Chapter 3: Anxiety and Relief

A/N:

All recognizable characters are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended.

Record of Committal to Mississippi State Asylum

Date: August 1, 1937

Case #: 534 X-237

Subject: Mary Alice Brandon

Date of Birth: March 20, 1921

Consulting Doctor: Dr. Stephen Patton

Notes:

This is nearing the anniversary of Miss Brandon's second year here at the Asylum, and she shows some improvement over last year, the sensory deprivation seems to lessen the number of episodes and the electroshock therapy keeps her calm. She is beginning to demonstrate signs of memory loss, an unfortunate side effect of the electroshock treatment, though a small price to pay for a peaceful soul.

The one remaining recurring "vision" that Miss Brandon experiences centers around the mysterious "man with red eyes." One of our new orderlies, a man by the name of Don Jones, suffers from Albinism, a condition where he has no pigment in his skin, hair or eyes, causing them to appear red. He is a quiet man who works with the patients who are terminally ill, showing them great care and compassion in their remaining days. I have decided to enlist his assistance with Miss Brandon, to attempt to relieve her of her fear of men with red eyes.

When Mr. Jones was first introduced to the patient she exhibited extreme terror, and had to be restrained by two orderlies. He spoke softly to her, though as per my instructions he did not come close. She soon calmed and looked at him more closely. She repeated the following phrase several times: "You're not him." Satisfied with her progress, I sent Don away, though asked if he would be willing to return for future sessions. He agreed, and I am formulating a new regimen including sessions with Don interspersed with continued electroshock therapy and sensory deprivation.

It is the opinion of this doctor that we may be on the verge of a great breakthrough with Miss Brandon, and that she should remain committed in order to continue treatment.

Signed,

Dr. Stephen Patton

- 1942 - 1947 –

I began paying attention to the years, and the events. Dumbo was released in October of 1941, it was the first movie I went to see.

Pearl Harbor was attacked in December.

Things changed.

I was in the middle of a country at war. The humans surrounding me switched from worrying about material things to worrying about their brothers, sons, and husbands. We became a nation of industry as thousands of jobs opened in factories. I even took part, taking a job to sew uniforms for soldiers. I couldn't help but add small details and flare to the stitching, though I doubt anyone would have noticed. I wore denim trousers, rolled up the sleeves of my shirt and wrapped my short hair in a kerchief. Rosie the Riveter I was not, but I tried to look the part.

Few commented on my red eyes, and most avoided me, but they were so desperate for help that they overlooked my quirks. I finally had to stop when another girl accidentally pierced her finger and I very nearly ripped her head off. Luckily my visions were still with me and I left right before it happened, but the scent of blood still hung heavy in the air when I returned to my post.

I owed so much to Sonya. Several months after meeting her, I met a small coven of nomadic vampires, and I realized how different she was from the majority of our species. If I had met one of the others first, I probably would have avoided cities and humanity much longer. And I would have never discovered shopping.

Shopping still made my insides feel all funny, and in a very small way it filled the emptiness. Money was never a problem. I loved gambling almost as much as shopping. I even began to gamble in the bigger game: the stock market. It was uncommon for a woman to do that, but in those days it was easy to move around undetected, and hire others to do my investment for me.

There was another problem that was much harder solved. There were much fewer "stray" men in the cities those days, men and women would be missed because every able body was pressed in service either for the military or in industry. I was having trouble keeping a low profile while still living the life I loved, shopping and interacting with humans regularly, so I was forced to move around a lot more than I would have liked. It didn't help that I needed to eat more than I had when I was living in the forest in order to keep control of myself while surrounded by the masses at the race course or in the factory.

The real breakthrough came about two years after meeting Sonya. One day I was driving across country in my newly purchased car, a Ford Super Deluxe Convertible. It was one of the last cars off the assembly line before the government shut down all passenger car production in favor of vehicles for the army, and I loved the plush interior. Suddenly a vision hit me so forcefully I swerved off the road and into a ditch.

