Chapter One: A Starvation Diet
(Three days earlier)
He looked terrible; Sho thought with a wince as he peered over the top of the magazine he was pretending to be absorbed in reading. His companion, either not noticing or not caring for his sudden interest, was sprawled out on his leather cot-bed, one arm draped over his chest and the other hanging down over the side of the bed, his fingertips brushing the floor. His gaze was focused on the ceiling; his expression pensive and every now and again a soft sigh would escape his parted lips.
How many weeks had it been? To be honest, Sho was starting to lose count. It must have been at least three since Kei's last feed. He had always been thin and pale but this had been accentuated as of late. He almost too thin and his face was tired looking. His eyes weren't as bright and he rarely even cracked a smile anymore. Each time he moved it was with a monumental effort and even crossing the room was an exertion in the past twenty-four hours. Kei needed to feed and soon or Sho didn't know what was going to happen.
Kei had to be aware of just how much his starving himself tormented Sho. It had only become a regular feat in the later years of Sho's life and he just didn't understand why. There was always a certain amount of sadness hidden inside of Kei, no matter how much he tried to suppress it, but lately that sadness had turned into depression and he began to curse his existence again. Sho hated it when Kei talked about himself that way. Despite the very little that was said on the subject, Kei was the most important person in the world as far as Sho was concerned but that wasn't enough for him. Still he tortured himself this way. Tortured them both for it was agonising for Sho to watch. Once he had even offered Kei his own blood. Angered, Kei had refused but this offer had prompted him to feed that night. Perhaps he was scared he would lose control, Sho mused to himself. Although many times, Kei had sworn that he would never hurt Sho, a darker part of the younger man wanted to push the issue, to push the vampire over the edge and he wasn't at all sure why. He always felt guilty for thinking this way but seeing Kei lying there obviously starving hurt him more than anything. Sho couldn't understand why Kei hated himself so much. Kei had been his guardian when he grew up and now he was his best friend. He had been there for Sho when everyone else abandoned him. He had played such a big part in Sho's life and he had never been asked to. Sho had never asked him to stay that day. Kei had chosen to stay with him. That meant a lot to Sho. It meant more to him than anything else in the world.
Still he couldn't pinpoint the exact moment when his feelings towards Kei had turned to more than just friendship. Over time, Sho had felt himself become drawn to the vampire. At first he thought it was some desperate need to hold onto him when they both knew that Sho didn't need Kei to protect him anymore but lately things had been different. The feelings that Sho had around him were definitely not platonic. He began to find that, should Kei touch him, whether just by brushing passed him or the odd embrace as he used to when Sho was younger, his heart would speed up. So Sho, as much as he desired Kei's touch, flinched away, acted as though Kei's occasional displays of affection irritated him now that he was older but in actual fact he was afraid of where it might lead. Kei might hate him or, even worse, think that Sho pitied him.
This distance that he put between them wasn't good for Kei's psyche and Sho, deep down, wondered if this was the reason for his starvation. He desperately hoped that this wasn't the case.
For about five minutes Sho watched Kei, becoming increasingly aware of the tautness in his muscles and the discontented expression in his eyes. He needed to feed very soon.
Setting down his magazine, Sho broke the uneasy silence with: "Kei? Daijobu?"
Slowly the vampire's gaze turned to him and he titled his head slightly to the side to look Sho straight in the eye. "I'm fine," he answered but Sho caught a flash of his fangs that had unsheathed themselves and the blood on their tips. Kei had bitten his own tongue.
"No. You're not." He snapped in response, jumping up from the sofa. "Damn, Kei, why must you do this to yourself?"
A careful shrug of the shoulders was all he gained in response and this angered Sho further. In two strides he was standing over the cot-bed, grabbing Kei by the shoulders and hauling him into an upright position, shaking him slightly.
"Kei, please." His voice cracked a little when he felt just how cold Kei was to touch. Of course the vampire was not very warm naturally but now he was freezing, another side effect of going without blood for a long time.
