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Chapter Six: Looking Back

Hinamori Momo had always smiled at him with that gentle smile, but it was only with the affection she'd show a friend or a family member. He had thought it would be okay and that it would be no big deal, until he realized the different way she acted around her company captain.

Around Aizen, it was always a little different with her. She still smiled and acted in that shy and delicate way, but her adoration and obsession for him was obvious in her voice, the eager way she responded to everything he said. And how her eyes sparkled at his quiet laugh and all that.

It drove Hitsugaya crazy.

Always "Aizen-sama this" and "Aizen-sama that"… as if it wasn't already killing him inside slowly and tearing him apart by just watching the childhood friend he had fallen for.

But then Aizen played a cruel trick on them all. Every single one of them. Even his ever faithful devoted assistant captain.

His body hanging on that wall, the sword spearing it through, the blank dull stare of his brown eyes, the blood trailing down the white building, staining Soul Society forever. The death of the Aizen Sosuke they thought they all knew.

And she hurt the most out of all of them. Hinamori cried the most, and was the one to discover her beloved's murdered corpse. She was inconsolable and wouldn't see anyone, nor talk to anyone, not even Hitsugaya. She didn't seem to really recover.

And then… Hinamori chose to believe that Hitsugaya had killed Aizen, thus chasing after him to exact revenge and kill him.

Then… He returned. Aizen. He revealed to his wide-eyed futaichou and then the rest of Soul Society the terrifying plan he'd been carrying out for the past years. Everything he had told him, everything they knew about him, a lie.

And he stabbed Momo Hinamori, who then fell into a coma.

Ah, but that's not all…

Even with Hitsugaya's long suffering worry and care for her, she told him- her eyes and voice still full of love for that bastard Aizen, she told him that she forgave Aizen. She asked him not to hurt him, not to kill him even for all the crap he'd put them all through. And it was so friggin' sickly sweet with love she spoke of him.

Hitsugaya might as well have killed himself that night.

---

He stood where he always stood, his back to the window, and the breeze from the open windows making the curtains in the room billow slightly. He wore his shihakusho, so that nobody else would be able to see him, not that there should be anyone awake in Karakura at this time.

Hitsugaya's icy blue eyes gazed at the sleeping form in front of him. The faint moonlight from outside slipped in from the window and cast an eerie light over part of the room. He smiled bitterly to himself.

Over the time he had been here, this last week or so… perhaps… he had recovered a little. Maybe… after all the hurt and suffering, after he'd bit his lip and shut himself off obsessively, to the point of not speaking to even Matsumoto… all that time and effort spent to secretly hide and nurse his wounds, even though they seemed like they wouldn't heal… all the time spent covering them and layering more and more bandages tightly over himself, around and around so that his hurt and pain would never be revealed or seen again.

Even though… he knew that if he never removed those invisible bandages, he'd never be able to heal.

Even so… it was not his intention to let go of any of this suffering, but somehow, somewhere in his heart, it was lighter, less burdened, however little it may be, and he knew there was something that had been lifted.

And yet…

Hitsugaya watched the black-haired girl sleeping, her breathing light. He hardened his eyes.

Somewhere else in his heart, it was still hurting, perhaps more than before. Like although he had found some kind of relief, some kind of recovery, it could only be temporary. And over time… maybe the weight still buried inside him would collapse and tear him apart, no matter how hard he tried to hold it in and cover it up… maybe… even after all these good little signs and hope… he would still break down.

Perhaps… he was unable to tear his eyes from her face. Perhaps he should leave.

But instead, Hitsugaya sighed sank onto the floor, in the space between her bed and the wall. He was weary, but not actually physically tired. He was brain-dead, but the thoughts continued to move through his head.

I shouldn't… keep doing this, he had told himself over and over. Why had he done this? Why did he so enjoy standing here, or sitting, right here in Karin Kurosaki's room, watching the young girl sleep?

He… should feel guilty. Because… all along… yes, all along, the only reason he started doing this every night…!! It was just because…

It was what he used to do with Momo.

Because she was comatose and unconscious, he spent… so much time just standing there watching that girl, despite how much his division was suffering under his depression. Why… why was he still letting himself do this? Stand there and watch someone who will never raise her head and look back at him.

Hitsugaya gritted his teeth in his thoughts. Just doing this… was only meant to multiply his pain. He was that kind of twisted depressed person who wanted to stand there and soak in his misery. That was who he was.

Karin stirred in her sleep and turned, so that now she was facing him. Hitsugaya stared at her and found a pang in his heart, somehow staring at her, with this… emotion bursting forward in his heart. He couldn't help it. He smiled.

He really, truly smiled, even though the pain was so, so visible on his lips. He smiled, his mouth stretched and the bitterness and hopelessness was confused on his face.

She always made him smile. Even though half the time he hid it behind a smirk or just openly teased her for her childishness. Somehow, the time spent with her… her carefree personality, her childish immaturity and stubbornness… it relaxed him. And even though this watching her while she slept thing was meant to be some kind of way for him to rot in his misery, now he looked over her while she slept because… he wanted to protect her, kind of. He just wanted the peace of knowing that at least she was someone who could sleep with no worries.

