Chapter Three
Oh, God! His brain was clouded when Sirius moved kisses up and down his neck like that. He looked pleadingly at Sirius when his lips parted from Remus' flesh.
"We have to get to Transfiguration," Sirius said, out of breath. They had resorted to finding a few minutes here and there to nip into broom cupboards for a snog, but it never moved farther. They never had time to move it farther. Sirius didn't seem ready yet. And Sirius still seemed terrified at the notion that anyone would find him and Remus in the act of snogging.
"I'll leave first, you come out in five minutes. I'll see you in Transfiguration." Sirius headed to the door and took a deep breath, then turned the knob and was gone.
Remus sat alone in the room for several minutes, his mind racing. He should have ended this before it even started. He should have told Sirius their friendship was too important. He should have told Sirius he didn't want to kiss him again. He should have said all these things two weeks ago. But the thought of Sirius's rough lips and his gleaming eyes were too much for Remus. The thought of Sirius's hands on his face and roaming down his back made him light-headed. He turned and left the small cupboard, five minutes late to Transfiguration. He wouldn't be with Sirius that night; he had to clean up the Transfiguration room for detention. Nothing good could come from being with Sirius. And his first detention in four years proved it.
There wasn't a lot of conversation between Remus and Sirius, casual or otherwise. It seemed they had run out of things to talk about. But when they were alone all Remus could think about was how he didn't want anything but Sirius. But they needed to talk. So Remus arranged a meeting place. Somewhere nobody could find them.
The only light in the secret passage on the fourth floor was the fire Remus had lit in the middle of the floor. The passageway led them into Hogsmeade, but tonight Remus and Sirius were using the large entrance room to the passageway for a different purpose. The room was about nine feet by ten feet, and in the centre of the room, on a magically enhanced pallet, Sirius and Remus were becoming very familiar with each other.
Sirius's lips left Remus's for the first time in minutes and he was only vaguely aware of the red bruise that presented itself on them. Remus tilted his head back and Sirius moved his lips to take it in. He moaned loudly and felt Sirius's hand move down his back.
Remus pulled back and looked at Sirius. "We have to stop." His voice was raspy and he was almost panting.
Sirius ignored him and moved his hand to graze across Remus's buttock. Remus felt his eyes roll in his head, then stopped and again said, "Sirius, we have to stop. If we don't stop now I won't be able to."
Sirius removed his hand and looked Remus directly in the eye. "I don't want to stop, Remus."
Remus looked into Sirius's eyes. "You're sure?" he asked. But before Sirius could answer Remus's mouth was on his again. He pushed Sirius down onto his back and moved his hand to the clasp on his robes.
Lying in just his black boxers Sirius looked nervously at Remus. Sure they'd seen each other naked. They'd been roommates for six years. But this was different. His chest hitched as Remus looked at him, his face unreadable.
"You're beautiful." Remus had emotion in his voice. Before Sirius could see if the emotion showed in his face, Remus lowered his mouth to Sirius's bare chest, his rough hands moving over his hips. His tongue was making tracks down his body. Lower and lower until he reached the band of the boxers. One last time Remus looked up at Sirius and said, "You're sure?"
This time Sirius was able to answer. "Yes," he gasped. And before he could take another breath his shorts were gone and Remus was moving his tongue over the flesh that awaited him.
~~~**~~~
Remus woke when a breeze hit him. It took him a moment to realize why he was sleeping so close to the edge of the pallet. Then he smiled. Now he remembered. They hadn't gone quite as far as Remus would have liked, but he still felt satisfied. Sirius was nervous, and seemed hesitant to give to Remus the way he'd given to Sirius, but it didn't matter to Remus at the time.
He pushed his hand over to the other side of the soft padding and felt for Sirius. The spot was empty. Remus rolled over and saw the blankets had been pushed down and he was indeed alone. Oh God, Remus thought, it's never good to wake up alone.
He sat up and stared across the room. Sirius was staring into the fire in the centre of the room. He didn't move. Remus wasn't even sure he was really breathing. He wasn't startled, however, when he heard his name.
"Sirius," Remus whispered. He moved timidly toward Sirius. His heart sank to his heels. "I don't…we can just pretend it never happened and…"
"No," Sirius said, turning to look at Remus. "I don't want that. I don't want to pretend it didn't happen. I'm confused, Remus." He was aware that he normally wouldn't say this to a lover, but this was Remus, his best friend, and ultimately he could say anything to him. "What does it mean? Does it mean I fancy men?"
