A/N- Wow, wow, wow thank you for the reviews!! They were awesome and its great to see a lot of people replying. Thanks to- vampiregirl1654, twilightobsessed12, caww, XxXSilverShadowXxX, Haayleey (:, safarise, bliitz, Iheldyourhand, the doll tales, aman, EmilieDeVere, CauldronCakeBaker and randomreviewer for reviewing!

I'm nervous about this chapter. I really hope its okay, but I'm afraid its not. I'm keeping this A/N short for that reason!

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Thinking of you

Chapter five

(Song for this chapter- Carrie Underwood, Just a dream)

Baby why'd you leave me?

Why'd you have to go?

I was counting on forever

…Now I'll never know.

I can't even breathe,

It's like I'm looking from a distance

Standing in the background

Everybody's saying he's not coming home now

This can't be happening to me,

This is just a dream.

Previously…

As I sat in peace, thinking of both Edward and Jacob it seemed like things were easier now.

But little did I know what was ahead of me, and how my life was going to be so abruptly altered so soon, and it would be full of heartache, surprise and pain.

I didn't know that the decisions I would have to make soon would be so much tougher then what I've ever faced.

And most importantly… I wasn't aware of who or what was watching me right now.

March 1944

More time passed, and now that it was March, the winter was closer to ending and with it my life continued to change- just like the seasons.

There was no longer any snow because instead the clouds replaced them, with the sun sometimes casually making its appearance.

It was bizarre, but lately I seemed to prefer the clouds… whenever it was sunny I felt uneasy somehow? You could call it exposed perhaps. Somehow the sunshine didn't feel as safe as the dark did.

Back to life then- ever since the night of my first date with Jacob things have been good and consistent with us. We were now practically inseparable. I must admit I do rely on him far too much for everything.

I also lived on the belief that he wouldn't leave, after all he had actually been so loyal through out my darker days and so far he had been wonderful in our relationship. People always commented on how much he cared for me.

However, I knew I could be more loyal. After all whenever we are together my thoughts always stray to Edward- it's not intentional… I couldn't help it. I always think things like 'his touch is different to Edward', I tried not to compare them but it was difficult.

It was getting easier though, I knew I did genuinely care for Jacob now. It couldn't compare to the love I had for Edward, but I was happy with Jacob- I knew it would remain that way.

It was the late afternoon and I was on my way back from work alone, it was Jacob's day off and he was meeting me back at the house. I insisted I wanted to walk by myself- I enjoyed having the moments to just think to myself.

Today I let my thoughts focus on my friends, and how lucky I felt nowadays.

When I told Alice, Rosalie and everyone about me and Jacob they were all happy for me. They didn't once judge me for my decision.

The only person who eventually made a comment was Jasper; all he said was 'are you sure about this?'- I knew he didn't just mean me getting together with Jacob, he also meant me accepting the truth about Edward.

I responded with yes but the real response in my mind was no. I wasn't sure about any of it. I couldn't be sure about anything anymore, only that I was mildly happy again.

Just as I was musing about what to do with the week coming up, I looked around me, at the surrounding city life. It was full of people all travelling somewhere out to work or home to someone.

I looked across the street, and once again my attention was diverted.

…By the bronze hair I could once again see amongst the crowds.

It couldn't be… not again?

I stood rooted to the spot just like last time, a mere two months ago. I kept my eyes fixated on that beautiful shade.

And then perhaps due to my wishful thinking or my desperation but the crowd broke apart slightly, and I could see just who it was.

Even though it was only a blink-and-you'll-miss-it viewing, I knew that face.

I knew him better then I knew myself.

I tried to call out to him but my voice got caught in my throat.

My mind kept rejoicing though- it's him, it's him!

My Edward, its my Edward!

His expression looked sad somehow, he looked tired with shadows under his eyes- despite the distance I could see them clearly. He was focused ahead on something and didn't glance in my direction.

However unlike him my expression was full of joy, I could feel my smile stretched across my face. I took a step forward, ready to cross the road and run up to him. So I could run into his arms and tell him how much I missed him and love him.

