Bright and early the next morning, the prisons remained asleep in their bunks, that is until Sergeant Schultz marched in.
"Up! Up! All prisoners up!" Schultz yelled. "All prisoners up for roll call!"
The prisoners all groaned.
"All prisoners up for roll call!" Schultz yelled again.
"Aye, Schultz?" Newkirk asked, sticking his head out from under his blanket.
"Yeah?" Schultz asked, walking back towards Newkirk's bunk.
"How would you like to do us a favor?" Newkirk asked.
"Oh, no, no, no..." Schultz mumbled, "if Kommandant Klink found out, he would send me to the Front..."
"Then buzz off!" Newkirk yelled, before pulling his blanket over his head again.
"Up!" Schultz began banging on the side of the bunk. "Up! Everybody up!"
The force of Schultz banging on the bunk woke Carter from his slumber.
"Earthquake!" Carter yelled.
"It is not an earthquake!" Schultz said, bending over to make eye-contact with Carter. "It is time for you to get up!"
The prisoners continued to groan.
"What is wrong with everybody this morning?" Schultz asked. "And... what is that smell?"
"What smell?" LeBeau asked.
"It smells like... potatoes..." Schultz said.
"Oh, it must be all the potatoes." Carter said.
"You have potatoes in the barrack?" Schultz asked.
"We did," LeBeau said, "but we cleaned them up last night."
"Now if we can only get rid of the smell." Newkirk mumbled under his blanket.
Schultz growled, before walking over to Hogan's office door, banging on it.
"Colonel Hogan!" Schultz yelled. "Colonel Hogan!"
A few second later, Hogan opened his door. "What's the problem, Schultz?"
"Colonel Hogan, would you please ask these men to get out of bed and get ready for roll call before Kommandant Klink has me shot?" Schultz asked.
"Alright men," Hogan said, in a commanding tone, "everybody out of bed and get ready for roll call before Kommandant Klink has Schultz shot!"
After a few moments, the prisoners were lined up in the compound, having Schultz take count of them, and waiting for Klink to exit his quarters. Finally, Klink stepped out of his office, and made his way into the compound.
"Report!" Klink yelled. "Report!"
Schultz marched over to Klink. "Herr Kommandant, all prisoners are present and accounted for!"
"Dis-missed!" Klink said, turning around, and heading back into his office, as the prisoners groaned some more.
"Alright everybody, you heard the Kommandant, all prisoners dis-missed!" Schultz said, as the prisoners went about their way.
"Well, another day, another dollar..." Newkirk said.
"Oui, without the dollar." LeBeau added.
"Will you need me to stand by on the radio, Colonel?" Baker asked.
"Might as well," Hogan said, "who knows, maybe we'll hear something from London today."
"Right." Baker said, as he walked back into the barrack.
"What are we going to do, Colonel?" LeBeau asked.
"Eh, I don't know..." Hogan said, "just try to find something to do."
"Wanna play some ball?" Carter asked.
"Nah," Newkirk said, "I've played enough ball in this camp to last me a lifetime."
"How about a scavenger hunt?" Carter asked.
"Andrew, how old are you?" Newkirk asked.
"Alright, hold off the bickering fellahs," Hogan said, "the last thing we need is to turn on each other."
"Well, I don't know about you guys, but I think I'll go on a scavenger hunt!" Carter said, as he walked off. "I bet I can find something of some kind of value burried in the snow around here!"
"Speaking of which, quite a little dusting we had last night." LeBeau mentioned.
"No fooling," Newkirk said, "it's gotten colder too, the fire in the stove went out twice last night."
"Nothing like good, old fashioned, German winters." Hogan said. "Say, there's something you guys can do."
"What's that, Colonel?" LeBeau asked.
"Get some more firewood for the stove." Hogan said.
"Swell..." Newkirk said, with false enthusiasm.
