Stupid Squall. Why does he always get to be the leader? If it wasn't for that gunblade, I could totally kick his ass. Stupid Squall with his stupid gunblade.

Zell looked across the train compartment at Squall, who was alternating between flicking his hair out of his eyes and polishing his gunblade. Again.

Who the hell thought that would make a good weapon? It's almost like gluing a bottle rocket to an arrow. Sure, it looks good on paper, but when you actually try it, you've blown a hole in the kitchen wall and your mom is chasing you upstairs with a meat cleaver.

His mom still laughed about that one.

How the hell does he even lift that damned thing? He must be totally ripped from years of lifting hairspray and gel to do his hair. And come to think of it, how does he keep his hair so...fluffy? Float spell, maybe?

"...and he killed all three of those meanies at once! He really is a hero!"

"What?"

Rinoa cupped her hands over her mouth and yelled, "I said, HE REALLY IS A HERO!"

"No, I wanted to know what he killed." Zell knew that Squall was a hero. He didn't need Rinoa to tell them all, again, that her boyfriend was the savior of the world.

"Oh. Well, I don't really remember. I just sat back and let Squall and my itty witty Angelo handle the whole fight. I was much too weak to actually pay attention, Zell. After all, Squall is my hero and he saved the world! You remember don't you? I mean, you were there during the whole..."

Rinoa prattled on, recounting again their adventures during the Sorceress War as she watched Squall polish his gunblade. Tch. It wasn't like Squall was the only one to do anything. And if it hadn't been for saving Rinoa's ass so much, they could have saved the world before lunch. Stupid Rinoa. Sure she was friendly and all, but he could only handle so much idiotic chirpinessbefore he wanted to punch her in the eye.

He agreed with Quistis. Somebody like Rinoa was better left in outer space. After all, the great vacuum of the cosmos couldn't hold a candle to the emptiness that existed in Rinoa's skull.

Glancing to his left, he noticed the instructor was chuckling as she pored over the mission notes. At least somebody remembered that they were on a mission and not some silly adventure. Why couldn't Quistis have been the leader? Sure she was fired because Garden thought she lacked leadership qualities, but at least she didn't become romantically involved with their clients, like some gunblade wielding pretty boys he knew. And he remembered exactly what happened during that field exam in Dollet. They might have died if it hadn't been for their lacking-in-leadership skills instructor and her big-ass machine gun. "Psst. Quistis...hey!"

"Hmm? What is it, Zell?"

"So where are we supposed to go once we get to Deling City?"

Quistis angrily tossed the assignment in the seat next to her. "I have no idea. It simply says to retrieve Almasy from a top secret location, take him to Garden and begin his rehabilitation." Though I still don't understand why we have to fetch the bastard anyway. It just seems like a silly way to ensure that all of the players are onstage for another performance featuring the Centra Orphanage Revue.

"Well, does our fearless leader know where we're going?"

"I doubt it."

"So, we have to..."

"Hey guys! What are you talking about?" Rinoa plopped down between Quistis and Zell and tried to regain her spot as the center of attention. "That was very rude, you know. I was trying to tell you a story and you started talking to Quistis."

"But I..." Zell looked to Quistis for help, but she just adjusted her glasses and prepared to listen to another Rinoa-centric ramble. There seemed to be a lot of those...

"But nothing! It's not like she can even tell you a good story like I can! I've done a lot more in my life than she's ever done. I ran away from home..."

I graduated from SeeD at fifteen...

"I trained my dog how to fetch..."

I was an instructor at seventeen...

"I joined a resistance movement..."

Because you have daddy issues and you wanted to piss off your father...

"I dated Seifer..."

Good on you...

"I met Squall and fell in love..."

While dating Seifer, I might add. Convenient that you dropped the poor lad after he introduced you to Cid and you were able to score the SeeD operatives you required for your inane assassination attempt. And wasn't it lovely that you started dating Squall only after he saved your ass the first dozen or so times? Ugh...bloody damned whore.

"I was rescued from space..."

Yes, we all know. I saved his fucking life and he still wouldn't give me the time of day, but he could climb on a fucking spaceship and rescue your sorry ass. Again. I'm glad I finally got over THAT little insane period in my life. I'd go mad if I had to rely on him to save me every time I needed a jar of mayonnaise opened.