He thought back on the many things he had faced back in Soul Society, the reasons why he was here to 'recover'. He lowered his eyes and sighed lightly.

Karin… I… He raised his head again and looked at her.

He whispered, "…I'll tell you someday."

Suddenly, Karin moved again. Hitsugaya wasn't surprised. He'd watched over her sleeping and knew that it wasn't unusual for her to roll around. But then he noticed, and the surprise and shock swept over his face.

Karin was frowning in her sleep, her face scrunched up, her mouth turned downwards as though she was in the middle of a nightmare. She looked like she was so terrified and hurting at the same time.

This made Hitsugaya's eyes widen. It wasn't meant to be like this. She wasn't meant to be having nightmares or dreaming of unpleasant things. That was what he did. She was meant to have no troubles, no horrific past torturing her, always sporting her mischievous grin.

He was worried now, searching her tortured face urgently for any sign of relief.

Karin… he almost wanted to reach over and shake her awake, tell her it was okay and that it was only a dream, but found that he didn't have to.

She woke up suddenly and instead of freezing and trying to be invisible, he breathed a soft sigh of relief to himself, watching her nonchalantly.

Karin sat up and breathed deeply, in and out a few times. The girl lifted a hand and brushed away messed-up black hair from in front of her eyes and then looked forlornly towards the window.

He was always watching someone who never looked back at him.

Then suddenly, she looked back.

"Toushirou?" her eyes were wide and surprised, but then immediately she smiled a full, heartfelt smile at him. "You're here!"

You don't have to look so darn delighted to see me, you know. He watched her with a seemingly bored expression from his seat on the floor. "Uh huh," he grunted in reply.

They were silent for a moment and he was surprised at how she seemed to have recovered so quickly from whatever kind of dream she was having.

"…hey," he said suddenly.

"Yeah?" she blinked at him.

"Did you have a bad dream?"

Karin smiled sheepishly. "Yeah," she said, "But it's over now, so it's okay!"

He recalled last time when their roles were reversed, and he was the one in the bed with the nightmare, and she the one asking about it.

"…what was it about?" he asked, after a moment of thought.

Karin stared at him and slowly her face paled before it flushed with embarrassment. "Nothing!! It's stupid!" she snapped, angry.

Hitsugaya wasn't sure whether to be worried about her or just diss her for being so embarrassed about being scared over a 'stupid' dream.

"Are you ever gonna tell me what it was about?" he asked.

"No, I'm not." Karin replied bluntly, scowling.

They were silent, but Hitsugaya noticed the way Karin stared down at the sheets. Her eyes were darkened and her face still troubled. It was fading back into his normal colour from the slight redness from before. Whatever it was, even though she said it was stupid, he knew that it actually really worried her.

"Go back to sleep, Karin," he said, "Or else you'll be tired for school tomorrow."

She frowned at him. "Why is it that whenever I try to talk to you, you're always telling me to go to sleep?"

He shrugged. "It doesn't always happen."

She looked grumpy.

They half-stared, half-glared at each other for a minute. His icy-blue eyes seemed to have lost the always tired look and had the energy to fire back at hers. She glared in annoyance straight back at the captain.

She lost, and with irritation, fell back and pulled the covers over her face.

He was slightly annoyed that he couldn't see her face, but wouldn't mention it.

The amusement was obvious in his voice as he tried to fight back the smile that he knew would appear on his face. "Goodnight, Karin."

"Hmph," was the only muffled reply from her. But she turned away from her and looked out a little opening from her blankets, looking out into the darkness before squeezing her eyes tight. She fought the blush quickly spreading over her face and told herself she would never let him know just how glad she really was to see him nearby.

---

He was starting to get really concerned however.

Because even though over these last few weeks, it was her, it was Karin Kurosaki who managed to make him smile again. And he could feel the weights slowly releasing themselves from the pain in his heart, but at the same time, he felt the dread slowly growing within him.

He couldn't run from the suffering and torment that seemed destined to follow him no matter wherever he went. Surely, even though the relief he had right now was enough to make him relax a bit, he knew it was only a matter of time.

He wasn't sure what it was exactly, but the carefully wrapped invisible bandages tightened around him… might choke him soon. Even though it seemed like he was recovering, inside he felt the pain ache again.

And Hitsugaya knew…

He was on the final countdown. There was only so long to go before he really and truly broke down, never to be the same again.

All because…

For so long he'd been the one who silently watched over the girl who never saw him.

All because… this time… she'd actually looked back at him.

To be continued in chapter seven!! I hope you enjoyed this! Yeah, the roles certainly were reversed, eh? This time it was Karin with the nightmare, and as for what it was about, I'm sure it's not that hard to work out. I pretty much gave it away back then. Still… in case you missed it, I'll tell you next week!! Sorry for keeping you guys waiting by the way!! ^_^ Please review!!