DISCLAIMER: Everything of any worth belongs to Paramount.
NOTES: Episode Add on For Homestead
Ships That Pass
"This is an official ship function, Commander," Kathryn teased her Chief of Security "Don't make me order you to dance. "
Kathryn watched the frustrated bemusement cross Tuvok's face. She knew that deep down he hated it that she knew exactly how to play him, but he was too much of a gentleman, not to mention too much of a Vulcan to let the matter get the better of him. Forbearance prevailed. Kathryn smiled.
"Sorry to interrupt," Chakotay spoke up as he weaved his way into the little group," but I've got some interesting news. Neelix, you might want to hear this. Long-range sensors have detected several hundred life signs approximately four point nine light-years away. They're Talaxian".
Kathryn's face darted to her first officer. He nodded ever so slightly at her, part silent greeting, part confirmation of his statement. She could hardly believe his words. Talaxians forty thousand light years from where they last met any. She turned to watch the look of utter wonderment spread across Neelix's face.
She knew how much Neelix missed the company of other Talaxians. She had spent a lot of long evenings here in the mess hall with him of late. Ever since she had put two and two together and got seven, she told herself - pun very much intended - she had had a hard time getting to sleep at night with her thoughts about Chakotay. She had resumed her nocturnal wanderings of the corridors, something Chakotay's good company over the years had weaned out of her.
Some of the old night shift faces were not so surprised to see her, but they were definitely perplexed by her return to the ways of old. The ebb and flow of morale on the ship, she was ashamed to admit, revolved around a harmonious relationship between her and Chakotay. Tom had told her one evening a few years ago in Sandrine's, that when she and Chakotay had a spat, the morale of the lower decks took a nose dive. At least, that was what she thought he had said between all the other Paris parlance and euphemisms that he spouted. She had been desperate this time to make sure that the differences she and Chakotay had stayed between them. And the easiest way she knew of to do that, was to bury herself in the persona of the captain.
She just wished Chakotay would make it a damn sight easier. Take tonight for example. Every First Contact day, Prixin, Christmas, Kal Rekk, Gratitude Festival and Thanksgiving for the last Seven years Chakotay had escorted her. Sometimes he had pushed her from her quarters kicking and screaming, but he had always taken her. Somehow the events had usually turned out to be a lot more fun than she thought they would be, something that she had often put down to Chakotay's irripressibly good humoured company. This time things had changed. Seven couldn't make it to First Contact Day this time, so Chakotay had volunteered to relieve Tuvok from his traditional post on the bridge. He never bothered to ask Kathryn. It had felt like a slap on the face to her. And it smarted like hell.
So she had been nicely 'forced' to switch roles, and it was she who invited Tuvok to be her 'date'. It was she who dragged him kicking and screaming, it was she who smiled and convinced him that everything was ok, that the evening wouldn't be as bad as he thought and that he might just have a nice evening despite himself.
But as nice as the company was, she missed her friend. And now that friend was standing before her telling her the miraculous news that she only half heard. Kathryn realised that the sound of his voice had so taken her by surprise that her entire perception of the world had shrunk to just the two of them. Kicking herself and calling herself a few choice names, Kathryn forced herself not to delight in his presence now that he was here and with more effort than she thought it would need, she turned her attentions to her over excited chef. This was after all about him, not her.
Kathryn couldn't help but grin at the way Neelix paced the bridge. He had asked the eternal question of thousands of over excited children again and again, until even Tom was starting to lose patience with him.
"Are we there yet? "He said for the…...for the...no, she'd lost count.
Kathryn watched out of the corner of her eye as Chakotay bristled again, and immediately tried to feel guilty for the small amount of pleasure it gave her. She failed.
"Not exactly," She replied to Neelix patiently, before Tuvok rescued her and she was free to let the thoughs wander again.
She vaguely heard Chakotay mutter something about interference and Tom waffle something about taking the Delta Flyer. She knew they deserved her fullest attention, but today she just couldn't give it. Her thoughts had been thrown into turmoil a few hours ago and now she just couldn't control them. Kathryn was still stewing over First Contact night. More precisely Kathryn was stewing over her reactions to last night.
She had thought she was doing so well, maintaining her equilibrium over the whole Chakotay and Seven thing. Thing. That was what she had taken to calling it. A Thing. It smarted too much to call it a relationship. Calling her his girlfriend sounded even worse to her ears, the more so because of the fact that Chakotay was good twenty years older than Seven.
