Hii again, the stories back :D Firstly thank you so much to- Eflmc101, Twilightteen14, twilightlover90, lionlambluv, FrenzzyforEdward, JenniCullen, cullenlover642, caww, since 1918, MorganCullen1234, saraho8, nougat81, JamesCullen2k9 (for the multiple reviews!), twilightobsessed12, mysoundlesssilentscream, miisANGEL, Vanpiress123, kim shin hye, j5girl31012, yellowipod and Jaimini - for reviewing! It was a lot more reviews then I expected for the last chapter, and is really appreciated :)

Special thanks to twilightobsessed12 for being there since the very beginning of this story and JenniCullen and caww for being really loyal. And to MissStrawberries for adding this to her community, 'Viva la twilight' :) I still have loads more people to thank.. but I think that's enough for now :D, loads of thanks and mentions to come with the final two chapters though!

Once again I hope this chapter is okay, should be more interesting then chapter nine at least... although the last third of this chapter has not been edited yet so please excuse any mistakes- I'm going to read through it tomorrow and edit it, I just dont have any more time to work on this one.

Please review!!

Thinking of you

Chapter ten

(Song for the chapter- Only hope- Switchfoot)

(Simply because this song is so beautiful, I encourage everyone to listen to it :] … I picked it because it can be applied to all the three main characters in a way. With Bella its how she just wants her and Edward to be together, with Edward its knowing that Bella's his only chance at having a life again, and with Jacob its just how he wants Bella to love him.)

There's a song that's inside of my soul…
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again,
I'm awake in the infinite cold,
But you sing to me over and over and over again

So I lay my head back down, and I lift my hands and pray… to be only yours,
I pray… to be only yours, I know now you're my only hope.

Sing to me the song of the stars…
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again,
When it feels like my dreams are so far,
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again

So I lay my head back down, and I lift my hands and pray... to be only yours,
I pray… to be only yours, I know now you're my only hope.

I give you my apathy, I'm giving you all of me,
I want your symphony, Singing in all that I am…
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back…

And I lay my head back down, and I lift my hands and pray… to be only yours,
I pray… to be only yours, I pray… to be only yours, I know now you're my only hope.

Previously…

"You want to leave?" he asked, surprise evident in his voice.

There was no hesitation in my voice as I replied- "Yes, it's the only way we can be together without them finding out"

"Bella, please think about this. You don't have to leave your friends and family for me, it's a huge thing for you to have to do… I don't want you to be unhappy," he said quietly, resting his chin on the top of my head.

I chose to pull out of our embrace, leaning up on my elbows so that I was looking him directly in the eye as I replied- "I won't be… I'll have you"

March 1945

Throughout the night I didn't sleep as much as I planned on doing- before I knew it the morning came. I was awake to witness the light creeping in through the window, the light that was due to the sun rising steadily through the thin layer of clouds that covered Chicago's dark skyline.

Edward had stayed all night, holding me as I fell asleep and then when I woke again.

…Truly it was like it always was before he left.

Listening to him singing in my ear with his arms wound round me… this was the situation that I had dreamt of throughout the three years.

It was incredible how easily we slipped back into our simple pattern- the need to be with eachother.

Words were not needed- we didn't speak much throughout the night, just deciding to leave it on the vague conversation about us leaving town.

Truthfully, I still didn't know his honest opinion on it.

I knew his opinion didn't matter on what I was going to do today though.

I was going to do this alone, and take my time with it. It was a decision that was a long time coming, because really it was the only fair option.

It was saying goodbye to Jacob… forever.

Deep down I was both terrified and eager to do this… terrified because of the knowledge that I didn't fully want him out of my life and that I would hurt him, but eager to no longer lie to him about the way I felt.

The reality was that I just couldn't be with him that way.

My heart had always and would always belong to Edward.

I knew that no one else could make me as truly happy as he did. I had always known that… but this was living proof now.

