Remember December

Chapter 9

"You should've told me," he said. His stare was still icy but he had reached out and was holding her wrist, stroking her hand with his thumb.

"It was none of your business," she told him flatly.

"None of my business?" He let go of her and leaned back in the chair.

"House, I don't have to remind you of this, but I was dating another man when you and I slept together. That baby could have just as easily been his."

"You think I would have cared about that?" Cuddy didn't say anything, because to her the point was moot. "So, you were scared of what would happen if you had a kid right now, especially not knowing for sure who it belonged too, and so you…terminated it?"

Cuddy wrapped her arms around her chest and shook her head. "I was going to. I had an appointment for the next day, but Tuesday night when I came home from the doctor's office…" Cuddy's eyes were bloodshot red and her lips were dry. She pushed a hand through her hair and snaked her tongue out over her bottom lip. "I started cramping in the middle of the night, and then I had a rupture." Cuddy looked up at House. "I drove to the emergency room that night and the next morning the doctor told me that I had had a miscarriage." She nodded and closed her eyes. "He said it was probably stress related."

House closed his eyes and shook his head. "Cuddy—"

"I would have done it," She told him. "The abortion. If not for the miscarriage, I would've gone through with it."

"Were you alone?" He asked her, putting his hand over hers again.

Cuddy nodded, and tears sprang to her eyes. "Yes," she whispered.

House sucked in a breath and pulled her to him. She slipped her arms around his waist, and he stroked her hair. "You should've called someone. If not me, someone you trusted. You shouldn't have—"

Cuddy closed her eyes against him. "I didn't have anyone…I didn't want you to know, and I...it just hurt so much." She grabbed onto his jacket and tucked her head under his chin. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

House swallowed hard. She was apologizing to him? He couldn't even find the words to comfort her. There was nothing for him to do, so he just held onto her. Forever they sat together in that chair clinging together until Cuddy finally stood up, saying that she was tired and wanted sleep. House nodded and started to leave, but couldn't. He didn't want to leave her, but he also didn't want to be alone. Instead he surprised her by lying down on the bed next to her and for hours, he held her and she held him.

The sun had set long ago and Cuddy snored softly in his arms. House stared at the wall in the dark. He knew he was going to have to leave soon. She would wake up in the morning and she wouldn't want him there. Falling into the temptation for them to use this as an excuse to cling to one another, to find comfort in their loss would be wrong. Because they hadn't lost anything. Not really. Only now House was feeling the inscrutable disappointment at how badly he had screwed things up between them. Even if he had the best of intentions (and that wasn't always; sometimes he was just running scared), he decided for them, he never let her have her say, and so now she was hurting and it was all because of him.

House slid out from under her, putting a pillow in his place. He leaned down, brushing a piece of hair out of her face, and kissed her cheek. She didn't stir and House slipped out of the room unnoticed.

The next several weeks were difficult for them both. There was a lot of avoidance, a lot of empty silences, and when they were forced to interact, they had developed a sort of awkward shorthand for tiptoeing around sensitive subjects. It was almost as if they pretended nothing ever happened then they never had to think about what might have been or even what could be.

But that didn't stop them from becoming obsessively concerned about one another. For instance, House noticed that Cuddy had pushed everything she had been feeling about him, about the miscarriage, her parents, and anything else that was bothering her into a little box which she locked up tight and stored at the furthest recesses of her mind. She threw herself into school with such vigorous dedication that only those who knew her well wouldn't be fooled by such an act.

And Cuddy realized that House was becoming slightly more unraveled with each passing day. He was drinking more, his interest in work had faltered to the point where he was offhandedly rejecting offers to let him consult on diagnostics cases, and occasionally not showing up for Dr. Somers class altogether. He spent his nights alone or in large crowds of strangers and when he made attempts to revert back to his fun filled philandering ways, he realized that his heart wasn't in it the way it once was. Cuddy saw him set himself on a downward spiral and she felt responsible.

But when she tried to approach him about it, it was like smashing into a brick wall.

"I'm fine," he told her, when she showed up at his house, one evening. She frowned and crossed her arms until he let her inside.

"You're in trouble House," she told him. "And I feel like…"

"You feel like whatever's wrong with me is your fault. It's not." He walked over to the bar in his kitchen and pulled the top off a beer. He didn't offer her one. "Because, there's nothing wrong with me. I don't want to act like a jerk to you because then you'll think I'm mad at you. I'm not, I'm just…trying to move on."

"Good job," she said folding her arms in front of her. She looked around at his decrepit apartment, noting that he had been sleeping on his couch, that he hadn't done laundry or dishes in some time, and that there were beer cans or whisky bottles decorating every hard surface. "You seem to be moving on just fine."

"Hey, we're not all like you. We can't all get over things in a night, like they never happened." He said.

Cuddy shook her head. "That's not fair. Don't try to blame me for your screw-ups. If you were having a hard time, we could've talked about it and dealt with it. Whatever else happened between us, I'm still your friend. If I wasn't I wouldn't be here."

