Charlie slid into the booth. He was about to go down the rabbit hole. The bar was what people described as a dive - dark, seedy, reeking of cigarette smoke and stale beer. The vinyl seats made him sweat along his thigh through his very expensive suit, reminding him of those long hot summer days sitting in a radio car with Bobby in that lovely navy blue polyester LAPD uniform. This was the kind of place that when you left made you feel like you needed to shower with a Brillo pad to get the scum off. The man he was meeting would feel completely at home here.
Dillon Boone was a Class A pervert, doing time in solitary because even in prison there are rules. One rule is that child molesters are the bottom rung of the ladder in the prison caste system. Even murderers and rapists revile them. Actually, they are below the bottom rung; they are the dirt under the foot of the ladder. They must live out their time in solitary, because "everyone has family" and child molesters prey on children – a sin even amongst the demons that inhabited Pelican Bay.
Charlie met Dillon Boone during one of his many stays in the prison hospital; they were roommates for a time, because if they want to get to you – they can get to you – even in solitary. Boone was amicable and good at basic conversation until Crews learned what he was in for. Child molesters turned his stomach, but Charlie put two and two together and realized that a little girl doesn't end up missing, with no one looking for her - unless she was off the grid. Boone knew how to make children disappear – he'd done it successfully eleven times before he was caught. Boone was part of an elaborate ring of pedophiles that took children and then sold them online at auction to other like-minded aficionados.
As much as the thought revolted him, Crews was beginning to think the amount of fury applied with the baseball bat was related to the reason for the crime - Crews thought that reason was Sarah.
Sarah could be one of those invisible children passed amongst pedophiles, held in captivity for some times years. And she could have been one for further back than Crews would care to guess or Sarah could remember. Something in her affect made him think she was different, than other kids her age – although come to think of it he had no experience with kids her age – or kids of any age, but Sarah's peculiar ability to remain still and quiet; coupled with her near prescient ability to communicate through her eyes were both traits Crews believed pointed towards a child not accustomed to contact with other children, but only with adults.
The way she reached out to and connected with Dani and was shy, distrustful and defensive with men, pointed to victimization. Charlie began to realize that Sarah's trust in him, was contingent on Dani's. She trusted only Dani. He suspected Sarah was procured, used and perhaps left behind when she hid from the killer – in his haste not to be caught. Sadly, children were considered expendable to these types of criminals.
He wrestled with telling Reese his suspicions, but concluded she did not need to be burdened with his dark thoughts just yet. Maybe he was wrong – that did happen –just not very often and almost never about this stuff. One in four little girls are molested Charlie thought - about how closely and quickly Dani and Sarah bonded and it led him to wonder about what kind of things happened to Dani Reese as a child. Things he'd rather not think about.
The doorway split open and light poured in from the outdoors as Boone sashayed into the bar. Boone was out of prison because he'd served his time, but he was far from reformed. He only agreed to meet with Crews, because he feared him and Charlie intended to use this as far as he had to.
"Detective Crews…. Detective Charlie Crews… LA PD" Boone drew out the title like he was announcing a title match in a prizefight. "So what brings you from your expensive house in the hills, down here to see lil ole Dillon?"
"Sit down, Boone" Crews said sternly.
"What no love for your old roomie from Crescent City?" Boone chided.
"I need information, Boone." Crews pronounced and offered the other side of the booth to him. "It's worth something to me."
Boone slid into the booth, the vinyl squeaking and cracking with his movement and listened as Crews asked difficult, uncomfortable questions about how he and his friends did "business". Boone enjoyed sharing his predilection for children with like minded souls, but he knew Charlie Crews was not one. He listened, danced around the truth and then finally Boone asked what the Detective really wanted.
"I want to know if one of these children is found…how could we find out who they are? Where they came from? Who they belong to?" Charlie explained.
Boone was silent for a long time, pursed his lips and then said somewhat proudly "You can't. Most don't even remember their families. They've been under so long, they no longer remember anything about before. Some can't even remember who they belonged to last. I was always nice to my kids, but some guys….." he trailed off recalling a dark fantasy that made Charlie nauseas.
"Focus, Boone." Charlie said tersely through clenched teeth. "What happens when they grow up?" Crews grimacing with discomfort.
"They don't." Boone said letting the comment hang between them with it's implication heavy and dark in the dim light of the bar. "When they get too old…well, they just aren't worth keeping and if you can't find some other collector who wants them…well…." Boone wasn't going to admit to a cop they killed them, but he all but said so.