The evidence was how the littlest things between Edward and me could make me feel so happy-

Such as… "This is the second morning we've had together…" I whispered, speaking my thoughts out loud.

Yes… that simple, illogical thought alone made me happy.

Edward sounded confused, probably a bit shocked at my completely random comment; "we've had plenty of mornings like this darling" he murmured, brushing his fingers against my cheek, his golden eyes boring into my own.

I leant into his touch, finding myself unable to resist, "I mean since you came back" I whispered gently.

Instantly his expression turned soft and loving, though I could see the regret and guilt he felt, just through the slight crease of his eyebrows.

I knew it was because he was regretting our time apart.

"It doesn't matter you know" I whispered, "I just felt like pointing it out… it made me happy- the thought that you're still here"

He sighed softly and leant forward so our foreheads and noses were touching, our lips just an inch apart.

"I told you Bella… I will not leave again, I promise that" he whispered against my lips.

"I know" I replied, closing the distance to press my lips firmly against his.

We kissed with the tiniest amount of pressure for several moments before deepening the kiss.

He was just beginning to reach his hand up to my neck to pull me even closer to him when we were interrupted by a quick impatient knock at the door.

"Bella? Are you awake?" Alice asked through the door.

"Y-yes… don't come in though!" I yelled loudly in a panic, noticing that Edward was already over by the window. I tried to think of a good excuse to keep her out, "I… I'm getting dressed" I stuttered, closing my eyes hoping she would believe it.

There was a pause for a moment, "Oh right okay…" she replied cheerfully, causing me to sigh in relief, "well I just wanted to ask if you wanted any breakfast? I'm making some now" she asked me kindly.

My response was a loud growl of my stomach, that I'm certain she must have heard- I blushed violently, trying to figure out when it was that I had last eaten… two days ago maybe?

…How had I not noticed how hungry I was until now?

"Yeah that sounds great- I'll be out in a minute" I replied to Alice, not taking my eyes off Edward the whole time. He was watching me warily- as if he was ready to leave at any moment if Alice happened to walk into the room.

"Okay, see you in a minute" she replied instantly.

I waited until I could no longer hear her footsteps walking away before I finally relaxed, smiling at Edward.

However the silence soon became loud, as I didn't know what to say… we weren't exactly deep in conversation when she interrupted after all.

There was only one thing to do, "I guess I had better go out then…" I murmured, my voice showing how hesitant I was.

Edward smiled softly at me and closed the distance between us, cradling my face in his hands.

"It's okay, go and spend time with her" he told me quietly, the gentle smile never leaving his face.

"But I want to stay with you" I whispered, covering my hands with his.

"To be honest I want you to stay as well… the selfish side of me wants you all to myself" he told me softly, "but I think you need time with your friends… especially if you're still certain about leaving soon."

I nodded, "I am,"

"Go then…" He kissed my cheek softly, "I'll come and see you later"

"When?" I asked desperately, wanting the reassurance that we wouldn't be apart for long.

"When I can" he murmured, "I'll always be near you though, remember?"

I smiled at his reminder, "Yes…" I breathed. "When you do come though I won't be here, I'll be back at our home okay? There will be no one else there but us"

"Should I go and wait there for you now then?" he asked me quietly.

"I'm not sure… I think Jacob might still be there" I replied quietly, knowing what I said was true.

…Because although Jacob didn't live with me, he was over regularly, and ever since our argument, which lead to me coming to Alice and Jaspers – and finding Edward – I knew he wouldn't have left. He would probably be waiting for me to come back to see if I was okay.

Or waiting to apologise… not that he was the one who should be doing that.

I owed him the biggest apology instead.

I broke out of my thoughts and looked at Edward, whom had a mixture of emotions written across his face, the main one being jealous. "Oh…" he murmured, obviously jealous that I technically still with Jacob.

