This is the longest chapter I've ever written for any of my stories so I've took the liberty of splitting it in two parts!
I hope you enjoy it & please feel free to point out any mistakes I've made, it'd be very much appreciated :]
Also, the reason I never stated what happened to Pammy's step dad in the last chapter is because Harleen may be talking about it in greater detail later. Also, I'm thinking of writing an origins story for Pamela Isley too so I may leave her to tell you what happened.
*Begs for reviews* - right so for every review I get for ANY of my stories I will review one of your own stories capiche? Awesomes! :P
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thought I'd make things a little more interesting here :] ALSO I'm sure I've made an error on one or two of my stories by stating that Jonathan Crane or Harleen received a PhD when in fact in the Psychological field it is actually an MD that is attained. Psychology is medicine based due to a lot of treatments being biomedical – duh! I really don't understand why I didn't connect the two, I'm a big idiot :S So I do apologise and I will try to find & fix this.
"Now we can follow you back home but we won't.
Is this what you had waited for? Just to be alone?
It takes some time to let you go and it shows." – 'All We Know' by Paramore
Leaving Home: Part 1
Moving to New York was a huge step for me in more ways than one. I was due to move in with my aunt and uncle for a few weeks before my new job kicked up and I started getting some money in to fund toward getting my own place. Not only did it require me moving to a different state with my new career but it also forced the truth to come out. Pammy didn't want me to go but she understood that I wanted a better life. It was becoming more apparent as I got older that Gotham wasn't the best place to live. Being a child growing up there, you get told about the possible dangers of it from a young age but you never quite understand the severity of it until you're old enough to realise just how crime ridden it is. Though I was interested in criminality, I didn't want to live around it and risk being a victim myself. It was when I got to my later years of High School that I started to question my mother and father about why they didn't simply move away but they constantly told me it wasn't an option. Why this was, I don't know. It's not that I wanted to move away at the time, not unless I could take Pammy with me anyway. It was just that I thought there was something much more to life than staying in Gotham forever. I wanted a fresh slate, new people, new experiences. New York seemed to be the perfect place to go.
My mother and father held a leaving 'party' for my big move. When I say party I don't mean a bouncing off the walls, things getting broken, drunken dancing party with your friends. I mean a dull gathering that would consist of my parents' friends getting drunk and sitting around gushing about the meaning of life like they actually give a damn about it. They really couldn't care less, as long as they had their 4x4 cars and pretty white houses, the things that required intensive thinking didn't matter. Pammy's mother came with a date that I can't put a name or face to so naturally Pammy didn't wish to be around her, she found it embarrassing. Like I said before, Rosalie Isley would never lose out on admirers.
Jonathan's parents were there which was in fact the first time they'd been over to our family home in a while due to Elijah's workload. However despite them being there, Jonathan arrived alone to see me off. He had just freshly been hired to teach at Gotham University* so he didn't wish to make them aware of his presence. All because they would pretend to be proud of him and this appeared to be something he just couldn't stomach but knowing the falseness of Nancy Crane, I understood why. However this meant the 'party' was divided into two. While me, Pammy and Jonathan hid out in the garden, my mother and father entertained their friends inside. Now this was pretty silly considering we were all adults but as long as we were out of dodge of the parents then it didn't really matter where we were. After all, I've experienced many times that parents and alcohol don't mix well.**
I remember Jonathan was pretty jittery all night. Though he always appeared to be on edge, I could tell by the way he would wander off every now and then to take 'phone calls' that something wasn't quite right. At first I thought that he was acting strangely due to his parents being there but it wasn't till me and Pammy decided to sit down the bottom of the garden on the grass together after we'd had a few drinks that I found out this wasn't the reason. It must have been the tenth time that Jonathan had disappeared to take another 'call' and in all honesty I was beginning to get worried. It seemed the perfect time for Pammy to see her window of opportunity and tell me what she apparently knew all along.
"You know, he's pretty bummed about you leaving." She told me as we sat there on the grass with our empty glasses that had newly been drained of yet another vodka and coke – not too classy I know but we'd become accustomed to it after being students for so long. After all, it was a pretty cheap way to have fun during spring break. Now I knew that Jonathan would probably miss me but I seriously doubted he would let it surface like this. Not in such a public place, after all displaying emotions never was his thing.
"How do you know? Johnny never tells you anything," I told her. I never usually referred to Jonathan as 'Johnny' unless I was drunk or tipsy and in this case I was the latter. Either way, deep down it made me cringe. However Red noticed this and smiled as she shook her head knowingly.