Not that she was one to dissent against an age gap relationship. There had been a few years between her and Mark. And the first guy she had dated at Seven's age had been older than Chakotay. It probably stemmed, she tried to tell herself rationally, from the fact that she didn't want anyone else to be Chakotay's girl but herself, sinking into Paris's juvenile language again. Oh grow up, Kathryn, she hissed at her self.
"Kathryn?" Chakotay asked, his face somewhere between query and faint amusement at her behaviour.
Kathryn closed her eyes, rolled them behind her eyelids and wondered if her day could possibly get any worse.
"Nothing, Commander," she forced a smile, rapidly trying to think of an excuse that would satisfy Chakotay, usually no easy task "just…..hungry."
"Sorry," he grinned, "the chef just left."
Janeway looked up to see Neelix, Tom and Tuvok disappear. She didn't remember issuing the orders, but she must have.
"Damn," she smiled. "And I was so looking forward to Leola root something or other."
Chakotay grinned at her, trademark dimples throwing Kathryn's carefully sculpted captain face to the four winds.
"You really hungry?" he asked.
Kathryn turned to look at him, all prepared with another wonderfully fabricated answer. But she realised that, just as Chakotay had told her for seven years, coffee was not a fourth food group and that it hadn't satiated her hunger at all this evening...morning... whatever it was now. She was starving.
"Yes I am actually," she replied, her own admission causing Chakotay to laugh further.
He stood and took her by the hand.
"Harry, you have the bridge," he called out as he led Kathryn," I'm off to feed the captain."
Harry didn't bat an eyelid, just smiled faintly, Kathryn noted, as Chakotay dragged her past. Were her crew really used to such aberrant behaviour from its senior staff?
"So, "Chakotay asked as they rode the turbolift to his quarters." Pancakes or muffins?"
Janeway returned his smile. He knew damn well what she would choose.
On any other ship in Starfleet, for that matter on any other ship in the galaxy, the first officer fixing pancakes for his captain at three in the morning would have seemed a little odd. But on Voyager it was almost the byword for normal.
"It was such a shame that you couldn't make it to the party last night," Kathryn mused as she finished the last forkful of a large pile of pancakes. She hadn't been able to resist them since he had first made them that morning not long after they had arrived on New Earth.
Chakotay shrugged nonchalantly.
" I thought it was about time we let Tuvok out of his box," he offered, with a grin," he's been stuck on babysitting duty on the bridge for the last seven years. And Naomi wanted him to participate."
"You and Tuvok don't exactly get along," Kathryn replied as she replaced her fork to the plate and pushed it away with a sigh of satisfaction," and Tuvok actually likes the excuse not to go."
Chakotay knew he did. That was why he had been hoping to borrow it.
"Tuvok and I get on fine," Chakotay corrected her as he cleared away the dishes and ordered her a cup of the fourth food group. She had eaten a proper meal voluntarily for what must have been the first time in years. She warranted a treat.
Kathryn grinned gratefully as she accepted the mug.
"So how've you been, "she asked, "I don't seem to see as much of you as I used to."
Chakotay looked at her sadly. She was right. They hadn't had chance with one thing and another to spend time like this together since Joe had died.
"I'm sorry, "he apologised to her.
Kathryn had been expecting a few different responses, but an apology wasn't one of them. She reached out for his hand over the dining table and squeezed it gently.
"I didn't mean it like that," she replied, her eyes carrying her own concern over upsetting him.
Chakotay felt guilty all over again. He decided that if he apologised again they would end up going in circles like this all night. He worked up his best grin and changed the subject.
"So did you miss me?" he asked.
It had an effect on Kathryn that he hadn't expected. Kathryn's breath seemed to catch in her own throat and he thought that she flushed. Kathryn blinked nervously, and he watched as her eyes flicked over the remainder of their breakfast on the table. He had expected one of her stern looks, the one that said "you're just that short of a death glare mister if only you weren't my friend." Instead she had seemed to falter on the edge of coyness. She twisted the mug nervously in her fingers. He found himself captivated by her again. This was a side of her he had never, in seven years, ever thought he would see. They had been close over the years, sometimes just short of intimacy. He had held her safe in his arms when they had sailed on Lake George after her brush with death. She had stood by his bedside when he thought he was losing his mind. She hadn't laughed at his fear of the crazy gene and he hadn't belittled her little battles with depression. They had cooked and been cooked for and by each other. They had lounged on each others sofas when there were reports to be read, strategies to discuss, gossip to share or sometimes just for the sheer silent company of the other. On New Earth they had gotten used to spending evenings together quietly reading. It was a habit they had found hard to break after they had returned. They had been through good and bad together, seeing the best and worst of each other.