I leant closer to him, pressing my body to his, "It's okay… I'm going to talk to him today, to explain things- anything between me and him is non-existent, I promise"

He now looked suspicious and curious, "What exactly are you going to tell him?"

I paused for a moment considering the options, noticing that Edward was waiting for my response.

"I'm not sure…" I replied quietly, "the truth, I guess"

I spent the morning with Alice and Jasper before finally declaring that I wanted to go back home to 'sort things out with Jacob' – luckily they didn't ask me anything that required lying. Ironically they didn't even mention my disappearing act.

If I weren't so relieved I would be suspicious about it… why were they acting as if nothing happened when they were in such a panic just last night?

Maybe they had decided to let it go… or maybe, just maybe… they had figured something out.

I pushed that frightening thought to the back of my mind as I saw the small White coloured house appear in front of me.

It was the place that I used to call my home, but wasn't anymore. When Edward 'died' it just became a house… filled with memories and reminders.

And soon it would just be a building, when I had gone of course.

I slowly opened the front door and walked into the house, noticing how cold it felt- all the curtains were drawn making the hallway dark and dingy, I pulled them back allowing some daylight in.

I cleared my throat, "Jacob? Are you here?" I yelled loudly.

My earlier thoughts that Jacob would be here were confirmed when his voice replied from another room, "Bella? Is that you?"

I didn't have to even reply before Jacob suddenly ran into the room, relief all across his features.

He suddenly pulled me into a tight hug without saying anything further, "I'm so sorry for what I said to you…" he told me huskily, his voice the complete opposite to Edward's velvet tone. "I wasn't thinking, I was jealous… I didn't want to hurt you…" he insisted.

"Jacob… it's okay" I murmured, trying to subtly break out of the hug.

"It's not…" he argued, "I shouldn't have been so forceful with you; it's just… Bells I felt so jealous because it's always about him…" he replied quietly, slight bitterness creeping into his tone.

I ignored that though- I understood why he must have felt that way, "I know, and it's okay… really it is" I whispered.

He sighed happily and finally pulled away from the hug, "So what now? Can you forgive me?" he asked me.

"Of course I forgive you," I replied instantly, smiling for the briefest moment.

I decided to cut straight to the chase- "Jacob… I actually didn't come here to tell you that, I wanted to talk to you," I whispered quietly, the nerves and guilt already overfilling me.

"Oh right… okay, let's talk" he replied, still smiling at me, clearly oblivious and not expecting what I was about to say. Without another word he took my hand and pulled me into the main room, sitting me on the couch next to him.

He didn't say anything but indicated that he wanted me to tell him what was wrong, I sighed sadly turning away from him as I prepared myself for what I was going to say.

I didn't want to hurt him… but I knew it was inevitable.

"Jacob, I…" I whispered quietly, speaking as slow as humanly possible, "I don't think this is working…" I told him, cutting off at that point.

He was silent for a moment, "What?" he asked, confused.
I lifted my head to look up at him, knowing that my expression must have looked tortured. "I can't do this anymore" I breathed softly.

He looked like he understood exactly what I said – his expression was already heartbroken – but it seemed like he wanted to make sure he had the facts right before properly reacting to what I was telling him. "Can't do what?" he eventually asked.

I sighed again, my voice breaking as I replied- "This… us… our relationship… it isn't working"

His voice was more frantic then before as he replied- "What are you talking about? 'Course it's working… listen Bells about the other day, I-"

I cut him off, shaking my head vigorously, "This isn't because of what happened" I insisted.

He blinked a couple of times, "It isn't…?" he asked slowly.

"No" I replied briefly,

"Then… why?" he asked desperately, as he held my hands tightly in his.

This was already even harder then I thought it was going to be.

Tears were already forming my eyes as I struggled to reply, "I… I just don't feel that way about you…" I whispered, my eyes never looking away from him, "you're one of my best friends Jacob, but I just can't see you as anything more then that…"

Anger and confusion flashed across his face briefly, "But you said that you did…?" he stated quietly.