"He doesn't need to tell me Harl, as much as he irritates me I can tell when something's bothering him." I didn't quite understand why she was so bothered with telling me this. I knew that Pammy had never taken a shine to Jonathan but she never really approved of any men that were in my life so I was used to it. However it wasn't this that puzzled me about her wanting to tell me the real reason, what confused me was why she wanted to do Jonathan the favour by telling me. I figured from this that a small part of her had accepted him in some way; they were around each other enough on a weekly basis for a good 5 years. The truth is that with all things considered concerning the previous men in her life, the unfortunate thing is that her faulty relationship with Jonathan was probably the longest one she'd ever had with someone of the opposite sex. However I failed to see how she could possibly have an objective view on what was the matter with him but I definitely knew there was something wrong.
"Well don't think I haven't noticed there's something not quite right but it's probably just because his mom's here Pammy. The woman's a pain in the ass." I turned the blame back on Nancy again because it seemed like a pretty valid point. I refused to believe that Jonathan would show any genuine sadness about me leaving. I wouldn't have been as bothered if I were stone cold sober but the alcohol had eliminated the practicality of rational thought. However on this occasion, Red wasn't willing to accept the explanation being Nancy.
"Now as much of a pain in the ass she may be, that's definitely not the reason honey. I've seen the way he looks at you. I've noticed that hang dog expression he's had painted on his face all night like some sad little puppy dog. I think he might be in love with you Harley, I mean he has always liked you." I couldn't believe what I was hearing, there's no doubt that if I'd had drink in my mouth, that would've been one of those moments where I'd spit it out everywhere. Though I did think Pammy was being a little presumptuous, looking back on some of Jonathan's behaviour now it makes perfect sense. The truth is that Jonathan held an air of superiority around the guys I dated. I remember the way he always made little condescending remarks to them that they never quite picked up on and constantly told me I could do better. Not once did I think he could have intended this to mean him and at the time I thought was that all the condescending comments were just Jonathan being himself. After all, he always did like to show his intellect in a less than modest way.
"What?" I asked astounded, however Red did nothing but smirk at the fact I was so oblivious to what was really going on. I'd always prided myself as being the intuitive type so it was unusual for me to not realise something like this sooner. With this taken into consideration added to the alcohol, naturally I refused to believe it was true.
"Don't be silly Red. It's never been like that. He just sees me as a really good friend that's all." I told her and her eyebrows shot up in what appeared to be mock surprise. Even while tipsy I could tell she thought I was lying through my teeth about it.
"Is that a fact?" she asked sarcastically and rolled her eyes. She really couldn't believe I didn't see it.
"Mm-hmm!" I told her as I rolled my head back to look up at the starry sky. I've learned since that Gotham looks so much more peaceful from above; it almost tricks you into believing it's just like anywhere else when in reality this couldn't be further from the truth. There was no doubt in my mind, even after hearing all this from Pammy about Jonathan, that leaving Gotham was a good idea. I turned to look at Pam again when she continued.
"Oh come on Harley, open your eyes a little. I thought you were supposed to be the intuitive type? You're a qualified Psychiatrist for God's sake! It's been staring you right in the face since we were at University." She had a point but I could feel myself getting even more frustrated by it. Though Pammy had been drinking, she could handle the effects of alcohol a lot better than I've ever been able to. This added to fact I knew she'd never lie to me was forcing my head to raise all kinds of questions. Was Jonathan in love with me? Did he really like me that way for all these years? The thought of it seemed incomprehensible to me. I just didn't want to believe it.
"What are you talking about?" I asked and she shook her head in disbelief before looking at me dead in the eye. There have been very few people I've been comfortable with doing this and Pammy is one of those few.
"Don't tell me you can't remember what he was like about you and that Guy Kopski." That was a reminder I didn't need. Guy Kopski is one of the worst mistakes I've ever made but I won't go into detail why right now. He just is. Jonathan was roommates with him in college; in fact he was the one that introduced us. But why would he introduce me to somebody he obviously knew was no good for me? Did he do it deliberately because he knew Guy would hurt me and that I'd need comforting from somebody? Did he want that somebody to be him? It was a twisted idea but believable. At least it would be if it were someone other than Jonathan.
"He wasn't acting any different Pammy," I stated and a smirk quickly formed on her face with a sudden twinkle in her eye as though she'd just figured something out. Like there was some kind of long winded answer she'd been looking for and suddenly discovered.
"You know what? I think the reason you didn't notice is because you chose not to. In my diagnosis sweetie, I think you're suffering from a bad case of denial." She said as though it were a matter of fact. And maybe it was. I didn't want to believe it after all, that's when I realised that Pammy was a lot more observant than I gave her credit for.