But in all that time, all those moments, Chakotay had never seen this side of her. And it fascinated him.
Kathryn caught the breath before a gasp or anything else as equally embarrassing could happen to her. She tried to mask it by blowing cooling air across the surface of her mug's contents.
"A little," she finally replied, "Tuvok just doesn't have your sense of humour. And a sense of humour is one thing that is a must at a Neelix party."
Now that was the Kathryn he knew, silently masking her own emotions in a witty quip, but the side of her that he had seen was something that he couldn't just push away. He was suddenly remorseful for the reason that he had missed the party. He hadn't wanted to go on his own, yet again. The time that he had spent with Seven and the Ventu, he had found himself enjoying the flirting, the open, shared emotion, such as it was. When the party had been announced he had decided there and then, perhaps in a fit of stubborn pique, that he wasn't going to go alone again this year. He wouldn't go as a token escort, but rather as someone's date.
So he had asked Seven. She had been taken aback, pleasantly surprised by his question, but she had refused. She had illuminated the error in his plan though; she was rostered to work in Astrometrics that night, due to scheduled pass of a significant stellar anomaly. He remembered feeling oddly elated and thankful that it had nothing to do with him
It had sounded gallant to his ears when he had protested that he wouldn't go either, except for the look that Kathryn gave him. That look of sadness in her eyes when he announced that he had switched with Tuvok for the night. It had made him regret his actions. Now he remembered why he always went with Kathryn, even when it was only as the token escort. He loved being with her.
"It's been a tough month," Chakotay finally spoke.
Kathryn was almost grateful that he didn't push further with his concern over her choking on her coffee... Almost. She had found herself unable to look him in the eye immediately, but she hadn't been oblivious to him looking at her. The look on his face surprised her. She hadn't seen it in a while, not since they had drifted apart ever so slightly over the Ransom issue. He had remained her friend, stood by her without question as her First Officer, but she knew that the fact that she hadn't gone to him in her hour of greatest need had hurt him. He had thought their relationship was better than that. The fact that she had pushed him away even harder that time...well it had all had played its part in some small way in their drifting apart.
But that look on his face now, Kathryn remembered that look well. She had gone to sleep on many a night on New Earth, and many more nights since they had returned all those years ago, with that look of his in her mind's eye. She had cherished it. It was a look of genuine affection, tender care. That was one of many reasons, Kathryn thought, that she loved being with him. His look had very nearly taken her breath away, something she could honestly say no man ever, not even Mark, had managed to elicit from her.
Kathryn focused on her coffee as she tried to re-organise her thoughts. She desperately tried to reminded herself, he was with someone else now, that look was nothing like she had thought it was. It was just a product of her own confusion.
She looked up at him finally as he spoke. A tough month…
"We've certainly had better, "she replied.
"At least we're still together."
Kathryn looked up at him sharply.
"The crew," he clarified, "at least we're all still together."
Kathryn grinned.
"Thank god," she sighed "I don't know what I would do with out them."
Chakotay nodded agreement.
"Or you."
There it was again, that look. She desperately searched his face for some signal, for something that would confirm to her that she wasn't about to make and idiot of herself. She looked him in the eye this time, hoping that her words would tell him all those things that she didn't have the courage to right now.
Kathryn held up her palm to him, her fingers spread wide in a gesture she knew he would recognise. He did. Smiling, he threaded his fingers into hers.
"We are quite a team, aren't we," he noted.
"I'm pretty sure Starfleet would question some of the decisions we've made," she replied," but you know what Tom would say?"
Chakotay nodded.
"If it ain't broke don't fix it," he recited.
