."
"Really?" she prompted.
"I…um… well, you see…" He was struggling. "Well," he began again. "I tried to get up and my six was … well, sore, and I found it hard to move. So, I wriggled around so I could use the railing and got myself up."
"And?"
"Well, I got up and took a quick look around and was glad no one was there to see. Then I shook myself to get the blood circulating, and I went to run it off and …" his voice trailed as he saw Mac smile. "Yep, slipped on the same damn patch and wrenched my knee."
"Oh, Harm," she sighed before giggling. "Wish I'd been there to see it."
"So, much for sympathy," he groaned.
"I'm sorry," she said, before leaning down and kissing his knee through the bedcovers. "How bad is it?"
"Not too bad," he said, happy to see her smiling, even if it was at his expense. "It's pretty stiff but they don't think there's any permanent damage. I have an appointment at Bethesda in a few days, just to be sure."

"I'm sorry I can't stay home with you," Mac said wistfully. "I have to be in court today."
"That's okay," he said. "I'm sure I'll survive."
"There's enough food in the fridge and cupboards to last the day and I'll pick up dinner on the way home," she said, standing and moving closer to him. "Call me if you need anything."
"Mac, I'll be fine," he reassured her.
"Call me anyway?" she asked, feeling his absence before she'd even left.
"I will," he replied, allowing her to kiss him.

It was nearly eight before Mac arrived home carrying two bags of groceries in one hand and Chinese for dinner in the other. As she was struggling with her key, Harm opened the door surprising her.
"What are you doing on your feet?" she asked. "You're supposed to be resting."
"Hello to you too, Mac," he grinned, grabbing the groceries. "I've been resting all day and I'm quite capable of opening the door."
"Sorry," she replied, quickly kissing him. "Hi, Harm."

She followed him into the kitchen and watched as he put away the groceries.
"Am I doing it wrong?" he asked smiling, he knew she'd been watching him.
"No, no," she apologised before turning her attention to the Chinese take out. He caught the emotion on her face before he heard it in her voice. Abandoning the cereal box and coffee on the bench he moved to her and took the box from her hand. He wrapped his arms around her and waited until she melted into his arms before kissing her head. He wasn't sure what was going on with her, and he wasn't going to push her, but he needed her to know he was there and that he loved her. Before long Mac's arms snaked around him and she pulled herself closer, if it was at all possible.
"Love you," she whispered before kissing his chest.
"Love you too," he replied, kissing her head once more.

All too soon she let go. "This will be cold if we don't eat soon," she announced, seizing the napkins from the table.
"Well, let's go eat," he replied, as he opened the fridge and grabbed two bottles of water.
They ate in near silence before Harm asked her about her day. Mac gave him the details of yet another arduous case. He asked a range of questions on the pretence of trying to catch up with the happenings at JAG in his recent absence and Mac answered them all. Yet nothing she said could account for last night's tears and he knew it.

When they'd finished eating Mac cleared away the remnants before returning to the living room with coffee for them both. Harm had been stretched out on the sofa and went to move for her.
"No," she protested. "Don't move." She placed the mugs on the coffee table and lay down beside him. Snuggling in closely, she allowed herself to relax in his arms; she'd missed him this time more than ever. She wasn't sure why it had been any different, only that there had been an ache in her she couldn't explain. One that disappeared as soon as she opened her eyes to find he was kneeling by her bedside.
"Is everything okay, Mac?" he asked gently, his lips brushing her forehead.
"Aha," she sighed, nestling in closer.
"Okay," he conceded, kissing her.

From the time she had miraculously reappeared in his life, two Christmases ago, Harm had vowed never to let her go and Mac had willingly agreed. However, the one stumbling block had always been their inability to communicate effectively when it came to them. So, very early on they came to their own arrangement to ensure it wouldn't be a problem, or a bigger problem than it had to be. Neither had to talk about anything they either didn't want to or couldn't. There would be no pressure but the other would be there regardless. They could replace talking it through with a physical connection; a touch, a caress, or just being held. And Harm knew this was what Mac was doing right now. It was her way of dealing with whatever was going on and so he held her as tightly as she was holding him.

