"It's you."
"Yes."
"Why are you here?"
"I'm not sure." There was a pause and Rogue felt the touch of an enormous mind on hers, it wasn't as gentle as the Professor's but it was brief and she was glad of it.
"You're dying."
"Dying? Why?" Panic tinged her thoughts.
"Wasn't that what you wanted?"
"I…I'm not sure anymore. What's wrong with me?"
"Your body cannot heal itself."
"Oh." There was silence and Rogue wondered if the voice she was familiar-yet-not-familiar with had gone.
"Do you wish to live?"
"I have a choice?"
"There is always a choice."
"But you said my body couldn't heal."
"There is a way. Do you wish to live?" Rogue wanted to answer yes right away but she found herself hesitating. The presence made it clear, even without speaking, that she had to mean her answer. A week ago all she could see was death, it was going to be a release from her pain, and the pain she caused others. She would have said no.
A couple of months ago she would have been able to answer yes immediately, and mean it. But that was before Alkali Lake. Her guilt wasn't a blanket to be shrugged off and forgotten, it clung to her the way her protective clothing did. Reminding her she was different, untouchable, a freak among freaks.
Before Jean's death she was in a good place. She wasn't happy, but she was finding her place in the school, with other mutants and even on the X-men. She had found friends. But she had pushed them all away, or allowed them to drift off without resistance. Hell, only Logan knew what had happened, what she'd tried to do. He didn't judge her, but what would her other friends think?
Would Bobby understand or would he look at her the way he'd looked at John when he destroyed the police cars? Rogue wasn't sure she wanted to be Bobby's girlfriend anymore but she did know she didn't want him looking at her with horror and pity. That she couldn't stand. She hated being hated but being pitied was the worst. No, check that, guilt was the worst.
Guilt was the omnipresent reminder that you made the wrong decision. And in her case, that decision caused someone to have to sacrifice themselves. Despite knowing she was no longer blamed, Rogue sill keenly felt that stab of realization that she contributed to someone's death. She wondered if the others struggled with the same guilt she had?
If she chose death she might never know. Curiosity used to be one of her defining features. It drove her to put off college for a year to take her cross-country road-trip. That trip was prematurely embarked upon more than a year early thanks to the surfacing of her mutation. Now she'd seen enough to make her sick to her stomach with the death, rage and pain she'd encountered. Not always directed at her but she'd seen more than she'd cared to at the time.
Choosing life would be so much harder than letting death take her. If she just slipped away her problems would be over. It was a technicality but she wouldn't be committing suicide. She knew that was a cop-out though. She had to choose, that much was clear. Life or death. She didn't know how she could live but if it was a real choice she had to make it.
If she truly could live, could she manage it? Did she even deserve it? With her mutation gone she could almost be normal. But where would she go? Would the Professor let her stay if she was a non-mutant? If her mutation never re-surfaced she would be normal. But she couldn't go home, not after what happened before she left.
What if her mutation came back? The horror of that thought after her very short reprieve made her go cold and she shivered. But if it came back gradually it was possible she would gain control over it. That thought was enough to chill her again. Control. She would be a mutant, she would have a home at the mansion and with the team. But if she could control her power, then she could touch people.
She wouldn't be the pariah she had been for months. She wouldn't have to walk around covered from head to foot, she could feel the sun on her skin in the summer, she could go barefoot. And sleep in regular pyjamas again. People wouldn't have to look her over before coming nearer, she wouldn't have to worry about being in a crowd and accidentally touching someone. She could shake someone's hand without explaining why she was wearing gloves, she could hug someone, she could kiss.
But life wouldn't be easy. Her mutation might come back without her gaining control and she would have to go back to the way it was. She would have to re-gain the teachers' trust, and Logan's. She would have to deal with Bobby, and Bobby maybe with Kitty. She would have to learn to deal with her emotions all over again.