"What?" I asked, still not wanting to believe what she was saying even though there was that distinct voice inside of me that told me she was right. The truth was that I didn't want Jonathan to be in love with me, let alone think of me in such a way. In fact I was terrified at the thought of it. He was my friend and I was leaving for New York in the morning to start a new life. There was nothing good that could have possibly come from this but I sat there and let Red explain what she was thinking to me.
"Well it's pretty easy to understand." She started and I prepared myself for the worst as she sighed as though in contemplation of how to word it just right before she continued.
"The thing is that you don't want one of your closest friends to be attracted to you because you know it'd be hard to shut him out if you were to start a relationship with him. The truth is that you're scared about sharing everything you are with somebody else." There was the bombshell. Why was she saying this to me? Was it out of anger because I was leaving Gotham and therefore leaving her behind? I should have known why but I didn't and it frustrated me to no end that I was unable to figure it out. I was the goddamn psychiatrist and my botanist best friend was giving me a psychiatric evaluation. Where was the sense in that?
"That's not true," I told her but I refused to let her see how truly annoyed I was with her by biting my lip so I wouldn't grind my teeth. Looking back I don't understand why this annoyed me the way it did. I suppose the alcohol brought out the worst in me. I suppose it's a good thing that I've never been a big drinker.
"Isn't it?" she asked me with that underlay of sarcasm to her voice again. She must have been able to tell it was getting to me but she persisted, I think it amused her in a way. Her secretive best friend was unfurling; she'd finally figured her out.
"No it's not," I simply told her. It was getting old to me, really old.
"Well if it isn't then maybe you can explain why you constantly get involved with guys that you know you can't have a long term relationship with?" She asked and this really hit a nerve. I knew she was always honest about these guys but I wasn't expecting all this. It was my big send off and although my parents pretty much threw it for themselves, I wanted my best friends to give me a fond farewell and a good night. I wanted a good memory to look back on when I went away to my new life. This dissection wasn't exactly what I would have called something good to remember. With all things considered though, at least it was something I've remembered well.
"Oh and who are all these guys exactly?" I asked her though I knew full well who was included on that long list of pathetic wastes of life. If you could see who I'd dated you'd see what I mean. Pam was the one that made me realise how terrible they really were after each relationship ended. It was part of her job description as best friend for life. A job she's always tended to with the best intentions for me.
"Well, Guy Kopski was one of them." She carried on and reminded me yet again but she couldn't have been more wrong. Don't misunderstand me; if there's one person I can't stand, it's Guy Kopski. However this was because he was the one guy I could really see myself with. I thought he was different from the others before I was shocked into the realisation of how much of a pig he really was. If anything, he was worse than all the others. But like I said, I'll explain why later. However, this is when I lost control of my temper and flipped out on Red. I feel bad about it now because she was only trying to prove a point. The second mention of Guy Kopski was the straw that broke the camel's back, to repeat an old saying.
"Guy broke up with me, not the other way around!" I snapped through clenched teeth but she didn't appear to be phased by this in the slightest which I didn't like. For some reason I felt the sudden need to intimidate her. Like I said before, alcohol brings out the worst in me.
"It doesn't make a difference who ended it honey. I know how instinctive you are, you always follow your gut feeling about somebody whenever you meet them and I know you're always right about it. I'm telling you now, there's no way you would've felt deep down that it actually had a chance of lasting." From a more objective point of view she would have been right but I don't think she was. I just didn't have the heart to say anything in case I went back on my word which is one thing I've never liked doing. That and there was a small part of my mind telling me it was true. After I didn't reply she carried on talking. Evidently she was starting to feel bad about what she'd just said.
"Look, I've always told you that you don't need these guys Harley. They're losers but I know you. And I know that you don't want to be alone forever; you want to find somebody that'll stay with you no matter what. But if you're this scared of having a lasting relationship then what chance is there of ever finding someone who'd actually be willing to go the distance?" I didn't want to listen to this. She was right. What hope could I have had for happiness if I couldn't let people in? What the hell was wrong with me?
"I mean, it took a hell of a lot of hard work on my part to figure all that out about you and I've known you near enough all my life. You're a tough nut to crack Harl; you just need to open up a little." She told me and I didn't want to say anything in return about it. I didn't want to tell her she was right. I didn't want to think about all this the night before I went away. So I decided to make light of it. After all, I just wanted a good night, was that so much to ask for?
"Well at least I'll be tough enough for the city that never sleeps." I told her and she laughed slightly at this. I didn't want all this crashing down on me, that's what it felt like. The alcohol had made every feeling intensify. Looking back now maybe I was a little drunker than I first thought.
