I deleted the previous chapter I had written because I was unhappy with it. Now I hope that this new chapter will give you a little more insight and some of your questions will be answered. Please, I ask you to tell me what you think about this. It will be so helpful, reviews are very much appreciated!! Thanks, enjoy!
Venial Sins
By Totally3rdGrade
Then.
His black eyes looked right through me, the light that was his life was now gone. I stared at his face in shock, my body frozen with such staggering grief that I couldn't even move. My father supported my weight as I sunk to the floor, my agonizing sobs echoed throughout the disserted hallways of the quiet hospital. Everyone in the room disappeared and the only thing I could see through my tired, tear-filled eyes was his face. His russet skin was wrinkled from years of life, his shoulder length hair was snow white, no hint of grey in sight. His aged appearance was so completely different from mine. I had wished before that I could grow old along with him, many times before, in fact. But I couldn't. As much as I hoped and as hard as I wished, I couldn't.
I tried to prepare myself. I thought I had come to terms with this when he had started to age again. but I hadn't prepared for this. This unbearable feeling that my heart was being ripped into pieces muscle by muscle, vein by vein. The feeling as if I could no longer touch, think or breath ever again. The desire not to touch, breath, or think ever again was too much. I wanted to die with my Jacob, but I couldn't. As strong as I thought I was, I wasn't. To this day, the empty feeling of loss and hopelessness still lingers. To this day, I miss Jacob so much, I sometimes believe that I will go mad in my despair. The alcohol may muffle my sense of judgment and my racing thoughts, but there is always the day after when the hang over hits and the loss of Jacob hits me again like a continuous tsunami. I comfort myself in the fact that he is finally at peace, that he is so much happier wherever he is now than he ever was with me in life. I hoped that the burdens he had in this life are lifted off from his shoulders. That's all I can do except to get through the day and wait for the end of forever.
Now.
My cell phone vibrated loudly on the wooden coffee table. I sighed and closed my eyes. I felt the thin wine glass I was holding slip from my fingers, I tightened my grip on it quickly. The red liquid in the glass jostled, staining my couch. I covered up the red dot with a decorative pillow, not bothering to even look at it. I blew the little strands of hair that had fallen in my face away before they stuck to my lipstick. Clumsily, I placed the wine glass I was holding on top of a thick novel my father had given me last Christmas. Muting the television with the remote, I grabbed at my Verizon cell phone. The cell phone felt cold in my hand, I flipped it open, revealing a full little key board. I called my voicemail, my hands unsteady from all of the wine I had drank.
"You have 1 new voice message, first voice message," I grimaced. I hated voicemails. It would be easier for me if I could just be forgotten by the ones I loved, it was still painful to talk to my family and friends. Even after all these years it was painful. Since my Jacob died, I could tell they chose their words more carefully and deliberately spoke in soft voices around me. I couldn't take it. I held the cell phone to my shoulder with my chin and grabbed the half empty package of cigarettes next to the T.V. Guide on the coffee table. I lit the cigarette with a trembling hand and listened to my new message as I smoked.
"Renesemee, it's your mother…" Well, who else would it be? I shook my head and lifted my heavy body from the couch, stumbling to the kitchen. I held the cigarette in place with my teeth and exhaled a cloud of grey smoke more than I usually would have. I held on to the walls for support as I listened to Bella talk. I guess I was a little bit more tipsy than I thought I was.
"…your father and I are worried sick about you! You haven't answered your phone in two weeks!" My mother's voice muffled some and I heard her talking to my father. I heard his voice and was thankful that he was calmer than his wife.
"Bella, love, it's only been one week. Calm yourself down, you're going to damage my telephone."
"No, Edward, I will not calm down. She hasn't phoned us in days! Why,…why are you laughing at me!?!" Bella shrieked. I heard a loud slapping noise which shut him up for a minute. I bit my lips and walked around my kitchen island aimlessly. I listened to my mother ramble about how much she wished that I lived closer to her as I played with the refrigerator magnets. The picture of Nahuel and I fell to the tiled floor as I lifted it's magnet. I took in a shuttering breath and stared at our frozen faces. This picture was from our wedding day. We had gotten married in New Hampshire. It was fall, so the trees that surrounded us in the picture were beautiful bright colors of red and orange. My head started to spin. Thinking of Nahuel made my hands shake and my stomach anxious.
"How do you think this makes me feel, Renesemee? You're probably laughing while you listen to this, well let me tell you, IT'S NOT FUNNY! No, Edward don't you dare try to take this phone away from me!" My mother was shrieking profanities and guilt trips into the phone now, I rolled my eyes and held the phone away from my ear to put it on speaker phone. When I did this, I finally took the cigarette out of my mouth and held it in between the first two fingers of my left hand. I leaned against the island for support and closed my eyes.
