Title: 21 Candles
Author: Malanna (with a huge assist from Master Beta and Mistress of Snark, Gallathea)
Support Stacie Auction Winner: Konfetti and S. Meadows
Ficlet Challenge: Write the SVM version of the John Hughes classic film 16 Candles. Warning: major humor and parody ahead! This is definite AU/OOC.
Musical Inspiration: 80's new wave, of course!
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Sookie tugged at her grey, cut-off neck sweatshirt, making sure it hung far down her shoulder. She'd always loved the movie Flashdance, so had gone full-out for the 80's themed dance, legwarmers and all. Her curling iron had gotten the workout of the century to create the perfect Jersey mall bangs and teased out side wings. Amelia had opted for the Madonna look, covered in a white lace corset dress, gloves, and a penciled on mole. Sookie thought Amelia looked a little more "Papa Don't Preach" than "Like a Virgin," but hey, we all had a healthy respect for the Boy Toy's oeuvre.
As they entered the commons of the student union, Sookie began scanning through the crepe paper, balloons and hanging stars (the dance organizer must be a Footloose fan.) She was hoping, of course, to catch sight of the vampire object of her affection. The thought of the tall blond in Bender-Breakfast-Club leather and jeans made her wish she'd worn lighter clothing, suddenly feeling far too warm.
Lined up along the wall, all clad in Devo gear, complete with red flower pot hats, was the geek squad – led by none other than Vampire Bill. Bud and Andy, his two sidekicks, were testing their latest attempt at X-Ray glasses. As Andy looked around with the ridiculous red goggles, he spotted Amelia and Sookie come through the doors.
"Whoa, major babe alert at two o'clock," Andy said.
Bud chimed in, "Bet that blond looks Springer-worthy in a pair of Daisy Dukes."
Bill, as self-appointed leader of the geek squad, admonished Andy. "Be cool, Bellefleur. And take off those ridiculous goggles."
"What's not cool about night vision?" Andy asked.
"It's cool if you've got it naturally, Andy. Like me. My vision is so good that I can practically see that girl's nipples through her shirt."
"Everyone can see her nipples, Compton."
"Be polite, man," Bill said. "I happen to have a relationship with that woman."
"Spanking it to her yearbook picture doesn't qualify as a relationship," Bud snickered.
"Seriously, she and I have connected on a deep level."
Bud and Andy looked at each other, then to Bill. "Prove it."
"You don't believe me?" Bill croaked in an offended tone. "I'll bet you I bag that babe tonight."
"A forty pack of DVD-Roms," Andy said confidently. "For burning all your porn to a portable format in style."
Bill gulped, but tried to remain cool.
"And you have to have proof," Bud added.
"What kind of proof?"
"Panties," the two answered in unison, then added after a moment, "Girl's panties."
Bill scoffed at the two, knowing the perfect way to accomplish this.
"And not Lorena's. She'll drop her panties for any sad sack."
Well, there went that plan, but Bill acted offended by the notion he would cheat. He took a moment to check out his sideburns in a pocket mirror--yup, still smooth--and zipped across the dance floor with vampire speed.
Sookie shifted her weight back and forth on her feet, sighing as she spotted Eric slow dancing with Pam. Her Bender fantasy had been trumped – the couple had perfect Baby and Jonny Dirty Dancing outfits. Sookie had fleeting thoughts of pelting Pam with a watermelon. But how could she compete, really? That was one Baby nobody would put in a corner.
But then the unthinkable happened. Eric's wandering gaze landed on Sookie as she was staring straight at him. And he... smiled at her! Being the smooth operator she was, Sookie clammed up like a special kid in a MENSA meeting, and quickly turned away.
Just when Sookie thought things couldn't get any more embarrassing, she had turned to smack straight into The Geek. He eyed her sweatshirt appreciatively and started jogging in place in front of her. "Sookie, you're a maniac, a maniac on the floor."
Sookie just stared at The Geek, watching his Devo hat bop around with his gyrations.
"Hot, right? You want this? Want me to whip it?" he waggled his eyebrows.
The Guinness people would surely record this as the worst birthday in history, Sookie thought. She considered stuffing her silver bangles in The Geek's mouth to shut him up, but when he began pelvic thrusting at her, she'd had enough and bolted for the hallway.
