Kind of important A/N- So I am really worried that people will hate this chapter… it's basically glimpses of Bella's first year without Edward, and how she copes. Next chapter will be one huge skip of two years to take us to the main plot; I just feel that this was needed. It may feel like the grief is being dragged out but that's a big part of this story. It will become an issue when Edward comes back- knowing what Bella went through that is, and it will not be so central from this chapter on.

It will all get better next chapter.

So yeah I was wondering is my writing okay in this? I could have spent a bit more time on this but I didn't have long, family stuff. Is it okay though? I've never written anything like this before.

This chapter took longer because it took longer to write- there are more words then the average I write. I'll be updating some of my other stories next

Please review! Thanks so much for the reviews for Chapter two! Thanks to- JenniCullen, Twilightlovergirl, Caww, Haayleey (:, MaddyShay and D for reviewing, you're all awesome :D

Chapter three

Song for the chapter- (Sober- Kelly Clarkson)

And I don't know

I could crash and burn but maybe

At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me

So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right

No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

*~*

Three months and I'm still breathing

Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know…

It's never really over, no.

Present

The year of 1942 was without a doubt the most painful, draining and miserable one of my existence.

And yet I learnt a lot about myself, and grew up, maturing in a way that many girls my age hadn't. I had experienced a nightmare, and hopefully come out of it stronger.

I went through different stages during my grief for Edward- denial, anger, fear, guilt and eventually some form of acceptance.

It was difficult, but it made me feel normal- and only convinced me that what I felt for him was real even more then ever.

And dare I say it; things are now looking up- even though the pain still feels fresh at times.

But not quite as strong as the pain from the past few months though…

*~*~*

June 1942

Denial.

It had been three months since I had found out the news, 92 days to be exact.

How had so much time passed?

How did things continue to stay so normal?

For instance- how did the sun manage to rise every day, how did people continue their day to day business? How did I wake up breathing and living the days?

…How could all this happen when he wasn't in this world anymore?

After word had spread about Edward, my parents had begged me to go and stay with them for a while, Alice asked me to go and live with her family multiple times but I just couldn't agree. I had to stay here.

…Because although this house was painful to be in because of the memories- that was the reason I couldn't give it up. This was Edward's home nearly all his life. It gave me a connection to him, and I knew I would never live anywhere else but here.

Plus although it sounded strange… for the past few months I had this bizarre belief that he would come back. Or that he was still with me somehow.

It was as if when I lay awake at night, he was there watching. Or he was there in my dreams that felt so life like that I became convinced that they were real.

I was in denial that he had really gone… until now.

Because today is June the 20th… and is what would have been his 21st birthday. And as I stood at his memorial (that was empty, they were unable to find his body) I didn't feel him near me.

When I reached home though, I sat for a while looking at the one picture I had of Edward and me. It was taken on his birthday last year around his parent's house… it was a nice day.

As always though, it was better when it was just the two of us, alone…

After celebrating Edward's birthday all day with both of our family and friends we were finally back at our house. It was late, and the both of us were cuddled up talking about our plans for the future- that didn't seem so far away if it weren't for the fact that I felt so young in comparison to him.

It had started off with me teasing him calling him old, being that he was now no longer a teenager. However it had turned into me feeling jealous- because it made me feel a lot younger somehow… I couldn't wait to be eighteen after all.

"It won't be long now, and once you finally turn eighteen we'll do what we've always talked about… we'll go travelling" he whispered against my cheek, as he hugged me from behind, rocking us gently, "we'll go anywhere you want to go. So what do you feel like? Mexico, Canada, Europe…?"

"Hmm…" I replied, contemplated as I rested my head on his shoulder. As an idea came to mind a smirk grew on my face, " well how about Alaska?"

"Alaska?" he said, surprised, "Are you sure?"

"Completely" I confirmed for him.

"Well okay… Alaska it is then! Anywhere you want, love" he said softly, kissing my cheek.

