Rogue opened her eyes to the penetrating light of the med lab. She moved slightly to assess her status, she found tubes in her arms and her chest, an oxygen tube under her nose, both arms bandaged and that it was agony to breathe. "I'm still alive." She whispered.
"Not for lack of trying I can tell you that." A voice said from her left, she turned her head to see the doctor.
"What happened?"
"The Professor sent Mr. Summers to get you. You coded and we had to resuscitate you multiple times. That's why your chest hurts."
"Oh." Rogue turned her head to stare at the ceiling.
"You're thinking that was a lot of fuss for just you right?" Rogue nodded. "You think very little of yourself don't you?" Another nod. "If you had seen their faces…" He trailed off for a moment. "I'm going to show you what went on, I don't want you to be scared, it can't hurt you."
Rogue turned her face towards him and let him touch her eyes with his gloved fingertips. She felt a mental lurch then she was watching herself be carried into the lab by Scott. She watched and listened as the Professor told them she'd tried to kill herself. Then she watched as they worked to save her life. She felt shame fill her. Then Logan walked in.
Logan was a killing machine, but he was also a creature of emotion. He was unable to keep his feelings out of his eyes and it was that that haunted Rogue, the pain in his face at Jean's death had been too much for her to see. She wondered how Scott managed to stand it. When Logan walked in he looked angry. His face slipped from anger to helplessness to pain to sadness then back to anger again.
She saw Scott behind him, his gaze never wavered from Logan. Rogue saw Logan's hand reach out towards her but he stopped a second after his hand started moving, having sensed Scott tense slightly behind him. The Professor walked in and they all three left the room.
Another break as the doctor hadn't seen or heard what went on outside the room. Then Logan returned. Logan went to Rogue's side and stroked her hair. Then he put on a pair of latex gloves and traced every one of her cuts. "How did we miss this? How did I?" His voice was soft and he took her hand in his.
He bowed his head for a long time before replacing her hand next to her on the bed. He got up to search for something, soon returning with a couple of blankets, which he draped over her. He leaned down to whisper in her ear. "Come back to us Rogue. You were wrong, you're not in the way, we need you here. I need you here. I'm sorry we haven't talked. I thought you needed your space, you and Bobby and your friends. I thought I reminded you of all the bad things that happened. I'm sorry Rogue, we were both wrong. Come back, come back and we'll make it right." Then he left.
Tears were in her eyes as the doctor lifted his hand and they spilled down her face as she opened them. "Do not be ashamed. Shame will only take you backwards. Remember the love." She nodded her thanks. "You need to rest, you were talking before, I'll give you a sedative and you can sleep."
Rogue nodded and as she was drifting off she remembered the conversation with the voice. She couldn't focus though and soon was lost to oblivion. She woke much later and found the pain in her chest hadn't eased but two of her IV's, including the one in her chest, as well as the oxygen tube were gone. She heard the steady blip of her heartbeat on the monitor.
Slowly she began to cry. She turned onto her side and wept. All the pain she'd been oppressing and channeling through her knife now bled through her tears. The pain in her chest swelled to near unbearable but the beat was steady so she knew her pain was a symptom of her weakness not her injury. Exhausted she fell into slumber once again.
She was woken by a gentle voice within her mind. She opened her eyes and greeted the Professor then asked, "What time is it?"
"It's just after dinner on Friday."
"Does everyone know?"
"No, just the teachers." Rogue nodded. "We need to talk. Are you feeling up to it?"
"I'm ok."
"When did it start?" His voice was kind.
"A couple weeks after the funeral."
"Why didn't you speak to anyone about it?" Rogue looked away and was silent for a while before speaking.
"I didn't want to burden anyone."
"Burdens are eased when shared, especially with friends who feel the same loss."
"But none of them were at fault."
"It wasn't your fault either Rogue."
"I know that now." Charles saw something flicker in her eyes.
"What is it?"
"I don't know exactly, I remember...something, a presence. We talked."
"If it's ok with you I'd like to take a look." Rogue nodded and the Professor put his hands to the sides of her head. She felt his presence enter her mind and probe the memory of the voice that spoke to her. "I'm being blocked, not by you but by whom or whatever has been inside you." He took his hands from her, "Perhaps we will explore that later."
"I'm sorry."
"It's not you that's blocking me Rogue."
"No. I mean for everything. I'm sorry I didn't deal with things very well, I'm sorry I didn't ask for help, I'm sorry I caused such a fuss." Her smile was sad but he was relieved to not see any despair in it.
"We would do all of it again and more for you, for anyone here. I wish you had felt you had been able to speak to someone about your feelings Rogue. And I wish we had been more attentive to your pain." She looked at him and the pain he saw in her eyes wasn't her own.
"You had Scott to worry about. He's had the hardest time I think." He sighed.
"It's not been easy for anyone, we all have our own pain to deal with Rogue. Some dealt with it better than others." She hung her head. "I don't mean you though that's certainly true as well, I meant Ororo."
"What do you mean?" Puzzlement clear in her voice.
"That presence in your mind, it was in mine too, it showed me that you needed help, it also showed me why. I spoke to Storm about what she said the day of Jean's funeral, you have to know that what she said she didn't mean, not really. I think you should talk to her about it, she wants to apologize."
"Apologize? To me?" He smiled at her.
"Yes, to you. I think we all owe you an apology." He stopped and looked faraway for a moment. "Logan's coming."
"Is he mad?"
"Oh yes, but not at you. You'll have to be gentle with him for a bit Rogue. He's had a lot to deal with. Jean's death was hard on him in a unique way, he loved her but she didn't return his feelings, it's been hard for him to grieve. He's not used to having people to care for and with her death and almost losing you he's dealing with emotions he hasn't had to before."
