Hi everybody!! Wow... I'm so exhausted… okay… So thanks for all the reviews and support everyone! I never would've gotten this far without you all!! I'm gonna apologize early because I'm getting really busy these days, lots of homework and assignments and commitments, as well as camps and trips and training stuff. So please stay by me until I get this done!! Here's the second-last chapter! Please review! emichii

Chapter Eleven: Left Behind

When Hitsugaya arrived home, in Soul Society, everything seemed to hit him hard. The emptiness, the blankness of it all, the silence and the white buildings. It all… shocked him.

He made his way through the empty streets and buildings, walking the somehow exhausting path to his division, to his headquarters, where the characters TEN on the building almost gave him a headache.

Just as he stood in front of the door, it opened abruptly and before he knew what was happening, he was suffocating face-down into someone's chest. Her arms wrapped around him tightly and before he could get himself into the right set of mind, he found that he'd missed the presence of his trusty lieutenant.

He frowned and tried to be his icy cold self again. "Matsumoto!" he scolded. "Let go!"

As he pushed the assistant captain away, he found that in her eyes were not the usual sense of fun and laziness. She looked serious and the concern and care in them surprised him.

He stared at her, wide-eyed.

"Captain," she said softly, looking at him critically. "I'm glad you're back. How are you feeling?"

Before, before he'd left Soul Society for Karakura to recover, her asking him that would have made him so furious. Before, he could not handle everybody's sympathetic questions and their worry and concern. But now… he didn't understand it. He didn't feel angry or even irritated at her question.

Hitsugaya looked tiredly away. He didn't know. He truly… didn't know.

He'd been so sure, so certain before, last night before he left that he was better. He'd really thought he'd been healed, been recovered, mostly due to a certain human girl whose name he refused to let himself say. But then… standing there beside her sleeping form…

The confidence in his recovery all fell apart. And he didn't know anymore. He didn't know… at all.

Matsumoto was quiet, watching him, still waiting for an answer.

He turned away. "…I don't know."

I really don't know… what normal is anymore.

---

"Dude, you look awful!! What happened to you??"

Someone's both laughing and scowling voice sounded in his mind. Her laughter seemed to tickle him and the brightness of her smirking smile made his insides hurt. That very same smile that once was so contagious it had been hard to hold back his own smile.

Hitsugaya opened his eyes and stared questioningly up at the ceiling. He lay there, sprawled out on his bed and breathed in deeply. He didn't get it. He glared up at the starch white ceiling and he could pick up the sounds from outside- the sounds of Matsumoto training his squads. Her voice was lighter- she was obviously delighted at the return of her captain. But he himself…

He sat up and stared miserably at the mirror on the door, studying himself. His appearance had really improved, he told himself, and it really had. Apart from this unnameable expression in his cold blue-green eyes, he seemed normal. Really.

But…

It had been bugging him ever since he got here. And it had only been a few hours, but it grew more and more insistent, this strange tugging inside him. He frowned and clenched and unclenched his fists.

Dammit!! Why was it like this?? He'd tried so hard, he'd dealt with so much crap!! He'd been away from home for so long, and now that he recovered, why couldn't he just come back and belong again? Why couldn't he return and feel at home like he was meant to?

Something wasn't right.

He could feel it.

As soon as he'd stepped back past the portal, as soon as he'd seen the ever-familiar scenery of his home- the Soul Society, he felt it inside him. He felt the doubt and uncertainty gnaw at him. There was something wrong. Something… was really wrong.

Almost like… his face paled as he looked away from his image reflected in the mirror. Something was missing.

Something was gone.

"Will you… tell me about it someday?"

Her quiet, more thoughtful voice sounded through in his mind. It surprised him sometimes because there was always this contrast in her face and voice when she wasn't being her childish immature self. There was always this really honest, determined look in her brown eyes and he could hear the thoughtfulness in her voice.

"…maybe. Someday."

Had it only just been a few weeks since she asked him that so earnestly? Since he replied with the slight surprise in his eyes, though he tried to hide it.

Hitsugaya walked down through the corridors of his Tenth Company building, towards the main headquarters. He just couldn't pinpoint why the silence of Soul Society that usually calmed him felt so wrong to him.

He heard the footsteps coming down on the wooden floor toward him and automatically traced the reiatsu of Matsumoto. He smirked a little to himself. He wasn't rusty at all, his senses and skills were still the peak standard of the Gotei 13.

But he found that the sympathetic look in Matsumoto's eyes annoyed him still. The vice-captain came to a stop just in front of him and bent down a little to meet his gaze. "Taichou…" she attempted a warm smile, but the obvious sympathy in her eyes made him want to turn away.

He stared at her, frowning.

"…would you like to go visit Hinamori?"

"Wh-what?" He only just managed to stop himself from spitting out the horrified words.

Matsumoto's reply was soft and calm. "…It's been three weeks since you went to the Living World to recover. You haven't visited her in all that time. Surely, you-"

­-are going to come running back to her as always, aren't you?

Matsumoto had trailed off, but Hitsugaya heard his own accusing voice ringing in his head.

