Chapter Twelve: The Ocean
Sho was aware that he was still shaking as he left the apartment. A small part of him was questioning the wisdom behind his decision to leave but after Kei had gone back to sleep, he felt that the best thing would be to let Kei get his rest; that they could talk more tomorrow. So he decided to drive to Son and Yi-Che's apartment. They would all be waiting for him after all.
I lost control
Kei was so often warning him of the monster that he claimed he was and for the first time when Sho entered the apartment, when Kei had looked at him and not truly 'seen' him, he had felt afraid of him. Yet despite it all, he was still Kei and all Sho's previous thoughts and considerations left him. He had gone to Kei without any thought of his own safety. He still trusted Kei completely and nothing could break that, not even after what he had seen.
For the second time in days, Sho had held Kei and he felt something different about their last embrace. Despite all the pain that Sho knew Kei was feeling, the vampire had calmed. Before he would become upset and call himself a monster but this time he hadn't done either of those things and Sho had not known what to make of it. He knew that Kei would be feeling hatred towards himself but he had held his silence and Sho again debated turning the car around and driving back to their apartment.
But he might want some time alone…
This thought nagged at him and prevented him from doing what his first instinct was telling him to do.
He reached Son's apartment without mishap but it took him about half an hour to enter the block and then knock on the door. Still torn by misgivings, Sho didn't know if he wanted to see his brother at the moment.
You have to sooner or later he imagined Kei pointing out to him as he often did when Sho's stubborn streak prevailed. Kei was nearly always right, and as much as Sho did not wish to admit it, he knew that Kei would say the same now.
Finally Sho knocked on the door. Son answered it and greeted him with relief and hurriedly ushered him inside.
"Where have you been? We've been worried about you," were his first words.
"I'm fine," Sho answered, preferring not to answer the question of his whereabouts. He still felt very shocked by the side of the vampire that he had seen, a side that he never knew existed, and Sho didn't feel like sharing this encounter anytime soon for he felt sure that Son and the others would not be as trusting as Sho was.
"Are you sure?" Son was still regarding him with some suspicion. "There's blood on your jacket," he observed quietly after a few moments pause.
"It's not mine," Sho dismissed him in a non-committal fashion, leaving the Taiwanese to merely follow as he moved into the living room.
Shinji was seated on the sofa and Yi-Che was beside him, although she got to her feet upon seeing Sho. She appeared shaken and Sho felt a pang of regret that he had gotten them, albeit unintentionally, involved in all of this. Son's injuries, her fear… all of it was down to him.
Chan's dead now. Perhaps with his death this can all end…
Somehow, Sho didn't believe this. He had a horrible feeling that it was only just beginning.
"Nii-chan?" Sho wasn't sure how to begin. The last words that were spoken between them were done so in anger and Sho wasn't sure how they could get passed this. He had known that Shinji hated Kei, he had always done, but Shinji had to accept that Kei was a part of his life and always would be.
"Toshi went out to look for you," Son said quietly. "I'd better call him and tell him you're here."
Yi-Che also left the room; the two of them obviously feeling it would be best if they let Sho talk to his brother alone.
"He took you away from me. I became obsolete in your eyes. Because of my leg I couldn't protect you anymore but you'd already found someone else for that hadn't you? Even now you'd choose him over me any day. I can see it in your eyes. You'd rather be with him right now than have this conversation with me!"
"Shinji, please--"
"The truth's hard to hear isn't it? Well let me tell you something else. Do you think I haven't noticed the way you look at him? It's very obvious that you're in love with him and that sickens me. I'm leaving and you can't stop me. In fact, I don't want anything more to do with either of you. Ever."
"I'm glad you're safe," Shinji broke the silent between the brothers, although he kept his gaze fixed on a point on the floor rather than meet Sho's gaze. "I would have looked for you but…" he grimaced slightly. "I figured I'd be the last person that you'd want to see."
