Irwin was used to Mandy.
He was used to her violent, evil, vicious, controlling ways. He was used to her lying to him, berating him, demeaning him, ignoring him and otherwise treating him like dirt. He was accustomed to her glares, the way her almond shaped eyes could narrow to a slit in a second flat. The raw anger she radiated could make his heart flutter at a distance. Her low, gravelly tone of voice when she was mad could make his breath stall if she only spoke a single word in that voice. Mandy's very presence was a comfortingly unsettling experience.
Except for right now.
Right now, with a gun aimed squarely at his chest, she looked like hell incarnate. Her eyes were not slits, merely empty, hollow half circles that pierced him as her emotionless gaze drifted from him to Parnassus and back. If she was aware of the other students all around her who were stopping and panicking, of the stares she was receiving, or of the shouts for the Safety Patrol, she did not show it. This was not the Mandy Irwin was used to. This was something entirely different, devoid of everything that made her herself.
The two boys dared not move, for fear she might shoot. They weren't stupid. They knew they couldn't outrun a bullet. Her reputation alone meant that there was no way she wouldn't shoot them. She was cold as ice when everything was going right for her. Having freshly suffered a loss, she was quite possibly the most lethal person on campus right now. Unaware of the cold and snow, she locked eyes with Irwin and placed her finger tight around the trigger.
"You." She said it with more hatred than any other word. "You killed him."
Irwin felt all the blood drain out of his face. She knew. It didn't matter how impossible it was for her to know. She just knew. She was Mandy, a genius, a thinker, a dreamer. She knew exactly what had happened. This was the part of his dream where she would come up to him, kiss him and thank him. Except that, as the frigid wind howled, he realized it wasn't a dream. Mandy was not thanking him. She was not smiling. More than she had ever been in her life, she was gripped with a cold rage that made her hate him so intensely he felt hot even in the snowfall.
"I- I did it for you!" he blurted out. "I just wanted you to love me!"
Mandy gazed at him coldly, expression blank. "Why would I love a murderer, Irwin?"
He fumbled for his words. "I just thought – he was such a retard – you were always so alone – without him, I mean… Mindy said it would work! She said that you would have her for a friend and we could've been together for once! You and me could have been together!"
"Oh, I doubt that," Fillmore's cool voice cut across the silence as he held up a tape recorder triumphantly. "Unless she comes to visit you in jail, that is." Turning to Mandy, he added softly, "You can put the gun down now. It's over."
Mandy made no such move to do so. "Grim called you, didn't he?"
"He was worried you were going to do something you'd regret. And you're about to, unless you put that down."
"Why should I?" she asked, her voice starting to crack even as her expression stayed hollow. "After what he did to me, why should I let him go?"
Mandy realized that her hands were shaking. Actually, all of her was, in a tidal wave of feelings she didn't know she had. She had almost killed Billy herself, but she had held back. She had almost sent Grim after them all. She was just as bad as all of these people she wanted in prison. She was just like they said she was. Cold, cruel, unloving, unfeeling, without remorse. She should just shoot Irwin and let herself be locked away where she couldn't do any harm. She should just shoot herself and forget this whole thing ever happened.
In her sleeveless hoodie, her bare arms were rosy pink. Her cheeks were flushed. Her hair and clothes were dripping wet, now partially frozen and stiff. The perfectly annoyed scowl she wore had slipped away into what could only be called a heartbroken look. For the first time in her entire life, there was no Billy to say something stupid and distract her. Even when it came to his own demise he had inadvertently talked her out of it. He could do that. One word or hug and he could shake her out of this pain, out of this emptiness. If Billy were here she would drop the gun and life would go on. If Billy were here she wouldn't be shaking. But Billy wasn't here.
And now, he never would be.
Mandy didn't realize she was crying, that big, hot tears were pouring down her face for the first time since she was two. She didn't even mean to speak. The words just tumbled out, the first heartfelt and honest thing she had said in her entire life to Irwin. Her voice was no longer the familiar vicious, cutting knife it had once been. Instead, it was quiet, raspy, pained, breaking, faltering – everything Mandy had never been before.
"So you think he was just a retard, huh? That he wasn't worth anything?" her eyes bore into his. Fillmore, the gun and the case were forgotten to her in that moment. "Billy was retarded and he did do stupid things. He was a moron and he could never understand anything that I talk about like you do. But," and here her voice cracked for an instant before she regained composure, "But he loved me, with all his heart. He never hurt me like you did. He wouldn't even think of it. He was too stupid and selfless. You're right, he was dumb. And I loved him for it! I needed it! I loved him!"
With that last word, she abruptly turned the gun towards her own head, and took several deep, shuddering breaths. Tears were streaming down her cheeks. This was not the stoic sociopath Fillmore had met in the interrogation room. This was not the manipulating witch Irwin knew. This was a broken girl, one who was too damaged to care about appearances and airs anymore. The old Mandy would never even consider crying or speaking about her feelings at all, let alone do both in public. But the old Mandy had Billy. She was complete. Now she was nothing. Hanging her head, sobbing quietly, she slowly lowered the gun before letting it drop. Without any warning, she crumpled to the ground, crying into her hands.
