DISCLAIMER: Everything of any worth belongs to Paramount.
NOTES: Episode Add on For Author Author but Kathryn steals it all for her self indulgent realisation of what everyone else already knew
Part 4 - PHYSICIAN HEAL THYSELF
Stardate: 54732.3
Kathryn looked up at the astrometrics display and sighed. From across the galaxy she looked at home, home as it was now, not some distant memory. Despite all the Federation and Earth had been through, she marveled how unchanged it seemed. She briefly looked out of the corner of her eye at Chakotay, but he seemed lost in his own thoughts of home. Forcing on a smile she didn't really feel, she turned to Owen Paris and Reg Barclay and lauded her best thanks.
Chakotay couldn't remember the last time they had stood together, just the two of them. He playfully twisted the stem of his champagne glass between his fingers.
" So how've you been ?" he asked quietly.
Kathryn jumped, startled. She turned back to face him, a gentle smile crossing her face.
" Sorry," she sighed, " I was just watching Tom and Harry."
Chakotay broke into his own broad, dimpled grin.
" Changed haven't they ?" he smiled proudly.
Kathryn grinned at him for all she was worth now. He didn't realize then how much he had missed it. Kathryn was never happier than when she got to show pride in her 'family'.
" We've all changed," she sighed after a while, looking at him pointedly.
Chakotay pursed his lips, considering his words before he answered.
" For the better ?" he asked, neutrally.
As he spoke Kathryn turned to watch Tom relinquish his communications lottery winnings to Harry, watched the younger man beam with hope. She was struck by the sudden thought that there were two camps aboard her ship. There were those like Harry who would do practically anything to get home now that he could almost taste it. And then there were those like Tom, who were happy to help their crewmates to get home, but who weren't all that bothered about getting there themselves. They already were home. Turning back to look at Chakotay as he waited for her to answer, she wondered which of the two camps he fell into. Kathryn reached out for his forearm, needing desperately to feel the solidity of him alll of a sudden. She watched as he sighed heavily and a broad, dimpled grin reached out to her.
" Oh yes," she nodded, finally answering his question, before lamenting sadly on the last few months "for the most part."
Chakotay's smile continued to shine on his face as he reached up to pat the hand on his arm. It was starting to feel like old times. Even Kathryn was admitting that their diminished relationship of the last few months was hardly a high point of their trip. That was why it had surprised him this morning when they had been shown the live view of home.
" You didn't seem all that excited about seeing Earth," Chakotay noted
" I didn't think you were watching," Kathryn replied wistfully.
" I never miss a thing," he grinned and reveled when she echoed his smile. He allowed himself to enjoy it for a few moments before he continued with his question "Was there something wrong with Reg's picture of home ?"
He watched as Kathryn's smiled faded a little.
" Just brought back some old memories, that's all," she dismissed his concern with a gentle shake of her head.
But before he could take the subject further, Tuvok sought safe haven from the celebratory atmosphere with the command team. Chakotay nodded welcomingly to the Vulcan and wondered if he would get another chance to take the subject up with Kathryn again.
It was strange how many different directions your day could take, Chakotay thought as he assembled in the mess hall with the other senior staff. He knew why Kathryn had called the meeting here. It was embarrassing enough for the EMH that everyone had slammed the first draft of his holo-novel. She had thought it would have seemed unduly cruel to have to make him offer up his apologies in the briefing room. It made it look formal, when really the defamation of character that they were all slightly feeling was really a personal thing.
Chakotay was about to perch in the corner when Kathryn caught his eye, nodding ever so slightly with her head to the vacant seat beside her. Smiling he drifted over to sit beside her on the couch. She raised her eyebrows, rolled her eyes and gave him one of those looks that said " this is going to be good ". Chakotay couldn't him but chuckle, drawing a few brief looks, as he shrugged back to her. Kathryn had always been tolerant of the EMH and his evolution as a life form. Chakotay himself had helped the Doc on endless occasions so he had been more than a little upset when he had discovered that the Doctor had painted him as a mindless, thuggish lap dog to a tyrannical captain. Actually, considering how he had painted Kathryn, he was actually rather surprised the EMH was still walking and talking and not decompiled somewhere. Taking the mug of tea Kathryn offered him, he sat back and began to listen.
Kathryn was actually quite proud that the Doctor didn't back track on his principals. He still intended to write his story, he announced to them all, his devotion to the EMHs all but abandoned back home was truly palpable. He had however been in contact with his publisher and brokered a little extra time for some re-writes.
" We're all grateful that you're taking our feelings into account," Kathryn noted as she stood to call the meeting to an end.
" So how long do you expect the revisions will take? " Chakotay asked.
" Art can't be rushed," the EMH added self importantly. His humiliation, it seemed, was short lived.
Chakotay had gotten as good at reading Kathryn's emotions and feelings as she had gotten at reading his. The one up he had on her, was that he had learned to read her feelings even when her back was turned to him. He recognised the body language of a barely restrained death glare aimed in his direction when he saw it. Not wanting to burst their fledgling bubble of their communication and reconciliation, Chakotay relented, backing off on the grilling of the EMH that it seemed had rankled watched as Kathryn walked away from him, without a second glance in his direction.
