Author's Note: Firstly I am sorry for taking so long to update, I know how frustrating it is to be waiting for the next chapter.
Second, THANK YOU to all of you who have R & R'd for me and will continue to do so.
Third, I don't own any of the characters, so please don't sue me (all I have is my lovely little computer after all…).
Adaptations
"Professor?" Rogue called out as she entered the Danger Room.
"I'm up here." His voice came from the control room. "Are you ready?"
"Yes." She set herself and the room morphed into one of the rec rooms at the mansion. Bobby was sitting on the couch. His image didn't say anything, just looked at her with a faintly questioning smile on his face.
She approached easily but when she sat on the sofa next to him his hand reached out to hers and she hesitated. He looked so real. Even though they hadn't been together for months, she still cared for him and didn't want him to get hurt. She reminded herself he wasn't real and took his hand.
She felt the rush start and she yanked her hand back. Her heart was hammering in her chest and she could feel her stomach churning. Since he was a figment of the room his memories didn't flow into her, but she felt something. She took some steadying breaths and tried again.
This time she concentrated on not letting the rush come. She touched fake-Bobby's hand again and she felt the rush once more. She dropped his hand and blew out an icy breath. "Is that me or the room Professor?"
"I don't know what you mean Rogue."
"I had Bobby's powers for a minute."
"I'm not sure, did you have control over them?"
"It was too quick." She said.
"Ok, we'll try it again. Try to notice where the powers feel they're coming from."
"I'll try." Rogue was skeptical. She touched bare skin and instead of focusing on trying to control her power she let it flow for almost double the time she had before. She took her hand away and tried to form frost on it.
"Professor?"
"What is it?"
"I think the powers are coming from me." The frost melted from her hand and she had to lean back into the cushions since she was now slightly light-headed.
"Ok, lets try it again, I'm going to be with you this time, do the same thing you just did." She nodded. Fake-Bobby looked at her with the same trust real-Bobby had when they'd first gotten together and she felt her stomach clench with guilt. Even though he was just fake-Bobby she suddenly didn't want to practice on him.
Just one more time Rogue. I want to see where these new powers are coming from. After you break the connection I want you to try to frost the windows. The Professor said inside her head.
All right. She capitulated and touched bare skin. She felt the usual rush into her body at the contact point but none of the memories that came with it when she touched a real person. She held on for ten seconds before she felt too disgusted to continue.
The windows Rogue. The Professor reminded her. Almost absently she frosted them over and wiped her forehead with a frost-covered hand. Then she stopped to consider.
"Professor?"
It seems you're accessing the memory part of your brain, not the area that controls mutations.
"I don't understand."
Let's try something else. He said. Rogue could only nod. Her stomach was churning and she was dizzy so she put her head between her knees and breathed deeply until her head cleared and she no longer felt nauseous. When she sat up there was a woman on the sofa next to her.
She looked like the archetypical grandmother and she smiled reassuringly at Rogue. Rogue took the proffered hand and felt the rush. She only held on for a few seconds and when it was over she looked towards where the Professor was. I don't feel anything.
No, I didn't think you would. He told her. I think that's enough for today.
"But I haven't made any progress." She protested as everything in the room faded except the couch she sat on.
"You've made more than you think. I think it's best you discover it for yourself, but we'll talk after you've had more practice. We'll do this again tomorrow." Charles told her in person from the observation room. Reluctantly she got up and left the room. She wandered slowly along the upstairs hall then out onto the grounds. She couldn't wrap her mind around what had happened in the Danger Room. The Professor thought she'd made progress but she didn't feel any different.
And how had she stolen Bobby's powers when it wasn't even really Bobby? And why had nothing happened when she touched the other image? She hadn't thought this much about her mutation before, before it had always been with loathing and determination to put an end to it.
Endless days and countless hours she'd spent trying to will it away and it hadn't made one bit of difference. And now when she was supposed to have control things were even stranger than they had been before. She sat on a bench with her hands in her lap as she watched the sun start to set. She tried over and over to find her mutation inside, but it was no good, without someone to practice on she didn't even know where to look.
The thought of using someone as practice turned her stomach, it was sick to play with people's lives. The Danger Room allowed her to do it in safety since they weren't real people but it didn't help ease her mind much. Her memories of taking other peoples' life force and powers was fresh every time she even brushed too close to someone, and this afternoon brought those memories back to stab at her.
It was obscene. What she was capable of doing to other people was an abomination, her dad had been right. Control wouldn't change anything, she'd still be a freak, the untouchable, capable of handing out death with an accidental touch. She watched the sun set with unshed tears stinging her eyes and burning her throat.
She sat there until all light was gone and the stars started to perforate the silken sky. She might have gone back on her own before long but a voice in the dark told her she wasn't alone. "Rogue?" It was soft so as not to startle her.
"Logan?"
"Planning on sleeping out here?" Logan asked her, he had scented her out after Charles asked him to find her. Logan didn't mention the fact that Charles could find her without trouble on his own. His senses told him she'd been in the same spot for hours now.
"No, I was just thinking." She said back, her voice quiet in reverence to the night.
"About what?"