No, he told himself as he shook sense into his head. I'm done with all this pain and regret over her. I'm better now! I'm not afraid of seeing her, I'm not!

Hitsugaya straightened up and led the way to the exit. "Let's go."

---

She wasn't going to look back. She never did, and never would. Not the way he so wanted her to.

---

Apparently, Hinamori Momo was on the road to recovery. She was comatose, yes, but she'd wake up in time. It wouldn't be long now. But ever since she'd first collapsed, Hitsugaya had made it a habit, a routine to visit her continually.

He hadn't been to see her in three weeks. Wasn't sure what was different about everything here now, but he faithfully made his way to where she was being kept.

Well… He mulled over his thoughts as he walked steadily, I… I said I was healed. I am!! I really am! But I…

He felt the doubt rise up in him as he gazed at the white buildings around him. What was this unsettling feeling? What was wrong, what was different with this life that he'd once been so accustomed to?

Hitsugaya had been so angry at Hinamori before. But he'd still come to see her everyday, as often as he could. He knew that she'd put him through so much, dragged him down whenever she felt like she was in trouble, innocently rubbing the salt into the wounds that hurt him so much.

What was so different? He was better this time round. He wouldn't… be affected anymore.

---

It used to hurt when he came here. It used to really, really cane.

Every time he came here, every time he so faithfully visited her and just stood there silently by her side… it hurt. And he used to feel so angry, so frustrated and filled with hatred for everything she'd put him through, yet he'd still come and stand here, to watch her unconscious face. Because he was so pathetically attached to her.

But he walked in, into the dimly lit room, small slits of sunlight peering in from curtains that had been pulled closed over the windows. Everything was so similar, the silent, peaceful room that he dreaded yet came running to repeatedly.

Three metres from her bed, he automatically braced himself. Because he knew the closer he got to her, as soon as he saw her angelic form and her lovely face, he would hurt inside. And he knew that mentally preparing himself to see her all the time never helped. It would still hurt.

He was silent as he slowly walked towards her bedside and looked down at her. His icy-coloured eyes settled across her face and he recalled the miserable memories and thoughts of everything that had happened between them. Her chest rose up and down almost unnoticeably, and he realized that some colour had returned to her cheeks.

That's good, he thought. She really was getting better.

Maybe… she'd wake up soon.

Hitsugaya suddenly widened his eyes and found himself stiffen. He didn't even let out his breath for a moment. He blinked in surprise a couple of times.

He raised his head away from her face and stared blankly out at the wall across from him. He didn't understand it. It was different now. He barely glanced down at Momo again, as he swiftly turned away from her and began heading out of the room. His footsteps moved quickly through the hallways and straight past Matsumoto who was waiting for him outside.

"Captain? Taichou?" She turned after him, surprised and curious about how fast he was leaving, at his strange behaviour.

He went straight past her, his feet moving faster and faster, struggling to find a place where he could be alone, somewhere where he could be confused and searching for his answers by himself. The buildings, the vastness of the white blocks of the Seireitei disappeared behind him as Hitsugaya began to run.

---

He left the Seireitei behind him. He left the buildings he knew and had based his life around far behind, he ran into the openness of the Soul Society. He went past the old and broken-down streets and homes of the citizens without spiritual abilities, somewhere else, somewhere else where he might finally find what he was looking for.

The breeze brushing across his face made him feel even more desperate. He tried to remember the last time when the wind past him had actually comforted him. The last time he'd actually… enjoyed running.

"Whaddaya waiting for, Toushirou? Go bring it back!"

Her smirking face as she stood there, hand on her hips. He remembered the early morning sky behind her and the dew on the grass. She'd made him run across the field to retrieve the soccer ball that she'd deliberately booted way over his head. He'd been annoyed at first, but realized that the running made him feel better, the wind past his face comforting him.

He felt his insides tighten as he recalled the experience, more so as he imagined her happy face, beaming at him. His heavy footsteps came to a stop and he stood there, on a hill, overlooking the Soul Society beneath him.

He buried his face in his hands as he felt despair wash over him. Dammit! It had been so disconcerting, so disturbing, and so unfamiliar. He'd never realized just how much he'd counted on the pain from Hinamori to always be there, always there inside. But just then, as he'd gone to visit his childhood friend, the suffering, the pain that usually stabbed itself inside his heart wasn't there. Its presence… had gone.

He raised his head and let himself stare at the plain blue sky of Soul Society with all the despair inside open and exposed. His blue-green eyes were bright but his feelings, his emotions… were so uncertain.

He thought for sure he should be relieved, inside he should be feeling so light, so glad, so much better. He really was better! He really had recovered!! Surely, surely, because the pain of seeing Momo and thinking of her was gone now, because he couldn't feel it inside him anymore, he couldn't feel its familiar stabbing pain damaging his heart again.

But… there was something else.

He recalled someone else's sleeping face. He remembered standing beside her bedside, watching with some kind of tenderness in his heart as she slept, so innocent and unaware of the trials and tribulation out there in the world.