"I was turned into a sorceress..."

Yes, but you still send your dog into battle for you. It's a good thing the animal rights activists haven't learned of your attack dog...

Yet...

"And now I'm riding with my hero on the way to get Seifer and return him to Garden..."

Zell and Quistis were both an instant away from cramming Rinoa into a storage bin when Selphie and Irvine raced back into the SeeD compartment, sweaty and panting. Hands on her knees, Selphie glanced at Irvine and asked, "D-do you...do you think we lost him?"

"I-I don't know. He was quick!"

"T-totally!"

Squall looked up from his weapon and frowned. "What the hell are you two doing on this train? You're supposed to already be in Deling City, speaking to the contact and arranging transport to the secret location!"

Selphie giggled. "Yeah, we were...but I wanted to take another train ride, so Irvie-Kinnie-Poo bought tickets and we rode back to Balamb."

"Yep, but now I'm outta cash, so we had to sneak onto this train so we wouldn't miss the mission. Selphie would've tanned my hide for that!" Irvine closed the compartment doors and peeked through the window. He had ridden the train system for years and never met an employee actually on one of the trains. Truthfully, he thought they were unmanned, but after a short man in a red hat started chasing them, screaming about stowaways, Irvine learned that unmanned trains simply did not exist.

They were manned alright. Just manned by, umm, very short, very angry little men.

Squall groaned. "Great. Now we're screwed. I want to spend as little time as possible in Deling City, and now I have to waste time hunting down this contact person."

"No, silly! We've already talked to our contact and everything is ready to go! He was really eager to help, especially since Rinoa is with us!" She winked at Quistis. "And he was really, really, really eager to help once he learned that Blondie here was with us! Seems like he tried to impress her with some train tickets one time..."

Rinoa beamed. She loved knowing that the entire planet was in love with her, although it pissed her off to learn that Quistis had fans too. "Oh Selphie! That's great! Do we know him?"

"Yep! It's your horny buddy Zone!"

Rinoa squealed. "Eeeeeee!!! I've not seen him in months! Was Watts with him too?"

"Well, no, but that's because he was out gathering information. Zone gave me a map and directions and everything...where did I put it..." Patting her pockets, Selphie eventually found the map to the top secret location that imprisoned the most feared war criminal alive. "Ah ha! Here we go!" Raising her hand triumphantly above her head, she held the map for all to see.

Quistis raised an eyebrow. "Selphie. That's not a map. That's a book of matches from the inn with a room number written in lipstick."

"Well, yeah...that's where they have him locked up."

"In an inn?" Four voices asked the question at the same time.

Selphie and Irvine burst into laughter. "Hee hee! Did you hear yourselves just now? In an inn? N N N? Holy cow! That was great!"

Quistis buried her face in her hands. "Do you mean to tell me that they have him imprisoned in the finest hotel in Galbadia instead of a jail cell?"

Selphie took a moment to ponder this question. It did seem kind of odd that a man that slaughtered thousands of innocent souls would be so easy to retrieve. Hmm...oh well! Whatever made the story move along was perfectly fine with Selphie. "Well, Zone told me that they have him chained to a bed, so it's not like he's actually enjoying it, Quisty."

Rinoa cleared her throat and quickly interrupted Selphie before she could imagine Seifer Almasy tied to a bedpost. She was so over him, thank you very much, but Squall wasn't exactly creative in the bedroom department. It was just kind of boring sometimes, since he treated romantic evenings like any other military exercise. Hup, two, three, four. In, out, three, four. Hup, two, three, four. In, out, threeeeee-hee-hee, four. Objective obtained. Good night, Rin.

Sigh. Oh well. She had her lion, her protector, her dearest Squallie-poo...why did she even care what happened to her ex-boyfriend? Sigh. She was curious, though...

Sigh.

Quistis picked up the mission notes and tried to hide her smile when Rinoa punched Squall in the leg.

"Ow! What the hell did I do, Rin?"

"Oh nothing, Squall!Nothing at all."

--------------------------------------------

"So, all of them are coming to get me?"

"Well, I think so...I could go out and get some more information..."

Seifer rolled his eyes. "Watts, is that all that you know how to do? Get more information?"