Her smile was sardonic and he returned it as the Wolverine entered the room. "Hi Logan." Rogue said softly. He stopped in his tracks, suddenly afraid to approach her. The Professor started to wheel out of the room.
"We'll talk later Rogue." She nodded at him before she tried to meet Logan's eyes, she dropped her gaze as her face reddened and she shifted in the bed, she grunted as her chest shifted.
"Are you ok?" Logan said stepping towards her. "All right, dumb question." He finished as she shot him an incredulous look.
"I'm doing better." It was a wild generalization but she knew it to be true.
"Why?" His voice was more strained than she'd ever heard it.
"There's no one reason Logan." He nodded and she spent fifteen minutes trying to explain what had brought her to this point. About halfway through he got up and started pacing.
"Why didn't you come to me? Or to the Professor?" She hadn't mentioned hearing him the day of the funeral but she did now.
"You're such an idiot Marie." Her heart lurched at the use of her real name but still her shame held her still. "I never blamed you, there's no place to lay real blame, it's just something that happened that we all have to live with. You didn't hear the whole conversation then?" She shook her head and he filled her in. Somehow the knowledge that she was wrong about he and Storm blaming her didn't make much of a difference. He stood with his back to her, living in some memory.
"You should have come to me." He said finally.
"How could ah Logan? Ah thought you agreed, you avoided me, you avoided everyone. Ah know you loved her, ah couldn't make it any harder for you." Emotion brought her accent out stronger. "Ah thought it would be better if ah was gone."
"But why suicide? You're no stranger to the road Rogue."
"I didn't want anyone to use me like Magneto did, and without you around I wouldn't have had any protection." She was thinking of what the Professor had said about being careful with Logan when she made the statement. With her mutation she didn't have to fear anyone.
They were silent for a long time, each in their own thoughts. Logan broke the silence by slowly extending his claws. "You asked me if it hurt when they came out. How could you cut yourself like that Marie?"
She took a deep breath which she instantly regretted as she was made dizzy from the sudden pain. "It started by accident." She told him about stepping on the glass, "It gave me something to focus on, something physical that I could control." He sighed.
"I guess I know what you mean, it's the same for me when I fight."
"Really?" The hope in her voice nearly brought him to tears.
"We're not as alone as we sometimes think we are. The Professor showed me that. You showed me that."
"Logan." Her voice cracked and she started to cry, then he was there, holding her and shushing her. She cried for a few minutes before he suddenly pushed her back.
"Marie." He looked towards his hands. On her bare arms.
"What's going on?" Her voice held surprise, hope and fear.
"I don't know." She raised her face to look at him and they both smiled.
"I can touch!" Suddenly the pain in her arms and chest were minor matters. She looked in wonder as she was able to run her fingers along Logan's arms without feeling that horrible pull. He let her run her fingers and hands over his arms and then to touch his face. He watched her face as she touched him, it was transformed, the isolation she had worn like a shroud was gone and she was intensely beautiful.
"Congratulations kid." She smiled up at him then threw her arms around him.
"Ow!" She dropped her arms and clutched them to her chest. He helped her back onto the bed.
"Maybe you should rest now?"
"Yeah." Her voice was filled with pain but her smile hadn't wavered. "Will you tell the Professor?"
"Sure, whatever you want. We'll talk later though ok?"
"I'd like that." He kissed her forehead then left. The doctor gave Rogue some pain medication and she fell asleep almost immediately. She woke just after midnight and was starving. The doctor was asleep so she thought to sneak up to the kitchen but when she disconnected her heart monitor the doctor was halfway to her bed before he realized she was ok.
"What are you doing?"
"I was going to go to the kitchen."
"I can get you something, you shouldn't be walking around yet." Rogue sighed but followed his direction and in fifteen minutes she was eating microwave lasagna. "I'll take the IV out in the morning if you're moving your fluids. Then you can wander around."
Rogue took an unsteady walk to the bathroom and was glad she hadn't tried to get to the kitchen on her own. She felt stronger in the morning and the doctor took out her IV and let her go for a walk on her own to the locker rooms. She felt incredibly weak and slept another few hours afterwards.
She was just considering asking the doctor to get her some lunch when Logan walked in with a plate. "Thought you might be hungry."
"I'm starving, thank you." He handed her the plate and poured her a glass of water from the table next to her. She ate self-consciously as he sat there, not watching her but not not watching either.
"I told the Professor about your mutation. He said he'd be down later to see about it."
"What did he tell everyone?"
"That you caught a flu and that you were in quarantine." She nodded. "Will you tell anyone?"
"I don't know."
"How are you feeling?"
"Tired, sore, grateful. I might even be happy."
"Because of your mutation?"
"Partly." She told him about the presence in her mind while she was out and what she'd decided. "I was being selfish."
"You were hurting." He defended her.
"That's true but I forgot about why I stayed here in the first place. You talked me into it but after I gave it a chance I was actually happy here. I forgot that people here cared about me. I won't forget again."
"Glad to hear it."
"Thanks for bringing me lunch."
"You trying to get rid of me?"
"No, I just thought you'd have better things to do on a Saturday afternoon."
"Nope." He replied and pulled out a remote and turned the wall monitor onto a hockey game.
"This game is from the nineties Logan."
"So?"
"Never mind." She shook her head and lay back as he moved his chair next to her bed. Her ribs weren't broken but all the connective tissue had been damaged and it hurt like hell to move, never mind breathe. She dozed off during the game and when she woke Logan was holding her hand. She just stared at her bare skin on his and thanked whomever might be listening for the miracle that had come from her near-tragedy.
A/N: I don't think this story is over yet…do you?