Hello all! So sorry for the long break between updates...should get better after the holidays...and thanks so much for the reviews...for those wondering when this story will earn its M rating you will have to wait just a bit longer...but not much...enjoy!

Remember December

Chapter Four

Cuddy sat at her desk in her completely darkened dorm room, a small reading lamp in the corner providing the only light. She tried to work, tried to concentrate but her thoughts kept wandering back to him. She had made a mistake. She screwed up, though now she couldn't decide if the mistake was in kissing him, or in pushing him away.

It was no secret that she had always put herself first, her education, her work, her goals. It was a defense mechanism. Stay focused and concentrate on school; if you never put your heart out there it can never get broken. That's why she attached herself to guys who were no challenge. Guys like Jack who were nice enough and had similar interests and values, but there was nothing fascinating or engaging about them. House was different. She had never met anyone like him and it terrified her. Not only was she more likely to fall for him but he was more likely to break her heart. A chance she wasn't willing to take right now.

And a chance that may never come around again.

Cuddy jumped at a harsh knock on her door. She knocked over a stack of books which clattered to the floor. She knew it was House. Who else would it be? She glanced down at the scant pajamas she was wearing and then looked around furiously for a robe.

A few seconds later she opened that door. House was leaning on the frame with her bag slung over his shoulder. She had left it behind when she took off from the hospital. He seemed somehow surprised to see her standing in front of him. He looked around her barely lit room.

"I hope I didn't wake you up." Cuddy didn't answer but she shook her head, no. House nodded and then extended the bag out to her. "I just wanted to stop by and show you what a nice guy I can be, by returning this to its rightful and sexy owner." His attempt at a joke earned him the hint of a smile behind her tired eyes but it was gone in an instance.

"House…"

"You didn't need to take off like that." He dropped the bag inside her door, but she didn't invite him in.

"I did. I didn't mean to lead you on, I—"

"Don't—"

"What do you want from me?" She was yelling now, and though he fully expected to come here tonight and provoke an argument which just might cause her to kiss him again…her instant resistance stung. And now she wants to know what he wants from her.

"For starters," he said. "I want to kiss you again and I want you to not run away. Then I want you break up with Jack. I want to have sex with you and take you out to dinner. Not necessarily in that order. Then I want more sex and more dinners. I want to talk to you and I want you to talk to me. I want you to trust me enough to know that I am serious about you, and I'm not interested in messing with your anal retentive attention to your work and I'm not the type who would put so much effort into pursuing a girl just to screw her over."

Cuddy stared at him for a moment, and then in a defeated voice, just above a whisper, "I can't."

"Why not?" He almost shouted, "And don't say it's because of Jack."

Cuddy shook her head. "Jack is good for me. He's low maintenance and easy to be around. I like my life without drama or headaches, and I'm sorry but you are not that guy."

"Oh, so you're saying that you like him because he's boring?"

"If you want to take it like that."

House shook his head, "That can't be good enough for you. If it is, then you're not the kind of girl I thought you were."

"It's good enough for right now," she said in a soft voice. She hated herself for the admission. She hated to hear herself tell him that no, she's not the girl he thought. She isn't what he wants or needs, and she wasn't willing to put herself out there for him. Her insides screamed at her to take it back. She was driven mad by trying to avoid heartbreak that she missed herself falling for him. She was breaking her own heart and she was too damn stubborn to stop it.

House's disappointed gaze stung her at her core. He reached out and touched her arm, fingered her silk nightgown and slid his palm over her elbow.

"Cuddy." He was straining. She had hurt his pride and had driven him to beg for her. In the few months that he had known her, House had found himself acting more and more in ways that were foreign to him. She was becoming something to him that he had never thought was possible. And he was terrified of losing that, or even more of having it dangled before him like a prize he would forever chase but never win. His grip on her arm tightened slightly. "There is no half-way. I want to be with you, but I won't keep chasing you or trying to prove that I'm the guy you want me to be. If you don't want to see me, then this is it. We can't be friends anymore; I won't play that game."

"All or nothing?" Cuddy asked with a trace of tears starting to pool in her eyes.

House's fingers played across the slick fabric once more before letting her go. His eyes hit the ground. "That's right."

Neither of them looked at the other for a long moment. And then Cuddy slowly shook her head. "I'm sorry."

House retreated in disgust. "No," he said. "But you will be. You are killing what could have been something really great, and I—" He took a deep breath and looked directly at her and tipped her chin so that she was forced to look at him. He shook his head again. "This is probably for the best. Look what you do to me. I can't take much more of this."

House dipped his head quickly and stole a quick kiss from her lips. "Goodbye Cuddy." He said and then left her standing in her doorway and he spun around and walked away.

