Title: Waking Up

Part Two

Author: Red Kasei

Fandom: Pokemon

Rating: T

Warning: yaoi and swearing

Pairings: Shishi (Shigeru/Satoshi) or Gary/Ash

He had never felt so guilty before in his life. He hadn't meant to make his rival hurt like that. But he hadn't known. He supposed he could have questioned why Ash had such a change in attitude as opposed to his constant optimistic and openly happy nature, but he knew he wouldn't have answered him. So, he couldn't ask and he wouldn't have been given a decent answer due to the sensitivity of the matter. This put them at a stalemate.

He supposed he would have pissed off and made Ash snap at some point, but he didn't think he'd actually hit a particularly painful spot. Gary could sympathize that if his Umbreon died in the same manner of protecting him and he had seen it happen, no doubt he would also be traumatized and want nothing more than to keep all pity and useless 'I'm sorry's at a distance.

Gary had never felt this guilty before. Well, not since he had been cruel and verbally abusive to Ash to chase him away, but that had been fleeting and it was done to cover up his secret. Ash was still something of a friend despite being a rival first and foremost and Gary felt that he owed him a lot more than snide comments and a bad attitude. So he was going to apologize to Ash.

But three weeks later and he found that his guilt was wearing away to frustration. Ash was avoiding him. It was to be expected; after all, he made him cry and hurt him in a way he hadn't done so before (at least, not since Ash was seven). It was only fair that he should keep him away as punishment. But he had been ignoring Gary, and despite knowing he deserved as much, he hated being ignored.

Especially by Ash Ketchum.

It didn't help his temper when the pokemon he was working with refused to co-operate with him. Obviously, Ash had told them his mournful story and everything that had happened and now they were making sure Gary suffered. The Swinub were plenty more active and ran around like there was a fire somewhere, wasting four days of attempt at research. The Snorlax and Skitty seemed to be in cahoots with each other, as any attempt on finding what food the Skitty were more partial to were eaten by the Snorlax (Gary was still wondering how he and his grandfather had missed five, huge lumbering pokemon strolling into the labs)!

And if Squall hadn't liked him before, he really had it in for him, now. He wouldn't sabotage his research like all the other pokemon did, but it was still bad on Gary's behalf. There was something very creepy about opening the bathroom cabinet to get out the shaving cream, only to close the door and see the Pichu staring right back at him in the mirror. Not to mention closing his eyes while he was relaxing in the bath, only to open them because he had this suspicious feeling he was being watched and finding Squall sitting in the tub with him; cheeks sparking.

So, he had more than one motive for finding Ash and apologizing. The most important was because he felt terrible for being such an asshole, but he also wanted the pokemon to stop acting out.

And hopefully to get Squall the hell away from him! That thing was evil!

But three weeks and he hadn't gotten anything. He had tried leaving post-it notes with his apology stuck on Ash's door (and wherever else he felt the boy would look), only to watch as it was ripped off and crumpled into a ball; unread. He had tried to do little nice things, like cleaning up after himself or making a sandwich for the boy when he was swamped with work, but he had been promptly ignored and his Samaritan deeds went unnoticed.

And it was frustrating beyond belief!

That Monday morning Ash had reminded Professor Oak that he was taking the day off. Gary had been surprised, but Tracy warmly wished him a relaxing day. Ash hadn't had a day off since he arrived. There went his attempts at making it up to him again.

By the time lunch rolled around, Gary was feeling incredibly angry. Sure, there was no reason for Ash to tell him about his day off and what he planned on doing, but he still felt mad for being ignored. He had been his oldest friend! Ash Ketchum never behaved like this with anyone and despite the voice in the back of his head reminding him he deserved it, he still felt pissed for being treated the way he was. Hadn't he been making an effort? Didn't anyone see that?

"Gary?"

He jumped, his grandfather's voice pulling him out of his furious thoughts.

"Oh! Hey, gramps."

"Just what are you thinking about?"

"Huh?"

"You had this really ugly look on your face for a second. Like you were planning on hurting someone."

He flushed, a little ashamed.

"It…it's nothing like that, gramps."

"Aah."

