I'm back Baby! After major writer block, fall out with two very close friends (not my fault btw, just thought I'd mention that ), finishing high school and starting higher learning, I have finally willed myself into action. I really want to finish this but I have like 3 friends to finish and maybe another Chandler- that's like 4 chapters!!!
Fair warning, I'm rusty and tired and Monica is the character I'm least good at expressing- because it's hard to try and show her developing into her later character when the change was so sudden. I tried a little Chandler/Monica because it made sense since she did have a crush on him (which I totally think lasted longer than what they let on but was done with before the series started.) K tried some Monicaisms, which are hard cause she's hard to write (p.s I didn't diverge into her controlisms much cause it's about Chandlers issues not where she got hers.)
A little Monica/Chandler bashing very slight, and totally not intentional but a foreshadow to Monica future vice grip over Chandler.
p.s. my editor was one of said friends so bare with me for a while. Thanks.
Anywho:
KyliedaRock thank you, I hope this is the direction you were hoping for. Mondlerlove okay, Mondler is admitadly growing on me… But! Not married mondler or non secret Mondler which limits me to hell… oh! You think he idolizes him to?! That great, I thought it was just me being crazy. Oh and btw I was thinking of you when I decided to put some sort of memories of past crush maybe present crush in here. Exintaris okay first off, please don't get mad this is defiantly not my best work but I'm just trying to get back in the game so I know there are problems I will have to go back and fix with this. But to the point I'm glad you liked my interpretation of Joey, though I didn't touch on it my of the chapter I always felt Joey would be the clingy possible crush one rather than Chandler- but hey I'm also the one who doesn't think Chandler acts all that gay…Thank you for the 'cause pick up, I didn't know I was doing it. Oh and thanks for signing up! Also I'm feeling also aprihensive on this Chapter so while taking into account what I said before I do hope for a good review so I can make alterations.
thanks
Monica is sick of silence.
No! She is afraid of what she can't control.
It rings through her relationships, her family… her friends. Even when they're loud and joking, they are so silent. So uncontrollable.
Chandler, her closest male friend, had always tried to drown out his own silence with words. With joking and laughter, with lies. She liked to think she was sharper than her brother gave her credit- she was much better at sifting through personalities than he was.
Monica knows she is not stupid. She always cares a lot more than most people give her tribute to. She'd like to think out of all his friends, that she saw him for him. That she 'got him' like no one else did. That she understood.
But she's not sure.
She can accept her flaws, but this fault, this not being able to see him as a whole. It was killing her… she wanted to take control over this friendship, over him. To take him, hold him… fix him.
And part of her knows he wants to be controlled, to let go, he wants control but at the same time he'd gladly give her the responsibility if she asked.
Which she won't.
She couldn't.
Could she?
She does cared more than most people will admit her too. She wanted him to be happy, whatever made him happy she didn't mind. He could be unemployed and rid of his horrible job, married to Janice or even gay with Joey- not something she would like. But she would be happy… if he were happy.
Really happy.
If he could be himself.
Monica can accept flaws, but she wont change them. She has a tendency to judge people on first appearances; people have to work hard to win her back. People have to live up to her standards, there has never been a time when she was submissive. People had to do something pretty spectacular, like leave their future husband or live homeless for me to take them back.
Chandler said he was sorry. I realize he probably didn't even know what he was apologising for, he probably couldn't even remember. But he looked at me. He gave me a look I was sure he had never given anyone, a look of utter sincerity. He was the first person she didn't put up with; she didn't let him get away with it. He was the first person to apologise for the horrible things he said about me.
It was nice.
And it set the wheels for a new Chandler, my Chandler.
Everyone who has ever gotten close to Chandler Bing must have noticed his shift in personality person to person. It took her a while but I saw it, he was a whole different person with her, and that felt special.
She changed for him, but at the same time he changed for her. Just by knowing her, she had changed into a more wonderful, beautiful, skinnier person.
She liked the new Chandler, the Chandler that acted different around her, but she didn't love him. She didn't feel that rush, ever around him, that she had when she first met him. Except when he was around Ross.
As painful as it was for a while she had a crush on Ross's Chandler- the person Chandler was when he was around him. She even resented Ross for it, for longer than she really care to admit. Ross always had a way of bringing out a truer side of him, truer than anything she'd managed. That's what had made Ross his best friend for so long.
She always knew Chandler was different. And she found herself liking every side she saw, Joey's Chandler is so happy, close to real happy, so natural- and she understood why Joey had replace Ross as quickly as he did. So Ross wasn't Chandler's best friend and he was a different Chandler again for he wasn't the Chandler that was best friends with Ross. And Monica lost for a while, a reason to care about him in any romantic way.
She really liked Chandler with Phoebe; they bounced off each other so well. She thinks the Phoebe understands, she doesn't get him, but she understands. He has fun with her, sort of childlike but serious and understanding at the same time.
They spend a lot of time together and Monica wonders if maybe one day they'll get married. She think that would be right that he would marry a friend, he'd feel safe that way… but Phoebe once told her that she didn't think she could ever think about he in a sexual nature. Oh well, she was just going to have to get over that.
Oh and Rachel's Chandler was different again, not as developed, sort of meshed and sarcastic, but still so endearing, Rachel had once asked If Chandler was gay, and Monica said she didn't know, she didn't feel Rachel would be a very good match for him. After she started having dreams about him she asked again. Monica told her 'probably' and Rachel never asked again.
And just when she feels like she has him figured out, he will let a new Chandler escape, it is so hard to tell who's who in him anymore, she feels like she's going insane.
He's spent a week in his apartment with Joey, missing work, and shaking horribly. The man we met in the coffee house is the cause that must be it! Because it happened after he left.
He gave me a business card, Monica didn't look at it, and she couldn't. He told her to give it to him, she wanted so badly to shred it, to burn it, eat it anything!
To give him back some control… so that she could have some back in her life.
When he was a mess, well so was she.
She didn't shred it though, or burn it or eat it. It wasn't something she could do, she smoothed it out and gave it to Joey the next day hoping he was strong enough to do it. After all he is his best friend.
Monica justs wants this silence to end. She wants him to be around trying to fill up space and make jokes that aren't funny and to tell her she's beautiful when I guy breaks her heart and for him to just be there!
She can't control it, who he is. The way she feel about him. she can't control him.
She can't control the silent him. Is that the ugly him? The part of him that maybe, possibly the part she couldn't accept? The part she couldn't… love?
That frightens her. There is something wrong he can be so silent and he scares her. He is not anyone she's met and it terrifies her that maybe that's the real Chandler.
She's afraid what the silence does to him, and one way or another she will take back the control.