Falling asleep wasn't his plan but it happened anyway and when Harm awoke near midnight his arms were empty. Groaning as he stood up, he made his way to their bedroom and stripped off his sweats before climbing in alongside her, being careful not to wake her. Immediately she turned to him and wrapped her arm around him, Harm smiled, knowing it was instinct, she hadn't woken. He drifted off once more, only to find his arms empty when he woke a short time later.

Again he got up and headed towards the living room. He stopped when he heard her crying. He watched and waited as she tried to compose herself, the box of tissues and the used pile beside her testament to the fact it was a battle she was losing. Harm moved closer and stretched out his hand.
"Whatever it is, Mac, don't do this alone," he said gently.
Mac reached out and took his hand before tugging him to sit near her. When he was comfortable she moved across and sat in his lap, her arms linked around his neck, her ear pressed against his chest, listening to every beat of his heart.

They were in the same positions when dawn came and Mac's alarm went off.

-0-0-0-0-

"So, she's obviously not pregnant," said Charlie. "That's so sad. I wish she'd just tell him."
"So does he," Barney acknowledged. "It's killing him not knowing but he won't force her."
"Some Christmas, hey?" he sighed.
"Well, it's still only the 14th, so there's time for things to improve," Barney clarified.
"Can't see it happening," sighed Charlie.
-0-0-0-0-

The details of the 14th followed that of the 13th, with Harm stuck at home and Mac at work. He called her a few times, emailed her a love note and tried to organise dinner, nearly impossible with the limited supplies in the kitchen. He was happy Mac seemed more like herself but every now and then he'd see a sadness flicker across her face and he had to stop himself from grabbing hold of her and never letting go.

It was midnight when he awoke to find her gone once more and he knew where he'd find her. Sure enough, she was on the sofa crying once more. Harm slid in behind her and wrapped the blanket around them both.
"You must think I'm a basket case," she said, leaning back into him.
"No, I think you are struggling with something and you just don't know how to deal with it," he replied softly, kissing her head. She nodded and grabbed another tissue. "And I think," he continued, "that maybe you'd cope better if you'd share it with someone. I'd like it to be me but I understand if it can't be. I just hate seeing you so distressed."
"I know," she mumbled, wiping her nose. She turned and held tight to him.

After a long silence, Mac spoke. "I'm sorry, Harm."
"About what?" he asked, kissing her head.
"I really wanted this Christmas to be perfect, you know…" she began.
"I know," he nodded.
"This is our first one together as husband and wife where we'll actually be together, and I wanted it to be perfect…I had all these plans and …" her voice trailed.
"What changed?" he asked quietly.
"I … I just don't care about it now," she admitted, grabbing another tissue.
"Well, we don't have to do anything for Christmas," Harm said, adjusting her in his arms.
"But we should … we can't just ignore it," she sighed. "I mean I know you don't really believe …"
"Mac," he whispered, kissing her nose. "I know I was anti-Christmas for a long time, I mean after everything with my dad I really couldn't muster any spirit. But two years ago I got my Christmas miracle and I believe in it all now, I truly do."

Mac pulled away and studied him. "You got your miracle?"
"Yes, I did. You came back," he whispered, his eyes filling with tears. "Mac, I thought you were dead … I never, ever, would have left Paraguay if I thought there was any chance, however remote, that you were still alive…I spent Christmas Eve by the Wall and I remember telling Harriet I went there because if you were alive you'd know where to find me. But it wasn't the truth…."
"What was the truth?" she asked softly, mesmerised by his words.
"The truth was I had given up all hope – all hope of Christmas, all hope of ever seeing you again. But I had this feeling that you'd be with dad… that he would be taking care of you … and as that's the place I felt closest to him, I knew I'd be as close to you as I could get … and that's why I stood there…hour after hour … in the snow. I couldn't leave… I couldn't go, couldn't leave you there … I just couldn't…" He stopped as she reached up to brush away his tears.