Hogan walked off, as both LeBeau and Newkirk shrugged, and decided to do as suggested, with as cold as its getting, they'll have to get an extra amount of firewood to keep the fire in the stove going all night long. Hogan walked around the side of the barrack, pulled out a cigar from his coat pocket to have himself a smoke, when he noticed something unusual. Another prisoner was trying to retrieve some water from the water tower, but apparently it was so cold, the water in the tower had frozen. Hogan brushed it off at first, after all, Klink isn't exactly running a luxury hotel here, Stalag 13 probably had more flaws through-out than a farm back in the real world being run by a completely incompetent. Hogan continued watching, as the prisoner attempted to walk off, only to slip and fall on the frozen puddle resting underneath the spout of the tower. Hogan snickered a little, before he went back to his cigar. Moments later, down in the tunnel, Baker was reading over a magazine, and chuckling as he read.
"Any word from London?" Hogan asked.
"No a one, Colonel..." Baker said, as he chuckled.
"What's so funny?" Hogan asked.
"Oh, this article about prison camps in one of the magazines back home..." Baker said, "look here, it says these prison camps have tennis courts, and in the winter, the Krauts freeze them over so we can ice skate."
"Anything in there about volleyball championships we have every quarter?" Hogan asked.
Baker laughed as he shook his head. Hogan walked back over to the ladder, but as he was climbing up, he was struck with an idea. Outside, he walked over to the water barrel outside the barrack door, where their makeshift parascope would emerge to spy on what's going on in camp, but noticed the water in the barrel was frozen.
"Furthermore..." Klink continued, as Hilda jotted down notes for him, "any prisoner caught in his sleepwear during an air raid... real or not... will receive thirty days in the cooler!"
"Jawohl, herr Kommandant..." Hilda said, not wanting to Klink's latest order seriously, realizing that sometimes an air raid could come in the middle of the night when the prisoners are asleep, and are ordered to get out of their barracks as quickly as they can.
"Next item..." Klink continued, "from here on in, any prisoners must ask permission to see me before stepping into my office at their own free will."
"Good morning, Colonel Klink!" Hogan said, as he walked into Klink's office at his own free will.
"Hogan! Who said you could come stepping into my office at your own free will?" Klink asked.
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Colonel," Hogan said, "I was just wondering if I could possibly tune into your radio for just a moment..."
"Hogan, you know the prisoners are not allowed to listen to the radio!" Klink said. "Isn't the war news depressing enough for you? Heh, your side is still losing the war as it is, how do you expect to win the war if all you do is sit around and listen to it on the radio?"
"Haven't you ever heard a little thing called 'faith', Kommandant?" Hogan asked.
"Who needs faith when you have the Fuhrer?" Klink asked. "What am I saying?"
"Actually, I was just wanting to get a quick weather report for today... seems a little nippy out today..." Hogan said.
"Of course it's nippy out there, Hogan," Klink said, "the weather report said today's temperatures won't even make it above freezing today."
"Is that so?" Hogan asked. "In that case, perhaps we could ask you to requisition some new gloves for our hands?"
"Request denied, I have enough to do around here simply running this camp!" Klink said.
"And you're doing such a wonderful job, sir." Hogan said.
Klink looked up. "You really expect me to believe that?"
"I wouldn't, if I were you." Hogan said.
"You're right," Klink said, "I know you're just trying to butter me up, so I will give in to your little demands, and requisition some new gloves for you and your men."
Hogan faked a sigh. "You're getting too smart for me, sir."
"You've got it, Hogan," Klink said, "you know as well as I that I am not doing a wonderful job running this prison camp, I keep getting a lot of static from General Burkhalter!"
"He's probably just saying things to try to get you to toughen up." Hogan said.
"Now why do I need to toughen up?" Klink asked.
"I'm sure it's getting pretty lonely up at the Russian Front..." Hogan said.
"Hogan, I don't want to hear anything about the Russian Front!" Klink said. "And what more do I have to say? You got your weather report, dis-missed!"
"Thank you, sir." Hogan said, as he exited Klink's office.
"Now, where was I?" Klink asked Hilda.
"Oh, by the way, sir," Hogan said, sticking his head back into Klink's office, "if it'll help, I can have my men write in letters of commendation to General Burkhalter, if that'll get him off your back."
