Chapter 15
CatPOV
Weeks were passing by. Some days were slow, others went by quickly. But the days were always sad.
I had nothing of my old life except pictures and surprisingly acute memories. I kept telling myself, this is your new life now but it couldn't stop me from daydreaming about working on the ranch with my dad or watching Brad work on my car. Even little things like driving to school or going to the grocery store were something I thought about often. I couldn't go about the mundane routine I had anymore. Who cares about how mundane they were; they were still a part of me.
Emmett tried hard, bless his heart. He did everything he could to try and make the Cullens feel like family and the big mansion feel like home. He even went as far as to buy a horse for me and keep it in the back yard, but Esme wasn't having any of that. I had to admire his determination. He kept finding newer and more creative ways to remind me of Texas or the life I used to have every day. I figured he would have given up by now.
Don't get me wrong, life here is really nice. I get along with everyone, even Jasper. Like any family, I fight with them. But there is always a lingering feeling. I feel like an outsider, an intruder always. The worst is at night, when everyone retires to their room with their mate. I usually spend that time with my headphones secure over my ears or just out of the house in general.
Last night I left and came back to the house just before dawn. I was grumpy because I couldn't find the kind of meal that I really wanted (grizzly… what else is there, really?) and I also tore my favorite pair of jeans. They weren't ruined; they were just a little grungier.
I came home and slipped in before I could run into anyone. I went into my bedroom, closed the door and proceeded to undress. I hopped into the shower and stood there for a while allowing the water to roll down my body. I'll always maintain that I do my best thinking in the shower.
I came out of my bathroom in a robe with a towel wrapped on top of my head. I walked over to my bed where I left my jeans. Instead of there being my favorite pair of jeans, there was a pair of form-fitting black slacks and a pink button up shirt.
"Alice…" I growled. I searched through all of my drawers and my closet to find my beloved pair of jeans. They were nowhere to be found. I threw on some Juicy Sweatpants, because that was the only thing acceptable according to Alice, and a green t-shirt. I roughly grabbed the clothes that were laid out for me and stormed out of my bedroom.
Edward, Bella, Jasper, Alice and Emmett were gathered in the living room waiting to leave for school. They were chatting softly and giggling at some jokes that Emmett was telling them. I found my target in the middle of their little powwow.
"Alice, what did you do with my jeans?" I asked unable to stop myself from getting angry. My skin was already starting to warm and venom was pooling in my mouth.
"I have no idea what you are talking about," she said with large innocent eyes.
"You know damn well what I'm talking about," I said, raising my voice slightly. My skin was now at a boiling point and I knew it would only take a little bit more anger before I full on burst into flames. I took the clothes that I had in my hand and threw them at her. "I certainly didn't pick these out. Now, for the last time, where are my jeans?"
Alice just shrugged indifferently. "I have no idea what happened to your ugly, ripped jeans. And you should thank whoever picked out those clothes. Not only are they more flattering to your body type, but they are also in one piece."
I was getting furious. With a stern and forceful voice, I said, "Alice, I have sat by and let you boss me around when it came to clothes thus far. But, I am not going to just be your little puppet and bend to your will like everyone else. Enough is enough. If you wanna dress someone up, be my guest. Bella does it without fuss, though it's obvious to everyone that she hates it. Now, last time Alice, where are my fucking jeans?!"
This time, Alice didn't even bother looking me in the eye. She stood there, picking at her nails. Speaking with a nonchalant voice, she said, "I don't know."
I lost it. In retrospect, there was really no reason for me to. I guess it was the product of all my sadness and isolation that caused me to go temporarily insane. The reason doesn't really matter now because it can't take back what happened next.
I growled at her ferociously and burst into my signature blue flames. Everyone instinctively jumped away from me. Venom was streaming out of the sides of my mouth as I continued my feral growl.
Jasper crouched menacingly and dove in front of Alice to protect her. It set off something primal in me and I leapt towards him. Before my fiery body collided with his, Emmett threw himself in between us. Our bodies rolled together and he threw me away from everyone else.
I didn't want to hurt Emmett. That would never be my intention, no matter the situation. So I ignored him and set towards my target, Jasper. Our eyes met and I took a step towards him. Emmett appeared in front of me.
"Catherine, stop, you don't want to do this." He held his hands in front of him to show me that he didn't mean any harm. He voice was soft, but it couldn't pull me from my insatiable drive to hurt someone.
I growled in response and threw him away from me. I heard the sizzle of his skin when it came into contact with me, but I didn't care. I once again found Jasper and continued on my mission. I could hear the screams from my family, but I paid them no mind. Someone needed to hurt as much as I did.
I grabbed Jasper around the neck and threw him down. He skidded away from me and was about to stand, but I was too quick for him. I knelt over her and pummeled my fists into his face. I hit him once, twice, three times. I was going for the fourth when I felt a large hand wrap itself around my wrist and pull.
I blinked and found myself thrown across the room. I landed on my back and slid away from Jasper. I jumped to my feet, prepared to attack again. The sight that met my eyes stopped me in my tracks.