"Sirius, I don't think…" But he stopped. He wasn't sure at all what to say. He was scared he'd just lost one of the most important people in his life. Sirius's eyes reflected off the fire as he stared more deeply into Remus.
"It was incredible. It was better then anything I've ever done. With anyone. And so does that mean that I'm, you know…" He couldn't say it.
Remus understood now. He sighed. "Perhaps it's the person, and not the gender you fancy. Perhaps it has to do with a soul, and not a body part. Does that make sense?"
Sirius nodded briefly. "How did you figure it out? I mean, when did you know?"
"That I was homosexual? I never questioned it," Remus said to Sirius.
"You never questioned your sexuality? You always knew you fancied blokes?"
"It's not something I just woke up one day and said, 'right then, I think I'm going to fancy men.' It's something I've always felt." Remus had never told anyone this.
Sirius didn't say anything. "We don't have to keep doing this, Sirius. If you're uncomfortable, I mean." What did he mean, Remus wondered? He wanted Sirius. He wanted him for the rest of his life, a feeling he'd never felt for anyone before. Granted, he was only sixteen.
"Did I ever tell you about being Sorted when I was eleven?" Sirius asked.
It was an odd question, and very random, but Remus answered, "No."
"I walked up to the small bench where the rugged old hat sat, I sat down and McGonagall placed it on my head. It fell over my eyes. I was scared to death. Bella and Narcissa had talked about the sorting, but I didn't really know what it entailed. I knew that if I weren't sorted into Slytherin I'd be the biggest disappointment in the family. Mother had made that clear." Sirius seemed hurt still to this day at that idea. But he continued. " 'A Black I see,' the hat said into my ear. I thought as hard as I could, 'Please put me in Slytherin. Everyone in my family has been in Slytherin.' I might have even been saying it out loud I don't really know.
" 'I don't think Slytherin is where you belong,' " the hat whispered to me. I was terrified.
" 'No, it is,' I thought. 'Please, Slytherin.' I could only imagine how Mother would yell if I wasn't placed in Slytherin. The hat was silent for a moment that seemed like eternity and then said, 'You could be much better in another house.' Then the hat yelled the one word. 'Gryffindor'." Sirius looked at Remus, really looked at him.
"My heart sank. It fell to my feet. I looked out at my cousin Cissy sitting at the Slytherin table and she was glaring at me. Staring at me so fiercely I thought she was going to kill me with her mind. I stepped off the bench, probably looking like I'd been given a death sentence, and walked to the Gryffindor table. They all looked at me like I didn't belong there. The Blacks had a reputation, and none of us had been put in Gryffindor. When Andromeda was put in Ravenclaw five years earlier the family was in an uproar. But Gryffindor? It was the house I'd grown up only hearing bad things about. How everyone in Gryffindor was a Mugglelover and a half blood. I was a Black. A family who went to great lengths to make sure our bloodline was kept pure.
"I sat at the back of the table, where nobody would see me. God, I wanted to be invisible. I couldn't think of how I was going to live the next seven years in this house. I was alone at the back of the table. Then do you know what happened?" Remus shook his head.
"This small kid, with tawny brown hair sat across from me." Sirius smiled. "You wouldn't even look at me. But I noticed you looked just as scared to be where you were as I did, and at that moment I felt I'd found a kindred spirit. You didn't talk to me, didn't do anything. Just sat. James came and sat down next to me a few minutes later, after he'd been sorted. I remember thinking, bleeding Potters, they all get put into Gryffindor. But he wasn't rude to me, he wasn't mean. He just sat. And the three of us sat, quietly, staring. You and me looking more fearful then I think I'd ever seen you, James looking confident. But it was you, Remus. You, who I shared that moment with. I want to share moments with you." Sirius leaned in closer to Remus. "Moments that scare me. Moments that make me wonder what the fates are thinking. But moments none the less."
Remus smiled. What Sirius had just told him was out of character and very personal, and Sirius never talked about stuff like that.
"I'm glad I got to share that moment with you." Sirius stared back in to fire.
Remus didn't know if he meant the moment at their sorting six years ago, or the moment they'd just shared in the cold entranceway. But either way, Remus was also glad. Glad for both of those moments. Remus's gaze moved from Sirius to the fire, where he now stared as well. And neither one said a word the rest of the night.