They chuckled together, and Chakotay let their hands drift to the table, but didn't let them seperate. He could see the tiredness aching behind Kathryn's eyes, despite the copious amounts of the fourth food group, but he wanted to stay in this moment for as long as possible. He was starting to wonder whether his decision to move on was the right one. He had never felt as confused about anything in his entire life. He has always been so certain about his decisions in life. He never doubted himself when he decided to leave the tribe, never questioned himself when he left Starfleet for the Maquis. He had believed in his decision with all that he was when he agreed to merge his crew into Kathryn's and he had never faltered from that decision in seven years. But now he was riddled with doubt and confusion. He was caught between his feelings for two women, one whom he loved the other who would love him. B'Elanna would probably call him and idiot, but he was caught between love for Kathryn, who was constrained by protocol to limit her emotions, and Seven, who barely had emotions but seemed so willing to love him. He desperately needed a signal from Kathryn.
"I hope Neelix finds what he's looking for," Kathryn continued as she sipped coffee.
Chakotay looked up from his own mug at her.
"Is he looking for something?"
Kathryn nodded slowly.
"The last couple of weeks I haven't been able to sleep so well," Kathryn began.
"I know," Chakotay cut in, and at Kathryn's quizzical raised eyebrow, he added," I hear you."
Kathryn smiled, somehow comforted that he still noticed when things weren't right with her.
"You were one more night away from a lecture," he teased, harking back to the days of old when he had helped Kathryn with her insomnia.
"Anyway," Kathryn continued, deftly directing the conversation away from what she knew would follow," I got to spending a lot of time in the mess hall."
"Understandable," he noted, "it's your favourite place to sit and think."
"Neelix makes surprisingly good sense at one o'clock in the morning," she continued.
"Somebody has to, "Chakotay quipped, but a stern look from Kathryn made his rein in his sense of humour." Sorry, you were saying."
" I didn't really notice until he told me, but Neelix has been lonely ever since Kes left," Kathryn continued," I think she was his whole reason for carrying on, almost certainly for longer than he cared to admit to any of us. He stayed because he felt a purpose here, but purpose can only carry a man for so long."
Don't I know it, Chakotay thought?, wondering whether Kathryn could read his thoughts, understand his confusion.
"You think he's in search of somewhere to put down roots?" Chakotay asked.
Kathryn nodded.
"If we don't get this ship home soon," Kathryn sighed, "I think that he will just be the first of many."
"Everyone is committed to getting this ship home, Kathryn," Chakotay tried to convince her.
"Everyone?"
"Absolutely, every man, woman and Vulcan."
"I'm not."
Chakotay looked at her twice, double taking at her words. He couldn't believe the sense of defeat he heard in Kathryn's voice. Would she really give it all up after all this time ? He saw just how sunken she seemed. She had been a little withdrawn over the last few weeks, but he had been almost certain that it had something to do with Joe's death. But now he wondered.
He cocked his head slightly as he looked at her, and his attention seemed to register with her. She smiled at him gratefully, shaking away her thoughts.
"Don't listen to me," she chuckled, "I'm just maudlin."
"At three in the morning every body's maudlin," Chakotay chuckled, "I promise not to hold it against you."
They stared at each other. Each searched the others face for a sign, but it was Kathryn who finally spoke.
"I hear you have a new friend," she muttered quietly, silently shocked with herself for actually saying it.
Chakotay looked at her. He should have known better than to think that he could keep it from her. Part of him was glad that he no longer would have too. But it didn't make it easier for him to get a sign from her.
"It's not what you think," he noted.
"Would you like it to be?" Kathryn asked.
Now there's a loaded question, Chakotay thought to himself. He still found Kathryn incredibly beautiful. He doubted that he would ever see a more beautiful woman in his life, and even though he was not proud of it, that included Seven. As much as he relished Seven's openness at the moment, there was still a part of him that craved the unspoken, un-debated understanding that Kathryn gave him. Chakotay felt his confusion growing.
"I don't know what I want anymore," he sighed heavily, and that was as honest an answer as he could give.
"Do you love her," Kathryn asked.
"I don't know," Chakotay replied, "I love the way that she makes me feel, but I don't know that if that's love."
He was thankful of someone other than himself to finally discuss his feelings with. He had thought better of discussing this with B'Elanna when he considered how hostile she was to Seven, and the natural proclivity that she and Paris had to his relationship with Kathryn. But he would have sooner faced hostility with B'Elanna than sit hear discussing his love life with Seven with the other woman he was interested in. But he had to find out how Kathryn felt, and this was as good a chance as any.