Klink was touched. "Hogan, would you and your men really do that for me?"
"Of course we would," Hogan said, "we'll have you at the Front in no time!"
"Dis-missed!" Klink yelled.
Later, down in the tunnel, Hogan was thawing out several buckets of water.
"Has all the water in the tower really frozen, Colonel?" Baker asked.
"Every last drop." Hogan said. "And according to our beloved Kommadant, the temperature won't even reach the freezing level today."
"Good thing you bribed the supply sergeant for those extra blankets." Baker said.
"Perhaps we could be transferred to a Japanese prison camp..." Hogan said, look at the buckets of water. "Ah, that should do it."
"What's all the water for, Colonel?" Baker asked.
"Baker, if I told you that, I'd ruin your birthday surprise." Hogan said with a smirk, as he grabbed the buckets by their handles, and went further into the tunnel.
"My birthday was four months ago..." Baker said to himself.
Shortly thereafter, Hogan made his way into the rec hall, where he went to work, moving all of the tables and such out of the way, turning the room into a large, open, empty space. With that, Hogan grabbed a bucket of water, and dumped it onto the floor. One by one, Hogan dumped the water across the floor of the rec hall, until after a few minutes later, the water on the floor froze over. Perfect. Out in the compound, LeBeau and Newkirk were walking back towards their barrack, both with arms full of fire wood, when Hogan walked up to them, whispering into their ears, causing them both to reveal smiles, as they dropped the wood and ran back into their barrack. Afterwards, Hogan caught up with Carter, who recovered the button from a Kraut uniform from the snow on his scavenger hunt, Hogan whispered into Carter's ear as well, which seemed to excite the young Sergeant, who dropped the button, and began racing back for the barrack. Down in the tunnel, Baker was flipping through another book to keep himself busy, when suddenly Hogan walked into the communication center, and relayed the news to him as well. Baker dropped his book, and followed the Colonel back up the ladder, and moments later, all of the prisoners were gathered in the rec hall, where they saw Hogan had managed to transform the room into a makeshift ice skating rink.
"Now watch this!" Baker said, as skated out into the rink, showing off some of his skating skills out on the ice, while the other prisoners began to ooh and ahh.
"Aw, that's nothing," Newkirk said, "watch me, I'll show you some real ice skating..." With that, Newkirk skated out into the rink, and began to show up Baker, and at the same time, suddenly had five watches in one hand, and a couple of wallets in the other, as the other prisoners laughed.
"My turn!" Carter said, as he skated out into the rink, while he skates slipped out from under him, and he immediately fell onto his bottom, causing the prisoners to laugh even harder.
Schultz was on duty, guarding the camp, and as he marched passed the rec hall, he could hear the sounds of joy and laughter coming from inside. He was curious as to what could possibly be going on in the rec hall that could ensure joy and laughter, so Schultz made his way inside. Inside, just about every prisoner was paired with a partner, as they skated across the ice.
"Say, not bad, Louie!" Newkirk said.
"What can I say?" LeBeau said. "The French are graceful."
"Have you ever gone ice fishing?" Carter asked.
"Not that I recall." Baker said.
Hogan watched his men continue to skate, when Schultz walked in, and saw what was going on. Schultz couldn't believe is eyes, as he made his way over to Hogan.
"Colonel Hogan...?" Schultz began.
"Oh, hi Schultz." Hogan said.
"Colonel Hogan, what-what-what is going on here?" Schultz asked.
"What do it look like to you, Schultz?" Hogan asked.
"It looks like..." Schultz began, "... nothing... I see nothing..."
Schultz prepared to leave, but Hogan grabbed his arm. "What's your rush, Schultz? Why don't you join us?"
"Me?" Schultz asked. "You want me to ice skate with you and your men? Oh, no, Colonel Hogan, I am on duty, if Kommandant Klink catches me..."
"Oh, he won't care," Hogan assured Schultz, "besides, he's got other guards on duty, what's the difference if one man goes missing?"