"As you can guess," he continued bravely, "Christmas Day was a non-event. I mean we all tried, for the sake of the kids, but no one's heart was in it. I watched our godson and he reminded me so much of me at that age… I saw how he'd lost faith in everything because he'd lost you, we'd lost you … and then I opened my eyes and you were there… in the flesh … alive and well… all thanks to Nicolas Santos and my Christmas miracle had come true… and in that instant I believed that anything was possible. Anything!" He kissed her head.

"All my hoping and believing and wishing hasn't gotten me my Christmas wish," she said sadly, pressing into him. Despite a thousand questions racing through his mind he just held her tighter and hoped she'd continue. She did in her own time. "Ever since I was a little kid I wanted a family Christmas. You know, mom and dad and child. Wanted the three stockings hung on the mantle and love in the house. When I was growing up I wanted to be the kid you see in all the movies who comes down the stairs so excited on Christmas morning because Santa had been … that never happened. Then as I got older I wanted to be the mom … have my own family on Christmas Day… watch my child with the presents and see them have that look of awe because Santa remembered to bring the blue doll's house with the white trims. But it's never going to happen so why bother believing."

"Honey," he said quietly, raising her head so she'd look at him. "What happened?" he asked, blinking back his tears.
"Oh, well," she started before taking a deep breath. "You see … I hadn't been feeling right and I just couldn't shake it … then I told Harriet on Thanksgiving and she said I was pregnant. She came over the next day and I did three pregnancy tests and two said negative but one said positive… She wanted me to do some more but I said no I'd go see Dr Johnson … and I did… on the 11th…"
"And you're not pregnant?" he asked, when she struggled to continue.
She shook her head. "Dr Bowden, he's in the same clinic, called me later that day to say it was a negative result."
"Why didn't Dr Johnson call?" Harm asked, kissing her head.
"She was stuck with a patient who was having triplets … triplets… I can't even have one and she's having triplets…" she sighed, shaking her head at how unfair it all was.
"I'm so sorry, Mac," he said, brushing his lips across hers. "You could have told me…"
"I didn't want to tell you beforehand because I didn't want to think it was possible … didn't want to believe I'd be so lucky … so blessed …" she began. "And the more I tried not to think about it the more I did… I found myself in the spare room a few times … planning a nursery … and it made it hurt all the more when the result was negative… I didn't want you to go through that."
"While I appreciate that, Mac," he said gently, "I can handle the pain … I'd rather know what's happening than be left to wonder …"
"Sorry," she whispered, tucking her head back into his chest.
"You don't have to apologise, just don't shut me out, okay?" he said, stroking her arm.
"Yeah, sorry," she apologised once more.
"I'm sorry too," he whispered, kissing her head.
"What do you have to be sorry for?" she asked looking back up into his tear filled blue eyes.
"I want to give you everything, Mac, and I can't give you the one thing you truly want," he admitted, his heart feeling more wrenched than his knee.
"Oh, Harm, it's not your fault, it's mine…" she replied, moving further up his body and wrapping her arms around his neck.
"It's no one's fault," he continued, tears trickling down his cheek. "It's just the way things are. I'd do anything to make you as happy and content as I feel just being with you … and I'm just sorry it's not enough for you … that I'm not enough."
"You are enough," she sobbed, gripping him tightly. "You're more than enough … more than I ever thought possible, more than I deserve…" She rapidly placed kisses across his face. "I never meant to make you feel otherwise, I'm so sorry."

For hours they sat entwined on the sofa in the darkness of the night. There were few words spoken because neither had the words to express their feelings. Long after the tears had dried, Harm kissed Mac's head.
"It's after three," he said. "I think we should head to bed. You've got work tomorrow and I have to be at Bethesda at ten."
"Yeah, okay," Mac agreed, stretching out before climbing off him. Once standing, she offered him her hand and smiled when he took it and allowed her to help him up. As they reached the bedroom door, Mac slid her arm around her husband. "You do still love me, don't you?" she asked, searching his eyes.
"More than ever, Mac, more than ever."

hmhmhmhmxoxoxoxohmhmhmhm

You'll be pleased to know the conclusion will be posted before midnight New Year's Eve (my time) and as I'm in Australia, and we get to NY first (well, except for New Zealand) you'll all have in plenty of time. It's my gift to you for all your wonderful support during the year!

love Nettie