Emmett stood in front of me in an offensive crouch. He was growling loudly and his eyes were wild with anger.
"You will not hurt my family," he spoke with a low, frightening voice. It was enough to snap me out of my crazed mental state.
The flames that had consumed me smothered as my shame grew. I straightened my back and looked in the eyes of the people that I had been calling my family for the past few months.
Bella and Edward had mirrored looks of pure shock. Alice was bent over Jasper and looked at me with the saddest expression. Jasper's face went back and forth from agony to anger. I could tell the wounds I had inflicted were already healing. But it was Emmett's face that broke my heart the most.
He looked at me as if he didn't even recognize me. His breathing was labored and he was still tense, ready to kill me if necessary. His fists were tightened and his eyes were black.
"Oh God… what have I done?" I whispered. I turned and ran into my room. I shut the door behind me and began to pack a bag. It had to be small and I threw all the necessities in it: a few changes of clothes and some pictures.
The door opened and Alice walked inside. "Things will be better for you."
I looked at her incredulously. "How could you possibly think that?"
She said nothing, but merely tapped her head. She threw my jeans at me, the ones that started the whole mess.
"You knew?! I could have killed him, your husband! How could you?!" I felt the familiar facial constrictions that came before crying, but the release would never come. There were no tears for the damned. "Why do you always have to meddle?" I groaned.
She smirked at me and I thought I heard something that sounded like, where have I heard that before?
"Make sure you say goodbye to Emmett." With that, she turned and walked away. I heard her say, Leave, and heard four pairs of footsteps walk out of the house.
I took in a deep breath, took one last look around the room that I had come to call home, and left. Emmett was sitting in the front room. His head was in his hands and his shoulders were shaking. When he heard my approach, his head lifted so that he could look at me. I had never seen such an anguished appearance on his normally carefree face.
"I am so sorry," I said, my voice dripping with sincerity.
"I failed you," Emmett said. He stood up and wrapped his arms around me.
"No, don't say that," I begged as I felt his body shudder around mine.
"I was supposed to keep you safe. I just wanted to be in your life, to be your family. Instead, I'm driving you away." My heart broke with every quivered word he spoke.
"I will see you again, Emmett. This isn't goodbye. It's more like a see you later."
He pulled away from me and looked at my face. He examined every feature as if committing it to memory. I did the same. I would see him again… right?
"Where will you go?"
I shrugged, but I knew full well were I was going. I just couldn't tell him.
"Be careful. Stick to deserted roads. Travel at night so you won't run into as many humans. And for God's sake, Catherine, don't start any forest fires!" A small smile graced his pained face.
"I won't hurt anyone anymore," I said solemnly. I wrapped my arms around his waist and squeezed tightly. Before I lost the nerve, I ran out the front door. I couldn't even to bring myself to look back.
I followed Emmett's advice and for two nights I stuck to back roads and deserted highways. During the day, I would hunt to make sure that I was fully satiated just in case I ran into any humans.
I reached my destination early my third day of traveling. I stopped at the end of the familiar dirt road. I could see the ranch in the distance. I scanned the perimeter to make sure there was no one awake and walking around outside. I estimated that it was about 3:30 in the morning, but I couldn't be too careful. Especially here, at the home I left in Texas.
I ran up the dirt road, unable to contain my excitement. I was finally going to see my father for the first time in almost a year. He wouldn't see me, of course, but I still couldn't stop myself from being happy.
I was hit with the smell of their blood and I held my breath. I stopped in my tracks to make sure the monster inside of me wouldn't rear her ugly head. She didn't, thankfully, but I still held my breath.
I approached his window and peered inside. He was snoring lightly and grunting in his sleep. The clock next to his bed said it was 4:45. Nice to see I still suck at guessing the time, I thought.
As I watched him, I noticed that his hair was getting a little grayer and thinner. He still had it long. Normally, I was used to seeing him in a ponytail, but as he slept, it tucked itself neatly behind him. It wasn't frizzy like mine was before the change, but we shared the same waviness. He twitched in his sleep and his breathing became a little uneven as it approached 5:00. His alarm rang, deafening the silence. He groggily rolled over to turn it off then made to get off the bed. I knew Brad would be getting up soon as well, so I ran to his window before he could.
I knew Brad got up about 15 minutes after Dad to allow him time in the bathroom. I stifled a small laugh as I saw Brad lying on his back with his arms thrown out to his side. His comforter was twisted and covered his stomach and thighs. His legs poked out crookedly from underneath. His mouth was open and he was snoring loudly. I smiled at the sight.
At 5:15 his alarm rang and he shot out of bed. His eyes, wild from just waking up, scanned the room. "Who's there?" he slurred.
I knew he couldn't see me, but I still backed away from the window. I could see him breathing erratically. It slowly calmed and he smacked himself in the face. "Get a grip, McCarty. She's not there." He climbed out of bed and added softly, "She's never there."
He headed towards the bathroom, so I walked towards the kitchen window. Dad was already there. I watched as he started breakfast and sipped slowly on his coffee. Brad joined him 15 minutes later dressed and washed.