"Oh, Colonel Hogan, you always have to swim in dangerous waters." Schultz said.
"Oh, come now Schultz, have some fun, join us!" Hogan said.
The other prisoners agreed, and invited Schultz to ice skate with them, the more they insisted, the more Schultz tried not to smile, until finally, "alright, I'll go get my skates!"
Moments later, Schultz was dominating the rink, as he skated among the prisoners, and accidentally knocking them over with his big belly.
"Not bad out there, for a tub of lard, eh Colonel?" Newkirk asked Hogan.
"Not bad at all..." Hogan said, "he'd be dangerous out there if we were playing ice hockey."
"What was that about ice hockey?" Carter asked, as he skated by.
"The Colonel was mentioning that Schultz could be dangerous out there if we were playing ice hockey." Newkirk said.
"Say, there's an idea, why don't we challenge the Krauts to an ice hockey game?" Carter suggested.
"Not a bad idea, Carter..." Hogan said, "you boys said you wanted to break the monotony around here..."
Shortly later, two tables were laying on their sides at the end of each room, set up as the goals. On one side, the guards of Stalag 13 were lined up, while on the other side, the prisoners were lined up. Carter was the goalie for the prisoners' team, while Hogan and Newkirk kept off to the side as the referees.
"I almost forgot about that closet full of hockey sticks." Newkirk mentioned.
"Yeah, and these potatoes will make for nice hockey pucks." Hogan said.
Newkirk laughed. "At least we won't have to eat them."
"Alright, you guys know the rules," Hogan said, "and I better not see anybody tying the laces of an opponent's skates together, I know how sneaky some of you guys can be."
"There goes our game plan..." one prisoner mumbled to the other.
Klink picked up his phone, and called for the motor pool. "Motor pool, is my staff car fixed yet?" No answer. "Motor pool?" Still no answer, so Klink began disconnecting, and reconnecting himself. "Hello, operator? Hello?" Klink was confused as to why nobody was answering his calls, so he stepped out of his office, and into Hilda's. "Fraulein Hilda? Is there some kind of problem with the phone lines that I am not aware of?"
"Not that I am aware of, herr Kommadant..." Hilda said.
Klink was confused. Grabbing his hat, and coat, Klink stepped out of his quarters, and onto the front porch, looking around, and seeing absolutely no one in sight. No prisoners, no guards, nobody. In fact, Stalag 13 almost looked like an abandoned ghost town.
"Where is my camp?!" Klink asked, thinking he almost heard his own voice echo through-out the emptiness of the camp. "Is this a test?" Klink asked himself. "Is General Burkhalter testing me? Is this his way of seeing how I would handle losing not only my staff, but all of my prisoners at the same time? Ohhh, I knew I was a failure... the General might as well bust me down to..."
Just then, Klink heard faint cheering coming from the rec hall.
"What the..." Klink said, as he made his way over to the rec hall.
Inside, the prisoners and the guards continued with their game of ice hockey. At one moment, Schultz has a monopoly of the potato being used for the puck, and when he sees he has a clear shot, and whacks the potato towards the table being used for the Allies' goal. Carter was a split second too late, as he tried to block Schultz's shot, resulting in another goal for the Germans, as they cheered once again.
"The Germans are creaming us, sir." Newkirk said to Hogan.
"Thank you, Corporal Obvious..." Hogan said, as Klink walked.
"Hogan!" Klink yelled. "What is all this?!'
"I know nothing!" Schultz said, as he skated up to Klink.
"I know you know nothing, that's why I never ask you if you know anything, because I know you always know nothing!" Klink said.
"I know..." Schultz said, sadly.
"You said you know nothing!" Klink said.
"I do, I do know nothing!" Schultz said.
"So how do you know, if you know nothing?" Klink asked.
"Oh, no, herr Kommandant, I said I know as in I know you know that I know nothing." Schultz said.
"Bah, what do you know?" Klink asked. "Colonel Hogan, what is the meaning of this?!"
"Just trying to break the monotony of prison life, Colonel." Hogan said.