"How does she make you feel?" Kathryn asked .
This was what crunch time looked like then, Kathryn thought idly.
"Needed," Chakotay replied almost instantly, noticing Kathryn wince ever so slightly," alive….young."
Everything I can't give you, Kathryn thought to herself.
"What doesn't she do for you?" Kathryn asked, wondering when the idiocy that was friendship would come to an end and she would stand up and do something for herself.
"She doesn't seem to understand the instinctive things that come with knowing someone," Chakotay sighed, lamenting how tiring that it could get with Seven at times. She had mastered the witty repartee, learned how to understand his odd sense of humour, but she still had trouble with the things that filled in the gaps.
"Like," Kathryn pushed.
"Like that I hate pudding after dinner for no real reason that I can define and analyse other than it's slimy," he argued, weakly.
"More for me," Kathryn noted.
Chakotay smiled. He remembered well how Kathryn had grazed off his plate over the years. He had never really minded. At least he knew when she was eating then. But it was that familiarity that he missed with Seven, that ease of interaction. Where Kathryn would think nothing of stabbing her fork into his pasta, Seven remained more restrained. Perhaps to Kathryn it would seem petty but Chakotay liked that sort of thing.
"I know she's your protégé," he began, his thougths drifting between his affection to Seven and Kathryn.
"She's her own woman," Kathryn replied, holding her free palm up to him to prevent further objection." Just as much as you're your own man."
Chakotay looked at Kathryn. It was now or never. He had realised sat here with Kathryn that his feelings for her weren't as dormant as he had thought they were. He loved her passion, her fire, her temper and her obssession with coffee. He loved the way she cared for the entire crew as if they were her own children. He loved the way she played him and Tom and all of the others to get her own way. He loved so much about her.
"So, "he began quietly, "….so….how do you feel about it?"
Kathryn looked up at him. Her mind yelled at her to tell him the truth.
"As your captain," she began," or as your friend?"
Chakotay shrugged gently, but his eyes never left hers as they watched each other intently.
"Either," he replied, "both."
"As your captain I try not to meddle in the affairs of my crew," she began.
"And as my friend?"
Kathryn knew she had to do it. She opened her mouth to say it. Now finally, after all this time she was going to tell him she loved him.
But the door chime rang.
"What the hell…" Chakotay hissed, muttering to himself that it was just his luck." Who the hell would be up at this time of the morning?"
"We are," Kathryn smiled.
"Come!" Chakotay yelled, and when the doors opened to reveal Seven, Kathryn felt Chakotay's hand dart from hers. They had held hands so long that evening that her hand felt empty with out his.
"Seven?" he asked, nervously looking from her to Kathryn.
"I hoped you might still be up," Seven informed him, nodding hello to her captain as she entered," I have the reports that you were asking for."
Kathryn saw the smile that played her friends lips as he watched Seven enter. And she suddenly realised why he had been talking so openly of his feelings for Seven this evening. It wasn't because he loved her, Kathryn, but rather was seeking her approval, as his best friend, for the changes he was making in his life. As his friend she felt honoured; as the woman who loved him, she felt destroyed.
"No its okay, Chakotay," Kathryn sighed getting up, trying desperately not to let her heart fall to pieces in front of the both of them "I've prevailed on your hospitality enough for such an ungodly hour of the morning." Kathryn offered her chair to the other woman, "plenty of pancakes left, Seven. I'd suggest you give them a try. The Commander's talents in that area are worth appreciating."
"I'm sure there are plenty to share, Captain," Seven offered," I would not want you to leave prematurely."
Kathryn smiled at Seven's efforts. She tried hard to hate her, to hate both of them. But she only felt numb.
"Anymore and I'd burst," Kathryn smiled graciously, indicating the seat again, "Please."
The two women exchanged places, Chakotay following Kathryn to the door. As the doors slid open, Kathryn turned to face him.
"I'll see you on the bridge for Tuvok and Tom's report?" she half asked, half ordered.
"I'll be there," Chakotay replied quietly, watching Kathryn intently, for a sign. Any sign. He had noticed the change in her attitude towards him. He knew that if he were ever to get a sign from her, it would have to be now, before she buried her feelings by busying herself again.