"I know," I whispered shamefully, looking down at my feet as I spoke.

He let go of my hands and I let them fall to my sides, just listening as he stood from the couch, sighing in frustration and disappointment.

"I just don't understand…" he growled, pacing the small room- the anger was now overtaking the sorrow he was feeling. "How could you leave me after everything I've done for you?" he asked me angrily.

I knew his temper was getting out of control again… I had to calm the situation right away.

I looked up at him; "It's… I never meant to hurt you… but I…" I stuttered as I spoke in a rush.

"You what?" he spat, cutting me off.

I tried to make him understand more, "I don't think I'm ready for another relationship" I admitted.

I never would be.

I didn't need anyone else… I had Edward.

He laughed bitterly- no humour was present in his tone as he did so, "and you couldn't have told me this before?" he asked me rhetorically.

I looked down at my feet nervously, "I needed time to realise what I want…" I mumbled.

He stopped pacing for a moment and looked at me questioningly, "And what is that exactly?" he asked slowly.

I looked up at him, ready to tell more of the truth; "I'm leaving Chicago"

It was silent for a long time, before his loud laughs filled the small room. I jumped at the sound- out of every possible option this was the reaction I least expected.

He eventually calmed his laughs, but there was still humour in his tone. "Leaving? You?! Where are you going to go?" he asked.

I flinched under his stare knowing that he was mocking me, although I knew that it was understandable considering the circumstances- he was upset, and of course he would take his anger out on me… I deserved it.

I looked him in the eye, showing that I was serious about what I was telling him. "I'm going to travel" I replied.

He blinked in confusion, "Why in the world would you want to do that?!"

I looked down, trying to adjust what was the truth and what was lies into something believable. "I… I don't want to be stuck here all my life… I want to see some of world- stop relying on people," I admitted quietly, my voice breaking at several points.

He shook his head, the disbelieving expression still covering his face, "you're delusional… are you going alone?"

He asked it as if it was completely unbelievable- me leaving and living by myself- I almost felt offended, I probably would have if the situation were different.

Did I really rely on other people too much while Edward was away?

I finally looked up from my feet and stood up from the couch, looking him square in the eye and I replied- "Yes."

He blinked a couple of times- "But… why? I understand that you want to live by yourself… but why? Why would you want to leave when your family and friends are here?" he paused for several moments, "…when I'm here, I've always been here…"

At his words, I blinked away the tears that were now beginning to form- I felt incredibly guilty for this.

But I knew I had to leave.

This had to be done.

There was no other option.

"I don't want a life like this anymore… I'm just a shell- I have been since he died" – I paused for a moment to remind myself that I was lying here, I didn't want to feel the grief again – "I don't want to be a burden anymore" I eventually whispered.

"Whoa Bella, you're making it sound like you're dying not just leaving-" he froze for a moment, "wait…" he suddenly murmured.

"What?" I asked worriedly, afraid he had figured out the real reason.

His eyes were wide as he walked right up to me, cupping my face in his hands, "Bella… you are not a burden… you've never been- do not think that this is the only way out…"

"What are you talking about?" I whispered quietly, the words slightly muffled from his tight grip on my face.

He closed his eyes, "Bella it would kill me if you died…" he murmured, talking more to himself then me.

Suddenly I understood what he meant- he thought I was leaving to die.

I shook him forcefully as best I could, my voice panicky as I spoke- "What do you mean? I'm not going to kill myself!" I exclaimed.

He opened his eyes; "you're not?" he asked sceptically.

"No, I'm not!" I insisted.

He shook his head slowly; "I don't know whether to believe you…"

I made sure he was looking at me when I replied, "Jacob… I promise I'm not going to kill myself." I told him slowly and sincerely, "I'll prove it… when I'm gone I'll write… I'll write once a week to you, just to prove it"

He sighed quietly; "can I write back?"

I thought for a moment, before replying softly, "Yes… I'll send you the address when I'm settled somewhere" I promised him.