I love you, I always have, I always will…

However my step closer to Edward meant that I stepped in someone's way, they were walking too fast and ended up shoving into me slightly mumbling a quiet 'sorry', but the force which they had bumped into me at made me stumble.

When I had finally regained my balance, having grabbed hold of the streetlight I looked back up to that spot- just to see that he was gone. I couldn't see him anywhere.

Disappointment and despair flooded me, because I hadn't got to talk to him- to see him close up. I had waited so long for that moment and had only just missed out…

It will happen soon enough though.

At that thought the disappointment faded and the joy and sheer happiness returned, though this time it was stronger then before.

My emotions kept changing so quickly it was staggering, but that was the way people felt after getting the most wonderful surprise right?

I turned on my heel and began sprinting towards my home, it was only a short run but because of the speed I somehow managed I could feel my lungs burning.

I didn't care though.

"Jacob… Jacob! I have something to tell you!" I yelled as I ran into the house. I slammed the door behind me and leant against it, getting my breath back.

Almost immediately he came running into the room, "What is it Bella, what's wrong?" he asked worriedly as he approached me, his eyes looking all over me looking for damage of some sort.

…I didn't know why I was planning on telling Jacob this, I didn't think about the consequences before I spoke.

If I knew what was going to happen after I told him, then I wouldn't have said anything.

But unfortunately, I'm not psychic or a mind reader. And because of my pure elation, I told him what I had seen without hesitation. Not even taking into consideration the way he may react to it.

"Nothings wrong…" I assured him, "But something has happened… I-I… I saw him, on my way back just now"

"Saw who?" he asked confused; he was frowning and I could also hear the suspicion in his tone.

I took a deep breath, I hadn't said his name in a long time now- having only kept it to my memory- "I saw Edward" I breathed.

Suddenly Jacob's expression shifted, he no longer looked confused, and he looked angry. Was it anger because I was so happy about seeing Edward? Or anger because of something else?

But his next words were not what I was expecting- "Be serious Bella" he snapped, turning to walk away from me.

I followed him as he walked into the living room, trying to convince him I was right.

"Don't you believe me?" I asked him.

He turned around to face me, his expression unreadable. "No I don't" he replied.

"Jacob... I swear I saw him... he was there- please, you have to believe me..." I begged him, telling him to understand.

Suddenly, I saw a side to Jacob I had never seen before. He looked murderously angry...

"You have to stop this Bella." – stop what? - "He's dead, remember? He's been that way for a long time. You're with me. He's not your fiancée anymore..."

It then clicked what was bothering Jacob… he was jealous, jealous because of how I still felt about Edward.

I suddenly felt terribly guilty.

"I never said he was Jacob… I just said that I swear I-" I panicked, trying to reassure him.

"Enough!" he suddenly shouted, cutting me off, "Can't you see what your doing Bella?! You acting as if he's still alive… like I don't exist, like I don't matter."

"No, Jacob I'm not…" I argued.

"Stop denying it, damn it! I know he's all you think about," he growled, raising a hand slightly as if he wanted to hit something, or someone.

"That's not true" I lied, trying to make my voice calming.

"It is Bella, why are you not admitting it? I know its true- I hear you at night… saying his name in your sleep; I see the way you close off sometimes deep in thought as if you're remembering something. I know where you really go when you just have to 'go into town'…" he paused, taking a deep breath. His face was turning red from the anger; I was frightened from this side of him I was seeing.

I didn't reply to what he said.

He laughed quietly without humour, shaking his head- "…and you know what the craziest thing is? You think about him so much, that even though he's been dead for three years – you still kid yourself into thinking that he's freaking alive"

The last sentence hit me hard as the realisation creeped in. Surely there was no way Edward could be alive… could he?

No.

It's just not possible… I got told he was dead. If he was alive he would be back here with me, I know he would.

Jacob looked even more furious now, was he reading my mind? Was I speaking out loud? His next words were completely to do with what I was just thinking- "News flash Bella- He's dead okay? Gone. Accept it, now."