"You're hurt," Sho moved towards the sofa and sat down beside Shinji, feeling equally as awkward. The angry words spoken between them still caused him pain and he just couldn't forget them, no matter how hard he tried.
"I'm sor---"
"Don't," Sho cut him off abruptly and his brother did look up at him now.
"Sho--"
"Don't," Sho repeated firmly. "Don't tell me you're sorry and you didn't mean what you said because you did mean it. You meant every word of it, didn't you?"
"Not all of it," he answered softly. "I didn't meant the part where I don't want anything more to do with you. You're still my little brother, Sho."
Feeling at a loss, he simply shook his head, unsure of what to say. He always liked to act tough and he knew that Shinji did also. Even though they were family, Sho couldn't quite ever bring himself to say exactly what was on his mind. Usually they would fight, harsh words would be said and then they would forgive each other. This time it was different.
"I'm going to try and make things better," Shinji continued, the expression on his face revealing just how difficult this was for him also. "I'm clean and I intend to stay that way. I'm also going to try and work things out at the store. Put in regular hours and such."
"That's good," Sho answered him. He tried to sound as positive as Shinji appeared to be but he had heard all this before from his brother. Many times Shinji had issued him with empty promises that had never amounted to anything.
"I mean it this time. I want to start over."
"Then it'll please you to know what you no longer have to worry about Chan; he's dead."
"Dead?" Shinji repeated, his eyes widening a little in shock. "Sho, you didn't--?"
"No. Kei did."
"Of all the stupid--"
"He did it for us. He made a deal with Jian. If he killed Chan then we would be left alone to get on with our lives. That precious new start you keep talking about? Kei gave up everything to ensure that you got it."
"And I suppose now I should be so grateful to him that I forget about everything else that's gone on?" Shinji returned angrily to this.
Sho shrugged and stood up, "That's up to you but if you really intend on starting over then I suggest that you accept that Kei is a part of my life and I'm not going to change that just because you don't like it."
"I don't like the way he looks at you," Shinji admitted quietly. "He'll turn you into a monster if you let him."
Unintentionally, Sho shivered, recalling those few moments where Kei had come so close to feeding on him. He had seen that look before sometimes also and Sho, deep down, despite Kei's assurances that he would never turn him, could keep to this promise. Sho even wondered if he secretly did want Kei to break it one day.
"I trust Kei," he said at last when he realised that Shinji was still looking to him for a response.
"Fine," Shinji replied to this with a sigh. "I don't want us to fight anymore, Sho."
Sho understood what he was trying to say and knew that he would never get Shinji to accept Kei, let alone like him, but his brother would tolerate the fact that Kei was a part of Sho's life.
It's very obvious that you're in love with him
This would also remain unspoken of, for it was something that Shinji would never understand and Sho didn't wish to dwell on the matter in any case. He fleetingly recalled the kiss that he and Kei had shared and how they had now put it behind them as though it never happened. Whereas a part of Sho felt relief at this, he also felt disappointment and sadness. He'd had girlfriends in the past but they meant nothing in comparison.
It seemed a little moot to consider approaching the subject again with Kei. The vampire knew how Sho felt and even though Sho suspected he knew the reasoning behind Kei's unwillingness to pursue the issue, he would leave things alone. Especially when he recalled the state that Kei was currently in.
Maybe I should go back to the apartment and check on him…
As Sho processed this thought, he suddenly felt light-headed. He stumbled back into the sofa and Shinji caught his arm to steady him whilst yelling for Son and Yi-Che.
"I'm fine," Sho snapped, trying to pull away from his brother. "Just a little dizzy, that's all."
"You're exhausted," Son pointed out as he and Shinji forced Sho to be seated on the sofa. "You should take things easy for a while. I'm sure Yi-Che will make you something to eat."
The Taiwanese girl nodded shyly to indicate that she would.
"Kei," Sho shook his head, hating how weak he suddenly felt. "He wasn't too good earlier. I need to go home and check on him."
