Title: 21 Candles
Author: Malanna (with a huge assist from Master Beta and Mistress of Snark, Gallathea - seriously, this would not be half as funny without her!)
Support Stacie Auction Winner: Konfetti and S. Meadows
Ficlet Challenge: Write the SVM version of the John Hughes classic film 16 Candles. Warning: major humor and parody ahead! This is definite AU/OOC.
Musical Inspiration: 80's new wave, of course!
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Sookie hated taking public transportation. At this time of night the Shreveport buses mostly carried fellow college commuters, but there was also the array of odd (and some mentally unstable) passengers who rode the bus for lack of anything better to do. As she found a seat behind two college students wearing jock straps on their heads, Amelia's prompting to guilt her parents into getting her a car was looking like a better idea.
For the first part of the bus ride Sookie tried to avoid looking at jock-strap-heads and weird neck-brace girl sitting across from her, keeping her eyes focused out the window. She wondered what god she'd angered to have her birthday forgotten, the vampire she obsessed over not even know she was alive (shouldn't he at least want to drain her?), and to still be stuck riding the bus from hell. She had daydreamed about having her own vehicle - maybe a little red convertible sports car that could corner like it was on rails as she let the road lead her, blowing through yield signs - but that was a fantasy. Reality was about to get even worse.
Vampire Bill, known around campus only as 'The Geek' (TG for short,) had slid into the seat with Sookie and was leaning into her like a social reject at a singles bar. You know the type – thinks he's a suave Romeo, but is more like the kid on the playground who thinks no one notices him picking his nose. A true computer geek, he was wearing a button-up shirt, Dockers, and a henley tied around his waist – the only thing missing was the pocket protector.
"Hey, hot stuff. What do you say we test the tensile strength of these seat springs?" he breathed into Sookie's ear.
Sookie rolled her eyes, trying to ignore him as she stared out the window. The Geek was proof that even vampires didn't always fit into a stereotype.
"You going to the dance tonight?" he pressed, crowding further into her personal space.
Sookie turned and glared at him, "That's none of your business."
"You got a guy? Cause, I mean, I could rock your world," Bill continued, oblivious to Sookie's disgust. "Or I could just glamour you and make you think I rocked your world, and then you'd be all up on my jock for real."
"I have several guys," she spat, "And they would beat you up for even trying to mind fuck me."
TG held his hands up in a defensive posture, leaning back slightly. "Geez, so hostile!" his voice cracked with feigned indignation. He paused a moment, then inclined his head toward her, attempting to smolder. "Am I turning you on? I am, right?" he grinned.
"I don't know who turned you, geek, but your maker obviously skipped the 'vampire seduction' lessons. Stay away from my arteries!" Thankfully the bus pulled up to her stop at that moment, and Sookie quickly extricated herself from the seat, ignoring him as she blew past.
The Geek watched her exit the bus, still grinning. He turned to the neck-brace girl, trying to sound confident, "That was encouraging, I think."
She raised an eyebrow, the vampire oblivious to the sarcasm in her voice, "Uh... yeah."
*~*~*
Sookie tensed, stopping dead in her tracks on the stairs to her third floor bedroom, the sound of familiar voices coming from above. Peering through the banister slats she spotted two pairs of cellulite and varicose vein-ridden legs. Oh hell... the grandparents. She turned, trying to quietly tiptoe back down before they could spot her.
"Sookums!" she heard Mitchell, her paternal Grandfather, call down after her.
Her luck was just refusing to change today. She plastered a smile on her face and steeled herself, heading back up the stairs.
"Hi, Grandpa and Grandma," she forced with as pleasant a tone as she could muster.
"Oh, it's so good to see you!" her Grandmother Adele, who had been unpacking her Hummel fairy figurines that she strangely refused to travel without, crooned as she embraced her.
"It's good to see you, too," Sookie replied, stiffly hugging each of them in return. "So, you guys are staying up here?" she asked.
Mitchell nodded and groaned, "Yes, yes, it's murder on my sciatica climbing all those stairs, though."