Kathryn knew Chakotay had got the message. Inwardly she smiled at the small victory.
"Take your time, Doctor," she added for effect as she breezed past the EMH.
His chest puffed out, the Doctor watched his friends leave.
Chakotay considered whether or not he needed another cup of tea before he headed back to the bridge. It might be wise, he thought, to let Kathryn savor her victory against him for a little while before he resurfaced. He reached for the pot and watched absently as the golden liquid poured forth.
" Do you believe that the Doctor will make more flattering representations this time ?"
Chakotay turned to grin widely at Seven again. He'd noticed lately that they had a tendency to meet around the coffee pot, which was ironic considering Seven hated the stuff. He made a mental note to invite her to meet up someplace else sometime.
" I hope so," he finally responded." But I don't see why you were bothered. The doctor's representation of you was quite positive."
Seven raised an incredulous eyebrow.
" His representations of me were always whimpering, spineless facsimiles," Seven noted harshly," there was nothing flattering about them. And as for Mr Paris' version…."
Chakotay grinned. He had to admit that there was nothing really appealing about three air-headed triplet drones.
" I see your point," he agreed," but at least you didn't slap people about for a living with a face that looks like Naomi colored it in."
Seven very nearly laughed at that.
" Touche," she grinned." But I'm sure the Doctor does not really see you in such a light. You are everything that character was not. You are kind, gentle, thoughtful. A man of peace."
Chakotay thought that he might actually blush.
" Thank you Seven," he smiled, " but at the very least the Doctor got your personality traits right first off."
He had heard from Tom that Seven was the only morally viable character in the story. She had stood up for the Doctor when he was threatened with extinction.
" I think the Doctor sees me through rose tinted glasses, as you would say," Seven sighed.
Chakotay sipped his tea, watching her over the rim of the mug. Seven did seem uncomfortable being the only beacon of morality in the sea of otherwise sordid characters.
" I think he's rather fond of you," Chakotay noted.
It was kind of obvious to everyone else, all though it would have mortified the EMH to think that everyone was so aware of it.
" I believe you may be correct," Seven replied uncomfortably," But I do not think he is, as Mr Paris would say, my type."
Chakotay chuckled as he refilled his tea and poured a mug of Almost-As-Good-As-Coffee to take back as a peace offering to Kathryn.
" So what is your type?" he teased gently, allowing for the fact that Seven wasn't as used to his sense of humour as Kathryn was.
Seven smiled at his playfulness and considered what would be an appropriate response. She wanted to ensure that she did not seem too remote, but also that she didn't come across as anything like the pathetic version of herself Mr Paris had conjured up. Hmmm….. Tom Paris…..
Seven looked up and smiled at Chakotay, something he had never seen her do before.
" As Mr Paris is fond of saying," Seven began, thinking back to something she had over heard him saying to B'Elanna when they had first begun their affiliation," that is for me to know and you to find out."
Chakotay broke into uncontrolled laughter and nodded defeat. Chuckling to himself he told her they would catch up later, and buoyed by some not unpleasant images, he carefully tried to take the two mugs back to the bridge without spilling any all over the deck between his chuckles.
As Chakotay left the Doctor turned from where he had sat unobserved on the couch and watched as Seven left through the opposite door. His heart, if he had one, would have been heavy with sadness. He had thought Seven would have been pleased with his representation of her. Although he would still strenuously deny that any of the characters were based on any member of the crew, he had to admit that the kindness that Seven had shown him had been a major factor in the design of the protagonist's ally. Seven had never judged him, she had never, as others had been prone to do at times, thought of him as just a piece of technology. She was one of only a few that agreed to spend any social time with him, and he had thought that she had enjoyed their time together as much as he had. It seemed that, watching Seven with Chakotay, the feelings he had thought gone when she had discontinued her Chakotay romance holo-programme, were actually flourishing and transferring to the real thing. What bothered him was that it seemed to him that the Commander reciprocated.
It turned out that in the grand scheme of things, the Doctor's publisher, Mr Broht, didn't share the Doctor's optimism over the character re-writes. Broht wasn't a fool, Janeway thought as she listened to Tuvok, Tom and the Doctor hash out another round of defense tactics. The man knew that there was money to be made from the idea that any of the Doctor's characters or storylines were based on real people and real events. He knew that any re-writes that the Doctor made to the characters to make them seem less like living indivduals was likely to result in a severe depletion in his profit base. Kathryn knew for a fact that there was a reason sensationalist tabloids existed. It was because there were always more fools prepared to believe, in and pay for idle gossip than there was a thinking human being prepared to search for the truth.