"I'll call him," Shinji, much to Sho's surprise, offered. "I've got to start talking to him again sometime," he added when he saw the look of shock on everyone's faces.
"Okay," Sho reluctantly agreed. "Tell him that I'm here and that I'll be back before dark."
"Sure," Shinji replied to this.
After this conversation, time seemed to get away from Sho a little. Shinji went into the kitchen to make the call and Yi-Che also went to start making him a sandwich. Son sat down next to him and tried to make conversation but Sho found that he could hardly keep his eyes open. The fatigue came on suddenly although he tried as best he could to resist it. After a few minutes it became too much and the last thing he remembered clearly was thinking that it would hurt for him to have a quick rest.
When Sho woke, he was momentarily disorientated and it took him several seconds to remember where he was. Startled, he sat up, his vision finally coming back into focus as he struggled to adjust to the gloom. The drapes were partially open and he could see the lighting sky outside. Dawn wasn't long away now.
Just how long have I been asleep for?
Glancing around, Sho saw that he was still in Son and Yi-Che's front room, on the sofa, and that there was another person asleep in one of the chairs.
"What time is it?" Sho demanded as he roughly shook the sleeping person.
"Argh! Sho!" Toshi complained as he started at the suddenly contact. "You scared me," he grumbled, wincing as Sho switched the lights on. Shinji had been asleep in the other chair but had also woken up now.
"What time is it?" Sho repeated urgently.
"I don't know," Toshi snapped irritably. "Just after 4am I think."
"Why did you let me sleep for so long?"
"You were tired so we figured we'd let you get your rest," Shinji commented to this.
"Does Kei know I stayed over?"
Shinji shrugged. "There wasn't any answer when I rang before."
"WHAT?" Sho rounded on his brother, feeling his temper flare at this information.
"I left a message on your machine. It was the morning so I thought he'd be asleep," Shinji defended himself.
At this point Son and Yi-Che had come out of their respective bedrooms and Son was asking what was going on. Sho himself couldn't understand his worry but something was telling him that he needed to go home. Now.
"I'll see you guys later," he said as he grabbed his jacket and headed for the door.
"Sho--" Shinji started but Sho was out of the apartment before his brother could finish his sentence.
The drive back had to be the shortest on record and Sho was convinced that every camera in the district had caught him speeding. However, none of this mattered to him. He felt so panicked that he could hardly stand it and he just didn't understand his reasoning for it at all. On the way he had tried to call the apartment but the answer machine was still switched on.
What's going on? For a moment… you acted as though you didn't even know me. The apartment's a mess. There's blood all over the floor, over your clothes… over you
Sho left the engine running when he finally reached their apartment block. He raced up the stairwell, taking two or three at a time. When he reached their apartment he was shaking so badly that it took him three tries to open the door. His heart was beating almost painfully fast when he finally got inside.
Sho ran into the front room, silently pleading for Kei to be on his leather sofa bed as usual and berate Sho for charging about like an idiot and for waking up the neighbours. However, the bed was empty and the bloodied clothes from earlier were still on the floor where Kei had left them.
"Kei?" Sho called out as he went from room to room searching for the vampire.
It's okay… he's just gone out to feed. I'm sure he'll be back soon
Sho came to a pause outside of Kei's bedroom. Unlike Sho's own, Kei's room was always kept tidy. The bed was always made and there were never clothes strewn all over the floor. It appeared the same now but something else had occurred to Sho and he was desperately hoping that he was wrong.
Kei very much guarded his privacy as he did his past, however, Sho knew where he hid certain belongings to do with his past life. It had been an accidental discovery on Sho's part. He hadn't gone looking but he had lost one of his favourite shirts and he had wondered if perhaps it had got mixed up with Kei's things instead. The vampire was still asleep and Sho had been reluctant to wake him so he decided to go and have a quick look in Kei's wardrobe to see if he could see it in there.