I saw a huge man with close cropped curly black hair seated at the edge of a dirt road with his head in his hands. Another man approached slowly, he was blond and slim and my insides twitched when I saw his golden eyes. "Emmett, come home." He said quietly.

"I can't Carlisle," the big man groaned, his voice muffled by his hands. "I've let you down, I've let you all down."

"Emmett, we all make mistakes," the blond man took a step forward and reached out to touch Emmett's shoulder, but he jerked away. Carlisle sighed and squatted down at his side.

"You've never made a mistake; ROSE has never made a mistake!" He sobbed miserably.

"Emmett, we are vampires. No matter how hard we try not to, killing people is what we are meant to do. And even though Rosalie has never imbibed human blood, you know she has taken human life. Edward has hunted humans, and even Esme has slipped, more than once, I might add."

"She just smelled SO good." Emmett sighed, "I've never smelled a human like that. I went hunting last night too… caught a nice big bear." He lifted his head and my insides twitched again at the sight of his matching golden eyes. No, not matching, his eyes had red eating away at the edges of the gold. "I don't know what came over me, I just had to have her."

Carlisle sighed and put his hand out again. This time Emmett didn't shy away and Carlisle laid his hand on the big man's shoulder. They sat quietly for a few breaths. "Come home, Emmett." Carlisle said again.

"Is… Is Rose really mad at me?" The big man seemed nervous.

"Of course not. She knows how hard it is. You are still very young in our world, and have shown amazing restraint until now. Rosalie is actually very worried about you. She doesn't want you to run away."

"Thank you Carlisle." Emmett gave the blond man a small smile. "I wasn't really going to run away, I just needed a bit of time."

"I know, son."

"I promise I'll stick to animals from now on!"

"Don't make a promise you can't keep… But I appreciate you continuing to try your hardest." Carlisle came to his feet and held out a hand to Emmett. "Come on, let's not let our wives wait any more for us."

The vision faded, but I felt stunned. I had NEVER had a vision that strong before. Most of my visions were images, like photographs, some were like watching a movie, but this was like I was actually there. I could smell the pine trees and hear the quiet of that back country road… all the animals hiding from the predators in their midst. I looked around. I was surrounded by an apple orchard, not pine trees, and a river on the other side of the orchard filled the air with the sound of rushing water. I sat in my car and mulled over what I had seen.

Vampires could live on animal blood alone?

The gold eyes also gave me pause. The face that hovered in the back of my mind didn't match that of Carlisle, though at first I thought it might, with the blond hair. But the eyes. The eyes were identical.

Gold eyes would attract less attention than red in this human centric life I was leading.

Another part of this made sense to me as well. I LIKED humans. Not in the same way that Sonya liked her men, of course, but I actually enjoyed the company. And I loved the things they made, like art, and movies, and clothing. Ah, clothing. It sometimes felt… well… wrong, to be feeding on the creatures that I enjoyed interacting with.

As I sat there, car still stuck in the ditch with dusk settling around me, a light breeze picked up and mingled with the scent of early apples was something else… something that made my inner predator rumble. A small herd of deer stepped cautiously into the other end of the grove, nibbling on the orchard grass. I wouldn't know if I could do this if I didn't try, I decided. I slipped silently out of the car, kicking off my heels. The wind was still in my favor and I stood stock still amongst the trees as they drew closer.

In a lightning fast move I sprung forward. The herd was a hair too far away and they bolted, springing off in different directions. I chased after the big buck, ignoring the rest. He dodged and weaved, but my visions kept me one step ahead. I laughed out loud. This was FUN! Much better than luring a drunk into an alleyway. Finally I put on an extra burst of speed, anticipating his sudden left turn and had his neck broken and jugular to my lips before he could even complete the turn.

His blood was hot, and while nowhere near as tasty as human, it was filling. I could do this.