"Kei." Sho repeated, suddenly realising just how precarious a position he was in. He was still, somewhat, leaning over the vampire, his jugular clearly in Kei's line of sight. Kei's lips had parted slightly to reveal his fangs and he ran his tongue over them, licking off the drops of blood as his eyes became heavy and unfocused. Then, without warning, he slumped forward into Sho's arms.
Instantly Kei relaxed and Sho uttered a small moan when he felt hot breath on his neck and seconds later Kei's tongue dragged gently across his skin. Sho tilted his head further to one side in encouragement and soon he felt pointed fangs pressing down against his throat.
"Sho." Kei whispered against his skin, "Sho…"
….
"Sho? Sho? You've been staring at me for the passed few minutes, what is wrong with you?"
Sho blinked a couple of times when he saw that Kei had sat up on the cot-bed and was looking at him with an expression that ranged from amused to irritated to concerned all in one look.
"I…" Sho blushed as the realisation hit him. His imagination had run away from him again. It was happening more and more lately when his concern for Kei not feeding overcame him. Sho would begin to imagine/fantasize about Kei feeding off him, drinking his blood. It was sick, Sho tried telling himself, but he couldn't help but want it anyway. No, he wanted Kei, Sho corrected himself. He loved Kei but knew that Kei could never return his feelings. If bringing out the vampire inside of his friend was the only way for Sho to become in anyway intimate with him then he wouldn't mind being bitten, he told himself, as long as Kei could keep a hold of himself that was. Yet Sho hadn't even dared to give this a try and thus it was all left to his imagination.
Kei shook his head in amusement when Sho failed to answer and he stood, but only to stagger slightly as he did so before making his way over to him.
"You need blood." Sho commented, going back to his original line of thought.
"I'm fine."
"No. You're not," Sho answered following his daydream dialogue for a moment before adding, "We have a job in a couple of hours. Promise me you'll feed then."
Kei chuckled and reached out to ruffle Sho's hair, "Don't concern yourself, Sho."
"Why not?" the younger man pouted.
"Because I'm not worth it," Kei answered, leaving the room before Sho had a chance to reply out loud.
But you are, Kei… you're everything to me…
The smell of blood was intoxicating. Somewhere amidst the carnage left by the twin guns that Sho effortlessly fired with a deadly precision each time, a feat taught to him by the vampire, the younger man checked body after body before moving to the office in the back of the room. This left Kei standing in the middle of the warehouse alone with the scent of blood invading his nostrils and making him weak at the knees.
Still he stood there, not moving. His guilt at being the monster that he was kept him from giving into the vampire's instinct, which was screaming at him to feed. Kami-sama knew he needed too. The fight had taken a lot out of him for Sho, as talented as he was with firearms, still needed back up. Toshi left Kei and Sho to collect the money from those who did not eat his pizza; that was how it had always worked.
The warehouse was more or less silent now. The only sounds that could be heard was Sho's footsteps and movement as he looked through the office and then, after a few minutes, he came back out with a wad of cash.
"Not a lot at all really," he commented whilst flipping one of his braids over his shoulder. He had grown his hair long when he was sixteen, Kei recalled fondly, and he smiled at this recollection. If there was one good thing that had ever come out of his curse it was that it had given him the chance to meet and care for Sho. The small boy who had saved him from burning to death, and then in turn whom Kei had saved from the Chinese thug, had grown into a young man with his whole life ahead of him, a life that Sho made clear that he still wanted Kei to be a part of.
Sho was also a very attractive young man now. Kei had long since noted this but kept himself cool and detached for it was easier than admitting to himself that he wanted Sho, that he was attracted to Sho, hells he even loved Sho but that was one path that he had sworn he would never walk down. It could never be. Sho would die and leave Kei behind. It was a cruel part of Kei's existence and one that constantly brought him pain. Starving himself made things worse but nowadays he just couldn't bring himself to feed unless forced. It was an endless cycle and one that pained both of them.
"Have you fed?" came Sho's expected question, although he already knew the answer.
"No."