~~~*~~~
Prefects meeting. Bloody Prefects meeting. Remus was taking his time getting to the Saturday afternoon meeting. He would rather be anywhere else. In all honesty he would rather be with Sirius. They had been very formal when they weren't alone. It was a week ago they'd met in the secret passage. And except for a brief hello here and there, there was nothing else said.
Remus opened the door to the room off the Great Hall where the other prefects were sitting. It was the same old thing. The Head Girl, a Ravenclaw, seemed bored to death as well, so the meeting ended after only twenty minutes. And the group shuffled out of the room.
Remus noticed Lily Evans give him a sideways glare and walk away. Lily Evans was often rude to James and Sirius, often gave them glares that would kill an army. But she was friendly to Remus. She had to be, he figured, since they shared duties in the same house. It seemed her contempt didn't extend to him and Peter.
He didn't understand it. James and Sirius were the most eligible guys in Gryffindor. Everyone wanted them. But the only one James really wanted was this snooty auburn haired prefect. "Lily?"
"What is it?" she asked hurriedly.
"Did you really have to bring that up at the meeting? The issue with James and Sirius skiving off History of Magic on Thursday?"
Lily looked at him, her gaze icy. "They can't keep getting away with things like that, Lupin."
"Why not, what's it hurting that they're missing out on class?"
She ignored him and started walking away.
"Why don't you like my mates?" Remus asked, walking at a brisk pace to keep up with her.
She looked at him disgustedly then replied, "They're bullies, Remus. And you must be too since you don't stop them."
Remus sighed, "They're just having fun. They've never hurt you."
"It doesn't matter. I'm a Prefect; I need to keep things in order. You're a Prefect too. In case you've forgotten."
He hadn't forgotten. He put a hand on her shoulder and stopped her walking. "Just give them a chance, okay? They're good guys."
Lily snorted but replied, "I'll have to trust that you think they're good guys. I haven't seen it. But you seem decent, Lupin. So I'll take your word on that. Please try to keep them more in line though, okay?"
Remus smiled. "Deal."
She smiled back at him, then clutched her books to her chest and walked ahead.
Remus stood in the hallway for a moment longer watching Lily walk away. He guessed he could see what James saw in her; she was sort of pretty, for a girl. Two girls walked past Remus, a fifth year blonde running into him, giving him a dirty look, then continued talking to her friend.
"You know who I would want a go with?" The blonde haired girl who ran into Remus said. Remus rolled his eyes. Girl talk.
"Who?" giggled the girl next to her.
"Sirius Black. He's so dreamy. Have you seen how he plays Quidditch? The way his muscles flex?" She giggled again.
Remus chuckled, and walked back to Gryffindor Tower to see his dreamy Quidditch player.
~~~*~~~
Remus looked at his watch. It was 10:15. The Common Room was starting to thin out. He just finished his homework and was getting ready to go up to their dorm. He hadn't seen Sirius all day and was starting to wonder how long detention with Slughorn would take.
James was pouring over Quidditch Monthly, a magazine that his family owl delivered to him on the eighteenth of every month. It took him about three hours to read it cover to cover, then they had to hear about it for the rest of the month.
Peter was finishing up his Potions homework. He'd been given an extra half scroll because he'd turned his "Pretty Up" potion green, when it was supposed to be a nice light pink colour.
Remus bode James and Peter goodnight and went up to their room. The room wasn't empty. Sirius had lit candles all around. It was ridiculously romantic, and he wondered what Sirius would say if Peter or James came into the room and saw it.
"I thought you were in detention," Remus said.
"I was. Got finished early, you weren't here." Sirius had a sly look on his face.
"What's this?" Remus asked, a smile playing on his lips.
"Candles," Sirius said, dumbly.
"I see that. Why are there candles? And what would you have done if I were Peter or James?"
Sirius chuckled. "Well, James is only a quarter of the way through his first reading of Quidditch Monthly, so he's going to be reading for another hour at least. And Peter would believe anything I told him. Plus he's got a good lot more to do on his scroll."
Remus smiled and took a step toward Sirius. "So you thought this through then?"
Sirius smiled. He stepped closer to Remus and was at his side in a second. His hand reached for Remus's chin and he bent down slightly to kiss him.
Remus reeled, the memories of the nights Sirius would climb into his bed flooding him. The first time Sirius was finally able to go down on Remus. The night their bodies intertwined as they jerked each other off. The memories alone would make Remus hard, but Sirius moving his hand inside Remus's robes was helping him along too.