There was a time she was a normal girl. But now she wasn't normal and she was approaching being a woman, and not handled it particularly well. The Professor was going to help her with her guilt, anger and self-esteem issues. That alone embarrassed her and made her want to hide where she was, embrace death so she wouldn't have to admit to her weaknesses.
Rogue had never thought of herself as strong before, after all she was just a normal teenager in a normal house. But then her mutation surfaced and she had to deal with the fallout from Cody's coma. Then when it became clear she was no longer welcome at home or in her hometown she left. She ran away. Her time on the road had made her wary and street-wise but not brave, she felt it in her stomach the whole time.
Why she wasn't terrified of Logan when she saw his claws come out she never knew. If she hadn't been half-starved she might have been but all she saw was someone else who was different, someone who might understand, someone who might help. Ok, maybe not help but at least tolerate her presence till she got somewhere safe.
Then she ended up at the mansion and had found hope. But that hope had been crushed by all that had happened. To end up where she had was a bit of a miracle, and that included living after Magneto's machine, how could she refuse her second second chance?
"I'm not sure I deserve to live."
"Everyone deserves to live. It is a divine right. Life is gift."
"But I've done so many bad things."
"Was that your intent?"
"No."
"If there is no intent there is no crime." Rogue thought on that. Eventually she spoke.
"I choose life."
"Are you sure? It will not be easy."
"I know."
"Are you ready?"
"Yes."
"It is done."
"What is?"
"I have restored your mutation and informed the Professor. He will use Logan's healing ability to save you."
"What?" Her mental voice was stricken.
"It is the only way. Do you change your mind?"
"No." There was resignation in her reply but also a new strength that she was going to have to learn to draw from. "Will I have control?"
"Is that your wish?"
"Very much so."
"Very well, it is done."
"You can do that?" The awe was evident. Rogue wished she could remember who this presence who's power seemed to all-encompassing was.
"I can."
"Thank you."
"You are welcome." With that formal sentence the presence was gone and Rogue was alone. She fell into a deep sleep, wondering if she would remember the conversation that already seemed more like a dream than reality.
Elsewhere Logan had been waiting for news. He was watching hockey, drinking a beer and thinking. Most people thought of him as a man of action, not given to preponderance, they were wrong. No one who spent as much time alone as Logan did could survive if they couldn't be kept company by their own thoughts. And right now he was wondering how things had gotten so fucked up.
A few months ago things were status quo. He would go from bar to bar, fighting for money and booze, moving from place to place, trying to sniff out his past. Then he gave Marie that ride and ended up in New York. Not that he objected to New York, or even to the school, but he was used to not being tied to anyplace or anyone.
He'd stayed initially out of curiosity with Jean and his sudden protective instincts towards the kid. But now. Now Jean was gone, dead. He mourned her the way he mourned the life he couldn't remember, as something that could have been. He had no idea if she'd ever have left Scott for him, he guessed it didn't really matter anymore. But she was brilliant and had died much too early.
He'd been distancing himself from everyone since her death. He didn't consciously notice this until Scott had told him Rogue had tried to kill herself. He'd been pulling back from her, the way she'd been, and he'd been pulling away from everyone else at the mansion, like she had been. They'd both been getting lost and no one had noticed. He wasn't surprised she had tried to kill herself, after all, many others would have found her mutation reason enough.
He was saddened by it nonetheless. He couldn't judge her since he'd been in that position in the past more than once. However he'd hoped that she could get through it, with help from the Professor and maybe some from him as well. Her mutation having been gone was a mixed blessing. Not having it had brought genuine joy even hours after she'd tried to die. But it could prove more pain if it returned, especially if it returned without her gaining control.
He thought he understood the Professor's reasoning for not having him use his mutation to save her the first time even if he didn't agree. But now that the option was no longer there he wondered if shouldn't have been more insistent. This whole situation pissed him off and he was halfway out of his chair, on the way to start a personal war with Magneto, before good sense took over and he sat back down.
Fuck.
A/N: Sorry for the short chapter but I'll post again soon I promise, thank you all so much for your reviews….keep 'em coming please!