A/N: I would have posted this chapter two days ago, but I've been duped and/or frustrated by this tricky system of adding chapters and then trying to edit so it's eye-pleasing.

I *think* I have it figured out! (crosses fingers)

Esme's Floors

"Emmett Cullen!"

"I'm in here," Emmett told Esme.

Esme opened the bathroom door, not expecting to see Emmett sitting on the toilet with his jeans and boxers around his ankles.

Esme snapped her eyes shut and slammed the door. "What are you doing?"

Emmett grinned. "What does it look like?"

It looked like he was relieving himself. But he couldn't be because vampires did not need to use the toilet.

"You should lock the door if you're going to do that downstairs. Nessie might walk in and see you."

Esme thought he was…? Emmett laughed. "Esme, I'm not—"

"It's all right Emmett. Just please, next time use your own bathroom."

"Esme, really, I'm not doing what you're thinking. Jasper came up with a way to get rid of all that junk sitting in my stomach.

It kinda of back-fired." Emmett snickered and then snorted. Yeah, it had back-fired all right.

"Is that why I see dirty water all over my floors?"

"I'd offer to clean it up, but I'm not sure how much longer I'll have to sit in here..." draining.

Esme located Jasper and Reneesme in the backyard. They were looking at her camera and laughing.

"What's so funny?" She held out her hand and Reneesme gave her the camera. Esme shook her head and sighed.

She silently wondered if it was too late to sign them all up for summer school.

"At least we won't have to smell him anymore," Jasper said.

Esme handed the camera back to Reneesme. "Yes, but did he have to throw up all over my floors?"

Reneesme's mouth twitched. "That stuff? On your floors? It didn't come from his mouth." Reneesme and Jasper burst out laughing.

Emse stared at them until it clicked. Oh. That's why Emmett was sitting on the toilet.

"Somebody is going to clean that filth from my floors."

"One, Two Three, Not it!" Reneesme shouted.

Esme smiled at Jasper. "You know where I keep the mop and cleaning supplies."

Jasper mouthed cheat at Reneesme.

Or it might have been shit.

Reneesme didn't care as long as she wasn't the one scrubbing the watery waste from Emmett's ancient bowels off Esme's floors.

Emmett was bored. How long, exactly, was this going to take? How much water could one stomach and two intestines hold?

He could google it. Wait, no… he couldn't get up without making a mess on Esme's floors.

"I'm bored! Will somebody bring me some magazines or a book."

Emmett saw a magazine slide under the door and he grinned. "Thanks, Nessie."

He heard her shoes squeak and giggling as she ran off.

Emmett flipped open the magazine and discovered it wasn't a magazine. It was a catalogue.

Specifically, a Victoria Secret's catalogue. Emmett grabbed his cell phone and sent Jasper a text message.

Jasper pulled out his cell phone and glanced at the message. "I don't sleep, so you won't be able to shove," Jasper referred to the message, "half a cow down my throat."

Emmett swore. He wondered if vampires were susceptible to the effects of cold or allergy medicine.

He probably wouldn't find an accurate answer to that one on google. Maybe the Denali clan would know.

Nah, they probably wouldn't know anything like that, but the Volturi…

Emmett hung his head. He stared at is lap and was suddenly struck with a brilliant idea.

Rosalie said, "Alice will you answer that. It's Emmett. See what he wants."

Alice plucked Rosalie's phone from her purse as Rosalie admired herself in the full length mirror.

Alice pushed back the bridal veil she had on so she could look at the message: A photo message.

"Wow."

Rosalie turned, the bridal gown swishing as the layers slid against one another. "What?"

She reached for her phone. Rosalie glanced at the picture Emmett had sent. She deleted it and said, "Sorry about that, Alice." She quickly typed in a reply.

Emmett read the message and chuckled. Next time he'd send a disclaimer: For Rosalie's Eyes Only.

He wasn't worried though. Alice had seen it before and the shocked look on her face had been priceless. Emmett typed in a message.

Alice handed Rosalie the phone. "I think you'd better answer it this time."

Rosalie let out an annoyed sigh and scanned the message. She tossed her phone at her purse.

"Emmett wants to know if it's as impressive as the first time you saw it."

Alice pulled out her own phone and sent Emmett a reply.

Emmett read Alice's message and typed: YOU LIE

Alice sent back: Ask him yourself