Chapter 2

Remus had managed to pretend everything was normal between him and Sirius for a week. And since Sirius never brought up the fact that he kissed Remus, he assumed it was forgotten. All for the better, Remus thought. But it was getting harder and harder to stop thinking about Sirius. To stop watching him when he wasn't looking, to stop reliving the feel of those rough lips on his own.

The first Quidditch match of the season was in November. Remus went to the top of the stand with Peter, and watched as James and Sirius played well, though Gryffindor lost horribly. The match lasted four hours, and when it was over, the Gryffindor players, looking worn-out, left the pitch with James, the Quidditch Captain, yelling so loudly that Remus could hear him all the way from the stands.

"Oh, there's Annette," Peter said, and left Remus' side to meet the pretty blonde haired Hufflepuff.

Remus walked down the stands with the large group of upset Gryffindors, each one moaning loudly about what they thought was wrong with the match.

"Did you see the Slytherin Beater? He hit that Bludger directly at Black," a second year girl said, sadly. Remus had seen that, but Sirius had avoided it narrowly, and then flipped the bird at the Beater.

Remus finally made it to the dressing rooms. He stood outside, smiling occasionally at people walking by. Usually he would just go up to Gryffindor Tower and wait for the gang to show up, but it looked like James and Sirius were in serious need for some moral support.

"Good match," Remus said as Sirius walked out of the room.

"Did you even watch it?" Sirius asked, annoyed.

"I did. I thought you played very well. I saw how the Slytherin Beater hit that Bludger toward James. It would have hit him had you not misguided it."

Sirius looked at Remus. "Yeah. If James had only seen that. He's laying into our Seeker for not catching the snitch. Four bloody hours," Sirius mumbled.

"Want to go for a walk around the lake then?" Remus asked. He tried to sound casual about it, but he failed miserably.

"Where's Peter?" Sirius looked around them and for the first time noticed Peter wasn't with them.

"He's with Annette." Remus smiled.

"Fanbloodytastic," Sirius said again. "I don't understand how he gets a pretty girl like that and I don't have anyone."

Remus replied, "You don't always need to have a girlfriend just to one up your mates, Sirius."

They walked toward the lake where several students had decided to lounge.

"Good match, Black," a fifth year Slytherin teased.

Sirius held up his first two fingers and told them to eat dung. "Really, Remus, what are we doing here?"

"We need to talk about last weekend," Remus said seriously, surprising even himself at that admission.

"What happened last weekend?" Sirius asked.

He really didn't remember? Remus felt his feet go numb at the thought. "You kissed me," he said trying to sound casual.

"Oh, that." Sirius sounded nervous.

Remus cast a fleeting glance out of the corner of his eye. So he did remember. "You can't just kiss me like that, Sirius. I'm not something for you to experiment with," Remus went on in a calm tone.

"Remus, it wasn't…" But Sirius didn't get to finish.

"You are one of my best friends. And it's not worth jeopardizing a friendship over something so trivial."

Sirius stopped walking. He didn't care that there were students in earshot. "Remus, I didn't kiss you because I wanted to experiment. I did it because it felt right. Didn't you think so?"

Remus glared at him. "Why would I think so, Sirius? Did you think that being kissed by an obviously drunken person, who just so happens to be my friend, would make it feel right? Or that just because I fancy men that I would automatically want you?" Remus was defensive, his voice rose.

"Why can't you believe someone might just want you? Why don't you ever think that you are good enough, that there has to be some ulterior motive if someone shows interest in you?" Sirius looked at him, and then started walking again, this time with a force.

Remus paused to take in the sentiment. He wasn't sure how to react to it. He caught up to Sirius and said, "It doesn't matter if it felt good to me. It doesn't matter how it made me feel. You and I are friends. And that's more important then a small kiss."