"You promised." His expression faltered enough for Kei to see the crushed expression behind his eyes before he looked away angrily, "Damn it, Kei!"
"I'm not…" Kei started but trailed off when Sho grabbed hold of the nearest unconscious Chinese gang member and all but thrust him at Kei.
"Feed." He commanded.
Kei looked down at the unconscious man with misgivings and when he looked back up again, Sho had moved away.
"I'm going to wait in the car as there's nothing much else here." He called over his shoulder, "Don't come out until you've fed."
After he'd gone, Kei let the man fall to the floor. The dull thud echoed loudly round the warehouse. He shook with a combination of anger and frustration as his fangs unsheathed themselves. He wanted to feed but at the same time he felt as though he couldn't, not with Sho waiting outside for him. The monster inside of Kei was ever present but, for now at least, Kei's humanity overcame it. He couldn't eat. He just couldn't bring himself to end another life this way, even if the man did deserve such a fate. Kei's heart clenched at the thought of all the lives he had taken. Did any of them truly deserve it?
Before, the depression had been fleeting; a few days and it was lifted by either his own determination or Sho's concern for him. Lately, however, Kei had been feeling it more and more and he just couldn't shake off his thoughts of self-loathing.
Don't come out until you've eatenSho's words, almost a plea now, echoed in Kei's mind. He hated hurting Sho like this but he just couldn't force himself to feed. He couldn't shut off the emotions that were flooding him.
Turning away, Kei slowly made his way out of the warehouse and to the waiting car. Silently he slipped into the passenger seat. He could hide nothing from Sho, who looked at him with an agonising expression on his face.
"Kei---" he began quietly.
"I can't." Kei replied, shivering at the sudden weakness in his limbs. The fatigue came in waves and after a few moments it was passed.
"Kei, please."
Sho looked frightened now. Neither of them knew what would happen if Kei didn't feed. He couldn't die, that much he was certain of. He would continue to get weaker and weaker but any other side effects remained a mystery. A part of Kei had hoped for death but he knew deep down that starving himself would not grant him his wish.
"I can't." He repeated and Sho did not press the issue.
He wordlessly put the car into drive and they sped away down the dark street doing well over the speed limit. Sho tended to drive fast when he was angry.
Kei, for his part, felt too exhausted and hungry to care. He closed his eyes as another wave of dizziness washed over him.
He must have drifted off, for they were back in their part of the city when he next became aware of his surroundings. The car radio blared out angrily, another sign that Sho was upset, as they drove through the streets. Sho's hands that gripped the steering wheel were white and his concentration was poor. He took out the three trashcans outside the Happy Pizza outlet, where Toshi worked, just parking up. Sho switched the engine off and roughly tore the keys from the ignition. The car door was slammed loudly behind him as he got out and the car itself rocked slightly. Kei did not get out. This part of the evening was always the same. Toshi would come out and they would discretely divide the money between them. It was how it always worked.
True to this, Toshi approached, waving his hands at the toppled trashcans and complaining to Sho about his driving skills, or lack of.
"You shouldn't put them so close to the road." Sho retorted to this. "Baka." Was added as an after thought.
Toshi sighed, knowing he wasn't going to get anywhere and hurriedly picked them back up before his Boss could see what Sho had done.
"There wasn't much tonight." Sho began speaking in a lower voice but Kei, with a little concentration, could hear them perfectly. "It almost wasn't worth the cost of the ammo."
Toshi rolled his eyes. "You can't expect a lot every night. They're getting wise to us now. You really need to be more careful."
"So do you. Some of them were still awake!"
"Why are you so tetchy this evening? We got through it alive, didn't we?"
"No reason." Sho lit a cigarette and, grudgingly, offered the packet to his friend. "How much did you get?"
"Same as you. Even with the three way split it shouldn't be too bad."
"Good. Our landlord's been on our case for the rent for the past few days."
Toshi made no comment to this and they divided the cash hurriedly between them. The younger man moved nearer the car and tossed Kei a rolled up bundle of notes. Kei reached up to catch it but his reflexes were slow and he missed. The bundle bounced off the driver's seat and onto the floor.