"Yeah, you're gonna do alright girl. Hell; anywhere's better than here," she said and it was true. Gotham had become a hotbed for criminal activity and dirty little secrets. The depression had caused things to spiral out of control and it was still going on beneath the city. I'd seen it before; I'd been down to the lower levels. Not a lot of people knew it but I'd seen how bad things were down there. As much as the criminal mind fascinates me, there's no way in hell I would have wanted to be there any longer than I did. Not a chance. It seems weird to people that I'd leave somewhere like Gotham because considering my profession; it should have been the one place I wanted to be. But like I said before, I didn't want to live inside of what I do. Escapism when you return home from a hard day's work is something that's really needed. In Gotham something like this is impossible.
"Yeah but no matter how bad it gets, it'll always be home." I told Pam and it was true. Gotham would always be my home which made it almost heartbreaking to see what it was being reduced to. I noticed Pammy resisting the urge to laugh as a huge smile formed on her face, I suppose the alcohol had got to her a little bit more than she was letting on. However as I was on the borderline of being drunk I didn't really notice it so much at the time. The possibility of her telling me all this because of being under the influence didn't even occur to me either because like I said, she could handle it a lot better than I could.
"Unfortunately," she replied and that's when she started giggling away and I joined her. The thing about Red is that she has one of those contagious laughs, when you hear it you can't help but join in. I've always loved little things like that. Whenever I was down and out all I'd have to hear is Pammy's laugh and I'd perk right up. If I could describe it, it'd be like how I'd imagine the bride of Dracula to laugh from one of those cheesy horror movies. It was kind of throaty and deep but I've always thought it to be one of the funniest sounds I've ever heard.
"What am I gonna do without you Pammy?" I asked whilst we were both recovering from our, well let's face it, it was drunken laughter. Looking back up at the stars she exhaled deeply as though deep in thought, I could tell how much she didn't want me to go without her even saying a word. Her body language did all the talking. She turned back to me with a warm smile on her face.
"You'll never be without me honey. All you need to do is pick up the phone." She told me and I could see her eyes welling up with tears as they shimmered in the moonlight more than they had been. I could feel my heart sink a little at this, though I can't tell how many times I've seen so many different people cry whilst working as a criminal psychiatrist, it still makes me uncomfortable to witness it. It physically pains me to see people break down, it always has. Knowing my leaving was what was causing Pam's unhappiness was killing me but I knew I had to do it.
"Still, it won't be the same." I told her and it really wouldn't. Pam had been my best friend since we were 4 years old. Throughout our childhood and college we'd been inseparable so of course I'd feel lost without her. A big new city, with new people and a new job in a questionably dangerous profession to top it all off; I was terrified. Kind of funny considering what I've put up with since but I suppose that's just life, you learn from your mistakes, you grow and you find out that the things you used to be afraid of don't really matter anymore.
"I know," she replied simply and we were quiet for a while after that. We laid down on the grass and stared in silence at the stars, quietly enjoying each other's company. Two best friends who knew they wouldn't see each other for a long time after this night. Two soul mates that were being driven apart by the lives we wanted to lead but we always knew we'd grow old together; nothing could stop that from happening. We were destined to be two old grannies sitting on an old porch reminiscing about all the crazy things they used to get up to every day and no matter how many times the stories were repeated they'd never lose their importance to us. Although I knew I was leaving, I knew I'd never lose her and that's all that really mattered.
I heard the side gate swing open and I knew right away it was Jonathan coming back from his so called 'phone call'. That's when I came to a realisation. Who would he have if we drifted apart? Would it break his heart if I left? I needed to sort it out before I took off the next morning otherwise I knew I would have regretted it if I just up and left without confronting him about the whole thing. He didn't come over to me and Pammy; instead he sat down on the back porch and looked down at the ground as though he was worried about catching my attention. He evidently wanted a little time to himself but I wasn't going to let that happen.
* A reference to 'The Dark Knight' novelisation as it states that Dr. Crane worked at Gotham University before being accepted into Arkham Asylum.
** This is a reference to the first chapter of the story with the drunkenness of Harleen's dad when Edward comes over for Thanksgiving :]
Hmm, Harleen may be showing a bit of Harley Quinn here don't you think? Her aggressiveness and somewhat quirky attitude (obviously inspired by our original little Harley Quinn we all know and love so much!) that's brought out through her drinking too much hints to that greatly. I'm unsure whether I should write her like this if I do ever write her as Harley Quinn in future – which I probably will ;D Anyways, that's what I was hoping to achieve with her so I hope everyone noticed & again thanks for reading! :] Jonathan's obviously in the next chapter which will be up either later today or sometime tomorrow!