Sookie leaned against the wall outside the commons and slowly sank to the ground. Her family had forgotten her birthday, she'd frozen up in front of the hottest vampire in Louisiana, and a Civil War vet had made it clear he'd like to "bayonet" her.
Bill, so absorbed in the seductive show he was putting on, didn't realize she'd left until a particularly hard thrust made him lose his balance, and he stumbled forward. Bud and Andy had been watching the scene, and were doubled over laughing as Bill attempted to recover, smoothing his hair back. He sauntered back over to them, "I'm too much for her; she felt faint."
"I can see that, Electric Boogaloo," Bud mocked.
While most of the dancers on the floor were occupied with "The Electric Slide," the exchange student, Dog, was dancing with his muzzle conspicuously occupied in the ample bosom of none other than Debbie Pelt, who he considered one fox of a woman.
Sam spoke to Debbie, his voice slightly muffled by his mouth's proximity to her chest. "I bet every man on campus chases you," he said appreciatively.
"They do," she replied. "But I'm speedy like Carl Lewis, and nobody's been able to catch me yet. I run the 400 meters in 57 seconds flat."
"Flat?" Dog murmured, dazed by the bounty in front of his face.
While Pam went with her gaggle of hens to the bathroom, Eric decided to approach the kid he'd seen talking with Sookie.
"That girl you were dancing with earlier... are you... very attached to her?"
Bill, who instinctively bared fang, took up a defensive posture. "No, no, man. I didn't know she was yours."
"Calm down, fledgling, she's not mine. I'm just curious about her."
"Have you smelled her, man? I don't know what she's got in her blood, but it's eau-de-somethin'," Bill replied, licking a fang.
"Did she come here with you?" Eric asked.
"Nah, man, but if it's cool with my nestmates, she's comin' home with me," Bill said, attempting a suave toss of his head.
Eric cocked a brow at the younger vampire, wondering what Sookie could possibly see in him. Maybe she was just a common fangbanger, after all.
Meanwhile, back in the hallway, Sookie was doing her best impression of a leaky faucet in a classic angst-ridden breakdown. Because the fates were conspiring to make this the worst day ever, her pity-party was interrupted when Pam and her friends walked past her.
"Hey," Pam said, indifferently.
"Hey," Sookie stammered, trying to hide the tears running down her face. "Visine, you know. Gets the red out. Used too much."
She was rambling now. Shit. Pam just stared at her for a second and kept walking. Sookie took a deep breath once they'd vanished down the hall, steeling her nerves, (what the hell does that mean, anyway? Sending your nerves to a metal refinery?) and headed back into the dance. She spotted Amelia on the bleachers next to a stoner named Tray they liked to hang out with, and sat down in front of them.
Any hopes of reprieve Sookie had quickly vanished, as Bill, who had an uncanny sense of timing, slid into the bleachers next to her just as the DJ started playing "Push It." The Geek attempted to lounge casually next to her, but his elbows missed the bleacher behind him and sent his Devo hat falling onto Amelia's lap. Bill went for another hair smooth, trying to make the faux-pas look intentional, and leaned over toward Sookie.
"Ah ah, push it..." he breathed at her.
Tray grabbed the hat from Amelia's lap and chucked it at Bill's head. "Get the hell outta here, geek."
"We rescind your invitation to our section of the bleachers," Amelia added.
Bill ignored the comments behind him, bopping his head along with the music. "So, I was thinking," Bill said, trying to remain cool by just looking around the room. "Maybe you and I could, y'know... head back to my nest, and I dunno... we could play some Wii golf for awhile... and then maybe listen to some Tibetan drums... maybe check out my big bathtub..."
He had finally turned his head to look at Sookie, about to tack on a final suggestive comment about being his True Blood replacement, when he realized the seat next to him was empty.
"Didn't pick up on the fact that she was leaving even with your vampire hearing, eh Geek?" Amelia snorted.
Sookie had fled the commons once again, well past her breaking point, and found herself in the auto shop, seated in the driver's seat of a broken down Chevy Malibu. She caressed the dashboard wistfully, feeling a certain affection for the vehicle despite its obvious status as an utter piece of crap. "So much for yielding my first time on my birthday," she huffed.