But there was nothing. No hint of anything more than they had already shared over the years. His chest tightened as his heart sank.
Kathryn looked into her friends eyes, seeing the nervous curiosity there. But it was not the curiiosity Kathryn thought it was. She thought he still wanted her approval.
"As your friend," she answered him, and his head perked up, suddenly interested,"….as your friend….. I hope this gives you the happiness that you deserve, Chakotay. Seven is perfect for you…..you're perfect for her. She needs someone as gentle as you. Be happy, my friend."
She placed a gently hand on his chest, almost over his heart, and mustered up the best smile of support and approval that she could. And with a simple good night she was gone.
Chakotay watched as the doors closed behind her. He continued to lean against the inside of the frame, staring at the closed portal in front of him. He had thought, really thought, that Kathryn still held feelings for him, hoped beyond hope when she had told him she missed him as her escort the night before, that it had been one of her usual precursors to more. But when he had finally gathered the courage to ask her opinion, hoping that she would tell him how she felt, he discovered the answer was nothing like he had ever imagined.
Kathryn simply didn't care for him anymore, not in that way. As much as he knew Kathryn's stubbornness, her almost fanatical adherence to protocol, he doubted very much she would have told him to settle down with someone else if she were still in love with him herself. She would do what she had always done, told him that they were more than just friends, but that protocol wouldn't let them be more than just friends. He had more or less stayed faithful to her the last five years on that hope. Now it seemed to be a lost hope.
"Chakotay?" Seven asked, curiously as he approached him." Are you all right?"
Chakotay looked down at the younger woman, saw the genuine feelings there. Seven was so much the opposite of Kathryn. She spoke and acted her emotions for what they were to her. She didn't bury them behind protocol. Maybe Kathryn was right….
"So," he asked turning to Seven, pulling himself back to present, only the faintest watery sheen to his eyes hinting at his broken heart, "do you like pancakes?"
Kathryn watched the endless tumbling of the asteroids and wondered just how her life had suddenly become one endless tumble over the last few days. She had cried like she had never cried before when she had left Chakotay with Seven. She had been so sure that Chakotay still carried some of that old love for her, but she had seen the way that he had looked at Seven, had seen the way he had asked Kathryn for her approval.
And she had given it. Even though it went against every grain of what her soul wanted, she had given it. He had been her closest, dearest friend for far too long not to. He had kept her sane when she had thought she was lost. She owed him that happiness.
Two of the asteroids collided and disappeared into a mist of dust and fragments. That just about sums my life up, Kathryn thought miserably.
Kathryn heard the sound of pots moving behind her and she turned ever so slightly to see who she thought it was.
"I didn't think anyone else stayed up this late?" she called to Neelix with a knowing smile.
Neelix returned he smile, and gave her the same answer he had given her every night for the past few nights.
"I wouldn't want you to have coffee all by yourself," he replied quietly, walking over to where she sat.
Kathryn looked at him and realised that he looked exactly like she felt. Lost.
"Have a seat. "
She gestured in front of her, watched as the Talaxian sat. He was a truly strange character, she thought. but a wonderful man. He had annoyed the hell out of her at times over the years, but Kathryn wondered just how much harder those years would have been without him. Kathryn couldn't calculate all the ways Neelix had contributed to the ship and the crew; there just wasn't a sheet of paper long enough. To see him now, so torn between his heart and his duty hurt Kathryn more than she could say. She knew what that was like, and she wouldn't have wished it on anyone.
"I've been thinking about something," Neelix finally said, as if he heard her thoughts, "It's a little hard to put into words. I haven't really made a decision yet, and of course I would never ignore my responsibilities on Voyager. "
"Of course not," Kathryn noted. This conversation was sounding very familiar.
"I take them very seriously," Neelix continued.
Kathryn saw the familiar tug of war going on between his mind and his heart that she had suffered almost daily now for seven years. Her fight between protocol and passion echoed so much in Neelix's debate between duty and desire. The thought of Neelix feeling as she did now, after all that he had done…
"I know you do," she finally replied, looking down at her coffee." I've been thinking about something, too. Maybe you could help me. "
"I'd be happy to," Neelix offered, and that was the problem Kathryn thought. Neelix was about to put aside his own thoughts, his own dreams to help her, yet again. It was time she paid a debt to this friend.
