Quick PSA: Pae, has started writing a fic: The Pokemon Princess Bride. I love it. It is incredible, to say the least. And i would strongly recomend everyone to check it out.
Chapter 5
"You know, if we are in a slasher film, last night makes you just as likely to fall victim as anyone else." Wolf rested his chin on Samus' shoulder, absorbing the aroma of her hair. Her natural scents, laced with Head and Shoulder: Citrus Breeze shampoo. He managed to hold that position for only a moment before she pushed him away. One would think that after such an intimate few hours, she would have gotten used to the warmth of his fur, the moist rubbing of his nose as he took in the spice on her neck, but she was still self-conscious, still jumpy at the slightest touch. Rather forcefully, she pushed him away.
"So by your logic, I've survived Ridley, the Metroids, Mother Brain, Kraid, Ridley in robo-form, the Phazon, Ridley in Phazon-form, Dark Samus, the X, Ridley in X-form, and the SA-X, but I'm going to get killed by a sexually repressed psycho in a mask?"
"I guess now Nana will have to be the last girl. Course she already fit the bill for the screaming innocence who matures by the end but is never mentioned in any of the sequels because she doesn't catch on with the audience."
"Wolf, for the last time, we are not in a slasher film."
The Arbiter was not accustomed to knocking on doors, so he should have been forgiven when he opened the door to Samus' room and walked inside. He managed to say, "The Pichu has been poisoned," before a side table clock screamed through the air at his head. He ducked without much of a problem, standing back up, as Samus threw Wolf onto the ground. She wrapped herself in the bed sheet. Shamelessly, Wolf stood up and began looking around the floor for his pants.
"Arbiter, you really should knock. Suppose Samus didn't have me shielding her from prying eyes."
"I haven't any interest in human women, brother. Is she human?"
"I don't know, Samus, what are you?"
"Part human, part Chozo, and part Metroid."
The Arbiter shook his head. "It seems that a measure of cleaning product, I would guess ammonia by the odor, was poured into the Jigglypuff's cake batter mix, or the frosting, or the cake after it had been baked. By chance Pichu had a slice first. Ammonia is a regent that anyone could get to under the sink, untraceable. Of course, it could just as easily have spilled into the cake batter, completely by accident, when the R.O.B. was cleaning the floor while Ms. Peach was cooking."
"Of course," Wolf snarled. He pulled his shirt over his head, then sat down on the ground to pull his boots on.
"If foul play is involved, given that the targets have consistently been pokemon, I would suspect the human called Red. But because of the highly hostile nature of the attacks, the human has been exonerated of my suspicions. His motivation would be capture, where as the motivation for these attacks appears to be death. We are dealing with someone of pure evil."
"So what, Kirby and Sonic are out."
"I wouldn't dismiss Sonic," Wolf said. "He's got a dark side that's just waiting to come out."
"The Pichu is fine, by the way," Arbiter muttered. "He is having his stomach pumped, and the diabolical, cat looking thing will be with him all night. This assailant seems to know when to strike, what the victims respective weaknesses are. The Mewtwo was attacked, not directly, but through the use of an endless supply of androids. The Lucario was attacked when he was exhausted from his meditative regime. Someone poisoned the Jigglypuff's cake, it was only by chance that the Pichu ingested it. We are looking for someone keen to pick out weaknesses."
Samus turned to the lupine. "Sounds kind of like you."
"I wish it was me, then I would know who it is and I could stop myself."
"I think I may know," the Arbiter said. That was a lie, he hadn't any clue, but misdirection was something useful, since he wasn't actually sure that he could trust Samus.
"Who? I've got a busy night. I would like to get the lynch mob organized before dinner."
"I would rather not say until I am sure. I know you, brother, I don't want your wrath to befall someone undeserving."
"No one in this mansion is innocent. If we don't lynch them for one thing, I'm sure there's something else. Or we could have a preemptive lynching. I'm sure Link will piss me off in the next few days."
"Samus, would you please make sure that Wolf does not harm anyone. I'm certain you can find some way to keep him preoccupied."
And the Arbiter left.
---
"Hello Mr. the Arbiter!" Nana shouted. Even before the Arbiter turned, he felt a tugging up the length of his arm, followed by a weight settling on his shoulder, and a warm embrace on his neck.
"I was looking for you, little sister. You seem to be blessed with observational skills, and your innocence lulls men to show their truth colors."
"Well, I do what I can," she chuckled, blushing. The Arbiter was not a small creature, even by the standards of the smashers. Similarly, Nana was quite small. She could sit easily enough on the Arbiter's broad shoulders.