To be honest there was so many places I wanted to visit, so many experiences I wanted, so many cultures I wanted to experience…

To start with I wanted to see South America and feel the heat and see the sunsets, I wanted to see the beauty of the Niagara Falls in Canada. I also wanted to see the museums in France and try the food; to match that I wanted to drink tea in the countryside in England…

However, those were all things that were probably impossible for me to do. Being that I'm only young and I've never had endless supplies of money that amount of travelling would cost.

That didn't matter though, because my life was perfect here in Chicago with Edward. I wouldn't want any of those experiences without Edward by my side anyway.

"Do you promise?" I eventually asked him quietly.

Nuzzling his face into my neck, he breathed against my skin- "I promise."

I still had a few months until my eighteenth. It would be a huge milestone in my life, but it won't be important to me, in another life it might have been… but not now.

*~*~*

September 1942

Anger.

In my head the most depressed and sarcastic version of the birthday song kept whirling around-

'Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me…'

Everyone was there with me- my parents, Alice, Jacob, Edward's parents and even his older brother Emmett who bought his new wife Rosalie. To top that off, Alice had even invited some people I didn't really know such as the over-friendly mailman who I recently found out is called Micheal Newton. She also invited a few friends from school-, which was years ago! I couldn't even remember all their names- something like Eric, Angela, Jessica… most of them were married now, and with effort I was able to be happy for them all.

I knew that if the situation was different that I would have been married by now… heck I probably would have been half the way to Alaska, travelling. Something I would now never have, and would never do.

Yeah I know I sound angry and bitter right now, but I didn't care.

This was my first birthday without Edward, and dare I say it- I was angry with him.

He had been there for every birthday I'd ever had, but not this one.

… There was no reason to celebrate.

"Happy birthday to you… happy birthday to you…. Happy birthday to Bella… happy birthday to you!"

Everyone chanted the song and I forced a smile the best I could.

"Aren't you happy? You're eighteen sweetie! You always said you wanted to be didn't you?" my mother Renee said from beside me, taking hold of my hand.

"Yeah I did, didn't I?" I murmured rhetorically.

"My daughter… all grown up already," Charlie mumbled quietly and randomly, he looked overwhelmed at everything.

"You can do everything you want to now" Renee continued talking, acting the happiest I've seen her in a long time.

Alice was cautious, and didn't say anything. Edward's family was also looking warily at me; even Emmett who was usually the loudest out of everyone was quiet.

I never replied to Renee's comment, and the subject was eventually changed slightly- it was Alice's eighteenth in just a few weeks, and a party was being planned.

I was glad for the subject change.

I closed my eyes holding back the tears, and instead imagined Edward was beside me, whispering into my ear, holding my hand and telling me how much he loved me.

But he wasn't there.

*~*~*

October 1942

Guilt

It was a Sunday morning, and was warm again- I assumed it was the last warm day we would get before the winter. The sun was uncharacteristically bright and high in the sky, making everything look better and clearer then usual; I used to always tell Edward that if the sun shone then it meant that something good would happen that day.

Who knows if that really is true anymore…?

Renee convinced me to go with her to church like I used to- she always was very religious, and out of courtesy Charlie and me would always go with her every week. It had been months since I had gone.

I wanted to make an effort so I actually bothered to pick out a nice outfit and make myself look presentable; something I just hadn't done the last five months.

When we were all in the church Renee sat on the left-hand side of me, holding my hand in an encouraging way, whilst Charlie sat the other side of me, with his arm pressed against mine.

I knew everyone in the church, having seen their faces when passing through the town or having actually known them properly. For example- everyone from my birthday party was there.

All was fine… that is until the service began.

After singing the hymns the vicar spoke about the war, and how although god would hate the battles and conflicts, that we should all pray for everyone that was out to war at the moment. And so together we all prayed that they would come home safely.

Afterwards the vicar also praised the men that had voluntarily signed up- he called them courageous.

And although I should have felt pride- proud of my Edward who did just what the vicar was talking about- instead I felt guilty.