It was then that he had found the small wooden box. Sho had seen it once before. When he decided as a boy that Kei could live with them, the vampire had returned one night with it. He had never said what was inside although Sho could guess that it was to do with Kei's past. That day, having being faced with it again, he hadn't been able to resist the temptation to take a quick look inside.
A part of Sho had been hoping that there would be more clues to Kei's past. Although he understood why Kei wished to keep this to himself, it had never stopped Sho wondered and temptation had got the better of him that day.
There hadn't been much really. There was an old cigarette case, not unlike the silver one that Kei usually carried round with him, a watch, a couple of other trinkets and two badly faded pictures. The first one was a six-inch copy of a painting. It was of a middle-aged couple and although Kei appeared more Gaijin now than true Japanese, the resemblance to him was still there and so Sho had guessed that the couple must be his parents. It also gave an inkling as to how old Kei really was and Sho couldn't deny that he was shocked when had he turned the picture over and read the date '15 July 1885'.
The second photo was in colour, although faded, and had been taken in Japan. Sho recognised the landmark building in the background as the Tokyo Tower for he had seen photos of it before. The day had obviously been overcast and it had been raining before the photo had been taken. The first man in the photo was Kei and his appearance was similar to how he looked now, although his hair was slightly longer back then. The Kei in the photo was smiling, although his gaze was more directed at his companion than the camera. The other man was older and Sho had always figured that he must be Luka. Luka wasn't looking at the camera directly either. His gaze was more fixed on a point out of the photo. A faint smile was touching his lips but it didn't reach his eyes. It was as if he already felt that he had lived too long.
Sho had put the box back without ever mentioning it to Kei. After a time he felt bad for having gone through Kei's private things but he was also glad that he had seen a little of the life that Kei had, had before. Up until then, Sho had thought that Kei was the sentimental type.
It was now that Sho thought of the pieces from Kei's past and he raced over to the wardrobe, yanking the doors open and rummaging around until he found that box again. Sho brought it out and tipped the contents onto Kei's bed. He remembered every single item and it didn't take him long to see what was missing. The photo of Kei and Luka was gone.
Kei… no…
Sho fled the apartment in a panic as the terrible realisation dawned on him. The reason why Kei had seemed so calm when Sho had left him and the reason that the photograph was missing.
I should never have left him…
Sho was dialling Kei's mobile number as he left the apartment block. He didn't think he'd even bothered to shut the door on his way out but nothing else mattered at the moment. He felt as though he couldn't breath. His world was crumbling around him and there was nothing that Sho could do.
That isn't true. I'll find him. I'll find him and stop him…
So lost in these panicked thoughts was he that Sho barely registered when he was grabbed roughly from behind. He yelled in surprise when his attacker twisted his arm behind his back, causing him to drop his phone onto the concrete.
Sho gasped in pain, although some shock touched his face when he recognised the man that he was now forced to face.
"Sho," Jian greeted him with a cold smile.
Kei could not remember a time when he had last felt at peace with his eternal life. Even with Luka he had always felt something, whether it was need, longing or even regret. His emotions had always been a torment for him, even in those early days when life was more appealing. They had later morphed into something darker and when Luka began to reject Kei and the life that they had together, Kei had felt as though he had turned a page in his own history. When Luka had taken his own life, Kei had hated him for being so selfish and this hatred had been such that he had carried it with him for a long time. It was only after Kei met Sho that he began to understand why Luka had taken his life and Kei could see that past repeating again.
The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Sho.
It had been dark when Kei awoke. He felt stronger thanks to the feed and now that the vampire nature was repressed, he was able to think clearly again.
Sho was still out when he left the apartment and for this Kei was glad. With Chan gone, Sho no longer needed him and Kei felt as though he had now done everything that needed to be done. There was no longer any point in him carrying on. He had seen Sho and his friends through to adulthood and now they would have to start taking care of themselves.