"Look, if you've rescued one of these kids, unless they have DNA on file somewhere - that you are lucky enough to stumble upon… these kids….they are ghosts… They are no one." Boone smiled darkly. "But if you are telling me you found one of them, I could help you out…" he offered.
Charlie's head twisted suddenly and violently to the side and he lashed out a vicious right across the table. Boone's nose spouted blood and he lolled sideways in the booth. "No one is no one." Charlie said remembering what Reese said about the Lena when Roman threw her out the window. Thinking about Dani made Crews want to see her and he walked out of the bar into the sun setting in the LA sky and drove to find his partner.
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Dani Reese was beyond anxious; she was raging like a hurricane. She stormed around her house, randomly cleaning and rearranging things to stay busy, before she gave up and began breaking stuff. She was suddenly, irrationally and uncontrollably angry; somehow throwing plates just made sense at this point. When she ran out of those she hurled glasses against the wall and at the large sliding glass door until she ran out of those. Spent she collapsed on the floor and let go the tears she'd been holding back all day, maybe all week, perhaps for years.
Charlie arrived as the last of the glass was being broken and thinking she was under some sort of attack, kicked in her front door, gun drawn ready for anything, but what he found.
He found Dani Reese wracked by tears, crying so hard she was barely able to breath. Her breaths came in gulps as she sat awkwardly on a floor littered with shards of glass.
It took him a moment to understand she'd done this on her own. The rage she felt went far beyond Sarah, but it was not something she would share, not yet, he knew this was deep into Dani's psyche. The thing that drove her self-destructive bent was buried in her past, a past they did not share and could not change.
But they could more forward - they could make a better life – for themselves and maybe for Sarah too.
Charlie holstered his pistol and gingerly stepped through the glass crunching under his feet. He lifted Dani by her elbows, she was so light and pliable, once vertical he swept an arm under her knees and lifted her off the ground. He carried her from the remains of her apartment and took her home. Dani did not speak the entire trip and he thought she was asleep until he risked a glance and saw the same thousand yard stare he'd seen before – shock. She was in shock.
Charlie carried her from the car to his house and up the circling staircase to his bedroom. Sweeping back the duvet he placed Dani gently into the center of his bed, stripped off his jacket, socks and shoes and climbed in beside her, gathering her close and soothing her to sleep. Her breathing evened out and she drifted off, leaving him alone with his thoughts.
Charlie inclined his head to look at his small, dark haired partner. She was so fierce and tough on the outside and so very fragile underneath, like spun sugar wrapped in concrete. He was certain that he loved her, but not certain that he understood her – then his own words from their first days together echoed in his mind "you don't have to understand here to be here", making him smile and he kissed her softly. She mumbled his name and snuggled tightly against his side.
Charlie considered his own demons, the ones he wrestled with on a daily basis. His heartbeat quickened in confined spaces, sometimes in a stairwell or even in the interview room, which was why he stood near the window, while Dani stayed centered behind the desk face to face with the suspect. He had to remind himself – this was not prison, this was just an ordinary room or space. He tried not to let it limit him, but he detested locks and fences and gates. He needed space and wide open areas like his massive home.
Were he and Dani ready for this? Right now they were both doing their level best to stay upright and on course in their own lives. Their relationship was new and still growing, but they both brought so many fears and foils with them. What he was considering would change everything for all of them…. Could they really do this?
Didn't Sarah need someone patient and kind and open to heal properly? Neither Dani Reese nor Charlie Crews could be described as particularly open, definitely not patient in the least and only some times, with great effort, kind.
He looked down at the sleeping form of his partner and brushed hair from her face and examined her closely. She was so perfect and yet so flawed – but those flaws gave her uniqueness and depth. Only the tortured can truly appreciate another's pain he thought. He looked at his own scarred arms and pale skin in contrast to Dani's olive complexion. He was beaten and broken in places, those breaks healed but left scars on his body and in his heart. They were far from perfect parents, but that is what he was contemplating…wasn't it?
Could they have that future he imagined? Could they grasp that happiness and hold onto it? Attachment caused suffering, but not being attached meant losing touch with some or possibly all the people in his life. Maybe Zen was not the answer to all questions. Maybe it really did take faith and leaps to prove that faith. Charlie gathered his will and prepared to leap and hoped Dani would leap with him.