House clinched his jaw and looked away from her. "I know that," he said. "I just didn't want to make anything any harder for you. And we work really well together when we ignore everything. I guess I was just trying to get us through this class before…" his voice trailed off.

"Before?"

House sat his beer down on the table. "Before I leave," he said. Cuddy drew in a shallow breath. "I spoke with some people I know from John's Hopkins. They are going to let me come back and start my residency there in the fall."

"You're leaving." Cuddy crossed her hands in front of her.

"I need too."

"Because of me?"

"No," he said, irritated. "Because I don't have anything to stay for. If I go back out there and can stay out of trouble, I'll have a lot more opportunities than I do here."

"If you can keep yourself out of trouble." Cuddy turned away from him and walked around his messy and cramped living room. "When will you be leaving?"

"In about a month. End of the semester."

"And if I hadn't come here today, would you have ever told me, or would you have just disappeared?"

"I'm sure it would've come up."

Cuddy shook her head again and bit her lip, to stop it from shaking. "You're just running away," she told him.

"Yeah, you're right," he said, his annoyance with her presence there becoming more and more evident. "It's not that I got a chance to study at a better school or practice at a better hospital, this is all about you. I'm running away because I can't handle my unrequited love for you."

Cuddy rolled her eyes. "I was stupid to think I could come over here and you would talk to me like a grown up."

"Yeah that was pretty stupid." He stood up and walked over to his front door, swinging it open and looking back at her. "Now if you don't mind, I'm kinda in the middle of something," he said taking another swig of his beer.

A few weeks later Cuddy found herself in Dr. Somers last class of the semester. She had to admit for her first graduate course, she did pretty well. The day she stood in House's apartment, trying to reach out to him, while he smacked her down every chance he got, was the day she decided that House wasn't the type to respond well to sincerity. He tried to apologize the next day, but Cuddy brushed him off. "It's fine, she said. You're right, it's a good opportunity for you." And that was it. If he wanted or needed to talk to her, he would come to her. That was also the day she took off the ring he had given her. She folded it into a sock and put it in the back of her drawer. The way they felt the night he had given it to her seemed like a world away. Every time she looked at it she was almost able to fool herself into thinking that they were still in that place, or that they could be again. It was a lie and it hurt.

Dr. Somers' students came up to collect their exams and shake hands with him and House. They chatted briefly and left one by one, though when Cuddy gathered her things and came up to say goodbye to Dr. Somers he told her he didn't have her exam, and could she please come to his office later that day and pick it up. She agreed that she would. She glanced over at House who was chatting easily with one of the girls in the class. He gave her a weak smile but said nothing.

Cuddy tapped lightly on Somers office door about an hour later. He called for her to come in and motioned her to close the door behind her. Cuddy was relieved to see that Somers was alone and House was nowhere to be found.

"Take a seat," he told her.

"Was something wrong with my exam?" she asked nervously. Somers chuckled and sifted through a stack of papers, coming up with her blue book.

"Your exam was exemplary," he said. "I just wanted to hand it back personally and tell you that I am very proud of the work that you've done for me. I think you're going to make a wonderful doctor someday."

Cuddy raised her eyebrows. "Oh…thank you." She took the exam from him and flipped through it.

"I suppose Greg told you?"

Cuddy nodded without looking up from the test in her lap. "He's going back to Baltimore."

Somers nodded. "It's a good opportunity. He's lucky they let him back in," he said. Cuddy didn't say anything, and he chuckled again. "You know, I've known him a very long time."

Cuddy finally closed the exam and looked up at him. "No, I didn't know that."

Somers nodded. "I served in the Marine Core with his father when I was a young man, and his mother was very kind to me, inviting me over for holiday meals and the like. I practically watched him grow up. I could tell even when he was a boy that he was going to grow up to be something special." Cuddy listened but didn't say anything. "I went into private practice when I left the Marines and when House expressed an interest in studying medicine I wrote recommendations for him, I mentored him, and even when he got into trouble at Hopkins, I stood up for him, and I then convinced him to come here."

Cuddy nodded slowly. She didn't know this man very well, and wasn't quite sure what he was fishing for. "Why are you telling me this?" she asked him.

"In the nearly fifteen years that I have known him, Miss Cuddy, I have never seen him as infatuated with anyone or anything as he has been with you. Not even medicine; his calling, which I assumed to be all great men's great love." Cuddy shifted uncomfortably in her seat, folding her arms across her chest in defense. Somers took his glasses off his nose and started to rub the lenses with a cloth he pulled from his pocket. "When I got wind that there might be something going on between the two of you that might cause trouble for you, I advised Greg to break it off for the time being because I was trying to protect you both. I'm telling you this Miss Cuddy, because I would hate for him to leave with the two of you angry at one another."

"You were trying to protect him," she whispered his words back to him.