"If the strange, yet perfectly explainable, accidents that have befallen Mewtwo, Lucario, and Pichu over the past few months had in fact been foul play, who would you suspect?"
"I already told you, Jigglypuff."
"The hair?"
"No, the hair doesn't help matters, but she's awfully shifty. Like, even before the Mewtwo thing, she never, ever came out of her room. Wolf can't grow suspicious of her if he never sees her. Not to mention all that time in her room, she would have lots of time to read Sabotaging a Simulator for Dummies. And Lucario passed out and fell off a waterfall. Lucario doesn't pass out, but if a certain balloon pokemon were to sing him a lullaby. And there is Pichu getting poisoned."
"But Jigglypuff would have been poisoned had she eaten her cake."
"But Jigglypuff always starts her meal off with a sample of everything. Why, on that one day, would she decide to finish off her ice cream and all eight Twinkies, while not touching the cake?"
The Arbiter thought to himself. "Why wouldn't you tell Wolf about any of this?"
"No one listens to me, I think its cause I'm just a kid. I used to threaten to blow up the mansion and everyone just continued on their way. But you listen. I love you Mr. the Arbiter." She hugged him again, stratling his shoulders and holding him tight around the neck.
"You are a very strange creature," the Arbiter noted.
"I learned strangeness from Mewtwo. But he doesn't call it strange, he calls it unique. He says its good."
"That is nice to hear, would you please go back to your room." He hooked a finger in her hood and gently placed her on the ground. "I am going to have a word with Ms. Jigglypuff."
---
The Arbiter tapped the frame of each door, counting the off until he reached the designated room that belonged to the pokemon.
"Ms. Jigglypuff?" he asked.
There were four sets of doorknobs on any given door, each at various heights. The lowest one, closest to the floor, was the one that turned.
"Who the hell are you?" she asked.
"I am the Arbiter, a comrade of Wolf. Would it be alright if we have a few words?"
The pokemon waddled out of the doorway, allowing the Arbiter to stalk inside. Every piece of furniture was miniaturized, the Arbiter was very careful where he stepped.
"What would you like?" Jigglypuff asked.
The room was awash with the color pink and the smell of sweetness. A big screen television and countless boxes of Twinkies and candy wrappers, as well as a karaoke machine hooked up to said television.
"I just wanted to make sure that you are alright. That was a close call, with the tainted cake and all. Wolf requested my presence so that I could investigate the rash of accidents."
"Bout freakin time!" she shouted. "I'll tell you what, I think it was Link."
"Why is that?"
"Link is awfully protective of his little princess."
"Yes, I have heard that. But the friendly must never be excused. The happy and blissful, the ones you feel that you can trust, they are the ones who are most often holding a knife behind the smile."
"Are you implying something?" Jigglypuff asked.
"I am voicing my suspicions ma'am."
Jigglypuff inflated to about double her size. Eyes slit into an angered glare. "What suspicions might those be?"
---
Samus kept her door locked the following night. Link's door was open, but Wolf was fairly certain that the elf was waiting with his precious sword tight in his grip. Nana had been enthusiastic about offering her room up, but that somehow struck Wolf as creepy. So he spent the night on the living room couch. Far from the worst night he'd ever slept through.
Sometime in the morning, early enough that no one else was awake, he went into the kitchen to find something to eat. It was dark, and the sleep in his eyes didn't help matters much. There was a dim light above him, and the refrigerator had a light bulb, so he could see the leftover pasta from the prior night. He knew that the forks were kept in the draw, three steps to the right and just above his hips. He settled down at where he knew the kitchen table was, but touched something firm. He rubbed his eyes, brushing the white muck onto his gloved finger.
"I gave you my bed for a reason, Arbiter," he muttered.
That the kitchen table could support the alien's weight was nothing short of miraculous. He sat up, rubbing his head, and Wolf noted that he had lost his helmet.
"Hungry?" he asked, holding out a forkful of pasta.
"No. Ms. Jigglypuff certainly has a powerful right cross."
"Yep, you wouldn't think that a pink piece of cotton would have any muscle behind her. Why were you talking to the jiggly one anyway?"
"Nana seems to suspect her of misdoings."
"Why the hell would Jigglypuff want Mewtwo dead?"
"That is the mystery, isn't it? However, given her immense hostility when confronted with an accusation, I would not put it outside the realm of possibility."
Wolf huffed. "I'll go talk to her."