"This is a prison camp, Hogan, not an amusement park!" Klink said.
"Yes sir," Hogan said, "sorry sir..."
"And this? What are you men doing off duty?" Klink asked his guards.
"I know nothing!" Schultz said.
"Oh, shut up!" Klink commanded.
"If I may, sir," Hogan butted in, "we were in the mood for a little friendly competition, so we challenged the guards to a game of ice hockey."
"I see... if this is the case, Hogan, then I have just one question for you..." Klink said.
"Oh? What's that sir?" Hogan asked.
"Why was I not invited?" Klink asked.
The prisoners all smirked.
"We didn't think you would accept, Colonel." Hogan said.
"I wouldn't!" Klink said. "As I told you, Hogan, I am running a prison camp, not an amusement park!" Klink paused. "But... it does look like you are having a good time in here... um... may I?"
"Alright with me, how about you fellahs?" Hogan asked his prisoners.
The prisoners nodded, and murmured in agreement that Klink should be able to join the game.
"Looks like you're in, Colonel." Hogan said.
"I'll get my skates!" Klink said, and pretty soon, he joined his staff's team in the hockey game, though ironically, once Klink joined in, the Allies seemed to scoring more goals then their competitors.
"That's the 'Iron Colonel' for you..." Hogan said.
"Indeed, he should be voted most valueable player for the other side!" Newkirk agreed.
"Oh, such bad luck, I do not understand!" Klink said, ready to toss his hockey stick across the room.
"Do not give up, herr Kommandant!" Schultz said. "Look, you have a clear shot, shoot! Shoot!"
"How do you expect me to concentrate, when you all keep yelling at me like that?" Klink asked, before he realized he did have a clear shot of the potato puck, so he shot it into the Allies' table. The guards cheered.
"Did I score a goal?" Klink asked.
"Jawohl, herr Kommadant!" Schultz said.
Klink felt proud. "I knew I was a natural! I'm telling you, I should be a professional athlete after the war!"
At the moment, a large black car pulled up outside the gate of Stalag 13, but since there were no guards on duty, nobody was there to open the gate.
"What is this?" Major Hochstetter asked, as he instructed his driver to open the gate himself, which he did.
With that, the car drove into the compound, but as Hochstetter stepped out of his car, he could see there was nobody in sight.
"There is something peculiar about this..." Hochstetter said, before he heard the cheering from the rec hall.
Shortly later, Klink was dominating the rink in his newfound confidence, as he scored another goal for the Germans.
"How are we doing?" Hogan asked.
"They're slowly inching up behind us, sir." Newkirk said.
At that moment, Hochstetter stormed into the rec hall, and saw what was going on.
"Klink!!!" Hochstetter yelled, starling the Kommandant so much, he slipped on the ice, and fell on his stomach.
"Oh, Major Hochstetter, so good to see you again." Klink lied.
"Klink, what are you doing?!" Hochstetter asked.
"Oh, I was... uh... I was uh..." Klink stammered, before he was working his way to his feet. "I was playing ice hockey..."
"No wonder General Burkhalter sees so many faults with this prison camp of your's, Klink! Fraternizing with the prisoners will not look good on your war record!" Hochstetter said.
"You are absolutely right, Major Hochstetter!" Klink said. "Alright, the game is officially over, Hogan, I want you and your men to clean up this mess, I want all you guards back on duty, and anyone I catch trying to pull another stunt like this again will get thirty days in the cooler!"
"Klink, I want to see you in your office, this instant!" Hochstetter yelled.
"Yes, Major Hochstetter, right away!" Klink said, as he hobbled out of the rec hall, still wearing his skates.
LeBeau, Baker, and Carter skated up to where Hogan and Newkirk were standing.
"Hochstetter in camp..." Baker said, "you know what that means..."
"Yep." Hogan said, quietly, so the Krauts wouldn't hear him. "We're back in business. Baker, better get the coffee pot."
"Right." Baker said, as he went to change back into his boots, as did the other prisoners.
The end.