"It's an idea I'd need to talk to Starfleet Command about," Kathryn continued, trying desperately not to give into her selfish desire to keep him aboard.
"It must be important," Neelix noted.
"It is. Now that we've established two way communications with Earth, it seems to me Starfleet could use a permanent ambassador in the Delta quadrant. This ambassador would have to stay in frequent contact with Voyager," Kathryn waffled. She'd never had the idea before, but it seemed a good one, and now it would serve a purpose greater than Federation representation.
"Certainly," Neelix agreed, intrigue suddenly replaced by an inkling of understanding as to what the captain was saying, what she was offering.
" It would be difficult for me to run this ship without you, Neelix, but that might be a sacrifice I'd be willing to make," Kathryn forced the words out of her gradually tightening throat, and feeling the need to lighten the mood added with mock reverence, " … for the greater good of Starfleet."
Neelix smiled at her humour, seeing tears welling in his captain's eyes that matched the blurring vision that he shared.
"Of course, the assignment would be entirely voluntary," Kathryn offered. She looked up at him fully, watching for the same sign of hope in Neelix's face that she had so desperately hoped to see in Chakotay's face the other day.
"You wouldn't be interested, would you? "She asked.
Neelix felt a sudden swelling of love for this woman that made his decision all that harder. She had given him the chance to honour his commitment to her and the crew and also have the home that his heart had so often desired of late. He had found a peace with Dexa and Brax that he hadn't felt since he and Kes had first found a home aboard Voyager seven years ago. Despite the hard life that the Talaxians led on that asteroid compared to his life on Voyager, he had wanted so desperately to be part of it. But he owed the captain so much more than he could say for the chances that she had given him, the chances that she had given so many of his friends, like Tom and B'Elanna, the Doctor and Commander Chakotay. But maybe he could do more good for his friends by liaising with all those worlds they would cross in the coming months, smoothing their way.
He nodded ever so slightly. He'd take the job.
Kathryn watched as Neelix disappeared into the shimmer of the transporter, turned to see Tuvok, so uncommonly emotional, stare after the beam too. She watched as Chakotay reached down to take the sobbing Naomi up into his arms, watched as the little girl, despite being very mature for her young years, threw her arms round his neck and her legs round his waist and cried on his shoulder as she had done many times over the years. He had always been her favourite uncle, second only to the man that she had just lost. It had only ever been Neelix and Chakotay who were allowed to kiss better a scraped knee. Chakotay had been summoned often from the bridge in her early years to do just that.
Kathryn realised that for the young girl, it was the first time in her life that she had ever lost someone she was close to, even if this time it wasn't of the permanent variety. Still, if she could have spared her captain's assistant the pain, she would have. She looked to Chakotay; saw him looking at her sadly before he turned. With Seven, falling in to step with him, he carried Naomi home.
She watched Tuvok approach her.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
"No," Tuvok replied with an honesty of emotion that she had thought so strange for him that she furrowed her brow a little in concern.
"What's wrong?" she asked, putting her arm around her friend and up onto his shoulder.
"I believe that right now, despite all the conflicts we had in the past, I would do anything to have Mr Neelix back, "Tuvok's clipped tone informed her.
Kathryn smiled. She felt like her calm little world of the last few years was slowly falling apart. The children, her children, were all grown up. They were leaving home. First Kes had blossomed into more than anyone had ever expected possible of her, now Neelix; she, Tuvok and many others had watched him grow from scavenger to trusted friend and now Federation Ambassador.
She wondered now whether all those who really had no interest in getting home would soon begin to follow suit. Tom had turned from malcontent into a loving husband and soon to be father, a trusted member of her crew and one of the few people who understood what it was like to come from a Starfleet family. She wondered how often he and B'Elanna, herself a former terrorist and dropout, had dreamed of settling on some world where they could raise their daughter safely when she was born. She was sure there were others who felt the same way too, including, although it pained her to admit it, Chakotay and Seven.
Kathryn turned to slip her arm through Tuvok's and patted that arm gently.
"Me too," she smiled, as she led him from the transporter room.
On the small moon. Neelix watched Voyager streak into warp. It was the oddest sensation, watching the ship leave with out him on it.
" Thank you, Captain," he whispered as he turned to his family.
Now he finally knew peace. And he would do his damndest to ensure that his friends would one day find the same.