I sat up in bed with a gasp and panted hard trying to regain my focus.
I was back in the hospital, in my white bed with clean disinfected sheets. Urgh! I groaned as I held my head so it wouldn't fall off as a killer headache hit. No doubt from the amount of sedatives they had to pump into me.
I started to lie back in bed and go back to sleep but suddenly heard the voice in my head.
"Do not be a slave to fear."
" No fucking way!" I answered with resolve. It felt so good to hear my own voice again. It was like I'd been floating above my empty corpse and now I'd come rushing back into the drivers seat.
Right this was it I decided, I was going to start taking control of MY life, and it would be great.
"Well you might not be able to see any more Girl," I told my self as I swung my legs over the bedside "but that is not going to stop us…right?"
"Right" said the warm voice from my psychosis nightmare/dream thing.
Well, I thought, at least I have some ones support. I doubted as much from my parents, let alone all the a-holes who'd kept me here so long.
I sat on the edge of my bed for a long while listening to the world around me. It seemed different somehow.
Sounds were sharper, and smells were stronger and it wasn't just because I couldn't see anymore, but I think I'd begun to waste away in those few weeks of being told I'd never live a normal life again.
Now I was determined and stronger in my resolve I felt life come back into me again.
I wanted to live, to experience things again and because of that I felt, hear and even saw (the broad sense) in a different light, all because I WANTED to find them that way.
I guess I'm not explaining it very well, but if you stay in one little room for about eight weeks and do nothing but sleep, then suddenly come back into your whole house I think you'll understand what I'm trying to say.
Right this was it,
If I was ever going to have a chance at a relatively normal life and an independent one too then I was going to have to start NOW!
I jumped to my feet and promptly sat down again as my joints crumbled beneath me.
Hmm okay… this was going to have to go a bit slower than I thought.
Bracing my self, I carefully set my feet back on the floor praying they would hold me up. They did! Hooray!
Shuffling slowly at first I wandered around my room, hands out in front of me trying to find where things were.
I bashed into a low object and when I crouched down I found that it was a cupboard. Reaching in I felt fabrics, cotton, denim and something else furry soft. I frowned trying to figure out what things were. The jeans were easy and I pulled them out straight away and slipped into them with a sigh.
Ahhh real clothes…. smelling of me, familiar feeling around my legs. I felt like a real person again and not just some ghost in a gown thing, which was drafty at the back.
Right now where was my bra? Oh! And my shirt? Fumbling about I found a top I recognised by touch and pulled it on over my head. I then struggled with the ties at the back and pulled the horrid white sheet from my body. Wringing it into a ball I hurled it at my bed and Ha Ha'ed loudly.
Fifteen minutes later I was casually but happily wandering around my room locating MY things and putting them in a bag I had found. I was the slightest bit worried who'd bag it was. It was in my room therefore it mine.
I was getting quite use to this walking around without being able to see lark. Okay so I did keep bumping into the wall every now and again but it was only because I kept forgetting it was there. Ha ha ah yeah like the hell it was going to move. God I'm such a comedian.
As I laughed at my self happily I heard a sudden running of footsteps and slowly my heart sank. Here we go I thought. This was the stampede I had been expecting the minute I had crawled my way out of bed, but obviously they hadn't been quite on the ball today. Just as well really.
As the rushing thumps got louder I finished packing quickly, and stood up as tall as I could with out wobbling over.
"Bliss Delight Sunshine Milieu… What the HELL do you think you are doing?!"
I could tell mum was hysterical, but why did she have to yell out my full name like for all and sundry to hear. Jeepers it's not as if it's a normal kind of name.
Okay calm, be calm I kept reminding my self as I turned to face mum.
"I'm leaving." I said with as much resolve as I could, even though my knees were shaking with excitement and dread. "I'm sick of this hospital and sick of being told what to do and being treated like a child and being told that I'm ill and I won't cope and that my life won't be any good any more and… and… "
Oh dear I was running out of steam and I don't think I've ever used the word "and" so much in one sentence before.