"I tried to control my powers in the Danger Room." He waited for her to continue, listening to her breathe. "I couldn't control them, the Professor seems to think I've made progress but I don't feel any different or that anything's changed."
"I don't think he'd lie to you." Silence.
"No, I don't think so either, but his idea of progress seems to be different than most peoples'." She told him eventually. Logan understood this, Charles apparently knew more than he was saying about Logan's past but he wanted Logan to discover it for himself. It left a bad taste in the Wolverine's mouth but Logan trusted Charles nonetheless.
"That's probably true, but you're not quite recovered from all of this, give it a little more time." Her answer was a soft sigh. He put his arm around her shoulders and brought her in to lean on him. She stiffened but he was stronger and he eased her closer as she shook her hair out to be a barrier between them. She kept her hands in her lap but she did relax.
They were silent for nearly an hour when Rogue's stomach protested the late hour. "I suppose I should eat." She commented without interest.
"We both should." Logan said firmly, standing. He waited for her to rise and lead the way back to the mansion. She didn't notice how she was sure footed in the dark over the rough ground but Logan did, though he didn't comment.
Rogue was on her way to the Danger Room the next day when she passed Scott. Something in his body language made her look twice. Though she couldn't see his eyes there was still a haunted look to them that transcended the barrier. She reminded herself that Jean was a personal loss to everyone but none more than the man she loved. Minutes later she was in the Danger Room with the Professor.
"We're going to practice on non-mutants today." He told her and she was relieved. She wasn't quite ready to see a familiar face sitting next to her again so soon.
"Ok, Professor, I'm ready." She sat on the familiar sofa in the familiar room and turned to the woman next to her. She took the woman's proffered hand as she closed her eyes to concentrate. The rush took her even though she was focusing on keeping it from happening. She tried again and again until she was sweating from her efforts.
"How are you doing Rogue?" Charles asked her over the intercom.
"I can't stop it. But I think maybe I'm starting to feel where it's coming from."
"Good, we'll do some more tomorrow." Rogue left feeling better than she had yesterday, she almost felt as though she'd found what she was looking for. She was feeling better about her mutation but she wasn't cheery by any stretch and she avoided everyone to focus on her schoolwork.
Exhausted, she slept. "Rogue?"
"Jean." Rogue greeted her as the mental barriers dropped again. Rogue felt her probe her mind.
"You're making progress."
"It doesn't really feel that way." She admitted.
"It's true, give it a little more time."
"Jean? Did you talk to Scott last night?"
"Why?" Her voice was sharp with emotion.
"I saw him today, he looked…" She brought Scott's face to the front of her mind since she couldn't find the word.
"I think I might be breaking through…maybe." She said, "I think he might remember talking to me when he wakes up. But not consciously, more like a ghost of a memory."
"I'm sorry." Rogue told her.
"For what?"
"That you can't get through to him. He should know you're not…gone." Rogue thought they both seemed so lost without the other.
"We are."
Morning arrived and Rogue woke up with a knot in her stomach. It took her a few minutes to figure out why. It was the day she had to go for a 'session' with the Professor. She was, by nature, a private person, so sharing herself with someone came difficult, especially since that person could see inside her head.
She arrived at the Professor's office at the appointed time and he motioned for her to sit. She sat in the leather chair, feeling small and awkward. "Please try to relax Rogue."
"All right." She replied and forced herself to sit more casually, she closed her eyes for a moment to steady herself and when she opened them again she was more calm.
"Shall we talk about the Danger Room?"
"The Danger Room?"
"About how you felt when you were testing your control."
"I still don't know where it's coming from." He stopped her from continuing with a raised hand.
"That's not what I mean Rogue. I mean how did you feel about using your powers."
"Oh." She was quiet for a while, trying to formulate her thoughts. Charles brushed her subconscious, watching for her to catch the important emotions. "It felt wrong."
"Wrong?"
"I know they weren't real, but it still felt wrong to suck the life out of them. I mean, I know Bobby, I care about him, it's just not right to practice on him, to try not to kill him. I know it wasn't him but it felt like it was, it felt like I was stealing something from him. It feels wrong, it is wrong. I just take and take and I can't give it back." She was trying to stay focused but her emotions were pouring out. "I'm stealing life from people! It's not mine to take, I don't want to take it, its not right that I can. It's not fair that people have to avoid me, they shouldn't have to be afraid I'm going to kill them just because I'm in the same room."
She paused and her voice dropped, "It's not natural. I know I was born with it but it's like a cancer, it eats away at all that's good and right and I can't control it. I know I'm supposed to be able to now but what does it really matter? I can still kill accidentally. At best I might not kill someone but I hurt them. I nearly killed Logan twice! How is he supposed to see me as anything other than dangerous? I'm just a weapon like Magneto said. Not good for anything but death and pain."
Tears were now flowing down her face but her voice was still even, "Why should people have to be exposed to me? Why should they have to be afraid to walk past me in the hallway? I'm no good on missions, even if I get control, how can I help without hurting my teammates? Practice is a joke, even if I could control these powers, I can't use them for anything good. It's not fair to anyone to keep me around. The fact that I can't control my powers is just more proof."
Rogue went on for almost ten minutes, Charles waited for her to say it wasn't fair to her, but she never did.