"I have to get back to the dormitory," Sirius said quickly. "I need a shower." And he turned and left.

~~~*~~~

Two days later Remus still had made no attempt to talk to Sirius. And he had no intention of doing so. It had become a battle of wills, and Remus was not about to give in. Conversations around dinner consisted of, "James, will you please reach past Sirius and pass me the salt" and that sort. Clearly suspicious of the formality, James and Peter had asked Remus several times why he and Sirius weren't talking. Remus assumed in turn that they had asked Sirius the same. And what could he say? "Sirius kissed me after a drunken night and I felt used and I'm waiting for him to apologize?" No, Remus couldn't say that. But he had to say something. Perhaps after that night it would be okay. That night after all was the full moon. And Padfoot, Wormtail and Prongs had not abandoned him yet.

Remus went to the hospital wing after dinner and met with Madam Pomfrey. Together they followed the same ritual they'd done every month for the past 5 years. Quietly they went out the front doors, sometimes seen by other students, but most of the time they were unobserved. This night the Entrance Hall was abandoned so there was no need for hasty made up excuses by Madam Pomfrey.

They walked across the grounds to the Whomping Willow tree. They entered the tunnel, neither saying a word. Once they reached the Shrieking Shack Madam Pomfrey stopped at the door. She always had a terrified look on her face when she saw the place.

"Will you be all right now?" She asked in a nurturing tone, but Remus could also sense some relief when he nodded his head and answered in the affirmative.

"I will see you in the morning then," she said. And in a moment she was gone.

Normally Remus only had to wait an hour or so before his mates arrived. This night however it seemed he waited an eternity. He could feel himself starting to transform. His skin was becoming itchy. His mind was starting to fog.

"Where the bloody hell are they?" he asked himself out loud. If he was honest with himself he could admit he dreaded transforming without them. Not only did they help him maintain control, but they also provided a support only his friends could offer.

He could remember only too well the nights the four of them had spend pouring over books, trying to find a way to make the transformations better for Remus. He remembered that even before they'd mastered the Animagus transformations they spent as much time helping Remus recover as they could. McGonagall was great about letting them miss classes to sit in the hospital wing.

"If Sirius comes tonight I'll talk to him tomorrow," he said under his breath. He didn't care about any stupid teenage crap that happened a couple weeks ago. He needed his friends. But where were they?

A few minutes later the wolf took over Remus's body.

~~~**~~~

As Remus started to stir he could feel the sun hit his back. And it hurt. He opened his eyes and found himself laying face down on the bed in the Shrieking Shack. He reached his hand back and touched his skin. It was moist with blood. It was when he twisted that Remus saw the black dog sleeping in the corner.

He leaned up and also saw a large stag in the middle of the room, the rat lying quietly on the stag's back. So they had shown up. A shiver shuffled through Remus's spine. Then he was reminded just how much it hurt. He must have been angry at not having his friends around. He must have done some damage to himself. Ugh, he wished he could remember. But he learned years ago the wolf's mind didn't reveal its secrets to Remus.

He checked the clock on the wall. Madam Pomfrey would come to get him when she woke at 7:00. And it was 6:30 now. Remus had better start waking his mates. He stood up and was horrified to notice his legs were scratched and bitten. He took a few wobbly steps to the stag in the middle of the room.

"James," Remus said in a hoarse voice. He wondered how much howling he'd done last night since his throat hurt so much. "James, wake up," he said again. James began to stir and the rat lying on his back tumbled to the ground.

Only a moment later Peter stood up and cursed Remus. "What'd you do that for? I was sleeping," Peter said, rubbing his backside.

"I didn't know you were going to fall," Remus said apologetically. "What happened to you guys last night? I had to transform without you." He tried not to sound pathetic, but he was unsuccessful.

"Sirius," Peter said. "He got all…" but he wasn't able to finish. James had just erupted out of the stag and brushed himself off.

"You couldn't get a blanket or something next time? That floor is bloody hard." James looked across the room at the black dog still snoring in the corner. "You haven't woken Sirius yet?" James asked.

Remus shook his head. He was finally aware that Peter was looking at him sympathetically. "We can fix some of those now if you want," he said, pointing to the scratches on his body.

Remus shook his head. "It would look to suspicious to Pomfrey," he said truthfully. Part of Remus hated that his friends risked expulsion every time they came to see him. But the larger part of him loved that they would do that. That he meant so much to them.

"Padfoot," James stood over the black dog and picked up its floppy ear. "Padfoot, wake up, boy. There's a bunny down here for you to fetch."

Peter snickered. And a second later Sirius emerged. "Very funny, Prongs," he said standing next to James surveying him. His gaze then moved to Remus and he gasped. "Moony," Sirius said, taking only a few steps and appearing at his side. He looked at Remus like every scratch on Remus hurt him just as much. "I can do a healing charm," he mumbled to himself. He lifted his wand, which was conveniently stowed in his black robes, and started an incantation.

"No, Sirius," Remus said taking Sirius's hand and moving it downward. His hand didn't leave Sirius'.

Sirius swallowed visibly. "If you're hurt…" he began.

"You need to go. Pomfrey will be here shortly and then I'll be fine." He looked intently in Sirius's eyes. He did tell himself he would work things out with Sirius.

Sirius nodded then took the role as leader. "Okay then. James, you get the Invisibility Cloak and start down the tunnel and Peter will be right behind you. I'll follow Peter. We'll wait 'til we see Pomfrey and then head in." It was foolish to try and argue with Sirius. They all knew it.

James was the first one out, his cloak flung over his head. Peter was out a moment behind him. Sirius was alone with Remus.