They grunted their greeting and Brad sat down at the kitchen table. Dad set a plate full of eggs and sausage in front of Brad then sat down with his own plate. They ate in silence for a moment.
"Dad?" Brad said breaking their silence.
"Yes, son?" His tired eyes met Brad's. I could see from my hiding place the bags underneath his eyes made him look ten years older.
"I'm going to visit Catty today. Do you want to come?" Brad looked hopeful.
Dad shook his head and returned his gaze to his food. "No son, you know I don't need to. I see her every night when I sleep. I know she's always with me."
Brad looked crestfallen, but it only lasted for a second. A stoic face replaced his former expression. It made him look different, much different from the funny, boisterous Brad that I know and love.
"Do you mind if I go before chores?"
Dad nodded. It was a final nod that said discussion over, eat your eggs. Brad finished his breakfast quickly and headed out the door. I followed behind, trying to remain as stealthy as possible. He jumped into his Civic, the one that looked just like mine but was in a deep blue color. He sped away.
Thankfully, he took the back road that was lined with a small forest of old oak trees. I followed beside him, making sure that I stayed far enough away. He pulled into the tiny cemetery that I knew so well. Our mother was buried there.
When his back was turned, I ran in behind him and hid behind the Chapman mausoleum. He walked to the plot right next to my mothers. There were still pictures and candles on the grave. I choked a little when I saw the bouquet of flowers Brad had in his hands. They were of the lilies that I loved.
"Hey, Kitty Cat," he said as he rested the flowers on top of the headstone. He looked as though he was calm and collected, but the façade crumbled as he ran his hands over my name engraved in the cold granite.
He collapsed and laid himself over where he knew the casket would be buried six feet below him. "Oh, Catherine," he sobbed. "Why? Why, why? Why did you have to leave me?"
I threw my hands over my mouth to stop myself from crying out to him. His pain was crippling and I cursed myself for my ultimate act of selfishness.
"What could I have done to make you stay? I tried so hard." His voice was breaking on every other syllable. I wanted so badly to run away from the sight, but I forced myself to commit the sight to memory. It was a punishment I richly deserved.
His crying carried through the still morning air. After a few minutes, the sobs slowed. He hiccupped and sat up. He rested his head on the headstone and threw his arms around it. He squeezed it as though it were a lifeline. One last sob escaped his lips before his took the back of his large hand and wiped his eyes. He grunted in frustration.
"Crying like a goddamn baby. What would she say if she were to see me?" He kissed the top of the headstone and stood up.
"Enjoy the flowers, baby girl. They'll be the last. Don't be mad, but I can't come here anymore. It kills me to see you like this. I'll be good, don't worry about me. I don't feel you around me like Dad does, but I… I hope you're there. I love you, Kitty Cat."
With his hands clenched into desperate fists at his side, Brad turned and walked away. Before he hopped into his car, he took one last fleeting look at my grave. He elicited a painful gasp and got in the car to drive away.
I couldn't follow him. I couldn't see any more of his pain. I felt like a part of me was dying inside. There was no way I could fix this. Only time could at this point. I just had to give him time. But I made a promise to myself to stop by at least once every six months to check on him. I knew he wasn't prone to stupid decisions like I was, but one could not be too careful. Right now, his wounds were still fresh. I could only hope that next time I see him, he would be doing better.
I squinted as the first of the morning rays hit my eyes. I would have to run deeper into the country to find a decent meal.
After I brought down a few deer, I climbed a tall tree in order to sit and think. I couldn't help but think of my dad's famed "Thinking Stump," a stump of an old pecan tree that he liked to sit on when he would ponder some of his biggest decisions. The memory made me smile.
I leaned against the giant trunk and let my mind wonder. Where to from here? I thought about what Alice had said about my life being better once I left. It sure didn't feel better at this point. Maybe my happiness would come from my next decision.
Where could I go? Certainly not back to the Cullens. Who else do I know?
Chance. I could see Chance! He was with Jacob in La Push, Washington. I didn't know exactly where that was, but heading northwest was certainly a start. I know he said to call before I came, but I didn't have a phone. I guess I would just have to drop by unannounced. It was kind of rude, but what harm could it be?
I waited until nightfall to begin my journey. I couldn't let my eagerness to see my best buddy in the world cloud my better judgment. As I waited impatiently for dark, I pictured Chance's whirling tail and excited grunts. Sometimes he sounded more like a pig than a dog. I knew he would be as happy to see me as I am him.
Because I wasn't quite sure of where to go, I made it to La Push late on the third night. I was able to find a rest stop in Washington that gave me the exact location of the small town. I traveled through the thick forests until I began to smell the familiar smell of dog. I have no idea why it smelled so bad to everyone else; to me the smell reminded me of home with the best friend a girl could ask for.
The smell started off faint and I raced towards it. The stronger the smell became, the harder I would run. I was excited and laughing wildly.
A deep, throaty growl stopped my descent. Before I could get closer to the border, and ultimately to Chance, a large black wolf jumped in front of me.
Before I could even think of my reaction, I burst into flames.