When Cuddy woke the next morning her eyes were swollen red and her throat was course and cracked. When House left she had curled up on her bed and cried herself to sleep, mourning a loss of something she had never really had to begin with. He had come out of nowhere, and stormed through her comfortable existence, knowing exactly what he wanted and going straight for it. She had never been like that. For her it was always a debate within herself for what was right and she almost always took the safest path, no matter what the sacrifice. But when House didn't get what he wanted his reaction was not to brush it off and bury the disappointment as she would inevitably do, but to act out. Cuddy pushed herself out of bed and trudged into the shower. When she came out she would have washed away all of her feelings of doubt and remorse. She would go to her classes, finish out her final exams, and with any luck not see or speak to him again for a very long time.

The plan worked pretty well. For the most part. She would go running in the morning and the familiar twinge of disappointment would hit her when he wouldn't be standing downstairs waiting for her. But she'd shake it off and go. She would see him in the hospital from time to time and he would stop her with a cold stare but she'd turn away and when she'd look back, he'd be gone. She found a new place to study on another floor of the hospital far away from their late night diagnostic session. Slowly but surely she had suppressed anything she had felt for House and threw herself even deeper into school.

She avoided seeing Jack. She had a valid excuse (finals and all) but it would be easier not to think about House if she didn't have to be reminded of all she didn't have every time she looked at Jack. She knew she was going to have to end it soon.

A couple weeks later winter break had finally come. Cuddy had slaved through her finals and not surprisingly to everyone but herself, came out with perfect scores. House came out with near perfect scores, a reprimand in his file and a warning that one more incident would land him expelled from the university.

Cuddy had promised Jack that she would meet him for lunch and now that school was over she couldn't keep putting him off. She dropped some books off at the library and then pulled her scarf tight around her before pushing open the door and heading out into the harsh wind and snow falling outside.

She struggled with the wind tossing her aimlessly through the snow drifts and nearly collided with a solid object in front of her. The object grabbed hold of her arms and pulled her into a nearby building. Once out of the wind Cuddy spun around and looked up to find House standing in front of her shaking the snow off his coat.

"You're gonna kill yourself," he said.

Cuddy stared at him disjointed and amazed that of course he would be the one to pull her out of the cold. How appropriate. "Sorry…" she finally managed to get out. "I didn't realize how bad it had gotten out there."

House nodded, and looked away from her. He stared out into the endless white outside. "Think we might get a blizzard?"

"I think we might be in the middle of one." She answered. He still wasn't looking at her. "Are—are you going home for Christmas?" She ventured a conversation.

"Are you making small talk," he asked her.

"I was just wondering—"

"No. not this year." There was a bitterness there that Cuddy had not heard from him before.

"Why not?"

House shoved his hands in his pockets and then glanced over at her. "What do you care?" Cuddy shook her head as she was taken off guard by his harsh tone, but couldn't find an answer. "I'm sure you'd find my home life very fascinating, but unfortunately for me we're not best friends so whatever issues I have with my family are none of your business."

He had taken another swipe, and the blows were landing square and resonant. Cuddy squared her shoulders, not backing down from him. "Jack is throwing an end of the semester get together and he wanted me to invite you. I just wanted to see if you'd be in town this weekend. That's it. I have no interest in your personal life whatsoever."

House smirked. "And how is Mr. Good Enough for Right Now?"

Cuddy shook her head. "I think I'll chance the storm," she said and took a step toward the door.

"Whoa, wait." He moved in front of her. "You can't, it's a mess out there."

"It's worse in here," she said, and then pushed past him and ducked back into the snow drift before he could catch her.

"God damn that woman," House grumbled and pressed his palms into his eyes.

"Sir?" A young sales woman shot him a confused look. House shook his head and pointed inside the cabinet.

"That one," he said.

By the time House showed up on Jack's doorstep he had almost talked himself out of coming. The young redhead on his arm bounced in time with the wind as House knocked on the door. Jack appeared a few moments later and ushered them inside. He looked approvingly at House's date and slapped him on the back. "Dude! Nice."

House shrugged him off. "Totally dude." He canvassed the house looking for Cuddy but she wasn't anywhere insight. Jack handed him an eggnog.

"I'm five up on you man, you need to catch up." Jack laughed and handed one to the girl, then turned and disappeared into the scourge of drunken guests at his house. House put his drink on a nearby table and turned back to the girl.

"Let's just get out of here."

"Oh come on Greg, this'll be fun." She poked him in the side and then followed Jack into the living room. House rolled his eyes and then followed behind her.

He spotted Cuddy standing in the corner next to Jack, who was laughing hysterically at one of their classmates who was attempting to balance a red Christmas tree ornament on his nose. When she spotted him she froze. House moved closer to the redhead and hung his arm over her shoulder. Cuddy shook her head and turned away from him. House smiled to himself.

