Chapter Five
It seemed to take ages for the eye doctor to get here and every minute it took I feel the rise of hopelessness get higher and higher.
I'd stopped crying and was trying really hard not to panic. Mum still sat with me and Dad paced horrible at the end of my bed.
"Hello I'm Doctor Soigné"
I heard the squeak of his highly polished shoes scuff the lino as he hurried into my room.
"Hi" I replied weakly.
"Hello Bliss" Doctor S was French, I could tell that right away and he said my name with a zee sound.
"Lissy…" my mum was saying "She likes to be called Lissy"
"Ahhh you must be Mr and Mrs Milieu" I assume they shook hands as I heard a rustle of material. It was amazing how much more acute my hearing was, but I just put that down to being so freaked out. You know heightened survival instincts or something?
The doctor was now peering at me I think, I could feel a warm regular breeze on my face, which I took to be his breath, and when he spoke it startled me because it was so close to me.
"Do you have any pain in your eyes or head?"
I concentrated for a second, (just to make sure) then shook my head. I was holding my breath in anticipation.
"Can you see anything at all? Colours, shapes? Foggy patches?"
Again I shook my head.
"It's just black" I whimpered "All black!"
The Doctor "hmm hmm-ed" and continued to stare at me. He gentle pulled at my eyelids and hmm hmm-ed again.
"All right Lizzy, I'm just going to shine a light in your eyes, and you tell me if you can see anything at all okay?"
I nodded frantically, then sat as still as I could as I heard him cross the room and click the lights off.
I felt him come closer again and move from side to side examining my eyeballs. I was clutching the bed sheets, twisting them around my hands.
"Just relax Lizzy" he said soothingly. Doctors always make that fake calm voice when they know it's serious. "Can you see anything, any distinction between light and dark? Fuzzy shapes perhaps ?"
When I didn't reply, he touched my shoulder gently "Lizzy?"
"What? Oh sorry." I'd been distracted
"I can see a very white blob in the middle of my eye" I told him with a sigh.
My heart had given a tiny happy jump. I'd been staring at the blob with such fondness, like seeing a long lost friend. Did that mean I could get better?
I smiled inwardly and outwardly, but then suddenly the white blob vanished. What? What had happened? Where had it gone? I sat up ridge and moved my head trying to track where it had gone, I felt close to tears again.
"Has the white haze gone now?" asked Doctor Soigné
I nodded sadly and buried my face in my hands. I realised that it was just the strong beam from his torch thingy. It had been so close to my face that no one could have missed it. Even a blind………… Oh……
"Okay" he breathed heavily and there was a click of the lights again. "I'll have to check your CAT scan results but I'm fairly certain that your optic nerves have been ruptured. Most likely when you either fell through the glass sheeting or when you hit your head on the concrete."
I felt numb….
"So what does that mean Doctor?" Mum's voice quivered with fright as she hugged me tightly.
Doctor S sighed and spoke carefully
"It means that her sight will almost certainly never return to normal. Optic nerves are very delicate and any trauma to them usually is severe. There appears no damage to your retinal centre, which is good news but it is most likely that she will be visually impaired for the rest of her life…."
There was s a good long pause while each of us took this in.
"I'm sorry" Doctor S added sincerely "But there is nothing we can do. To risk operating on the eyes may cause further damage and infection."
"So what are we suppose to do now?" It was Dad, he sounded angry and confused.
"We can offer Lizzy and your selves, of course, support and counselling to cope with her disability. We have a very good Therapist right here at this hospital. We can give her aids to use at home and there's some literature that you should read about caring for someone who's visually impaired. Many people with this disability can lead semi-normal lives."
I rolled my eyes incredulously, although I was the only one who knew it.
It was if he'd done this a million times, all the sympathetic tone had come and gone in his voice. He'd delivered this most debilitating news and now he was reeling off this list about Happy Clappy groups as if that would make everything okay.
That may work for him I remember thinking , but his part was over now. He got to go on with his life while I had to work out how to deal with this.
Four little words kept repeating round my head, each time getting louder and louder until it drove me insane and I had to screw my head in my arms. .
Rest of her life. Rest of her life. Rest of her life. Rest of her life. He didn't even talk to me, it's like I wasn't even I the bloody room. Oooo got to be careful or we may upset the poor little blind girls' feelings.
Well arseholes consider them HURT!