He sighed quietly and then surprised me by pulling me into a tight hug, all traces of anger gone, replaced by raw emotion.

"Do you really have to do this?" he asked sadly.

I nodded against his shoulder, allowing another stray tear to fall, "Yes, I do"

"Can't I come with you?" he pleaded, squeezing me even tighter.

Time to hurt him even more.

"No you can't… I'm so sorry" I whispered feeling even more tears spill over.

He sighed but didn't argue with me, "I'm gunna miss you" he eventually whispered sweetly.

"I'll miss you too" I replied sincerely.

It was silent for several moments, and I eventually decided on my final apology to him.

"I'm sorry that I couldn't be what you wanted me to be" I murmured softly.

As he replied, he was even more understanding then I thought he would- "It's okay… who knows maybe you'll come back someday and be ready for a relationship"

"Yeah… maybe" I lied, smiling slightly at him as we pulled apart, knowing there was no chance of that ever happening.

He spent a little longer around the house; we both tried to force conversation, trying to get back to that friendship that I had always treasured so much.

However it seemed like a lost cause… he didn't speak to me much, he seemed too hurt and for that I didn't blame him, I had hurt him after all… after everything that he had done for me.

When he eventually left I allowed myself to fully cry… the sobs consuming me as I lay face down on the couch. I hoped Edward didn't assume I was crying because I loved Jacob… because I knew I didn't.

Instead I was crying because I knew how much I would miss him… that playful best friend who had helped save me from my darkest days. The best friend who never gave up on me… who had always held an unrequited love for me.

I knew how much I must have hurt him… but he never showed all of his emotions.

And for that, I only felt even worse then before.

I didn't even hear Edward come in, I only felt his arms wrap around me lifting me from my position. He placed me on his lap and held me tight, allowing me to cry for a while, rubbing my back to soothe me.

Eventually my tears subsided and I was finally able to take in his beautiful features again… and I could clearly see his expression that was full of guilt and upset.

"What's wrong?" I asked him quietly, reaching out to touch his face.

"I just… I hate seeing you so upset" he murmured, "Bella, are you sure about this?" he asked me softly.

I knew what he was referring to- leaving, saying goodbye to my friends and my family, going somewhere new…

I hated that he doubted me, so I straightened myself up holding on tighter to him as I replied, "Yes… I'm sure"

He watched me for several moments, analysing my expression so it seemed. "Okay…" he eventually murmured. "When?" he asked in reference to the plan of when to go.

I rested my head against his shoulder, feeling tired all of a sudden, "Soon, very soon…" I breathed, "-I'll say goodbye to everyone within the week"

He seemed surprised by my answer, "You don't think that's too quick? Bella I would completely understand if you wanted longer with everyone…"

"No… it's okay. I'll just be delaying the inevitable if I wait around any longer" I replied quietly, "I want to be with you with no restrictions"

"I know, and I do too," he replied, kissing my cheek and then my jaw softly as he spoke.

However as I felt his cold skin touch my own- which was warm in comparison- I was reminded of what else I wanted… more then anything in the world. "There's something else that I want too" I told him quietly.

He held me closer then ever before, nuzzling my neck with his nose, "Anything my love…"

"I want to be like you" I whispered, noticing how he stiffened in confusion. I cleared my throat and explained in more detail- "I want to be able to live with you forever, and for us to never be separated by death… I want…" I paused for a brief moment, smiling as I whispered-

"I want to be a vampire"

Next chapter preview:

"How am I going to live without you…? I'm going to miss you so much"

Hope you all liked this :D

I'm not sure when the next update will be... it will be soon though. I'm so excited about writing the final two chapters.. I've had the exact idea of how I want them to go since I started this story, so it will be great to finally write them I hope.

Please review.. any chance of 170? It would be amazing to reach 200 by the end of the story after all.. :D

Thanks for reading, Emma.x