As his words hit me like a ton of bricks I felt the hot tears well up in my eyes. "Why are you yelling at me like this?" I whispered, my voice cracking.

However, Jacob didn't pay attention to the fact that I was crying; he just continued yelling- "Because it's about time someone did! Your still in denial Bella… and this thing with us is never going to work if you can't move on"

"It can work, I have moved on…" I lied- I knew I was lying and Jacob knew it too.

"No you haven't," he said slowly, talking to me as if I was stupid.

…Maybe I am.

He continued talking- "You still love him don't you?"

"I don't know…" I mumbled, though I knew the truth- I did, I always would.

Jacob now looked even more defeated, "Why can't you love me, huh? Why do you have to still love him when he's not even alive?"

Jacob was right. Why couldn't I love him? Until now he had never raised his voice at me… he always treated me so well…

But I just couldn't fall in love with him.

I didn't know what to say.

"Tell me!" he snapped; his loud voice made me jump.

"I just do!" I screamed my voice was now bordering on hysterical.

In a second he closed the distance, he grabbed hold of my wrists tightly in his strong hands.

"Why can't you love me?" he hissed his voice angry, though I could see the sadness and the possibility of tears in his eyes.

His grip on my wrists tightened.

"Jacob, you're hurting me…" I whimpered, trying to get out of his grasp.

"Just answer my question!" he yelled, his face now even closer to my own.

I closed my eyes tight shaking my head, I continued trying to fight against him.

He gripped them even tighter, so tight I ended up crying out in pain, he shook me and continued shouting- "Answer now Bella, or I swear I will-"

"Get off her!" a voice suddenly thundered from across the room. I looked around to see Alice and Jasper behind us, running into the room alarmed.

Instantly Jacob let go of my wrists, I fell to the floor sobbing, feeling the burn due to the blood rushing back up to my hands.

Jacob stood near me, his expression now softer. He reached out towards me with one hand, but was cut off as Jasper pushed him away from me. Jasper's face expression was furious- furious with Jacob, not me.

"Get away from her… now" Alice hissed at him, it was as if Jacob's actions were sinking into his mind. Because Jasper walked back over to Alice and me Jacob didn't follow. Instead he backed away, his eyes wide with horror. "I'm sorry" he gasped out. Alice ignored him- "come on Bella, your coming with me and Jasper" she said soothingly taking hold of my hand.

I wasn't able to respond much- I merely nodded to let them know it was okay.

Together both her and Jasper pulled me up, and we began to walk towards the door.

Just before we left I glanced back at Jacob- he still wore that same expression of horror, though now it was full or regret and sorrow as well.

"I'm sorry Bella" he said softly, he sounded devastated.

"I'm sorry too" I breathed out, my voice still croaking. He nodded, and let me go.

Alice looked at me incredulously when I apologised, silently asking 'why are you apologising to him!?' … but she hadn't seen everything that happened. All she saw was Jacob yelling at me, not my insane thoughts earlier, which wound him up and devastated him.

Jacob shouldn't have apologised, it should have only been me. I was sorry because I didn't think before I acted. It wasn't fair to Jacob –or to anyone- for me to still believe all that about Edward.

Firstly, it wasn't fair to Jacob because of how much he had done for me. I know he loves me and yet all I do is compare him to someone who I will always love much more.

It isn't fair that I can't give all of myself to Jacob.

To top it all off… believing Edward is still alive isn't fair to me. All I am doing is giving myself false hope… believing in something that isn't there anymore.

Because it had sunk in now… I must have imagined seeing Edward.

… Because he's dead, and as far as I can recall people don't just suddenly reappear in your lives once they're gone like that.

I had known this for so long, and yet I had always believed somehow that Edward was still here.

What I had never thought about was what my lingering on Edward did to everyone around me- it crushed them just as much as it did me to see my hopes come to nothing.

I'm a horrible, horrible person.