"Sorry, Kei." Toshi apologised as the vampire leaned down to retrieve it. He knew that the miss would not go unnoticed, especially by Sho.
"It's okay." He replied as he grabbed the notes and stowed them away in the dashboard.
Sho gave Kei a look that ranged halfway between concerned and annoyed but Kei dismissed it. Toshi sensed some tension between the two of them but wisely kept out of it.
"Hey." He said, trying to make light of things, and just thinking of a way to do that. "Are we still meeting Son and Yi-Che tomorrow?"
Tomorrow… Kei mentally winced at this. Tomorrow they were supposed to be meeting their Taiwanese friends and hanging out for the evening. Sho had mentioned something about going to see a movie and that Yi-Che wanted to cook them dinner. Although they both knew about Kei, Kei always felt awkward with the group and thus had hung back a lot of the time. Yi-Che, also, felt a little isolated and so they often stood together and watched the antics of the others. Sho, Kei was well aware, had a crush on Yi-Che for he did not like Kei spending too much time with her. Of course, he had not come out and said it but Kei could tell in the way that Sho looked at them. There was envy in his gaze and a certain degree of jealousy. His feelings, however, were misguided. Kei had no interest in Yi-Che for his un-dead heart had always belonged to Sho.
"Yeah tomorrow's still good." Sho confirmed, and Toshi brightened.
"So I guess I'll see you then."
"Sure. I'll pick up around eight."
"Thanks. That'll be fine."
"Take care." Sho's laid-back and detached voice softened slightly as they said their goodbyes for the night.
"Just try not to kill any more trashcans on your way home." Toshi called cheerfully over his shoulder as he made his way back inside.
Sho laughed, but the jovial look on his face soon faded as he got back into the car. However, he did not say anything and the drive home was silent. They held no other conversation between them.
Sho felt as though he was at breaking point when they arrived back home. Kei retired to his cot-bed; sleep overcoming him almost as soon as he lay down.
"Kei---"
"I can't."
"Kei, please."
"I can't."
Sho didn't understand Kei's reason for this continued starvation. He had gone without blood before but this was too long. He couldn't carry on indefinitely, Sho knew. Tonight had been a good indication of this. He had summoned the strength to carry out the job but in the aftermath he could barely move. It was tearing Sho apart to watch this and there was nothing he could say that would force Kei to feed.
He hovered over the sleeping form of the vampire for a few minutes, taking in Kei's delicate and pale features in a sombre silence. If anything happened to him… Sho's heart clenched at such a thought.
Quietly, he went over to sit on the sofa and light a cigarette. Then, depositing the wad of cash from tonight's heist onto the low coffee table, Sho let out a soft sigh. They had the money for the rent but there were other bills to pay. With the Chinese gangs beginning to get wise to their activities, they carried out jobs with twice as many guards and used cash less and less. Yet it wasn't just the money. If the jobs dried up then Kei would be forced to hunt and Sho knew better than anyone how much Kei hated that.
But Kei didn't even feed from the jobs anymore, Sho reminded himself. Tonight had been only the latest refusal. Still the tiredness in Kei's eyes haunted Sho. It was almost as though he were giving up on life. Perhaps that was it? Perhaps Kei had, had enough as Luka had done? Would Sho one day wake and find Kei gone?
A low whimper from the cot-bed drew Sho's attention back to Kei himself. The vampire was tensing up; a sign that again the nightmarish scene of Luka's death was reliving itself in his tired mind. Sho had never asked what Luka was to Kei but he could guess; a mentor, a confidant and… a lover… Luka had been everything to Kei as Kei was to Sho and even after all these years, Kei still mourned his death.
Knowing better than to wake him, Sho stubbed out his cigarette and went into their little kitchen so that he didn't have to listen to Kei's soft cries. This act, to an outsider, would have seemed cold but for Sho to live with Kei as he was now, it was heartbreaking.