"Bella, dear, I really do enjoy that phone!" My father's voice shook slightly.
"Not now, Edward!" Bella hissed, "Renesemee, if you don't call me back within the next 24 hours I'm coming to check on you…" I heard my mother's voice break and she started yelling again.
"Do you hear how worried I am, Renesemee? I'm CRYING!"
"Bella! That cell phone you are using isn't on the market anymore and it's really easy to use. If you break it, I'll have to buy those expensive texting phones that play music and provide two dollar games that I'll never even play! What the hell will I do with a damn phone like that?!"
"THEN I'LL GET YOU THE JITTERBUG PHONE, EDWARD, GET OFF MY BACK!" I was tearing up now. I looked at the happy people in the picture and I didn't recognize them. Back then, I thought Nahuel was my savior, my angel. He had taken me out of a dark place. It was fifteen years after Jacob's death that Nahuel showed me how to love another again. Though my love for Nahuel, and my love for Jacob were never the same.
"I'm not an old man, Bella, I just need a phone that's easier to use than the phones they are selling these days."
"You are an old man, Edward! What are you talking about?" My father huffed angrily.
"I like to think I have a young spirit." he snapped.
"You don't!" my mother replied.
Though I woke up to Nahuel's face in the morning, he never really seemed to be a permanent addition in my life. I never get lost in his eyes like I got lost in Jacob's. I never forgot to breathe when Nahuel kissed me, so unlike Jacob's kisses. Now I see that Nahuel realized that I would never love him as I loved Jacob, and he is slowly pulling away from me. I wish I knew how to tell him that I need now more than ever. I can feel the depression coming. Though I am fully aware that I shouldn't be feeling this way, there is nothing I can do to stop it. Now is just the calm before the storm. My mother and father bickered for a moment and I heard my father wrestle the phone away from my mother's grasp. I brought the cigarette to my mouth and took a long hard drag, opening my eyes to drop the excess ashes into an ashtray.
"Hello, Nessie Darling…" My father had the only voice that could ever put me at ease. Whenever I heard it, I was safe. The only time I felt safe after Jake had passed away was when my father sung me to sleep. I remembered not wanting to get up in the morning, not wanting to think, or breathe. I couldn't remember how to interact with people properly. I all of the sudden couldn't keep track of time like I used to. When I was in those times between waking and sleeping Edward laid in the bed next to me. Sometimes he wouldn't say anything at all, he'd just stroke my hair. When he sung for me, I was able to fall asleep.
"…your mother and I are a tad bit uneasy about you not calling us, I want you to know that I love you. I hope to hear from you soon…" I smiled and stumbled back into the living room, throwing my wedding picture in the bread box where I wouldn't be able to see it. I took one more drag from my short cigarette and snuffed it out, leaving it in the ashtray. I grabbed my cell phone, taking it off speaker phone and placing it to my ear as I walked back into the living room unsteadily.
"…No, Bella, of course she didn't hear us arguing. That is precisely why I like this phone so much. The mute button is such a wonderful addition." I chuckled under my breath, and yawned widely.
"I love you!" My mother's voice called.
"Oh, and your mother says that she loves you, too." my father said into the phone, as if I couldn't hear her. The message ended there. When I didn't hear my parent's voice anymore, I felt more alone than I had before. When Nahuel left me alone like this, I adapted so much to the empty house that when I had a reality check, I wanted to scream. I wanted to cut myself so deep that I could see my veins pumping the blood that kept me alive with my own eyes. I wanted to check that all of this wasn't some sick dream. It was during these reality checks that I would do anything to see my Jacob again.
I walked back to the couch again, grabbing the glass of wine that I had been drinking and draining it. I wanted to get drunk, not tipsy tonight. I wanted to forget anything and everything that was going on in my head. I needed to get out, I needed a break. I searched the room for stronger alcohol. When I finally found the vodka in the cabinet next to the bookshelf, the grandfather clock next to the front door struck two thirty a.m. Nahuel wouldn't be coming home tonight. The realization of Nahuel's abandonment hurt, but I knew when I finished the vodka that it wouldn't matter until later. I took pleasure in thinking that and unscrewed the bottle. I knew when I took this drink and gave into the monster again, there would be no going back this time. I took the first sip and than I was off. I don't exactly remember when I dozed off to sleep, The only things I remembered after I took that first drink is going back to my stained couch and lighting up another cigarette. I also remembered being grateful when sleep finally came for me.