"Hey, I'm good at what I do. If you want information, you send me! You want somebody to stare at chicks, you send Zone. But yeah, that's what he told me."

Seifer laughed. It had taken all six of them, plus their precious Guardian Forces to defeat him the first time, so he wasn't surprised to hear that Garden was sending their best, once again, to fetch him. He just hoped that they wouldn't resort to that insufferable combat method in order to subjugate him. There was just something about taking timed turns in battle that drove him fucking crazy. "Yeah, where is that little pervert anyway?"

Watts grimaced. "He's been in the bathroom since breakfast..."

"Hmm...is his stomach bothering him again?"

"Uh...I don't think it's his stomach this time. He told me that the blonde chick was coming too, so..."

"My old instructor?"

"I think so."

"Hmm..did he take a magazine with him?"

"Yep."

"Horny little fucker, isn't he?" Seifer tugged at his restraints. It would have been so easy to break them and escape, but he felt compelled to let his former friends/former enemies/former whatever-the-hell-they-were take him back to Garden.

Closure. That's what he needed. The past couple years had been a complete blur to him. Things were so clear in the beginning...so clear...

I was the antagonist. I was skilled and deadly and none but my adversary could match me on the battlefield. It was a beautiful rivalry. Intense, brutal, bloody, yet it somehow lost itself about the time that Puberty Boy and Pussy Company made it to Timber. For some strange reason, I appeared long enough to tease them a bit, then I disappeared while they tried to piece together some bullshit Sorceress theory. Then I played knight for a while, got the hell beaten out of me two or three times, then I completely fucking vanished while Squall gets to chase around ANOTHER fucking sorceress. I show up again and try to feed Rinoa to Adel, then POOF! Gone again!

I was supposed to be this huge fucking deal! Squall and I were supposed to be mirror images of each other! Down to the motherfucking scars and cards! I was supposed to be the source of conflict to keep things interesting, damn it! Who the hell decided to add another sorceress? How many do you need?

"Well, before you drag Zone out of the bathroom, I guess you need to tell the guard to lower his defenses so that he can be easily overpowered. I don't suppose the powers-that-be will want any sort of drama until I make it to Balamb."

"Sure thing, Seifer." Watts smiled at his old buddy, wondering why on earth a man that tried to help liberate Timber ended up with such a raw deal in the grand scheme of things. Come to think of it, what happened to Seifer after that broadcast anyway? And what happened to Timber? And what the fuck happened with the Forest Owls? Once Rinoa took off with that guy that liked leather so much, the liberation of Watts' beloved homeland became a non-issue. Even though the evil president had been killed by the slightly-more-evil sorceress, Watts and Zone were still fighting the good fight, but it seemed that people just didn't care the same way they used to. "I'm sure that they won't put up too much of a fight anyway, since it seems to be destiny that you make it back to your old home and face your old friends."

"Yeah. That sounds..." Huh. Doesn't make sense, since any sane judge should have laughed in my face and then ordered a nice bloody execution when I told him I was under mind control, but hey! Who am I to question the way life works? "...about right. It is destiny, I suppose."

Watts gave him a friendly wave and left Seifer alone in his umm, prison to find Zone (after knocking, of course. There was simply no telling what that fellow did with those magazines. Ugh...)

I was in the opening cinematics, for crying out loud! And I ended up fishing? Are you kidding me? What the fuck, man?!?!!

------------------------------------------------

"WOOOOOTTT!!! Watch out Deling City! Selphie Tilmitt is here to raise some hell! Hoo hoo!!!" Stomping her boots on the pavement, Selphie kicked and scraped until the concrete was scarred and blackened. "Take that! And that! And...one of these!"

"Hey darlin'? I don't think the city itself actually did anything to you."

Selphie tossed her bag into Irvine's chest and descended from the platform. "That's what you think, buster! The last time I was here, I lost six gil in a storm grate and this city still owes me!"

"Well, kickin' at the ground ain't gonna bring your money back." Bending down, Irvine lifted a shining ruby rhinestone to Selphie's outraged eyes. "See? If anything, it's just gonna make things worse."

"This damn son-of-a-bitch city! Now it's gone and hurt my new boots! I'll kick its ass!"