"Are you sure you'll be all right?" Sirius asked.

Remus didn't speak but nodded. Sirius didn't move.

"We'll talk later. I promise," Remus rasped. And Sirius turned and left.

~~~*~~~

The hospital wing smelled like burnt cabbage when Remus awoke. He had bandages wrapped around his legs. Remus hated what the wolf did to him, to its self. For Remus had learned long ago that the wolf was part of him and he was part of the wolf. He looked away from his bandages and noticed Sirius sitting in the chair next to the bed. How long had he been there? He started to ask him when Sirius interrupted.

"I'm sorry," he said softly, handing Remus a goblet with water in it.

Remus nodded, though he wasn't sure what Sirius was apologizing for. Once his throat felt better he asked, "What kept you lot last night?"

"I was foolish, Moony. I'm sorry," he said again. Remus's eyes questioned him, and Sirius continued. "I was ready to go at our usual time. We would have been there before the wolf came out. But it was my fault. James was reading his stupid magazine Quidditch for the Average Wizard; Peter had just gotten to second base with Annette and wanted to tell us every disgusting detail. It was starting to hack me off. I mean, after last weekend I owed it to you to be there…" Sirius looked down at his hands.

"Sirius," he said, softly. Forgivingly.

"Well, they caught on that I was in a short mood," he continued. "So I grabbed my robe and told them I was leaving. Told them I wasn't waiting around for them and that they could go to see you alone." He looked ashamed. "I told them I was going to the Astronomy Tower to find a girl and fuck my brains out." Then he looked at Remus. "But I didn't."

Remus wasn't sure how to take that, or what it meant. He was really in too much pain at the moment to have to try and figure Sirius out. "Where did you go?" he asked, unsure he really wanted to know.

"I went to that secret passage on the fourth floor. You know, the one that leads down to the kitchens?" Remus nodded in response. "Well, I sat I there and a House Elf showed up. She said they could tell I was there. I don't know, those House Elves have weird magic." He shook his head and went on. "Anyway, she asked what I was doing there and I told her…" Again Sirius stopped. He was not one to talk about stuff like this. His conversations usually stemmed to simple, easy, mundane things. "I told her I had a crush on someone, and I really fucked it up with that person. I told her that it was one of my best mates, and now I don't have that best mate anymore." His gaze travelled even farther down, now he was examining his feet.

Remus reached out and took his hand. Sirius raised his eyes to meet Remus's. "She told me that if that person was really my mate, they would understand and take me as I am, friend or otherwise. So I went to find you and James and Peter in the Shrieking Shack. I transformed before I got there. But it didn't matter; you were out in the forest. So I waited for you. I don't know for how long, but it was a while. James entered first, in his stag form. He looked me in the eye and nodded, civil, but not friendly. Then I moved my eyes to you. You don't scare me when you're the wolf; I think the other two are scared, even if they don't admit it. Your eyes bore into mine. You missed me, or at least the wolf missed me. You crossed the room and lay down next to me. Then you fell asleep. I didn't notice then that you were all cut and scratched." He didn't blink and said again, "I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing. I'm not mad at you, Sirius. Whatever happened between us that night in the dormitory…" But Remus stopped. Maybe it was because he was aware that Sirius had put his hand on his leg. Or maybe it was because he didn't want to finish the sentence.

"I know you think that was a mistake. I shouldn't have done that, Remus. But it wasn't because I was drunk. You are my best friend. That's the most important thing. And if we can get past the kiss then I think we can go back to normal." Sirius said it with a tone he thought was convincing. But Remus looked at him sceptically.

"Nobody wants to be friends with a werewolf, Sirius. Nobody wants to have to deal with the problems it causes." Sirius looked like he was about to protest when Remus continued, "At least that was what I thought before I met you and James and Peter. I thought I would never have friends. I thought I'd never be able to be normal. To fall in love. To have anything normal people have. And you showed me I was wrong. I can't risk losing that because there may be something more than that between us." Remus wasn't sure where his last few words came from. Was there something more between them? Of course there was. If James or Peter had kissed him like that Remus wouldn't have reciprocated the same way he did when Sirius kissed him. No matter how much he tried to deny it, he wanted Sirius to kiss him that night. He wanted Sirius to kiss him again.

Sirius looked defeated. He tried to keep his face solid. Tried to give nothing away, but it didn't work. He smiled and nodded. "You're very wise." And he started to get up to leave. But before he could stand, Remus pulled him down again and this time Remus pushed his lips to Sirius'.

It was brief and formal, but it said something only Sirius could read. He looked into Remus's eyes. "But... I thought you said it was more important to be friends."

"Sod our friendship." Remus laughed then leaned in and kissed Sirius again.