Hazard

Love was a hazard.

Carefully carrying the two paper bags full of groceries, Mac drew aside to make room for the woman with the twin-buggy who walked toward him on the sidewalk. Sometimes it was amazing how automatically a body could react to its surroundings even if its mind was making its way through something much more difficult than just traffic.

On a normal day, Mac Taylor wouldn´t waste much thought on his love life. Basically, because his job kept him too busy than to care about anything else than solving crimes . At least that was what he kept telling himself since Claire died - that he was just too busy for love. That his job fulfilled him, that he was satisfied with his life like it was and, of course, that he wasn´t lonely at all.

Because love was a hazard. Something you couldn´t control, which could push your heart around like a blizzard, which could throw your body in the air to play with it like the wind with a leaf.

And yesterday he had learned the hard way, that love will get to you whether you deny it or not. It didn´t play a part if you commit that love. You could lie to yourself as much as you like, you could keep telling yourself that she is just a friend, that you don´t care which man she dates as long as she is happy. You could tell yourself that your urge to protect her isn´t stronger than your wish to protect every other member of your team. You could pretend that you don´t need her although you miss her whenever you´re not next to her. But at the end of the day all those lies wouldn´t change anything. You would still feel the same about her. He would still feel the same about her and whenever he was unobservant for only a few seconds his hidden feelings hit him full force, crushing him under their weight like they had when Stella had taken that bullet for him.

He loved Stella.

Mac nearly bumped into a tall black man wearing a black trench, as he suddenly stopped right in front of him, because the traffic light in front of him was red. Disbelievingly Mac shook his head.

Love was a hazard indeed.

He had been so caught up into his thoughts that he hadn´t even realized how close he had been to crossing a busy street. Being struck by a car was the last thing he needed right now.

Because he loved her and yesterday he nearly lost her and he freaked and now she was waiting for him in his apartment, wearing one of his shirts, because her blouse had been covered with blood and yesterday he had nearly lost her. And he loved her and he wanted her to stay in his apartment forever, because this way he could keep an eye on her and she would be safe and he wouldn´t freak out like he did because he wouldn´t ever have to watch her getting hurt again and he loved her and wanted her to wear his clothes every day so everybody else could see that he loved her and would know that she was his, but she wasn´t and she would leave him and his clothes and his apartment because she didn´t love him, not like he loved her. And she would be out there vulnerable and she wouldn´t allow him to protect her because she hated to be saved and-

Being struck by a car was the last thing he needed right now. His mind was already a mess, he didn´t need his body to follow suit. The crowd around him started to move again and Mac followed, losing himself in his thoughts again, while he walked down his street to his apartment.

He loved Stella.

And now, since lying to himself to make it easier him to bear with it was no longer an option, he needed to find a way to handle it.

His heart started to race, as if nodding in agreement, when he saw her awaiting him at his doorstep.

She stood in his doorway, holding the door open for him, her left hand on the doorknob and her right one holding some sheets of paper. Mac sighed. It was so typical of her! She was still recovering but already doing some paper work.

"Shouldn´t you stay in bed?" he asked, concerned, although he couldn´t suppress a smile. The fact alone that Stella, his Stella, was waiting for him to return was enough to make his joy pour out of him. He knew he shouldn´t interpret too much into it, he knew he couldn´t keep her, that she would leave to live her own life again as soon as she had recovered. But right now she was there, standing in his doorframe, her hair tousled, her face still pale but her eyes sparkling and waiting for him and he couldn´t help but smile.

"Nice to see you too," Stella replied, grinning briefly, then turned serious. "Why did you throw that in the trash?" she asked then, waving the paper sheets in her hand, which he now recognized as the report he had thrown away yesterday evening. In a flash his smile disappeared, leaving him behind not knowing what to say.

What would be an appropriate answer to that? That he hadn't liked the style he had written it in?

The look on her face told him she had read it already so she wouldn´t buy that lie even for a second because she already knew the truth.

So Mac didn´t say anything, he just passed her by silently, making his way to his kitchen where he put the paper bag on the counter to unpack it.

"Why did you throw that in the trash?" Stella repeated after she followed him into his small kitchen.

His gaze focused on the bright orange carrots in his hands. He knew he held them too tightly and should place them into the fridge for later use, but he couldn´t bring himself to move. He knew also, he should face her and tell her the truth so they could get over the embarrassment that surely would follow. He already could picture her shocked face when he would tell her that he loved her. Their discomfort while they would figure out how to move on after his confession... "You could´ve died." he uttered instead.

That was true. She could´ve died and he freaked and that was why he wrote the report and poured his feelings into it like the silly mad man in love he was.

"Mac?" Stella frowned at his answer. That hadn´t been the answer she had expected. She had hoped he would say something like 'I love you but I couldn´t tell you so I had to write it down'. Of course that hope had been utopian. Of course she should´ve known that Mac was far too complicated to admit something like that so easily... Well, but a woman could hope, couldn´t she? But now, as she watched him unpacking those stupid paper bags just to avoid her, it occurred to her that he wouldn´t make it easy for both of them. The tension in his shoulders and the tight grip around the carrots in his hand told her that. Why was he acting so repellent? Had she misread his report? Had she only seen what she had wished for?

"Why did you throw yourself into the line of fire?" he asked eventually, still facing the vegetables.

She wrapped her arms around herself to suppress a shiver as the memory played itself out in her mind again. "If I hadn´t you would be dead now."