Now he would begin to hold Sho back and stop him from living his life as he was supposed to. When Luka first turned Kei, Kei had been angry that Luka had stolen his human life away from him. Kei could see that history had a very real chance of repeating itself and he didn't ever want that for Sho. He loved him too much for that.
So it was time to let it all go. The waves broke gently against the sand and already the pre-dawn chorus was starting.
Kei stood on the shore, staring out to a point on the horizon. He could almost feel Luka's presence beside him and he slipped the photograph that he had been carrying into his coat pocket. Even though he could feel his vampire nature resisting, he now had the strength to repress it. He had done so many terrible things. The world had now entered a new era and monsters from legend were becoming more irrelevant as the old tales were forgotten by time.
He had seen too many ages and now grew weary of them all.
"Kei!" He, at first, fancied that he imagined Sho's voice as he stared at the lighting sky. The sun had yet to break through but it was only a matter of time. Then the cry of pain that followed drew him back from his reverence and Kei turned back towards the shore and his tranquillity vanished in a heartbeat.
Sho slumped down into the sand, reeling from the blow that Jian dealt him. Two others flanked the Chinese man and both of them had reached for their guns.
Kei felt his heart clench at this sight. He had not wanted it to be like this.
Jian stepped forward, aiming a swift kick to Sho's ribs as he passed, forcing the younger man down again. The look of agony on his face was more than Kei could bear so he concentrated on the advancing enemy.
"We had a deal," he said steadily, keeping one eye on the approaching dawn.
"We did," Jian's smirk made him feel uncomfortable. "And I am afraid I have to admit that I intended to go back on it, well in part anyway, but when Sho was kind enough to tell me where I would find you, I discovered that you are being so kind as to do my job for me."
"You wish to kill me."
"My position is in question. Killing you will ensure that my men are never disloyal to me. I will surpass even my father. He has killed many men, many rival gang leaders but he cannot lay a claim of killing the immortal."
Kei felt a spark of panic at Jian's words, not for his own life, but for Sho's. Jian would never let him live, not after this. Sho managed to get to his feet, but remained where he was standing, unable to take his eyes off the scene unfolding before him.
"So," Jian's cruel smirk never left his face as he shifted his gun into his hand. "We're going to wait for this sunrise together, and if you try to escape," he raised the weapon so that it was in line with Sho's head, "I'll kill him."
Kei…
"We're going to wait for this sunrise together, and if you try to escape I'll kill him."
Sho found it almost impossible to breathe as Jian raised his weapon but this was not the source of his panic. A part of him couldn't believe that this was happening. Every fleeting memory pained him as much as the lighting sky did in that moment. Kei was the most important person to him in the world and now it looked as though Sho was about to lose him.
"Kei, run," Sho called desperately, tears almost blurring his vision as he pleaded with the vampire. "Save yourself." Of course he knew it was hopeless. Kei hated his eternal life and he wished to die no matter what.
"Put down the gun," when Kei spoke it was not to agree to Jian's demands. Sho blinked back more tears and stared at the vampire in shock as his gaze became cold.
Jian laughed shortly at this. "Do you really think you're in a position to be making demands? I know that sunlight will kill you. All I have to do is wait."
Kei's eyes narrowed and he took a step towards the leader of the Chinese gang.
"Stay back," Jian warned, cocking the gun as he did so.
Kei had once said that he could out-run a bullet and, true, Sho had seen him dodge them many times but never before had he seen Kei actually race against one. He had wondered if the vampire had been simply showing off, but as he registered the gunshot, Sho dearly hoped that Kei had been telling the truth after all.
Still, Sho squeezed his eyes shut and waited for the pain.
He uttered a grunt of surprise when Kei crashed into him. The two of them fell back into the sand; Sho wincing a little from the fall as he landed on his back with Kei sprawled on top of him
They lay that way for a moment. Sho breathed deeply, feeling relief that Kei had got to him in time. Yet his relief was short-lived. Kei pushed himself up off of Sho and placed himself between the two men. Casting a glance over Kei's shoulder, Sho saw that it was almost dawn. Kei couldn't afford this standoff; he had to do something.