I could have saved him… stopped him from going in the first place.

What if I had begged him to stay with me… made him feel guilty, therefore securing that he didn't go?

… If I had done that, he would still be alive.

Alive.

…Does that mean that his death is my fault?!

The guilt hit me terribly, and once again I felt the tears begin to form- I fought against them as hard as I could.

These were not tears of sadness for once; they were tears of frustration, regret and guilt.

I'm sorry, Edward.

*~*~*

November 1942

Fear

It was nearly a year since he had been gone; the time was creeping up on me, it was still continuing to pass far too quickly considering the circumstances.

I thought that as time passed that the pain was supposed to get easier?

I was afraid of so many things- what if the pain never went, and it stayed with me forever- this crushing all consuming feeling?

I was also afraid of what I was going to do, I knew I would have to do something with my life soon. My parents wouldn't stand for me being alone and miserable forever- what if they wanted me to find someone else to marry?!

As well as those fears I also felt fear for what Edward's last moments were like- was he alone? Was he in unbearable pain? Was the whole experience in the war miserable? Did he have regrets?

I considered all of these things as I sat in my living room with Alice who was here for the afternoon. It had been quiet for a couple of minutes, which was unusual for her. I knew something was on her mind.

"Oh I just remembered! Bella I have something exciting to tell you!" Alice said excitedly breaking the silence; she began jumping up and down.

"Oh yeah?" I murmured uninterested, my voice sounded flat.

She didn't seem to notice my lack of enthusiasm- there and again, when was I enthusiastic about anything these past few months?

"I met someone! His name's Jasper, he's just returned from the war- he said he knew Edward!!"

At the last word she said, I froze. Any mention of him always had me interested, and Alice had actually met someone who was with Edward at war?

"What…?" I finally managed to gasp out.

She knelt in front of me nodding; she took both my hands in hers.

"Jasper is the only son of my parents friends, he's just come back from the war after gaining a terrible injury. Last night my parents invited his family over and we got talking, I mentioned how a friend of mine had… died… and when I told him Edward's name he told me how he was placed with him in the same unit- they became good friends"

I nodded, trying to hold the tears in.

She smiled at me softly, stroking my hair, "he told me how brave and wonderful Edward was… I didn't ask him for too many details though. However, I did mention how you were Edward's fiancée and that you might want to know some things. He's away for a couple of weeks to get treatment, but when he comes back I thought you might want to meet him? So if you had any questions about Edward then you can find out?" she asked quietly, making it clear that she wasn't forcing me to do this.

I already knew my answer though- "yes… I do, thank you Alice" I replied gently, my voice still lifeless.

She told me she would come and meet me later, I knew she probably wanted to tell me more about Jasper himself- after all her face did light up at every mention of his name. But I was too numb to talk about the possibility of love as selfish as that sounds.

However before she left I did surprise her by pulling her into a tight hug, "thank you so much Alice, for everything- I mean it" I whispered into her spiky hair, hiding my damp eyes.

Although I didn't tell her what 'everything' meant, I knew that she knew what I meant- that I was thanking her not for the little things she did, but for being there. I was basically thanking her for being my best friend even when I wasn't being a good friend back.

"Your welcome" she whispered back over my shoulder, when she pulled away she had one single tear running down her cheek.

…A tear of happiness.

She thought I was making a break through.

Maybe I was.

*~*~*

December 1942

Acceptance

It was the first day of snow we'd had for this year, it made everything look fresh and so clean.

The air was the coldest it had been in a long time. I remembered the last time I had really appreciated the beauty of snow… the day Edward had left.

I would have wondered just why it was that I suddenly began noticing it after this time, but I instead found myself focused on Jasper's stories from the war.

Jasper Whitlock certainly was an interesting man, his blue eyes seemed to shine as he explained his stories as expressively as he could to Alice and me. From what I gathered he loved being in the war, he looked so proud when he talking about protecting his country.

… His selflessness reminded me of Edward's personality- perhaps that's was part of the reason why they had become such good friends while at war together.

