2.
"She has become completely uncommunicative."
"She's afraid."
"We have given her no reason to be afraid."
"She has never been away from her family. Not once. She doesn't understand why she is being punished like this."
"It is not a punishment."
It was like talking a computer with limited inputs. The Children's Ward comforter was just not recognizing what I was saying, despite my carefully steady, quiet voice and pleasant tone. And yet she had seen for herself what a night spent stolen away from her family had done to Ayasha. Completely uncommunicative. Wasn't there a clue there that they weren't doing something right?
"I know you are trying to do your best for her, but she's not going to see it that way. She needs her family."
I let my eyes beg her just a little. It seemed she had run out of pre-generated outputs.
"Come this way please," she said, and I followed her deeper into the building.
Like Healing Centres everywhere, the Children's Ward repelled me instantly with its shiny floors holding flat reflections of the tube lights overhead, the colourful wall decals doing little to hide the mind-numbingly pastel walls. A labyrinth of corridors and rooms interconnecting in a manner designed to confuse and prevent escape.
"Hungry Flame. The mother," the Comforter said, knocking on the open office door of another Comforter. I deflated, realizing I was not going to be taken straight to Yash.
"Ah, Hungry Flame. Spinning Webs, enchanted to meet you. Please, sit down." He waved at a seat and flicked through a drawer to find our file. "I do understand this must be difficult."
"Do you have children?"
"Why is that always the first question people ask?" he asked softly, smiling, "I spend too much time with the children at work to properly care for any of my own."
I felt the unsaid reproach. Working mothers be warned: you cannot be both. Even if your husband pretends to be a mother. The system will punish you.
"Here are Ayasha's most recent tests," he went on, pulling out some sheets.
"She got zero on word recognition?" I asked, stunned, reading though them carefully.
"She didn't respond. At all. I take it she does speak?"
"Of course. To us, at least."
The movement of his eyebrows made me feel like Ayasha was some kind of imaginary friend, a lifeless doll that spoke only in our heads while we insisted to the world that she was a real girl.
"There has been screaming, but I don't count that as communication," he went on. Why not? I thought, I would: she's obviously trying to tell you something. "She's very emotionally immature. Did you realise that?"
With an effort, I ignored his academic way of talking about my traumatized child as if she were an interesting academic case.
"I'd like you to redo these tests please. With me present. I'd like you to do them now. Because once she realises I'm not taking her home today…" I did not doubt there would be more screaming. I didn't want to think about it.
"Well if you think you can make her talk… I'd like to see it."
"I don't need to make her talk; she'll talk voluntarily if she feels safe."
"I can assure you she's perfectly safe here."
"Of course."
We eyed each other for a moment more.
"Come this way."
***
"This is her room here," the nurse said affably, pushing open the door to an empty room, "Oh dear, she's gone again."
I slipped past them, walked over to the cupboard, and pulled it open. A ball of child peeked out fearfully from a blanket.
"Mum!!" she yelled, throwing the blanket away and leaping into my arms as I squatted to reach for her. Miracle of miracles: The Child Speaks!
"Yashie…" I whispered, holding her tight and settling back so I could sit on the floor and concentrate just on holding her. I didn't think I'd ever be able to let her go.
"They took me away, Mummy," she murmured eventually, sliding her fingers over my face as if to prove it was really there, "They took me away and Daddy wasn't allowed to come and I didn't know…"
"It's alright baby. It's alright now."
"It's Not Nice here. I needed you for my bed time story. I didn't want to go to sleep…"
I had forgotten the Comforters were still there til I felt Yash shrink into to me and turned to see Spinning Webs coming closer.
"We can start that testing now, if you'd like, Hungry Flame,"
"Just give us a minute, please."
Ayasha was silent til they drifted away.
"We're not going home now?"
"Not yet."
"I want to go home."
"Of course you do honey. We all want you back so much. But it's not up to us, it's up to these people. And they don't do what you want by screaming and crying at them."
She curled up and I could see the stubborn mullet look creep onto her face.
"And you can't just clam up and ignore them either. They won't like that. They want to see a happy Yash."
"I don't feel happy."
"I know, baby."
"And I'm not allowed to be sad, and I'm not allowed to be angry…"
"I know sweetheart. You just got to hang in there a little while, and we'll show them how smart you are, and that you don't need to be in a place like this, and they'll let us take you home."
"They think I'm dumb?"
"They think Mummy hasn't been looking after you properly, teaching you enough. They think they can do a better job here."
She struggled with the insanity of this concept. I did too.
"I love you Mummy," was all she could reply.
"I know," I whispered back, "and I love you too sweetheart. Everyone's thinking about you, helping to get you out. Bhask is coming right home, I'll bring him tomorrow-"
"And Daddy?"
I was struck down with guilt, and at the same time, so happy that she had asked for him. He would be thrilled to know she didn't think of him as some split-personalitied monster. That she missed him and wanted him here as well as me. But then I remembered that he couldn't come, and thought twice about tempting him.
"Daddy can't come for a little while."
"Doesn't he want to see me?"
"Of course he does baby. He loves you so much. He just… can't come. For a little while."
"He's busy."
"Uh… yeah." I couldn't find the words to explain that I had beaten him and forced him into hiding.
"But he'll come later?"
"Of course."
I felt her take a breath and steel herself.
"What do I have to do?" she asked.
I took her hand in mine and we walked out to face the Comforters.
***
She sat in her favoured position, curled in my lap, and stared at my shoulder as if she could block out the other people around the table by force of will alone.
"Yash, I want you to talk to these people, using all your words, ok? It doesn't matter if you don't know something, they just want to hear what you do know. Can you do that for Mummy?"
"I don't like them," she whispered under her breath. I grimaced, hoping the others hadn't heard. Then malevolently hoping they had.
"Ok, but you're doing it for Mummy. It's really important."
"Can we go home afterwards?"
We'd been through this. But I couldn't tell her no. And I couldn't tell her yes.
"We've got a couple of things to do here first. I'll be right here with you."
At length she nodded, and I helped her turn and face the room. The Comforters held up pictures for her to name. She looked at each one carefully and named them, almost all correctly. I couldn't tell whether the Comforters were pleased or annoyed by this, and made sure Yash knew that I, at least, was ecstatic. They followed with listening comprehension tests , letter recognition… I felt like we were trying out for a prestigious university.
"Thank you, that will be sufficient for today."
"Can I go home now?" Yash said, speaking to them directly for the first time.
There was a pause, and I felt it was a guilty one.
"Not just yet, Ayasha."
***
"How did it go?" Margie asked, finally sick of following me round the house and waiting for me to say something. I could feel Alex hovering and kept my eyes carefully on my bag.
"She's ok. Not happy," I grimaced, "but ok."
The tension in the room lightened by at least a kilopascal.
"I got them to redo the tests, I think she did really well. Much better than when they tried, anyway. Have you heard from Melts Blue Ice?"
"He put in our objection today, I think he'd been working all night on it. I told him to go home and get some sleep, and we'd let him know how you went."
I was filled with gratitude for our devoted friends. I couldn't even contemplate how to fight this alone. The silence lengthened and I was aware again of Alex's shadowy presence at the edge of my vision. I still couldn't look at him, and I had nothing to say to him. I almost wished he wasn't there, but knew it was just the anger and the helplessness talking. Even without Dorsey to point it out. Besides which, it wasn't as if there was anywhere he could go, so I chose the next best option.
"Bhask's flight will get in soon, I better go pick him up-"
"Let me go," he said, reaching for the keys.
"You can't," Margie and I both said, my tone aggravated and hers apologetic. His hand froze and retreated. I grabbed the keys and left in silence.