As the night dragged on House watched Cuddy and Jack closely. On the surface they were fine; if you didn't know any better you'd think they were a perfectly happy couple. Jack was attentive to her and she wasn't unwelcoming. But underneath it all there was a scathing distance between them. Cuddy flinched at every intimate touch and there was a resentful grimace in Jack's stare when he looked at her. Then after awhile Cuddy disappeared.

House stepped onto the back deck and caught Cuddy standing alone, her back to him. "You put on a very convincing show," he said.

Cuddy tensed up, but didn't turn to face him. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see if you were okay?"

Cuddy turned around, and House saw her face. She had been crying. "No. I mean what are you doing here, in this house? It's not enough for you to cut me out of your life because I don't want a relationship with you, you need to bring some other girl here and rub it in my face just to hurt me?"

House stepped closer to her. "That's not what I'm doing. But I don't know why it would hurt you. You didn't want me, remember."

Cuddy nodded and turned away from him. "Get out of here House."

"Not yet—"

"No, you need to leave."

House stepped up behind her and placed his arms on her shoulders and rubbed them. Even the partially enclosed deck wasn't enough to fully protect them from the cold. "What's going on Cuddy?" He turned her around in his arms and her hands immediately clung to his shirt and she buried her face against his chest. House shook his head frustrated. So much for his devious plan to treat her like dirt and make her regret ever walking away from him. House hesitantly let his fingers tangle into her hair and stroked the long strands.

"I wish you would have never come around me," she said.

"Yeah," House whispered back into her ear. "Then you could've gone on diluting yourself, and thinking that this is all you want in life." She laughed between a choked sob and looked up at him. "I wish I could make this easier for you. I wish you would stop making things harder than they need to be."

"None of this has anything to do with Jack. It's me, I don't trust myself with you."

House felt a familiar anger swell inside him. He couldn't listen to her reject him yet again. He pulled her back and forced her to look him in the eye. "You are a coward," he told her. "You have no idea what you want or need, and instead of trying to figure it out for yourself, you let other people tell you what's best or what the safest path is. Take a fucking chance Cuddy. Or you'll go on being confused the rest of your life."

Cuddy listened and didn't break his gaze. Things were quiet for a second and then without thinking, without consideration, Cuddy rose up on her toes and pressed her lips against his.

"Oh. Yeah you're right. I'm just imagining things." Cuddy jumped back and spun around to find Jack standing against the back door.

"Jesus Jack—"

"I expected so much more from you than this," he said in a disgusted spiteful voice. "You really are just like every other dumb girl out there."

House still reeling from her kiss, finally shook himself out of his ravine and stepped in between Cuddy and Jack. "Don't talk to her like that asshole."

"Fuck you Greg." Jack took a threatening but unsteady step toward them both. "Why the hell can't you leave well enough alone? She's no different to you than any of the other dozens of random women you drag into bed and throw out in the morning. She meant something to me." Jack looked over at Cuddy who was fuming behind House. "Past tense," he said.

"Jack, you don't know—"

"Save it," he said. "But you should know that he doesn't give a crap about you. And you are going to feel so stupid after this is over. It'll be a good lesson for you."

"Go to hell," she told him. House grasped her hand but she pulled it away and looked up at him. "And you go to hell too." She looked between them and then pushed past House and stormed back into the house and out the front door.

House was still muttering and cursing when he pulled his motorcycle up in front of his apartment. The bike skidded to a stop and nearly slid into the side of the building. Not riding weather. He winced when he pulled off his helmet. After Cuddy had stormed off House couldn't hold back the impulse to go after Jack. His insults and provocation earned him a black eye, though House decided that in the end, he gave as good as he got.

Before he reached his door he saw a small figure sitting on his step curled up inside an oversized coat. "If that's not Lisa Cuddy buried under all that, then go away. I'm not in the mood."

Cuddy hadn't heard him come home through all the wind, and so she was surprised when she looked up and saw him there. Even more surprising was the shiner on his left eye.

"You got into a fight?" She asked. House unlocked the door and ushered her inside.

"I had some pent up energy I needed to get out," he said closing the door behind them.

"You're an idiot."

"What are you doing here? I thought you told me to go to hell." House took of his coat and tossed it into the closet by the door, then turned back to her and raised his eyebrows.

"You were out of line, coming to his house like that."

"You didn't seem to think so."

"He's right you know. You could care less about having a relationship with me. You like the chase." She walked into his living room and over to the bar. She fingered the bottles of bourbon and vodka sitting open.

"I think you wouldn't be judging me so harshly if I didn't have such a bad reputation." He followed her into the living room but kept his distance.

"Reputations don't come out of nowhere House."

"Is that why you're here? Come to tell me yet again why you don't want to be with me? I got that message loud and clear, but thanks."

Cuddy unzipped her coat and took it off, tossing it over the back of a chair. "Something like that," she said. Then she leaned against the bar and started to unbutton her shirt.