"Sirius," Remus said, in a quiet tone. He leaned in and captured Sirius lips with his. He was vaguely aware that James and Peter could come in at any moment, but right now he didn't care who saw them. He moved his hand across Sirius's robes and pulled them off, not letting their lips part. They casually made it across the room to Remus's bed.
He moved his lips down Sirius's body. Sirius was trying to pull the robes off Remus, but the moans that escaped his mouth seemed to make the thought involved in the process impossible.
Finally Sirius gave up and let Remus move his mouth downward until it reached the spot that made Sirius cry out. "Remus," Sirius gasped, pulling his lover up to look at him. Remus looked at him questionably. "Remus," he said again, his voice hoarse. "I want you," he hesitated, as if thinking about what he really wanted. "I want to feel you inside me."
Remus didn't move. He wasn't sure he'd heard right. "Are you sure?" he said softly, still unmoving.
"Yes," Sirius replied. His hand found Remus's hair and ran his fingers through it. Then reached for his wand and put a silencing spell around the bed and hoped to God James and Peter would be several hours longer.
Remus pulled his robes off, his eyes never leaving Sirius. His friend, his mate and now his lover. Sirius was looking at him with hesitation.
"We don't have to," Remus said, though by now, naked and preparing himself with a lubrication charm from his wand, he sure hoped that wasn't what Sirius was going to say.
"I want to." And Remus started to move his body to join it with Sirius's body when Sirius interrupted again, "is it going to hurt?" he asked.
Remus took a deep breath. "It may, a little, but if we do it right it shouldn't be too bad." He looked into Sirius's eyes, waiting for a sign that he was ready.
It was Sirius who pulled Remus down on top of him. It was Sirius who pulled his knees to his chest. It was Sirius that moved so perfectly with Remus inside him that it seemed it was meant that way. And it was Sirius who came first, his eyes never leaving Remus's, watching him intently. And when Remus placed his forehead on Sirius's forehead, coming himself, he noticed a tear on Sirius's cheek.
"You alright?" Remus whispered, moving a kiss to his ear.
"Perfect," Sirius said back, meeting Remus's lips with his.
~~~*~~~
It was sex, he tried to tell himself. Nothing more, nothing less. He and Sirius were the same as they used to be, they laughed together, and they played practical jokes on everyone. They were the same. Until night, when Sirius would climb into Remus's bed, place a silencing spell around it and show him otherwise. And sex with Sirius was something Remus wasn't prepared for. It was different than with Alexi. It was fulfilling and special. And Remus was surprised that he was willing to be that sort of friend to Sirius. A best friend, who got what was needed from a lover. In all honesty, nothing had changed, except the feral looks Sirius would give Remus.
The beginning of December brought a cold that Hogwarts hadn't seen in years. And while Hogwarts prepared for Christmas, Remus, Sirius, Peter and James prepared for the Full Moon.
"We've finished the Marauders' Map; we've seen everything in the Forbidden Forest. What can we do now?" Peter looked at the group, who stared blankly at the table in the centre of their dorm, also at a loss.
"We can just be there. You know, moral support and all that," Sirius said, sneaking a glance at Remus.
Remus tried to look indifferent, he tried to make his voice sound cool, but he knew he never was very good at that. That was Sirius's gift. "You don't need to be there," he said, ignoring the feeling of contradiction in his chest. Please be there, that feeling said.
But if anyone could read Remus past his outer skin, it was Sirius. The man with many talents. "Come on, Remus, we've never let you down before," Sirius said, giving him a meaningful look.
The other two, however, looked like they would rather be doing other things. The three others had become Animagus only a year ago. But since then they've said to found the full moon nights tedious. They never told Remus that to his face, but the werewolf could hear conversations people think he can't.
Sirius took James and Peter's lack of enthusiasm as a personal insult. "Oi, you're going to leave Remus to transform alone for the first time since he started school?"
Remus looked at Sirius questionably. "You lot have only been transforming with me since last year."
Sirius thought for a moment then said, "You're right. But still. We stood by you in the Hospital wing before we had the Animagus Transformations figured out."
Peter and James were distracted by their work, and seemed no longer to be paying attention. Sirius looked defeated.
"It's alright, Sirius. I can do it alone."