Sookie tried to appear empathetic, but huffed internally that she had to give up her room. One more thing to add to the 'Why Sookie's Birthday Sucks' list. Surely her grandparents would remember her birthday at least – they live for that shit!
"So, do I look any different today?" she hinted to them.
Adele looked at her curiously, "Nope, still our little Sookums! Why?"
"Nothing," Sookie sighed, defeated. "I had better go get settled in the guest room."
"We're looking forward to a long talk with you later!" Mitchell called after her as she went back down the stairs. Once Sookie was out of earshot he turned to Adele, "That girl just doesn't appreciate us."
"Mmhmm," Adele agreed. "Kids have no respect anymore."
As Sookie rounded the corner on the second floor, Lady Luck once again mocked her. Ethel, her maternal Grandmother, came out of one of the two guest rooms at that exact moment. Sookie cringed.
"Oh, Sookie!" Ethel squealed.
"Hi, Grandma," Sookie said exasperatedly, plastering her smile on once again.
"Well, just look at you!"
"How are you, Grandma?" she asked, trying to sound like she cared.
"Oh well, excited about your brother's wedding, of course," she replied, then lowered her voice in a secretive gossiping manner. "Is it true what I'm hearing about his fiancé, though?"
Before Sookie could respond, her Grandfather, Henry, emerged from the bathroom.
"There's my little Sookie!" he grinned, hugging her.
"Hi, Grandpa," she said, anticipating the inevitable follow-up.
"Knock knock!" Henry began the joke.
Sookie continued her fake smile, "Who's there?"
"Ivan."
"Ivan, who?"
"Ivan to suck your blood!" he quipped, and then began to tickle her as he laughed.
Great. Now there's even vampire knock-knock jokes.
"Henry, stop that," Ethel admonished. "You'll make her tinkle."
Sookie wasn't sure whether to scoff at her Grandma or thank her for stopping the disturbing tickling.
"Oh, look, Henry," Ethel whispered to him. "Her boobies have gotten bigger!"
As if the tickling wasn't disturbing enough, Sookie stared in horror as her Grandma's hands descended upon her breasts, squeezing them. Oh god, stop this punishment and just kill me now... I'll never complain again! Sookie quickly made an excuse about homework and ducked into the other guest room, shutting the door and leaning back against it with a sigh of relief.
"I can't believe my Grandma felt me up," she muttered to herself, flopping on the bottom bunk bed (this was the guest room most used by Hunter and Hadley.)
Just as Sookie was beginning to settle down from the family onslaught, a face suddenly appeared, hanging down from the top bunk.
"What's happenin', Cher?" the top bunk occupant sort of growled.
Sookie shrieked, startled at the strange, coppery-headed man. His hair was shaggy and unkempt, along with a scruffy face, and his eyes were wild. She scrambled off the bed, diving for the bedroom door, and running down to the kitchen.
Sookie's mother was busy at the stove, and her cousin Hunter was seated at the kitchen table.
"I don't mean to alarm anyone," Sookie said, "But there's a strange, shaggy man in the spare room."
Michelle looked pointedly at Sookie. "That's Lam Dog Sam; he's an exchange student staying with your Grandma and Grandpa Stackhouse. Apparently he was orphaned in Vietnam and raised by a pack of wolves," she said as though this was an everyday occurrence.
"Well, where's he staying?" Sookie asked.
"In my room," Hunter chimed in, never failing to claim ownership of the spare room. "He had better be house-broken."
Sookie sighed, "Well then, where am I staying?"
"Sofa city, sweetheart," Hunter grinned.
Of course, because Linda and her kids certainly couldn't sleep at their own damn house.
"Sookie, can you remember to turn the oven off in half an hour? Your Father and I have dinner with the Norrises tonight," Michelle said.
"I can remember lots of things," Sookie huffed. "Mom, is there any reason I should stay home tonight?"
"Well, Sookie, it would be nice if you spent some time with your Grandparents this evening."
"It's just that there's this dance on campus tonight," Sookie explained, now happy for any reason to get out of the house.