Once we had arrived at Alice and Jaspers they sat me down on one of their sofa chairs, Alice was next to me with her arm around my shoulders comfortingly. Jasper sat opposite, perched on the edge of the coffee table, he looked deep in thought.

I felt so guilty… this wasn't fair on them either.

"What happened Bella?" Alice asked gently, brushing her fingers through my hair.

I shook my head, fighting the tears. "I don't want to talk about it, not yet" I whispered.

I expected her to argue, but instead she replied just as gently as before- "that's fine, if you ever want to tell me then I'll be here"

"Thank you" I breathed, leaning against her.

Thankfully, they didn't press for any more information. I would tell them at some point… just not now.

Eventually it turned into the evening, and then the night.

It was weird just how long the day had felt, almost like it would never end.

Alice and Jasper told me to stay in the guestroom, knowing I wasn't ready to go back home yet.

But hours passed as I lay in bed and accepted that sleep wasn't going to come. There was far too much on my mind now to even contemplate that.

So instead, ignoring my better judgement I decided to go out for a walk, knowing where I was heading.

The streets were dark, cold and empty. I felt a little frightened at every little noise I heard, the creaks and the slamming of doors, as I passed peoples houses. I wanted to turn back though I knew it was too late to back out from my decision now.

I made my way to the final spot I saw him alive- where I said goodbye to him just over three years ago.

There was nothing really to see, but I knew where I was standing was sacred. It was the last place he held me, kissed me and told me that he loved me.

Before I lost him.

I was wrong in believing I could move on… all this time that I thought things were going to get easier…

I was so wrong.

… Simply because it never has.

Why did I think that committing to another relationship was a good idea… when I knew that my heart would always belong to someone else?

I looked up towards the sky, seeing the stars high above me, wondering what it would like to be that high up…

That's it!

Finally after these long three years my decision has become clear.

I was going to join him, go back to him… once and for all. Just like I wondered about three years ago I would finally test- would I fly or fall?

I looked at the warehouse besides me, it was deserted, and three floors high… it was high enough.

Without looking back I ran inside, climbing up the hundreds of steps to make it to the top I felt the strain it caused on me- the pain it caused on my legs and the burn in my lungs.

None of that mattered though when I made it to the top, because I could see everything.

The whole city was so beautiful, everything around me was.

My outlook was dim, but my mind was clear and euphoric… I could be with him again.

I didn't wait long.

I soon crossed the distance to the edge, taking a step up. I knew that once I took the final step that would be it, I could see everything beneath me that looked so small from this height.

But I wasn't afraid.

I closed my eyes, as the gentle wind swayed around me.

I mentally prepared myself… I was ready. I had just one more thing to say- "Edward, I love you"

And then I reached my foot forward, ready to fall or to fly…

But some force pulled me backwards and I flew into something. I kept my eyes tightly closed, not wanting to see the ground drawing closer.

But after a few moments I realised I wasn't falling. I was cold though- lying on something, but I was alive. I was breathing the cold air, feeling my heart beating rapidly in my chest and the blood rushing through my veins.

And then my heart rate sped up even more, as a beautiful voice whispered to me, the lips at my ear- "Bella? Your safe, it's okay. Open your eyes…"

I did as the voice requested… and the sight in front of me stunned me to silence.

I was just inches away, within touching distance this time…

He was holding me; I could feel his arms around me keeping me against him. His newly golden eyes were locked with my own… they were beautiful.

He looked so different… and yet the same.

…I knew it, I knew he was alive! I knew it all along…

"Edward… its you…" I breathed.

Next chapter preview:

"Why didn't you come back before? I waited three years for you; I grieved for you every single day. Why didn't you come back before…?"

"Because I thought you were happy without me, I wanted you to be happy!"

Yayy! Haha :) I'm excited about the next chapter now.

Please please let me know what you think about this chapter... I'm desperate to know, this is the chapter I had in my mind since the beginning! I hope it was okay... Any chance we could get to 47/48 reviews? :) That would be amazing! Just as long as I hear some peoples thoughts I will update nonetheless though :)

Thanks for reading!