And how this person…

He felt his chest hurt and he was shocked. He was absolutely astounded, horrified as he realized what had happened.

He'd always been there, watching the girl who would never look back at him. But then… this girl… she'd… woken up and looked back at him. And then with the surprise evident in her eyes, she'd smiled at him. She'd smiled so brightly at him, and he realized later what the emotion in her smile actually was.

She'd… actually looked back.

He found himself gasping for breath, his eyes widened now with this shock horror as his heart twisted with unbelievable pain. But it wasn't pain for Hinamori Momo.

"…I like you, Toushirou."

Her voice had been small and soft. And her lips had trembled, her eyes struggling to keep looking at him. The fear and uncertainty was obvious in her slightly cracked voice, but the truthfulness of it all, the honesty in her scared brown eyes had given him a shock.

This strange… pain inside- he recognized it. Yet it was different. And inside, he realized what was wrong, what had screamed out at him as soon as he'd entered Soul Society again, as soon as he'd come home. And he understood his confusion, this emptiness, this blank numbness inside him, why something was wrong, why something was missing. He knew now… what was missing.

He became burdened and rained on by the thoughts and feelings. Everything revealed itself, everything came back, everything exploded into his head, into his heart, a montage of all the things he'd seen and faced and felt during his time with her.

"…I guess I'll see ya some time then, Toushirou."

Her shrug, her casual tone as she turned away, not looking back into his eyes.

"Sometimes, what I do to get rid of whatever's bugging me is take the soccer ball out to the school field and boot it at the goal a coupla times. And I'll kick it really hard, over and over, just to get the annoyance and suffering out. Like, for example, when I'm pissed off at my dad, I'll pretend the goal is his face and kick the ball in it a few times!"

Her immaturity, her childishness. The funny things about her that made him want to laugh, that made him struggle to suppress the chuckles he wanted to let out.

"So… you liked someone and you got all depressed about it? If that's what happened, then I see even more reason not to understand this whole 'love' business. I don't… I don't wish to ever like somebody!"

But also her honesty, her simple truths and beliefs, her determination.

Hitsugaya breathed heavily as he squeezed his eyes shut and tried to handle the huge emotion inside him. It was all so big, too heavy to be contained, so incredible and surprising now that he understood it.

Last night, as he'd given in to his urge to see her one more time, to say goodbye and somehow apologize for his meltdown. The despairing pain that had somehow made itself into his heart, even while he was far, far away from Hinamori. His weakness, his mistake in letting himself glance back at her and realizing he couldn't turn away. And… that horrifyingly painful twisting feeling inside as he noticed the tears running down her cheeks as she slept.

The rush, the horror, the sudden need to leave, the despair inside as he pulled himself away, dug his feet in, gritted his teeth and held in the throbbing of his heart as he ran, ran as fast as he possibly could. Had to get away, had to run away, absolutely couldn't stay one second longer. The wind that beat harshly against his face as he ran in the cold darkness of the night echoed the strange new pain of his chest.

His insides broke down as he glared with the shock realization. He drew in a sharp intake of breath as he blinked open his eyes and felt the hole in his stomach.

What was missing, what was wrong, why it was all different and not the way it should be, what he'd left behind.

The reason he'd felt so uncomfortable coming home. Why his heart no longer ached around Momo and now hurt and twisted so much in this different way. Why something seemed to missing, something felt so wrong and what it was that he must've left behind in the Living World.

Her smile, her childish but bright smile cut through him. And her tearstained face, the misery and sadness that she couldn't contain, try as she might…

Hitsugaya held himself tightly and gritted his teeth as he tried to bear this new pain. He knew what had happened.

This different suffering, this different longing, this different feeling.

He thought he had healed. He'd let go of Momo, at last.

But he wasn't better. Hinamori was no longer the cause of his suffering, and he should be relieved because of that, but… actually he…

He hurt because he loved someone else. He hurt because he'd fallen for someone new, someone different. 'cause he was in love with Kurosaki Karin.

And last night, running so desperately away from her because these feelings for her had become so strong, even though he didn't know it because he'd tried so hard to deny everything, because he was so angry about how she felt about him, because he couldn't take it anymore, he couldn't handle any more pain or suffering.

And ever since he'd gotten back, the feeling of knowing something was gone, knowing something was wrong, feeling like something was missing. Now he knew what it was.

He'd left his heart behind. There, in Karin's bedroom, as she cried tears in her sleep. He'd left his heart on the windowsill, as the chilling night breeze made the curtains flutter about it.

Hitsugaya was no longer in denial as he hugged himself, lowered his head and gritted his teeth to bear the pain. And the pain wasn't going to go away as he mourned for what he'd left behind.

One chapter to go, everybody!! Scary, isn't it? But I'm so happy and grateful for all of your support and reviews! So… it'll be a little sad to see Your Bandages end but let's hope it will be a spectacular finish. I'm gonna need all the help I can get, so please review and give a bit of encouragement as I run the final stretch! Haha! ^_^ Be there for the last chapter!! emichii