"Alright, but you have dinner with the family first," Michelle replied absently. "Speaking of which, go tell your brother to hurry up or we'll be late to the club."
Sookie didn't dare push her luck any further, and quickly headed back up the stairs, Hunter having followed behind her. As she turned the corner, Sookie couldn't help the urge to stick her tongue out at her cousin.
"What's your problem?" Hunter asked.
Sookie narrowed her eyes. "It's my birthday, and not one of you has said a word!" she huffed, finally letting out her frustration.
"Everyone forgot your birthday? Classic!" he laughed, walking away from her.
Sookie flung the door open to Jason's room, not bothering to knock, and flopped down on his bed. Jason was standing at his dresser mirror, trying to knot his tie.
"Do you think Grandpa Henry is going to embarrass me tomorrow?" Jason asked, ignoring Sookie's dramatics.
"Doesn't he always?"
Jason sighed, "He already asked me if Crystal is your garden-variety trailer trash."
"Is she?"
"Don't be a brat," Jason scolded. "She's so amazing, Sookie – beautiful, smart, and such a great cook."
Sookie bit her lower lip, watching Jason primp. "I suppose it wouldn't be so bad to watch NASCAR and eat pork rinds with someone you really love. I'm in love, too... I think."
Jason turned to look at his younger sister. "So? What's the problem?"
"I don't think he knows I exist."
"Ugh, Sook," Jason rolled his eyes. "I don't have time for this."
"Well, excuse me," Sookie spat.
Jason crossed the room, sitting on the bed with her. "Sookie, you're being a real bitch. You know what I think your problem is?"
She stared at him.
"I think you're jealous that I'm getting all the attention," he said with a firm tone. "I think you're being selfish and immature."
Sookie narrowed her eyes, "Yeah... that's it. I'm not the one pretending to like Kenny Chesney just so my bride won't leave me at the altar, oh brother of mine. I could always object during the ceremony and tell Crystal what you really think of Garth Brooks." She blew out a puff of air, climbing off the bed and heading for the door, turning for a moment before leaving. "Mom says to hurry up or you'll be late for dinner."
*~*~*
An hour later Sookie was seated at the dinner table with her grandparents, aunt, and cousins. Seated at the head of the table was Lam Dog Sam, the strange, shaggy man. He was holding his plate up to his nose, sniffing curiously at his dinner.
"Very interesting," he said with his Asian-accented, growly voice. "Meal wrapped up in round pie."
"It's a quiche," Hunter laughed.
"Quiche?" Lam Dog Sam asked. "How do you spell it?"
"Well, you don't spell it," Mitchell chuckled. "You eat it!"
"Sookie, you and Dog are about the same age," Adele announced.
Sookie tried to smile. "That's great, Grandma."
"I like living with Grandma and Grandpa Stackhouse," the shaggy man said. "Grandpa lets me push lawn mowing machine so his hyena does not bother him."
"Hernia!" Hunter laughed, correcting him.
"Where hyena? Hyena here?" Dog asked, confused.
"Oh yes," Adele continued, "Dog is very helpful to us around the house. He's just great!"
Lam Dog Sam smiled weakly, examining his fork as though he had no idea what to do with it. Sookie wondered if he might just dive his face into the quiche, and decided to try and get out of there as quickly as possible.
"May I be excused? I have a dance to go to."
"A dance?" Ethel asked.
"Uh... yeah. It's for gym. We're being graded."
"I have a wonderful idea!" Adele chimed back in. "Dog? Would you like to go to the dance with Sookie?"
Sookie's jaw dropped in horror.
Great, just great. Could this birthday possibly get any worse?
TBC
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A/N: This ficlet was written as part of the Support Stacie auction, in which fanfic authors offered stories written to the winning bidder's personal specifications. The auction raised over $25,000 in total to help support a fellow author battling cancer. To learn more about this cause and about future auctions, please visit:
supportstacie (DOT) net
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or stories from the Southern Vampire Mysteries – they belong solely to Charlaine Harris. No infringement is intended.