Here's chapter 4! I've had a bunch of ideas bouncing around in my head, so lets hope this one was worth the trouble...

Also, special thanks to Wandering Gunslinger. They made my day very bright and happy when they told me that Hellsing volume 9 comes out on Wednesday the 22nd of October.

Anyway, onto Chapter 4...

Morale Boost

Integra stared down the length of the table, surveying the three men sitting at it with her. Alucard was wearing his usual bored expression, Walter had a kind smile upon his face as he awaited Integra's words, and Pip was staring off into space with a goofy smirk on his face as he casually smoked a cigarette in a non-smoking room. Integra's eye twitched - she really hated it when he did that. However, she had more pressing issues to deal with.

Slamming her hands on the table, Integra suddenly snapped: "Gentlemen!" The three men's eyes (or eye, in Pip's case) went wide with shock, and they all suddenly shifted their attention entirely to her. Integra mentally giggled. She loved the fact that she could sometimes catch even Alucard off guard with loud noises and an angry voice... "As you know, our troops have been experiencing a severe shortage lately."

"Refresh my memory..." Alucard smirked. "What exactly are they short of...? Besides years to live, in most cases."

"Morale!" Integra barked. "I've never seen men so down and depressed here in all of my life! Its as though they have nothing to look forward to, and no reason to live!"

"Well, we are hunting vampires, Sir Hellsing..." Pip shrugged, flashing a toothy grin. "In case you haven't noticed, we aren't exactly thrilled about fighting something we can't usually kill. And the mortality rate on recent missions has been quite depressing, too, you know..."

"Yes, Captain Bernadett, I am well aware of that..." Integra groaned, pinching the space between her eyes to stem the headache that formed at the mere thought of the last mission report. She'd been up into the wee hours of the morning writing letters to the families of the men who gave their lives to combat the threat of those AntiChrist freaks. Somehow, she doubted the fact that they died defending God, King, and Country gave much comfort to their widows and orphans... especially considering how they died. But for now, she had to keep her mind focused on the issue at hand. "I have gathered you all hear together so we can brainstorm ideas."

"Ideas for what, Sir?" Walter arched an aged eyebrow at Integra's statement.

"A morale boost!" Integra chimed matter-o-factly. "I think we should come up with a way to cheer the men up, and lift their spirits. Any ideas, gentlemen?"

"If you give us a raise, I'm sure it would cheer us up," Pip grinned. "Or you could give us some cash, and I could send Sargeant Eagle and Sargeant Wolfsbane to the store to pick us up an X-Box 360, some playing cards, and a few cases of beer..."

"I'm afraid both of those options are out of the question," Integra replied, wiping the grin off of Pip's face. "We're low on funds this month, and I seem to recall you breaking the previous video game system during an arguement with Sargeant Wolfsbane, so why should I pay for another one?"

"He cheated..." Pip grumbled.

"Moving on..." Integra rolled her eyes.

"Bring your kid to work day?" Alucard smirked slightly, barely revealing his fangs.

"And let you near all their teenaged daughters? I think not!" Integra frowned. Alucard's smirk dissappeared. "I'm your Master - I know what goes on inside your head, with or without telepathy. And besides, we can't put children in danger, let alone subject them to the walking psychological trauma that you are. Our insurance would be paying for therapy sessions for years..."

"Perhaps a talent show, Sir?" Walter arched an eyebrow, throwing the old stand-by idea out onto the table. "I think that might work to cheer the men up a bit."

"Oh yes, telling dirty jokes and singing off key. How marvelous that will be. I'm sure everyone will feel better after a night of talent..." Alucard mocked sarcastically, enjoying the chance to burst Walter's bubble.

"He has a point. I doubt anyone here has a decent talent, besides you Walter..." Integra sighed. "And no doubt you would win. Not many people can play the piano with just the strings..."

"Its a gift..." Walter shrugged, smiling meekly.

"So thats it then? We can't come up with anything better?" Integra sighed. "Alright then, I guess-"

Pip, up until this point, had been staring at the ceiling in deep thought after losing the arguement for his previous idea. Without warning, he suddenly propped his feet up on the table, leaned back in his chair, and spoke three simple words with a tone of supremacy over everyone in the room: "I've got it."

"Hm?" everyone turned their attention towards him. He sat there in silence for several seconds, smirking in a manner that seemed to say "I'm more awesome than you." Then, in a very casual manner, he simply stated:

"Seras can do a striptease."

Dead silence followed.

Finally, Alucard broke the quiet. "That would work..."

--

Seras was soundly asleep in her coffin, dreaming about dandelions, kittens, and the sheer freaking-awesomeness of having thermo-nuclear ammo for her Harkonnen, when suddenly her slumber was interupted. "OOF!!" the Draculina yelped as something heavy fell on her face, rousing her from her sleep. She started to sit up, only to have her head impact the roof of her coffin. It seemed that somebody had closed it the moment whatever they'd dropped in there landed on her face. "Ah! Wassis?!" she sleepily growled at no one in particular, yawning as she fumbled to find the object that had hit her. Her right hand finally gasped something, and she pushed the coffin's lid open with her left hand. As the light flooded her sleeping space, she looked down at the object in her hand through squinted eyes. Slowly, her vision adjusted, and she started to realize what she was holding.

"WHAT THE-?!" Seras Victoria exclaimed as she held up a copy of The Total Fool's Guide to Strip Teasing.

Moral of the Story: Even the characters of Hellsing can't deny that Seras is walking fanservice.

Hah hah! I hope you all liked this chapter. If you did, and even if you didn't, would you kindly leave a review for me? :)

Thanks for reading! Until next time, see ya!

-Agent HUNK

(And still nobody gets the video game reference. I'll reveal it next chapter if no one figures it out before then...)