Bill, who had ran off after her, hovered in the doorway watching. He had to win that bet! He leaned against a nearby shelf to ponder his next move, but it buckled beneath his super strength, sending hubcaps flying across the floor. Valentino he was not.
Sookie, startled by the noise, whipped her head around, but was too depressed at this point to throw a tantrum. She sat picking at the dashboard as Bill tried to silently glide toward the car, but tripped over at least two hubcaps on the way. He also hadn't grasped the concept of car door locks, opting instead to rip it from the frame when it refused to open.
"You could have just asked me to open it," Sookie said, shaking her head.
"Isn't it more impressive this way?" The Geek returned.
Bill slid into the passenger seat, and took Sookie's lack of protest as an invitation, swooping in toward her neck.
"Back off, Buster!" Sookie screeched, pounding on his chest. "Do I have to be a bitch to you constantly for you to get the idea that I don't want to walk around with your bite marks?"
"Sorry, sorry," Bill held his hands up in surrender. "Someone spiked the TB fountain with AB negative," he said, screwing up his face.
"This day has been shitty enough without adding bloodlust into the mix."
"Why, what happened today?" Bill asked.
"It's my birthday. You guys probably don't care much about birthdays, huh? I mean, you probably stop counting somewhere after a hundred."
The proverbial lightbulb went on over Bill's head, and he began drumming on the dashboard, singing, "You say it's your birthday, nah nah nah nah nah nah..."
Sookie thwacked Bill's arm, "Cut it out."
"I saw the Beatles myself in Liverpool," Bill mentioned with pride.
"Too bad you didn't stay there," Sookie snorted. Looking over at the dejected Bill, she actually began to feel bad. "I'm sorry, it's just been a shitty birthday."
"How come?"
"My whole family forgot. No one even said happy birthday to me. I'm 21 today. I'm supposed to be out doing body shots until I can't even see anymore, right? Right?"
"I've heard that is the human custom to get... what do you call it... proper shitfaced?"
"Well, I'm not even improperly shitfaced."
"Would it make you feel better if I told you an embarrassing story? I wasn't always the cool dude you see now."
Sookie eyed him, "Okay, but I don't want to hear about any gay vampire-fairy sex."
Bill's eyes glazed slightly at the mere thought of a fairy, gay or no.
Bill took a deep breath (he's got that mainstreaming thing down) and mumbled, "I'veneverglamouredagirl."
Sookie arched a brow, "Pardon?"
He cleared his throat, speaking more clearly. "I've never glamoured a girl. My maker kept me on a pretty short leash."
Sookie stifled a laugh. "Well, I think that's okay. Glamouring is wrong, anyway."
"Tell that to my nestmates."
Bill concentrated on Sookie's face as he sent waves of power towards her, hoping she would be his first. He leaned in for a kiss, sure he had finally entered her mind, and Sookie recoiled.
"Uh, Bill? That didn't work."
"Not even a little bit?"
"Nope, sorry. Don't feel bad, though... I'm sort of saving myself for someone."
"Let me guess," Bill groaned. "LeStat."
"Do I look like a reality-challenged emo girl to you?" Sookie spat.
"No, but I do have this urge to douse you in water."
"I guess that's better than being covered in staked-vampire guck," Sookie mused. "Anyway, I was kind of hoping that the first time I get bitten, it would be with Eric--you know, big guy, Viking?"
"Seriously? Eric and I go way back! Eric's my boy! I mean, I'm sort of his boy. Great guy. Good with a sword. And I hear he's incredible in bed."
Sookie looked at Bill as if he'd gone nuts. What kind of vampire SAYS shit like that?
"Eric was asking me about you earlier, actually."
"He did not, you liar!" Sookie thwacked Bill again.
"Geez, so violent! He did, too!" Bill rubbed the arm Sookie had just punched, pretending it had hurt. Gotta stroke a girl's ego. "He asked if I was attached to you and said you smelled good. It's a vampire thing."
"Oh my god, what should I do? Should I go up to him and put my hair under his nose? Should I wait for him to come to me?"