Mum sighed and tried to reason with me. Using that awful tone of voice people usually reserve for talking people off of ledges.
Urghhhh!
"Now Darling, don't worry Mummy is here now and we can all sort it out together. Of course you're frightened and want to go home, but we must let the doctors help you first. You're in deep shock and you haven't yet come to terms with what has happened to you."
She stroked my arm, soothingly she thought but all I could feel was the evil prickling of lies and fear.
By then my doctors had arrived and I guessed they had a couple of orderlies nearby too by the shuffling and whispering.
"Look Doctor Soigné is here now, he can make it all better Lissy Darling if only you try to be helped."
Oh god I could hear the tears starting to well up in her. Mum has always been so easy to read. She cries at everything she can't control, so I knew exactly that she was going to start bawling.
Everybody started talking then, offering me help. I knew they were only trying to help and I knew I should be polite and explain my self clearly but I was well past caring, in fact I was livid. Here they were keeping me captive in a place I hate with every fibre of my soul.
Right it was time for drastic action!
"I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP!" I roared at the top of my lungs to be heard over the din.
That did it.
They all turned and faced me, stunned….
I was breathing hard and I could feel the blood rushing to my face. I cleared my throat and threw my shoulders back.
"You lot have ruined my life for the past eight weeks." I was desperate to keep my voice level to unnerve them so I kept going, remembering t breath.
"I have been kept her like a prisoner. I haven't been consulted about anything that has happened to me nor the treatments I have received,"
I paused and stared at them fiercely.
" You have insulted me in every which way. You tell me what I'm thinking and feeling without even taking to me. In essence you don't see me as a person at all do you?" My voice rose a bit as I surprised my self really with my gumption and because they had stayed silent thought out my entire speech.
Now DR Smelly Welly spoke up.
"Now Lissy I understand how upset you see but if you just…."
I barked a laugh out at that.
" You understand nothing you stupid woman!" Mum gasped at that but I ignored her.
"You've insulted me the worst of all. You told my parents that I was going to commit suicide."
"It was a possibility." She said trying to defend her self. "When people don't accept or begin to cope with there disability then…."
"But you never asked me how I was feeling about it…." My voice was getting a little shrill now but I was determined to say what I had to say.
`" I have accept it. I WANT to learn to live with it. I WANT to be taught how to read brail or get around town, but did you do any of that NO you just treated me like a child! You ALL did!"
I think I shocked them good and proper now. No one wants to speak. I hear lots of nervous coughing and shuffling of feet. Now's the time for my exit, I thought to my self.
I reach behind me and take hold of my bag. It feels good in my hand, like the good happy real life is now tangible not just a dream I've wanting for the past two weeks.
"YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE LIKE THIS"
It was mum, she was blubbering freely and her voice was all high pitched and squeaky. Huh now I know where I get it from.
Anyway I calmly walked towards the door (I memorized where it was earlier) and just looked over my shoulder in what I hoped was her general direction.
"I don't need your permission mother. I'm over 18 and if I want to leave you have no right to stop me."
"SO YES I CAN!"
I add, yelling in a similar fashion I cringingly realise but note not to mention.
With that I walked out of my room and walked down the corridor. Then with one finial thought I felt I JUST HAD to add. I turned sharply round and yelled.
"MY SIGHT MAY HAVE BEEN STOLEN FROM ME. BUT I'LL BE DAMNED IF I EVER LET IT OR ANY OF YOU RUIN MY QUALITY OF LIFE!"
I nodded my head in salute of my decree and turned my back on all of them.
A huge cheer rose up around me. It stopped me in my tracks as I realised it was the other patients in there beds. They were clapping and cheering and shouting "Well done" and "You tell 'em girl!"
Feeling pretty pleased with my self I strode out there head held high.