Jian had taken his gun and already his men were closing in on them. The situation was hopeless and Sho hated being this defenceless. He wanted to help Kei but there was nothing he could do. If he moved then Jian would kill him.
Jian was well aware that he had the advantage and a smirk formed across his face as he pointed the gun at Kei's head. Sho yelled at Kei to move but Kei didn't. A shot rang out and Sho closed his eyes.
Kei…
It was only when two more shots followed in quick succession that Sho opened them again. To his shock he saw that Jian was sprawled in the sand. His gun hung limply between his fingertips. He was dead. His companions had met a similar fate and suddenly there was someone beside him urging him to stand.
"Son?" Sho asked in confusion, not understanding quite how his friend had reached them so fast.
"We followed you," the Taiwanese man said in answer to this unspoken question. "When you left my apartment. We saw Jian catch up with you and followed you both here."
"It was a good thing we did too," Shinji interjected as he appeared in Sho's line of vision. "Now come on, let's get out of here."
Sho nodded and stood, although his gaze was focused on Kei. The vampire appeared hesitant and Sho felt a stab of fear run through him at this. The sun would be up at any moment. "Kei, come on."
"Sho--"
"Kei," Shinji surprised them all, not least Kei, by reaching out and grabbing the vampire by the arm. "Just get in the car. There's been enough death for one day, don't you think?"
Kei's eyes narrowed a bit at this but he complied with Shinji's request and followed them to the car, where Toshi was waiting.
"I borrowed it from a neighbour," Son said by way of explanation. "And I promised I'd get it back to him before he has to go to work so we need to hurry."
Son got into the passenger seat and Sho ushered Kei into the back before getting in beside him. Shinji climbed in after him. Son had left a blanket on the back seat and Sho made sure that as much of Kei as possible was covered by it before they set off back to Son's apartment.
"What about those guys?" Toshi asked, referring to the carnage that they had left behind them. "Won't Jian's gang now be after us?"
"I don't think so," Son answered him. "The word is that many of Chan's old gang aren't happy with Jian and his dealings. He wasn't a popular leader and there were already talk of plans to have him replaced. I'm sure whoever steps into his shoes won't be interested in tracking us down."
"There's no witnesses anyway," Shinji added to this.
"That's good," Toshi said with a sigh of relief. "I don't know how much longer I could take all this running for."
Just get in the car. There's been enough death for one day, don't you think?
The rest journey back was completed pretty much in silence and Sho couldn't help but mull over Shinji's words. He was of little doubt that they had swayed Kei into coming with them and Sho couldn't quite believe that Shinji would do that for them, especially as he knew how his brother felt about Kei. Sho felt hope at this, hope that he and his brother really could make amends as Shinji had indicated earlier that he wanted to.
Son parked the car as near to the apartment as he could and went on ahead and opened all the doors before Sho helped Kei out of the car. The vampire's silence was worrying Sho but he tried to put that out of his mind as he helped Kei reach the safety of the apartment without mishap.
Upon their return, Yi-Che was waiting anxiously just inside the doorway. She silently hugged Son and quickly ushered them all inside. Kei discarded the blanket at this point and slumped down into an armchair whilst the others hovered behind him. Even Sho felt unsure. His first reaction was to shout at Kei for inwardly he was partly furious that the vampire was going to leave him after all that they had been through. However, part of him also wanted to help Kei. Sho knew that he could never fully understand what Kei went through but he hated seeing him suffering so much and it frustrated him to think that he was powerless against it.
This, combined with everything, was fast becoming too much for Sho. He just didn't know what to do anymore. He couldn't lose Kei but Kei made it seem as though it were the most selfish thing in the world. He had too many conflicting emotions bottled inside of him right now.