"You won't be alone," Sirius said, raising his voice harshly so the other two could take a hint and feel guilty. It didn't seem to work. Then he looked at Remus and said, in a sincere tone, "I'll always be there for you."
~~~*~~~
Remus entered the Shrieking Shack with Madame Pomfrey and shuddered. He wondered if he'd ever be able to walk in this place and not feel a chill run down his spine. He knew what this place represented. What it meant. He was a beast, and once a month they shut him away so he wouldn't hurt anyone else.
It was more humane then most places. The Ministry had cages they put the werewolves in, only after they established the person wouldn't become a menace to society. The ones that were found menacing were put out of their misery, as Papa said.
But it wasn't misery. Remus was happy, and grateful to be alive. And he almost couldn't remember what life was like before he was bitten anyway. It was something he'd learned to live with. Something that gave him character, as James put it. And though one night a month he turned into a wolf, and for three of four days afterward he suffered the pains from it, he wasn't miserable. He wouldn't want to be taken to the Ministry to meet his death by a silver bullet.
"You'll be alright then, dear?" Madam Pomfrey asked. She used to leave him with potions that would relieve pain. Things she gave for basic cases of headache or stomach cramps, but they never worked. So she stopped bringing things she thought would help, by Remus's request. He wasn't sick, so potions and charms wouldn't help. There was nothing he could do to escape the long suffering of the night.
Remus nodded his head. "Yes, Ma'am. I'll be fine." He turned and sighed. The Shack was not large, and he would eventually end up upstairs where a good-sized four-poster bed sat. But for the transformation he liked to be in the large room downstairs. There were less things to break, and for skin and bones to be broken on.
Madame Pomfrey left in her usual manor, looking sorry she couldn't help, but wanting to leave as soon as possible. Once the entrance to the secret passageway was closed, Remus found an old wool covered chair in the corner. It must have been added there recently, for the wolf hadn't destroyed it yet.
He looked at a shadow in the corner. At least that's what he thought it was. There was something odd moving in the air. Then out of nowhere, Sirius materialized.
"Good God, Sirius, you scared the daylights out of me," Remus said, startled as he watched a snickering Sirius ball up James's Invisibility Cloak and toss it onto a wooden table.
Sirius moved closer to Remus, "So, it's just you and me here tonight, we have a good forty-five minutes before full moon rises." He smiled a mischievous smile. "Whatever shall we do?"
Remus couldn't help but be amused. "Well, we could play Exploding Snap?" he offered lightly.
Sirius looked thoughtful for a moment. "We could, but I didn't bring the marbles."
Remus played along. "Well, that could be a problem. What about Inquisition? We don't need any sort of…" but his play was interrupted by Sirius's firm lips on his. "Or we could play this. This is fun," he breathed when Sirius released his mouth.
He then moved his lips to Sirius's neck. "You taste like cinnamon." Remus kissed a particularly spicy patch of warm skin.
"That's one I haven't heard before," Sirius said chuckling. He reached down to touch Remus.
A good deal later, Sirius was spent and had a smug smile on his face. "Was that as good for you as it was for me?" He looked at his lover. And he noticed his pupils were dilating. He smiled, until he realized that Remus's body was becoming hairy. Remus was about to change. Sirius transformed.
It was painful to watch. Remus pulled at his skin and hair when his body made the horrible transformation from man to wolf. And when the change was complete, the amber eyes of a wolf were staring into the grey eyes of a big black dog. A fellow species.
The wolf recognized the dog. A pack member. Yes, he knew. But the scent on him was different. A strong, poignant, godly scent. The scent of sex. Eyeing him the whole time, the wolf circled the dog. And finally stopped and mounted him. The wolf had found a mate.
~~~*~~~
The light creeping into the old dingy shack woke Remus. And he felt great. He had never felt this alive after a transformation. He wondered why. Wondered what was different.
Remus saw Sirius lying next to him in dog form. Remus leaned in and kissed his long mane of fur. "Wake up, Sirius," he said softly in the dog's ear.
Sirius's eyes flittered and opened.
"Morning," he said. "You should go soon. Day is here."
It wasn't until he was in human form that Remus noticed the love bite on his neck. Remus couldn't help but smile. Next time he'd be more careful. But it was hard for him to control himself when Sirius was doing what he did to Remus last night.
Sirius looked at him oddly at first, then smiled, put a hand on the back of Remus's neck, and brought his mouth in for another kiss.