By the time the Safety Patrollers had taken Irwin and Parnassus into custody, Mandy had ceased crying. She had resumed a blank, dull, listless expression. She did not respond when spoken to, and had to be helped to her feet. In truth her revelation had stunned even her. All she could think was that it was all too little too late as they forced her inside and wrapped a blanket around her. Sopping wet, she sat staring at the floor for what seemed to be a nightmarish eternity. The world seemed so empty now. There was no one to tell her lame jokes or giggle for no reason at here. There was no overbearing hug from her best friend. There was nothing at all.
The whole of the information was presented to the police. They would look over it and made their decision later. For now Mandy was expected to go home. She couldn't move. Her legs felt like lead weights. Was this what it was like, feeling things? If so she now realized why she had worked so hard to shut everything off. She had built up her walls to keep this from happening. But while she had kept everyone at bay intellectually, Billy had wormed his way into her heart and, with his death, shattered what was left of it. She felt that she should berate someone, make her usual snide remarks, do something, but she found herself powerless to do so.
Fillmore sat down beside her, placing a heavy hand on her shoulder. Weakly, she met his eyes, and he smiled, speaking the two words she needed to hear the most.
"It's over."
And with that, she found the strength to get up and leave, what was left of her logical mind interpreting that statement as an order. Stumbling to the car, where she sat motionless as they drove home, Mandy couldn't help but feel something was changing within her. For the better or worse, she didn't know. With so much deceit and so many lies hanging all around her, and her own deepest secret now out in the open, she was unable to think. Everything seemed to blend together into a big mess she could no longer make sense of as she laid her head down on the seat, thoughts a tornado in her ears.
By the time they reached the house, she was fast asleep, and for the first time in years her father carried her up to her room, where she laid as if dead.
Which was fitting, since deep inside, she was.
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Fillmore was filing paperwork when Mandy stepped into the office.
She looked as if she was caught somewhere in between her old self and her crying, numb personality. Her hair was a mess, her appearance otherwise pristine, but her eyes were uncertain and half narrowed. Her arms were wrapped in bandages to help heal the partial frostbite she had obtained the night of Billy's death, and she had dark rings under her eyes. Fillmore rose to greet her, only to be startled when she took his hand, led him out into the hall, shut the door, and turned to him.
"I want to be a Safety Patroller." She said firmly.
Fillmore's jaw dropped. "You? But why? We already got Irwin and Mindy sent to juvie hall. I figured you would be back to your old life in Endsville by now."
She shook her head. In the month since Billy's death, she had become more white than blonde, and somehow it made her look more powerful than she had when she had been pristine. For a moment Fillmore wondered if she would wheedle her way onto the force with the same cold determination she had first had when interrogated. Then, when she met his eyes, he realized that that part of her was dead and long gone. What he saw when he looked at her was someone unrecognizable.
"I was just like them. I was evil. I've always been evil. I don't know why, and I don't know if I can change. But Fillmore, Parnassus is still out there. He's still helping people commit horrible crimes and getting paid for it by scum like Mindy." She looked away for a long moment. "I considered getting back at him in ways no one could ever trace to me. I could kill him if I thought it would solve anything. It wouldn't, though. It would just make me as low as he is. I don't know if I can ever rise above his level, Officer. I just want to have a chance to try. A chance to try to bring him down, and a chance to be the person Billy always wanted me to be."
She held out a hand to him. "Do we have a deal? I'll need an Officer's recommendation to get on the Force."
Fillmore chortled, and drew the surprised girl in for a quick hug. "Girl, as far as I'm concerned you have my recommendation, my badge and my sash if you need them."
The old Mandy would have slugged him, snapped at him, or yelled at him. The old Mandy would not be pleased. But the old Mandy would not be here asking for this job at all. This was the new Mandy, who wanted to become someone completely unlike that cruel, cold, unfeeling girl he'd met a month ago. The only part of her that was the same was her willpower. If anyone could force themselves to change, it would be her. Even so, for a moment, Mandy felt a flicker of her old self threaten to emerge. The sinister urge to react violently, which she suspected would never leave her, nagged at her mind. She countered it by smiling back at Fillmore, the way Billy would've wanted to. The way Billy used to beg her to.
And although she couldn't go back in time and smile for him, somehow she felt this was just as good.
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Author's Note: Aaaand that's it, folks. My mom talked me out of my original idea for the ending – which just would've been Mandy shooting herself. (I still think that would've been a bit more of a Mandy-ish thing to do, but hey, Mandy's heel face turn is character development, and that's always good.) Let me know what you thought. Advice, compliments and critiques are always welcome.