Equally, his friends didn't seem to know what to do or say in this situation. Even Shinji was being uncharacteristically silent. In the end it was Kei who was the first to speak and then it was just to state that he was tired and that he just wanted to get some sleep.
"You can use my room if you like?" Son offered but Sho cut him off by snarling out:
"Like hell you do. We need to talk, Kei."
"When you're like this?" Kei answered quietly as he got up. "We'll talk this evening, Sho."
"Kei--"
"Leave it, Sho," Toshi caught his arm when Sho took a step in Kei's direction.
"Fine," Sho snapped as he shook Toshi off of him. He didn't know how much more of this he could take. Kei didn't say anything more to this and merely retreated to Son's room. Sho sighed to himself and refused to meet his friends' worried gazes. He just didn't know what to do anything. How on earth could he convince Kei to live knowing that Kei loathed his very existence? Perhaps he was the selfish one, Sho thought angrily to himself, but he knew that he had to try. Kei had been a part of his life for too long now and he had to find a way for the vampire to see this no matter what.
Not a word was spoken between them as Sho unlocked their apartment door and stepped inside. Kei followed him in equal silence. Habitually, he had woken as soon as darkness fell and once he was awake, Sho had announced that they were going home. Kei felt too disheartened to object to this, despite concerns from their friends that they might be better off staying at Son's for another night. They didn't trust him, Kei knew, and this didn't really surprise him. After recent events he didn't even know if he trusted himself anymore.
He had been ready to die. He had felt as though everything had closure and then Jian's appearance had completely shifted his focus once again. In those fleeting moments when Sho's life had been in danger, Kei had found that he had something to live for, but it was hope in its own falseness. He couldn't remain Sho's protector for the rest of his friend's life. What kind of existence was that for either of them? Sho had to be allowed to fend for himself and if his choices ended up in his death then Kei knew that he had no right to interfere. It was the human lifecycle after all and he had been so foolish as to think that he could change that.
Kei went over to his sofa bed and sat down upon it, watching as Sho opened the drapes to allow some moonlight to filter into the front room. Sho stood by the window for a while, seemingly lost in his own thoughts. He had calmed a little from this morning but by the tenseness in his posture, Kei knew that this wouldn't last for long. Sho had always been over-emotional when it came to the vampire.
"Why?" was his first question and one that Kei knew that he could not deny him an answer. A small part of him was angered that Sho even had to ask when he knew how much living like this pained Kei.
"I'm tired, Sho. I can no longer live like this. It's killing both of us."
"So what, you were just planning on giving yourself to the sun without even saying goodbye?"
"Would you have let me go?" Kei countered with as he raised his head to meet Sho's gaze. There were tears in Sho's eyes, although he held them back for now at least.
"Of course not! But we both know I couldn't stop you! Gods Kei, how many times do I need to say this to you? I don't care how many people you kill; you do it to survive!"
"You might not care but I do. I'm a monster, Sho."
"No, you're not. A monster would kill without restraint or compassion."
Kei almost laughed at this statement. "You know nothing about it, Sho. You could never understand what I have to go through."
"Don't," Sho snapped as he approached Kei. "Don't you dare tell me I don't understand? I've lived with you for years, watching you torture yourself. I can't even remember a time when you haven't torn yourself apart over what you are and I just wish that you could see yourself how I see you. I don't see a monster, Kei. I never have."
Blood… all around him, coupled with the scent of other humans. Kei could smell the unconscious woman inside the apartment and he took a step towards the door. He was almost there when he detected another scent. Snarling, Kei whirled around at the sound of someone calling his name.
The human who dared approached him did not flinch as they locked gazes and somewhere deep down Kei recognised him, even though he could not awaken enough of his humanity to recall the man's name.
"What have you done?" The human cried out, visibly sickened at the carnage.
"Haven't you?" Kei asked softly, and he winced when Sho was forced to look away. "I lost control, Sho. You saw what I did and if that happens again… I cannot risk it."
"You won't," Sho declared stubbornly. "I won't let you get to that point again."