Dr. Somers nodded. "He needs that from those close to him, because it is in his nature that he won't protect himself. Always has been." Cuddy echoed in her mind, Houses words from their last morning together before he walked away from her, I don't know what happened…

"Well," Dr. Somers sat his glasses down on his desk. "I've meddled too much in business that isn't my own." He gave her a warm smile. "You will be walking in the commencement ceremony this Sunday, will you not?"

"Yes sir," Cuddy said, pulling herself out of her stunned silence.

Somers turned his chair away from her. "Congratulations young lady."

Cuddy stared at him a few moments longer, before turning around and walking out of his office. House would soon be gone, though through Dr. Somers they would hear about each other over the years. Cuddy would work closely with Somers during the first years of medical school, and she would come to think of him as a mentor and a friend. When House was fired from his first hospital two years after completing his residency, when Cuddy finished medical school second in her class, when House received national recognition for a breakthrough article he published on kidney diseases, when Cuddy was appointed to the board at Georgetown, when House was fired a second time…Dr. Somers would call them up and say things like, "you should just give her a call," or "he said he'd really love to hear from you." After so many years apart Cuddy knew the older man was lying but this last time she picked up the phone anyways, and called a contact at St. Francis Hospital in Pennsylvania, and told the director there that she knew a doctor who would be a great addition to their diagnostics department.

"Dr. Cuddy, you know very well that we don't have a diagnostics department."

"Maybe now you do," she told him. House never called her to say thank you.

It wouldn't be until ten years after House left Michigan that the two of them would see each other again. This time House did pick up the phone to call her. "Cuddy," he said softly into the phone.

"Hi," she said taken off guard at hearing the sound of his voice.

"Hi." He was silent for a moment before he blurted out. "Cuddy, Richard Somers died last night."

But that would be a decade from now. On this bright Sunday morning in spring, Cuddy would step into a black gown, adjust her cap and tassel, and step onto a stage accepting her passage to the next level. Her parents flew in from Vermont, and Cuddy was happy to see them conversing easily with one another, even though they ended up driving back to separate hotels, before dinner. After the flood of congratulations and well wishes, Cuddy was accosted in the lobby as she tried to grab a moment alone.

"I think I can see your nipples through that gown," House said peeking around a buffet cart.

Cuddy spun around startled, and gave him a slight smile; a peace offering. "It's very cold in here," she said. House laughed and came out of his hiding space. He griped her hand and squeezed.

"I'm proud of you," he told her. Cuddy nodded. "Do you—um…you don't want to have dinner with me tonight, do you?" He asked her.

She glanced up at him. "Yeah—I mean I would, but my parents are here, and I'm meeting them after I run home and change. Can we do it tomorrow night?"

House shook his head. "I'm leaving for Baltimore in the morning." She nodded her understanding. "But, I do have something for you," he said. "a graduation present."

Cuddy raised her eyebrows. "Yeah?"

"Can I give you a ride back to your place?" He was smirking.

"I don't understand; what could you possibly have for me that you have to wait until we are in my dorm to give to me?" She was asking as she led the way up the stairs to her dorm.

"Because," he said, resting his hand on the door frame over her head as she unlocked her door, and started to open it. "it's tough to wrap, so I had to bring it here and put it in your dorm while you were gone."

Cuddy turned to look at him, but he reached around her and swung the door the rest of the way open, and motioned for her to go inside. Resting under her windowsill, in place of her old one, was the most beautiful Maplewood desk Cuddy had ever seen. Her eyes grew wide, and she turned back to him.

"Why?"

House laughed. "I know what you meant to say was, 'thank you.'"

"Thank you, but why?"

House shrugged. "You're going to need a good desk next year." Cuddy looked from House to the desk and back. "You know," he said as he walked over to the desk and leaned back against the edge, "you and I have know each other for all of six months, but it has been some of the most wonderful and most frustrating times in my life." He reached out and gripped her hand again. "And now I'm leaving and before I say goodbye for good, I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry and…that I um—" he looked away from her and squeezed her hand again. When he opened his mouth again it was no more than a whisper. "I love you Cuddy."

Cuddy narrowed her eyes, and then pulled him into her arms. She hugged him to her, wrapping her arms around his neck and leaning her head on his chest. House wrapped his arms tight around her waist and rested his forehead on her held him for a long time, there against her new desk, before she stroked her fingers across his neck and whispered, "Is this goodbye for good?"

House kissed his lips to her forehead leaning against his cheek. "I don't know," he said.

A/N: Thank you guys so much for the wonderful reviews; I love to hear what you think about this one...you are all rockstars.

So this chapter pretty much ends the college days part of the history. What I have beyond this fills in some of the time in between and plays with the events of Three-Stories. What I have been doing is going back and looking at old episodes and trying to fill in the blanks...looking at them again through the history I have written in this story, how they have changed, how and why they might react to things a certain way...so tell me what you think about this one, and then when I get more up, I really want to hear how you think those are coming along.