Professor Oak toddled over to the chair directly opposite the one Gary was seated in. Gary tried to ignore him, attempting to read his notes on what he suspected put people to sleep when a Jigglypuff sang and why, when they were just entertaining, did it not happen. But the moments stretched on and the silence grew somewhat oppressive. His arms felt like they were wet noodles and he suspected something bad was coming.

"I heard what happened with Ash."

His heart started thudding.

"It…I…I didn't know," he said. He was sorry, despite being pissed at being ignored.

"I know," he said, surprising his grandson. "That's why I don't blame you. Though, you must admit, you should have known your teasing would have had some similar effect one day. You did it so often and so callously I was always pleasantly surprised when Ash had something nice to say about you. Maybe a bit grudgingly, but it was still a compliment of some sorts."

His feelings were becoming like a layered dessert; guilt at the bottom and anger being lathered on top.

"Look, it was stupid of me…"

"Of course it was," he admonished. "You're nineteen years old! You're going to be twenty soon! And you still treat him as badly as you did that Valentines Day." Gary winced and it wasn't hidden. "I thought you would have grown up and out of that childish phase. I don't even know what inspired your sudden change of heart when you two told everyone your plans of becoming Pokemon Masters and traveling together."

"I…we…"

"But you hurt him then, Gary. You made that poor boy cry. I could overlook it when you were ten because you were nearing your teenage years and I expected changes. But now…now you are a young man who is experienced and should know better. If you are jealous because he's a Pokemon Master, then I can understand. But reverting back into a nasty, complicated ten year old…really, Gary. I thought you were raised better than that."

He could find nothing to say to that. His head hurt slightly and he felt as though he had let a lot of people down by being nasty and selfish. Instead of protecting them, he had been hurting.

"Looks, gramps, I know why I did what I did when I was a kid," he said softly. "Thinking back on it, I could have handled it a lot better but, hey, I was a kid and I just did what I thought was right.

"And, yes, you're right, I should know better and I am slightly jealous that Ash is the Pokemon Master, but that's only because he's gone and fulfilled his dreams while I'm still stumbling through mine. And he's only sixteen! You can't blame me for that."

"You're right. I can't. But I still don't understand why you were horrible to him as you were when you were children."

"It's a habit, gramps."

"A very bad habit."

"Yeah." He wasn't going to deny it.

"But I have seen you attempting to apologize."

Gary whipped his head up, amazed that someone had noticed.

"Yeah, but Ash won't even look at me, let alone the notes I send."

"Well, maybe you should stop being so passive."

"Huh?"

"Come now, Gary. You spend months actively teasing the boy and now you just sit back, sending little notes and doing miniscule things as though that will heal everything? It doesn't appear like much of an apology when you purposely went out of your way to put a little misery into his life."

"Thanks, gramps," he growled. But the message got across. "So, you're saying I should be actually go out and apologize to his face?"

"It wouldn't be a proper one if you didn't. Sending little gifts is similar to saying you're sorry. Except because you're not there and saying it, it seems more like you're sorry but you're not going to stop being rude. Saying it directly to someone allows them to see for themselves just how badly you feel and that you do mean it."

Gary nodded, understanding dawning in his eyes.

"Okay. I understand now, gramps." He smiled. "Thanks."

He received a warm smile in return and he felt his heart lighten a bit.

"No problem, Gary. I just want to see you two get along."

He shifted off the chair and started to hobble to the door when he suddenly stopped.

"Oh, and just out of curiosity; what made you suddenly change your attitude that Valentines Day?"

Gary's eyes widened and his heart plummeted back down.

"I…erm…I can't…remember. I'm sure it was something stupid, though." But his tone wasn't convincing. Thankfully, Professor Oak just smiled and let it go, hobbling out the door.

Though he was grateful for the help, it didn't help his nerves in the slightest. That, and coupled with his reminder of his blunder on Valentines Day…he wasn't sure he could go through with it!

'No, Gary!' he mentally chided. 'You know what happened on Valentines Day and you know you were rude and horrible because you were a coward! Yeah, you were scared, but you chickened out and look what happened. You lost a good friend. You could have always gone back and said you were sorry, but you didn't because you were a fucking coward! And you lived in regret with that one, didn't you? Yeah, it hurt to see him getting along with other people and making better friends, didn't it? And you knew you could have always just apologized and he would have instantly taken you back into his life and made you his number one priority again. You knew that. But you didn't because you were a fucking chicken. And now you're an adult and still pulling this crap?'