"Sho, you are grown up now. You don't need me and I'm just weighing you down," Kei said with a heavy sigh. He was growing weary of the same discussion. It was a tired argument and Kei found it almost too painful to speak of now.
"Damn right I'm grown up now," Sho agreed as he reached Kei. He sat down beside him before speaking again. "And I don't need a minder, but I don't see you as that. You're my best friend, Kei, and in that respect I will always need you. I love you."
This declaration did not stun Kei as it had before but, in truth, it terrified him. He held similar sentiments for the younger man but this was how it had started before. He wanted to deny that he felt the same way. In order to prevent history from repeating Kei knew that he had to tell Sho that he didn't feel the same way, that all he wanted was to die, but this was now an untruth. He wanted to be there with Sho. He wanted to stay with Sho. Those moments when he thought that he might lose him had affirmed this. Despite his earlier misgivings, Kei felt hope returning and his depression did not fall so heavily upon his shoulders.
"Sho," he began as he felt the younger man's gaze on him once more. Kei could hear the rapid beating of Sho's heart and this only served to remind him once more that he could never be human. He had seen so much in one lifetime, perhaps too much, but after Luka he never thought that he would find someone who could see passed what he was and see the human he had once been.
"This is how it began with Luka. I loved him and he turned me into a monster. I… I could do that to you one day. Even though I've always sworn I wouldn't, I might not be able to stop myself."
"Do you think I haven't considered that? I have but I trust you, Kei. You need to have more faith in yourself."
Kei laughed bitterly at this statement. "What if I can't?"
"You can. You couldn't have looked after us all of these years otherwise."
"Sho--"
"I know it's difficult for you," Sho said as he got up from the bed and moved back towards the window. "And don't go telling me that I don't know what it's like again because I do. I've watched you torture yourself for more years than I can remember, but if you'd really wanted to die then why wait until now?"
"You were growing up and needed me."
"We were getting on fine before you came along. You know what I think? I think deep down you don't want to die, not yet."
"This morning I did," Kei admitted quietly. Never before had they talked like this and he had always imagined that it would be awkward between them if they did. Now, however, he felt that the words flowed easier between them. After everything there was no need for this pretence that they had, had before. "I felt as though there was nothing left. Then Jian tried to kill you and…" and it made me realise that it wasn't enough for me to give you your life, that I wanted to be a part of it still.
"And?" Sho prompted him when Kei lapsed into silence once more.
"I realised that I don't want to die," he finished quietly. "But I've killed so many…"
"To survive," Sho said to this. "And if you continue to dwell on it then it will kill you."
"And if I don't then I will truly be a monster."
Sho shook his head. "You're determined to beat yourself up over this aren't you?"
"I kill people, Sho."
"So do I, so I guess that makes us both monsters," Sho pointed out.
"But you--"
"Stop making excuses."
Kei looked away, partly feeling a little anger that Sho was so dismissive but partly feeling relief that he saw things that way. Perhaps Sho could see things clearer than Kei could after all?
His focus had momentarily been elsewhere and so Kei was taken a little by surprise when Sho rejoined him on the sofa bed. This time, Sho wasn't hesitant and pulled Kei into an embrace. Despite his misgivings and worries, Kei returned Sho's kiss, feeling the heaviness that had weighed upon him since this all began beginning to lift slightly. Neither of them was under any delusions that this was going to be easy. Kei had lived this way for too long to simply change his thinking over-night but somewhere he felt it, a faint spark of the life that he had lived so long ago and the person that he had been then beginning to return. There was still the question of Sho's mortality but Kei chose not to dwell upon this. Before he had met Sho, and after Luka's death, the months passed in a blink of his eyes but only because there had been nothing worthwhile in his life at that point.
Kei had seen so many ages and so much history, but he had always watched lifetimes pass him by from a distance. Now things were different.
"Sho," he murmured as they parted to allow the younger man breath. "I love you, too."
End.