Finally he looked her in the eyes, locking his gaze with hers. "That´s my point."

"Excuse me?"

Avoiding eye contact again, he remained silent, but one carrot broke in his hand under the pressure of his grip. Now really worried, Stella stepped next to him.

"Mac, put that down, please." Unfolding her arms, she placed a hand gently onto his shoulder to gain his attention. "Look at me. What´s that all about?"

"You nearly died because of me." He stared at the broken orange carrot in his hand before he let it fall onto the counter.

"Mac, that wasn´t your fault.-"

"I don´t want you to ever save my life again." he said sternly, shaking her hand off and stepping away from her, using the carrots as an excuse once more as he carried them to the fridge. "Not like that. It´s not worth that." He spoke into the cold air of the open fridge which brushed over his skin.

As if freezing, Stella wrapped her arms around herself again. "That´s not your decision to make." Her words were as certain as his.

"It´s my life. I don´t-"

"It´s my life too, Mac," she cut in quickly. "And it´s my decision to make who´s worth risking it for."

"Why do you have to be so damn stubborn?" he snapped, while he turned to face her again with anger sparkling in his blue eyes.

"Don´t change the subject." She felt how he seemed to slip further and further away from her even if he was just a few feet from her. Her shoulder started aching again. "Why don´t you understand?" she asked helplessly.

"Understand what?"

'That I love you and that if I even see the slightest chance to keep you from getting hurt, I would always go for it' She gulped, afraid that her confession would only scare him off. He already looked as if he was just waiting for the right opportunity to escape from this situation, this discussion, from her... "You´re in my dreams too." Even under these words he flinched. Before she knew what she was doing she walked over to him, her longing to touch him becoming too strong to bear. "I nearly lost you yesterday, Mac."

He opened his mouth but she hushed him with one of her long fragile fingers lingering on his lips. "No, let me... If I hadn´t..." she struggled for words but feeling his skin under her finger soothed her. She took a deep breath before she stared fresh: "If that bullet had hit you, it would´ve killed you... Didn´t you ask yourself why I agreed so fast to stay at your place last night?"

Unable to say anything he just stared at her.

"Because I wanted to be near you. You-" She wanted to continue, but his shaking head stopped her.

"Stella. You scare me." His voice trembled.

"I beg your pardon?

"You scare me, Stella. To be honest: You scare me more than anything else in the world."

"Oh... I..." Startled, Stella didn´t knew what to say.

"I´m scared I'll lose you." His gaze was fixed on the tiles on his kitchen floor. "I´m scared you'll die during work, that I'll lose you like I lost Claire which would kill me. I´m scared you'll find a man you could be happy with which is insane because I want for the most in the world that you´re happy even if you need someone beside me to get there but I´m scared I'll lose you. I´m scared that you'll find out you´re so high above me, that I don´t deserve you, that you'll stop keeping up with all my crankiness and leave me and you scare me because... I never felt for someone like I felt for you. Not even for Claire..." he gulped uneasily, finding the right words and saying them out loud was probably the hardest agenda he'd ever had. "When…when I lost her, I nearly died but you brought me back to life and... Sorry, I..." He shook his head. "I nearly lost you yesterday, Stella. I love you too much to lose you."

For the second time that day, tears were streaming down her face, but she couldn´t care less. "You´re my best friend, Mac," she spoke up, her emotions nearly overwhelming her.

Her voice was barely a whisper but the sound of his breaking heart rang in his ears. "I don´t mean just as a friend Stella, I mean-"

She shushed him once more with one finger placed on his mouth. "No, please let me finish this before I lose my capability to speak." He nodded slightly, his lips brushing her finger during that movement and causing her to shiver. "Mac, you´re my best friend, you´re the only real family I´ve ever known. And yesterday I wanted to be with you so I could assure myself with my own eyes, that all I lost yesterday was some blood. You know why I slept so peacefully last night? Because your scent filled my nostrils every time I took a breath and reminded me that you´re still here with me. I need you to be here with me, Mac and..." She inhaled deeply as Mac captured her hand with his, pressing a gentle kiss against her palm. His eyes were watery. He didn´t cry, of course, but a single tear escaped his left eye and rolled down his cheek.

The same love Stella had heard in his voice and his words before was now written all over his features, making her heart skip a beat.

"I love you," she said then, her words leaving no room for doubt. "I love you, Mac Taylor. You´re my best friend, my family and the only one I want to share my life-"

He sealed her mouth with a gentle kiss, nothing more than his lips lingering on hers oh so softly. Interrupting her speech was rude, but he couldn´t resist. Their lips barely touched before he drew back leaving them both staring at each other and lacking for words but with sparkling eyes.

Yes, love was a hazard, love could shake your bones and break you in half like an earthquake could rip open the ground and tear your world apart but nothing like love could make you feel this good either.

So Mac bent forward to kiss Stella again, longer this time, at his own peril, risk and hazard.

The END

"We have a natural right to make use of our pens as of our tongue, at our peril, risk and hazard." Voltaire


A/N: A big fat THANKS again to all those who reviewed to the last chapter. I hope you liked this last one too and leave me a little comment again.

NEWSFLASH: The CSI:NY-Fanfiction-Awards started again. You can find the link to the forum on my profile or you could just check out the CSI:NY-Forums to find it yourself xD (Uhm... just one little suggestion: Review before you leave? Remember, it´s what keeps your author posting. - And no, I´m not weird just because I talk about me in third-person. I´m just practicing for the day I will rule the world.... xD)