The day had been a long one. She was tired beyond belief and she had never been so angry and frustrated with Federation bureaucracy. She had thought about catching up with Chakotay, perhaps having dinner. She thought about his question about why Earth had given her such a pained look and she considered asking him. She reached for her padd as the men continued to debate betweent themselves and paged Chakotay with an offer of dinner. She hoped desperately that he would be free. He was the only person she had come across in her entire life who could successfullt rescue her from the onset of depression. She thought of all those times he had done it years ago when they were stranded on New Earth.
The padd flashed a message back. Sorry, got the night shift so that you can have Tom there with you. Raincheck ? Please ?
But before Kathryn could sigh heavily at her sunken heart, before she even page him back to assuage the sense of regret in his words, she realised that the Doctor was addressing her.
" Captain, it's the crew's reputations that are as risk," the doctor stressed.
Janeway looked up suddenly, realising that although she had been only half listening to the conversation, she had completely zoned out as she paged Chakotay. Dredging together what she remembered overhearing the two of them say, something regarding the reputations of the crew involved, she formulated a quick respsonce.
" I'm not so sure," Janeway said quietly as she looked from Tuvok to the Doctor," I think it's your reputation that's on the line here. You have the same rights as every other member of this crew and I'm not going to let this publisher say otherwise."
The meeting was adjourned as the new tactics were decided upon. Tuvok stood, collecting up his padds as he did so.
" In that case, I shall plan my case accordingly," he noted and with a polite nod to the captain, he excused himself from the briefing room.
Tom smiled faintly in the Doctor's direction before he too left the briefing room.
The doors whispered shut again. Janeway looked at the doctor.
" Don't worry Doctor," she reassured him, " I have complete faith in Tuvok's ability to win this case."
The EMH nodded blankly.
" You do want to win, don't you Doctor?" she asked.
The EMH shrugged his shoulders. His world had been rattled a little since he had heard Seven and Commander Chakotay in the mess hall, and then Arlen Broht had slapped an injunction on him. It felt like everything that he had believed in was falling apart.
" I suppose I do," he muttered, and when Janeway raised a questioning eyebrow in his direction, he seemed to sit up a little straighter as he spoke to her." Its not that I'm not grateful captain, I am, truly. Its just that this episode with Mr Broht has just reminded me all the more why I wrote the book in the first place."
" Enlighten me," Janeway half chuckled," I must admit I'm a little curious as to why you would want to lampoon those nearest to you. You have some very dear friends among those people you demonized. I thought they would have deserved a little more of your respect."
She was starting to feel the hostile feelings that she usually got when she was depressed. Hostility that Chakotay normally soothed away, she realised.
" See that's exactly what I tried to get through to Mr Paris before he massacred my manuscript," the Doctor sighed in frustration," These characters are nothing like my friends aboard Voyager."
" Well you could have fooled me," Janeway replied.
" They are representations of the various facets and foibles of humanity. They are reflections of the kind of emotions that I see directed at me. They are intended to enlighten the reader on the human condition in relation to the photonic one," the Doctor noted," but its more than that. This story is also my thoughts on how I view Voyager. How I see my home."
" You see Voyager as a prison ?" Janeway asked.
" No, just the opposite. The holo-emitter is the prison. Voyager is like a great unknown. A proper life aboard Voyager is the ultimate dream."
" Life aboard Voyager is no dream," the captain snorted derisively, thinking over all the hard times they had had on this ship and the good people who were no longer here to enjoy its existence.
" To me it is," the EMH replied emphatically, " At least, it's the representation of a dream. I didn't pick it lightly when I chose to set my story here. It is, after all, where I was born. It was the most real gesture I thought I could make."
He sighed a little, watched as the captain seemed lost away in thought. She stared out of the briefing room window, leaning against the support strut and crossing her arms. She looked very small today. She felt very small today.
" Then what with Mr Paris trashing everything that I did and Broht telling me I had not rights to discern my future, well it struck a note," the Doctor continued,"It seems that my entire seven years on this ship has been for nothing. I mean no more now to Starfleet than any plasma vent degauser. It is like my life has never meant a thing, all that I have done is for nothing. Its like humanity just wants to disinvest me of something I was proud off and mutate it into a fallousy. All that I have achieved is likely to be thrown to the four winds when I get home, purely because my brain is photonic instead of organic. I some times wonder why I bother to continue to exist with so little purpose. To me It's like my whole life has been some other persons bad dream."
" Tom was merely trying to teach you a lesson on the fickle nature of humanity, Doctor," Janeway countered, not bothering to look away from her examination of the stars." I'm sure he had no malicious intentions. And this ship has been and will always be your home, Doctor. No matter what this quadrant throws at us."
" You simply don't understand, " the doctor noted, his brown furrowing in that usual way he had when he grew frustrated with the limited awareness of non-photonics.
" Oh I think, you'd be surprised, Doctor," Janeway sighed as she reached for her coffee cup.
"Might I ask when you recently had your world ripped out from under you ?" he asked. He had meant it to be a polite enquiry, but as usual it came out sounding mildly sarcastic.
" Funnily enough not that long ago," Janeway sighed into the blackness the other side of the viewport, her thoughts drifitng back over her less than joyful recent past.