My parents and Doctor S had been talking for a while and then I suddenly realised that the Doctor was speaking to me.
"Goodbye Lissy, I'll come and see you again in a few days. All right?" He probably smiled at me (no doubt fake as well) like he'd provided some great service to me. But all I want to do was scream. I want to scream right at him and make him tell me he'd got it wrong.
But I didn't I sat there all peaceful, slumped like a blob on the pillows. I didn't smile or nod, I just faced him (at least I think I did) with a complete expressionless look.
I hear him clear his throat nervously. Good I'd unnerved him. One point for me, a small triumph, I grinned in my head. Okay I knew it was childish to give someone who was trying to "help" me the silent treatment but boy it felt good and because I was "sick" I knew I would get away with it. (HA!)
"Goodbye Mr and Mrs Milieu"
They shake hands again and I hear the fading steps of Doctor Soigné. Good he's gone. Now I can wail,
"Why me……?"
"Oh Darling!" Mum is sobbing again and she holds me like a baby. Rocking me backwards and forwards.
"Ouch Mum, my ribs!" I shove away from her embrace but grab her arm as a sharp pain shots up into my chest.
She looks horrified and I hear her grab the bell thing hanging by my bed.
"No Mum! It's okay. I don't WANT to see anyone else."
"But it could be serious!" Oh god the high squeaky voice is back.
"It's only a fractured rib Mum" I protest, she's fussing again, pushing my hair off my face to peer at my complexion.
"Oh let her alone Tess, she doesn't need that right now.
"What do you know what she needs!?" Mum shrieks at him. Oh god I thought they're going to argue, right here in the Hospital. Just when I needed them most.
"Don't yell at me Tess. Shouting is not going to help."
But mum didn't seem to hear him; she rocked on the bed clutching my hand to her chin. Tears trickling down her face. She started a ramble. Dad tried to calm her down.
"I knew something like this would happen… I knew it! She should never have left home! I told you she was delicate… but you want her to go. She'll be all right you said."
She kept twitching her head in Dad's direction. It's like we'd both left the room and she was talking to her self.
"She's NOT delicate Tess and you want her to go as well remember. You said she had such potential."
Dad raised his voice to be heard over mum. He was really upset too but he knew not to interrupt Mum when she went like that.
"Well she doesn't now, does she?" More random sentences, but I could feel them taking an ugly turn. "She'll never be anything now! She can't be, you can't do anything when you're blind!..."
She said this last word like it was vetoed. I feel sick at the word, I was hoping to deny calling my self that for a while but she's dropped the bomb that we've all been avoiding. I just sit there open mouthed, I want to rip my hand away but she's gripping it so tightly.
"And all that money we've spent on her education…..now she'll never use it."
"Theresa!" Dad looks at her completely shocked. So do I! "How dare you say something like that!? You're daughter has had an shocking accident with even more shocking consequences and all you can think about is money!" He's fuming and I assume he's gone red in the face.
"Consider you daughters feeling first!"
"Stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!" I scream, I yank my hand away from mum and shift back in the bed so I'm against the wall.
They both stare at me appalled at how they've upset me. Good I think. I can feel there eyes boring into me and I pull away from Mum as she reaches for me again.
We stand, or in my case sit, there in silence for a long time.
Then there comes a cheery voice in the doorway.
"Hello there." It's a nurse; I can tell by the way she walks. Light and calm but with a mission to go somewhere. There is also a metal squeaking noise. She has a tray on wheels with her, and is wheeling it into the room.
"Is everything okay in here?" she has a clear jolly voice and it doesn't drip with condescends.
"We'll just be outside" Dad's tone is flat and he pulls Mum off my bed and they head for the door.
I sigh heavily as I hear the door shut leaving me alone with the nurse.
She's fiddling around with the I.V and some of the other tubes. I feel a lump come to my throat and I fight back some new tears. Yeah like they're going to help me.
"They're probably just tired." The Nurse says comfortingly laying a gentle hand on my shoulder. "They've been up every night with you since you were admitted. They obviously love you very much."
"Thanks." I sniff back, running a hand under my nose.
"I'm Emma, by the way, and your very own personal slave for a while." I think she grinned at me. A little warm feeling flows off her and I suddenly feel tired, comforted by her presence.
"Hi" I mumble back falling back on the pillows. I think about asking her how old she is, but I drop off to sleep almost immediately.