It was true; he didn't deserve Ash's attentions. He was getting all that he deserved, especially seeing as he royally screwed things up between them. But he was still scared. In truth, what did it boil down to? Which was he more scared of? Was he scared of apologizing and being belittled, something he knew he had coming to him. Or was he more scared of losing any resemblance of a relationship with that little boy who had doted so much time and attention to him?

He shuddered violently at the thought. He had been horrified to find out that Ash had almost died, as it just seemed so impossible that the boy could just disappear from his life like that. But to imagine his old friend, that sweet raven-haired boy ignoring him as though he never put plasters on Gary's scrapes and ignored his own, as though he had never shared any of his candy with him because he was his best friend…that hurt and scared him a lot more than facing a scathing tongue lashing for his belated personal apology.

Gary needed him in his life. He had always been there. He had screwed things up once because he was stupid, but now he knew better and if he didn't want to lose what little he had left, then he would have to suck up his pride and take whatever Ash threw at him. It was going to be a lot, if he thought back on the years of horrible things he had said, but he deserved it.

Ash deserved it.

He had ignored his work for the day in favor of working to make a good and sincere apology to Ash. He bought flowers and ordered expensive take out and had even bought a bag of finest blend coffee. It was the one new thing about Ash he hadn't commented on because he found it rather endearing. His Ash was a caffeine addict and couldn't manage the day without a cup in the morning. He knew they were little things and couldn't possibly make up for the damage he had done, but he hoped they would at least get his foot in the door.

By seven 'o clock he was waiting in Ash's room. He couldn't knock because he wouldn't let him in, so he had to wait for him. His leg bounced uncontrollably in anxiety, but he remained seated at the desk. He was going to apologize and he wasn't going to leave until Ash had heard it.

Fortunately, or un-, he didn't have to wait long. Ten minutes later, Ash strolled into the room, completely unaware of the man seated at his desk. However, when Squall trotted in after, he instantly hissed and started sparking. Ash jumped and turned to face the intruder, eyes widening when he noticed it was Gary.

"What do you want?" he snapped.

"Look, Ash," he started, slowly getting up. Both pokemon and trainer were a little high strung on finding someone in their room, so he decided not to make any sudden movements. "I just wanted to talk."

Onyx eyes stared at him for a moment before they relaxed a little.

"About what?"

Gary's shoulders slumped a little in relief. At least he was waiting to hear him out before throwing him out. That was a good sign.

"Well, about what happened that morning? You know; the one a few weeks ago?"

"What about it?"

He sighed.

"Look, I know you won't believe me when I tell you I'm sorry," he quickly brought up a hand when Ash opened his mouth. "And I understand! I do. I mean, I've been a complete ass since I arrived I think that even I would have a hard time believing me if I was in your shoes." Ash nodded, arms crossed and posture tense, but he was still listening. "But I really am sorry. I didn't know about what happened before. I mean, I should have been a lot nicer seeing as we're now older and all, but…I don't know. I guess I was so jealous of you that I ignored the changes."

"Changes? What changes?"

"Well, little things, you know? Things like you'll actually swear and throw things at me rather than take the bait," Ash gave a tiny smile and Gary felt his heart lighten. "Things like that. I mean, cooking and coffee I just gathered you acquired as you grew up, and I figured becoming an assistant and doing something other than training was just one of your things. You always liked to help out, so this seemed like nothing."

Gary swallowed hard. His mouth felt he had been sucking on cotton wool and his legs refused to stop quivering. He hadn't made a formal and sincere apology to anyone since he had thrown a rock at Ash's head. He really had felt bad about that.

"Gary, get to the point."

Obviously Ash was as uncomfortable with the situation as he was.

"Ash…what I'm trying to say is…I-I-I'm…" he swallowed hard. "I'm really sorry. From the bottom of my heart. I mean, I know how much you loved Pikachu and how fantastic you were as a team. I always used to envy you because you had that special connection with him that I made no effort to make. Only after the Indigo League did I think seriously about it and that's only when Umbreon and I bonded. You and he were bonded right from the beginning, and saying what I did was cruel!