"Hey, if you like the guy, I say just go for it. Take your passion and make it happen, doll."
"What a feeling! Eric Northman is into me!"
Sookie felt almost like doing a little breakdance right there in the autoshop. Almost. Instead, she leaned over and kissed Bill's cheek, then hopped out of the car.
"Hey Sookie?" Bill asked quickly.
"Yeah?"
"Do you know anything about high capacity portable storage mediums?"
"Like computer stuff? Not really. I just surf the Internet and do my homework."
"Oh. Well, these rewritable DVD-ROMs are really expensive, and I'm going through a ton of them for this database thing I'm putting together for my stats class, and..."
"And?" Sookie asked, impatient to go find herself a Viking.
"... and I sorta made a bet with the guys and can I please have your underwear?"
*~*~*
Back in the commons, Eric and Pam were once again sharing a slow dance.
"Eric, let's just get out of here and go over to your place. I told a few of the girls from the Fangtasia dance team to come over," Pam cooed. "I've even brought in a bunch of willing donors."
"Yeah, vapid cheerleaders and donors who are going to get trashed and have blood that tastes like Peach Schnapps," Eric retorted.
"What's your problem, Eric? Did you catch Long Shadow copying your econ homework again?"
Eric ignored her, looking around to see if Sookie had come back.
"Eric? Eric!" Pam spat. "You've been acting different. Is it someone else? You can't possibly be crazy enough to cheat on me, can you?"
"Of course I'm not cheating on you, don't be ridiculous."
"Well," Pam said. "Don't forget there's at least twenty other vamps who'd love to get a taste of me. They don't call me the 'best O Negative in the parish' for nothing, and you know it."
"Is that a threat?"
"It's a cold, hard fact. Colder than a Twilight vamp's pectorals." Pam sighed, "Let's just go before we draw swords."
Out in the hallway, Sookie was pacing back and forth, trying to figure out her best approach. She ran through a few ideas out loud.
"Hey Eric, smelled anything good lately?"
"Is that a dagger in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?"
"Hi Eric. I've brought take-out!" Sookie imagined herself in a giant carton with Chinese lettering.
Finally she tried, in a seductive voice, "Hey Eric... I had this dream about you and my shower..." and nodded her head in self-approval.
Sookie strode confidently toward the locker area where people had piled their coats, ready for 'Operation: Get Some.'
Eric, of course, picked this exact moment to stride in to pick up Pam's coat, and he smiled as he caught sight of Sookie. "Hi," he said in a friendly tone.
Sookie, unfortunately, froze up like a deer in front of headlights and made a sound that approximated, "Guh... er... su... ugh!"
Eric shook his head in confusion as she turned and fled, wondering if she really was crazy. He shrugged and left with Pam, who was already cracking jokes about whether or not Eric would be up for "doing the lift" tonight in his Jonny costume.
Meanwhile, a Geek had bagged himself a pair of panties, and word was traveling fast. This thong was going to be worth the price of admission. Bud and Andy were working that bathroom door like bouncers at Studio 54, collecting twenty bucks from every eager dork on campus, which they then delivered to the King of the Geeks.
Bill perched himself atop the urinal, grateful that when he was out of the presence of Sookie Stackhouse, his supernatural agility allowed him to avoid any mishaps. He stuffed the wad of newly-collected cash into the back pocket of his Dockers and slowly drew out Sookie's donated lingerie.
"Behold," he announced with an air of drama. "This pair of panties you see before you appeared as a whale tail just earlier this evening above the low-slung jeans of none other than Sookie Stackhouse."
A collective gasp ran through the crowd that had assembled. "Whale tail," somebody murmured. They were spellbound.
Bill grinned in triumph, realizing this thong could be more than just a crowd pleaser. This could be the ticket he needed to get into the after-party!
TBC
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A/N: This ficlet was written as part of the Support Stacie auction, in which fanfic authors offered stories written to the winning bidder's personal specifications. The auction raised over $25,000 in total to help support a fellow author battling cancer. To learn more about this cause and about future auctions, please visit:
supportstacie (DOT) net
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or stories from the Southern Vampire Mysteries – they belong solely to Charlaine Harris. No infringement is intended.