Quistis shook her head and placed a restraining hand on Selphie's arm before she tore her boot off and began hammering at a ticket window. "Selphie. Remember that we are acting as representatives of Balamb Garden and we need to behave so that..."

Selphie's flipped hairdo seemed to droop at Quistis' sensible words. Yes, they were SeeD and that meant that they were to complete their mission in a timely manner. It sucked though, because Selphie was really looking forward to some good old fashioned vengeful arson. "Yeah, yeah...I know. I guess we need to find Zone and Watts, don't we?"

Rinoa slid behind Quistis and wrapped one arm around the taller woman's waist, the other around Selphie's shoulders. "Yes, that sounds like a great idea. We'll find my old friends, grab some lunch, toss some clothes on Seifer, and be back at Garden before sundown!"

Quistis glanced at Selphie, who was blinking rapidly at Rinoa's statement. "Umm, Selphie? Did Zone mention at any point that Seifer would be without clothes?"

"Noooo..."

Rinoa bit her lip. It wouldn't do at all for anyone else to know the dark, very non-Squall-involved thoughts that had been floating through her mind ever since Selphie mentioned that Seifer was locked in a hotel room.

---------------------------------------

"Zone! There you are! I've missed you SO much!" Zone felt his stomach turn into knots when he saw Rinoa running in his direction. He would have been overjoyed to see his old friend and fellow revolutionary, but her sullen twat of a boyfriend wouldn't quit staring at him.

"Hi Rin! I've missed you too!"

"And Watts! Oh, my dear, darling Watts!"

"Hey Rinoa! How's life as a mercenary?"

Rinoa tilted her head in confusion. "I'm not a mercenary, Watts."

"Oh, that's right. You're just dating one. aren't you?"

"Hey! He's not a mercenary anymore! Squall is a hero!"

Watts didn't seem as if he really believed this statement, but he nodded all the same. To him, Squall killed for money, so that meant that he was a mercenary. Who cared if he happened to destroy a sorceress along the way? The emo bastard still got a paycheck, didn't he? "So, are you guys ready to grab Seifer or do you want to try a...umm, Zone? Zone?"

Rinoa turned around and saw Zone waving shyly at Quistis-and Selphie whispering in her ear.

Psst!

"Quit it Selphie! You're already in my ear! There is no need to 'psst' anything!"

Oh fine! But still, he's checking you out!

"Selphie. Please be sensible."

Sensible isn't getting you laid, Quisty! It's not like you're dating anyone right now, so why not tell sensibility to hit the road?

"True, but sensibility is also keeping perverts like him out of my underwear drawer."

Go on, Quisty! Go talk to him! He likes you!

"That's hardly fair. That man likes anything female with a pulse."

Oh, he's just shy.

"No, he's..." Rinoa grinned and pushed Zone into Quistis, laughing at her discomfort. Sneering at Rinoa, Quistis tried to make the best of a very, very, very awkward situation. "...umm...Hi Zone. Lovely weather, we're having, eh?"

Zone swallowed hard when he realized that his hands had landed on two very squishy bits of Quistis' anatomy. "Umm...hi-gotta-go-my-stomach-really-hurts-so-I-really-need-to-get-to-a-bathroom-like-right-now!"

The assembled group watched Zone knock people out of his way in his hurry to get to a bathroom, moaning the entire way. Giggling, Rinoa looked at Quistis, then at Watts. "Hey Watts? Was that a real bellyache or..." Motioning with her hand, Rinoa managed to make everyone except Irvine blush. "...was that one of his 'bellyaches'?"

A part of Watts remembered exactly why he didn't care to seek Rinoa out after she left the Forest Owls. The skinny bitch was too nosy for her own good. "You know, he has been feeling kind of sick since breakfast, so yeah, I'd say it was a real bellyache. He does have some restraint."

Quistis covered her face and started marching toward the Deling Hotel. The faster this mission was over, the better.

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Note: Mwahahahaaa!!! Rinoa bashing! My favorite sport! And silly plot holes that were never filled! Oh, those silly game designers...why did they leave so much open for sarcastic bitches like me to fill the empty spaces? This actually felt kind of weird to write, since I tried so very hard to make Zone into a nice guy for Quistis in another fic, but hey, what're ya gonna do? Up next, the group meets Seifer, an episode in a tent, and Squall's clothing choices are dissected and examined.