It was clear that he and Alice adored eachother, you could see it from the way they looked at the other person. For once it didn't hurt so much to see other people with these emotions- it used to.

Besides, it really was lovely to see my best friend so happy.

They talked for a while and I listened, laughing at some of their stories- it felt weird- I had forgotten what laughing really was like, I hadn't done it in so long…

However soon the conversation became a lot more serious, I started off with questions such as 'was Edward happy?' and 'Were you two good friends?' Jasper only ever responded with positive answers. It was obvious that he thought of Edward as a really good friend and that Edward's death affected him deeply as well.

Although it changed the atmosphere I had to ask some darker questions- the ones that had made me afraid for so long. I needed to put my mind at ease.

"What was it that killed him?" I whispered, looking down at my hands.

"He was shot" Jasper replied quietly, not going into too much detail.

I looked up at him; Alice was now holding his hand, comforting him- he looked upset, clearly remembering the horrible events in his mind.

"Were you there when it happened then?" I asked him nervously.

"No I wasn't… but I found him shortly afterwards" he replied.

I took a deep breath, afraid to ask this question, I already knew the answer after all- "Was he… in a lot of pain?"

Jasper took a long time to reply, he looked indecisive.

"Please just tell me the truth" I urged him, trying to make myself look more demanding- I didn't want him to think I was weak, even though that's exactly what I was.

"Okay, I'll be honest with you. Yes, he was in pain, but not for that long" he told me.

I didn't doubt Jasper's honesty; sincerity rang through his voice thick and clear.

"Okay, I expected that much" I said quietly.

"He didn't seem that frightened though," Jasper commented, looking thoughtful. "Towards the end just as Dr Cullen got there, he actually mentioned you a few times" he said softly.

"He did?" I asked surprised.

"Yes, he kept saying things like 'I love you, Bella' and 'I'm sorry, Bella' …I think he was imagining you were with him" he explained.

I didn't know what to say out loud, but on the inside my mind was doing cartwheels.

I chose the most off-hand comment I could- "That must have been confusing for you, not knowing who I was" I murmured, looking down at my hands.

"But I did- everyone in our unit did. Because before the disaster happened… you were all that Edward talked about, you were the reason that he wanted to keep fighting" he explained to me, his voice kind.

He lost the fight though.

I didn't go into any more detail with my questions- I knew I would find out more as time passed, and I already knew enough by this point.

I left Alice and Jasper and walked home alone, walking quickly to make sure it was still light when I got back.

…Having heard what Jasper told me made things suddenly seem so much lighter and easier. Because now I know that Edward wasn't unhappy, and he didn't die in an unbearable situation compared to some things that happen. I knew that he made friends… and he was happy, because he was planning for his life after the war.

I sat by the window watching the snowfall, and remembered my last day with Edward. And as I let the images replay in my head for once I didn't cry… I smiled as I thought about our once-in-a-lifetime love.

I knew I was getting better… it was taking a long time but I was now taking the first steps towards accepting his death.

I knew it was real- that he really was gone forever. But I was now coping with that thought.

And as I sat home alone I accepted that this is my life now, and I'll get used to it- the lack of it.

Next chapter preview:

"So what do ya think? Would you like to go out with me sometime?"

As I considered my answer I took everything into consideration… I suppose it had been years since Edward had died. Edward would want me to be happy.

I had been so alone and so unhappy for so long after all.

And this guy was wonderful; he had been there for me the whole 3 years, always being patient allowing me to grieve my lost love.

I finally replied, ignoring my instincts that were screaming 'no, don't do this' to me- "yeah, I would love to"

Please please pretty pleeeease review. Last chap got 6 reviews, so can we get that again? I'll update as soon as I can if I do!

Anyway... this has taken hours. And now I'm starting an update for another of my stories, not sure which one yet :)

This chapter wasnt too depressing was it..? Please stay with this story, as you probably know it WILL get a LOT happier VERY soon!