"Ash, I really am sorry. I didn't know what had happened and if I did I'd be admiring you, instead. You're strong enough to go on and move, even if it still hurts. If it were me or anyone else I know; I'd be locked up tight away from the rest of the world because I wouldn't be able to handle it!

"Truly, Ash, I'm sorry. I know it's a lot to ask you to forgive me and I'll go down on my hands and knees and even lay flat on the floor if I have to, but…will you ever forgive me?"

The words had just come tumbling out. Gary never knew he could speak so honestly like that and was amazed at even though how messy the words were strung together they still carried his raw sincerity.

All throughout his outburst, he watched as Ash's pretty eyes went from hard onyx to soft, glittering pools of ink. His posture had gone from firm and stiff to slumped in defeat and Gary could see the exhaustion in his body. He really looked like someone who had been trying to move on, but could only hide how he really felt. He was obviously devastated, and Gary felt guilty that his words had reopened those wounds Ash has been trying to heal.

"Oh, Gary," he sniffled. "You big idiot! Of course I forgive you!"

"Y-you do?"

"If you didn't know, how can I stay mad at you? You really didn't know." He sniffled some more, making his way to the bed to sit down. Gary inched close until he was a couple of steps away.

"I didn't. If I did…"

"I know, Gary. And if Pikachu were still…" he choked and paused to pull himself together. "If he were still alive, your taunts and words would mean nothing because that's just what you do. You've always been that way."

'Not always,' he thought, very ashamed of himself. "But you've come a long way. You're dealing with it better than I know anyone could."

A dark chuckle broke through the quiet.

"I'm not." He admitted. "I may look it, but I'm really not."

"How so?" he dared to ask.

"I just keep myself busy. If I keep myself busy, then I won't think about it. But," he sighed, allowing Squall to leap into his lap and nuzzle and croon sympathetically into his belly. "It can't be helped at night. I've got sleep to recover from the busy day, and I know that. But I hate sleeping because I always see it happening." He shuddered. "I always see Cassidy throwing the bomb, laughing. I always see Team Rocket's look of horror and when I look down…"

He choked, this time bringing up a hand to cover his mouth. Fat tears sprung from his eyes and dropped to his jeans and Gary was by his side in and instant.

"You don't have to…"

"…there's blood. Just…everywhere! I can't move because my left side was hit and when I look down I see the bone of my ribs with bits of shrapnel and blood and torn flesh. But when I look at Pikachu…" the tears rolled faster and Gary put his arm around him. Even Squall started to whine in a pleading manner. "H-he's completely d-d-dismembered! His body is blown apart and all his intestines are everywhere and his arms are bent at odd angles and his head…his head is right in front of me, and it's dead." The tears rolled down his cheeks and he started sobbing. "He's dead!"

Gary pulled Ash against him, cradling his head in his neck and rubbing his back, making soothing noises. Squall even nuzzled into his chest, making noises that were a mixture between an anxious whine and a soothing croon. Ash's body shook with the intensity of his sobs and Gary couldn't help the fresh wave of guilt from crashing on him again. It didn't matter that he hadn't known; he felt terrible for not seeing this in the first place. Ash had once been his friend, and even when they were rivals competing to get into the Indigo League, he could read the younger boy like a book. To not be able to see the hurt; to see that something was wrong with the first different reaction…he was ashamed to have believed he had any kind of relationship with the boy.

He wasn't sure how much time had passed since the boy collapsed into fitful sobs, but it had gotten dark. Squall had gone to turn on the lights, but Gary had stopped him, opting rather to pull Ash fully on the bed and lay with the exhausted boy. He had fallen asleep as soon as his cry was over, but Gary didn't have the heart to wake him. Squall seemed to agree, as he didn't even hiss when he was told not to turn on the lights. He just jumped back and curled in between the two trainers, nuzzling his nose into Ash's shirt.

It was only a little while later that Gary started to feel uncomfortable. He had never believed he would ever be this close with his best friend again, and he wasn't sure whether he should be pleased with it or worried. Ash's petit body fitted so nicely against his, even with the Pichu between them, and the constant rubbing of his shoulder allowed him to feel the baby soft skin of his arm. He was very tempted to slide away and out the room, but his conscious held him down.