I wasn't sure what to do with the body, but felt a bloodless deer in the middle of a field would attract unwanted attention. I ended up dragging it out of the orchard and uprooting one of the hedges to create a burial space. I replaced the hedge, stomped down the dirt a bit and shrugged. About as good as I could do on short notice. I walked back to the car, lifted it up onto the road, wincing at the mud splashed all up the right side and a big cut up the side. I'd have to get it washed and repaired the first chance I got.

I reached into one of my bags in the back seat and pulled out a hand mirror. The sun was completely gone now, but I could still see gold infusing the edges of my red irises. I smiled.

Now that I didn't have to decimate the human population, I tried to stay longer in one place. I chose Chicago for the bright lights and long dark winter months where I didn't have to hide in my room.

I made it a year before I couldn't take it anymore.

The empty hole in me just got bigger. Shopping wouldn't fill it. Winning money at the bookies didn't fill it. The demon riding my back whispered in my ear. I was missing something. A piece of me. I had to keep looking. So I kept moving for the next few years.

I had just packed the last of my bags into the back of the Ford, now neatly patched and repainted, when the vision hit me.

It was HIM. The face. This time attached to a body. A perfect body. Tall and lanky while still muscular. He stood very straight, army officer straight, but not stiff. Predatory. He had slightly wild honey-blonde hair that glowed in the muted light. I focused in on the face. This was the first time I had a real vision about it, and there was something different.

The eyes.

It wasn't just that they were as red as any other vampires, not gold, but that they looked… I didn't know, stressed? Scared? Sad. They looked sad. The eyes looked happy in the face that hovered in my mind at all times. Actually it was more than happy… the eyes showed love. Love.

Why didn't the man in my vision have gold loving eyes?

It hit me.

Because I wasn't there. I wasn't in the vision.

Yet.

I had to find him. To make him happy. To make ME happy.

I couldn't tell where his location was, no matter how hard I tried to broaden the vision. I gave up after a short while, and let the vision fade away. I was sad to lose the image, but I felt a renewed strength within me. I had purpose. The demon on my back wasn't driving me away from something, it was driving me towards something. I had to keep moving, searching my visions. I had to find him. I jumped in the car and tore off. I didn't have a direction, but I had hope.

I kept up a maniacal pace for three weeks. I hit every major city in the Midwest and was torn between heading to the east or west next. I pushed at my visions as hard as I could, but was only rewarded with tiny flashes. At one point I recognized Memphis and that made up my mind. I couldn't get there before he would leave, but at least it gave me a direction. East.

He was acting like any nomadic vampire. Staying on the fringes of society, feeding on the unwary. He was never in the same place for longer than it took to catch his meal and then he was on his way. He didn't stay in places I recognized, or visited common landmarks. I cursed at him under my breath. He wasn't making this easy. Even worse, he didn't seem to have a plan of where to go next, his wanderings were aimless… making my visions almost useless.

Finally I realized my problem. HIS future wasn't set… but maybe MINE was…

I was in Boston at the time and I found an out of the way spot to park my car. I took several deep breaths, a habit I picked up from hanging around humans, and closed my eyes. Relax. I ordered myself.

The vision slowly came into focus, like a movie reel, though it got steadily clearer until it was the same vivid strength as the vision of Emmett and Carlisle. I could smell the stale coffee and pie, and hear the waitress taking orders from the two patrons down the counter. My legs hung over the edge of the vinyl padded stool, feet dangling above the footrest. My hands were clasped at my heart, my back to the edge of the counter. I was staring at the street through the plate glass window. I could make out the name of the place, painted in gaudy red and white trim on the window, backwards to me. "Suzie's Diner." Underneath it, in black script was painted: "Best Cheese Steaks in Philly."

There was a man out on the street. He paused at the street corner, before walking to the door. He pushed it open, causing the little bell hung above to jingle. I slid off my stool lightly to the ground.

His blonde hair framed his face, lit from the street behind like a halo of light. His red eyes, still sad, looked startled as I approached. There you are.

"I've been waiting for you for a long time." My vision self said.

The vision faded.

I shook myself as the sights and sounds of Boston gradually overcame those of the vision. I had more than a purpose now, I had a destination.

Philadelphia.