'Oh no! You're not running away this time! He really needs you now, so grow a pair, grow the hell up and stop acting like a fucking coward!'

"Hmm?" Gary jerked, looking down to where the voice came from. "Gary?"

"Hey, buddy," he said softly. "How did you sleep?"

"Okay, surprisingly."

"Oh."

Gary's fingers, against his will, started running through Ash's hair. He repressed a shudder, but couldn't suppress the voice that said it felt like it had all those years ago; soft, silky and all Ash Ketchum.

"Were you here the whole time?"

"Yup. I didn't want to leave you after what happened. It seemed kinda…rude."

"You could've, if you wanted."

"I didn't want to."

"Okay." He shuffled closer and gave him a hug. "Thank you."

Gary's heart was now pounding in his chest and the noise of the blood was thundering in his ears.

"You're welcome."

"Hey? Gary?"

"Yeah?"

"You don't think I need to go to a therapist, do you?"

"I think," he said carefully. "You should do what you believe is best for you. Not that I'm saying you should, but why don't you want to see a therapist?"

"Because I don't want to be treated like some patient with an illness. I'm sad because I lost my best friend. I hurt inside and someone telling that 'it's okay' won't make a difference because it's not. I hurt inside."

"Okay, I understand, but why doesn't any of your other friends know? I mean, like the red head from Cerulean and that guy from Pewter who always took care of you?"

"I don't want their pity." He said, snuggling into Gary. "They'll also dance around me and treat me differently and I don't want that. I know it's selfish, but I really don't want them to come around every week with some gift as though my scar is potentially life threatening. I've already gotten through that."

Gary nodded, mentally storing the information about the scar and decided to ask about it at a later stage.

"Okay, now I get it. But," he paused. "Look, I may be shooting myself in the foot, but if you didn't tell them, then why did you tell me?"

He sighed.

"I don't know. I guess it's because you treated me the same way when you got back, you know?" he looked up at him and Gary could see the white of his eyes shining from the lights in the backyard. "Even though I felt miserable and you often made me want to sneak into your room and gut you with a teaspoon, it was normal. You carried on as though nothing had changed and I liked that.

"But…I guess I told you also because I knew you wouldn't gush with sympathies. You'd listen and all, but you wouldn't baby me, you know?"

"How can I? After hearing about all that you've been through and remembering how strong you were throughout my nastiness; I don't think there's any reason for me to baby you!"

Ash giggled and laid his head back on Gary's chest.

"Hey, Gary?"

"Yeah?"

"Do…you think we can be friends again?"

Gary blinked.

"Huh? I thought we were."

"I mean, before…before that happened."

Gary blinked once. He blinked twice. Then it struck him and his mouth formed an 'o' and he looked away in shame. If Ash called it 'that' then it was obvious what he had done had seriously hurt the boy. Guilt welled up in his belly again before he was brought back to Ash on his chest.

"You still think about that, huh?"

"Not really. I just know that's when things changed." He shuffled. "Okay, so maybe I do think about it a bit, but only because I often wished I knew what I did wrong so I could find a way to fix it."

"Ash, it wasn't you," he confessed. "I said…and did…some really bad things to you and I did it for a selfish reason. It had nothing to do with you, so you couldn't fix it. Really, that was entirely my fault."

"Still, surely there was something I could have said or done…"

"You would have made it worse." He said with a shake of his head. "Believe you me, there was just something about you that drove me wild and I guess my teenage hormones got the best of me." His conscious, the malicious bastard, sniggered. 'Pun intended.'

"You mean, like you thought because you were older you were better?"

"Something like that. I can't remember exactly what because it's so stupid."

He felt him nodding against his chest.

"But, can we go back to before them? When we were really good friends?"

"It bothered you that much?"

"I missed you, Gary."

His heart both exploded with joy and broke with that little sentence, and even though he knew it was a bad idea he found he couldn't say no. He couldn't deny that sweet little angel of the one little thing he desired most.

"Of course, Ash," he said, kissing his forehead. "I've grown up now. I'm not going to do anything stupid or selfish like that again."

He knew he couldn't promise, not when Ash 'squeed' like he did and threw himself happily onto Gary's larger body, but he would try. Even if it killed him, he was going to try.

Red: I love torturing the semes ^u^