Title: The End of Her World
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera
Category: Angst, but the good kind. Romance, Drama.
Rating: PG...for now.
Word count: 3,941
Summary: What if Natalia had talked to Olivia before she left the farmhouse?
Spoilers: For the 7/01/09 episode.
Author's Note: I took the s/l of doom and not only embraced it, but made out with it. Then we had little fic babies. Which is probably not the best metaphor given everything, but there you have it. Please to be not killing me for this fic. Also many thanks to lbecka and q_wordy13 both for the beta. I very much appreciate both of their words and insight. They are the bests kinds of betas that offered detailed criticism on both the writing and how it is written.
Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer & Fetus Rivera) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
"Mom!" Emma's excited exclamation jerks Natalia out of a deep sleep. She freezes as she realizes she is in Olivia's bed and Emma is currently jumping on the end of it, occasionally landing on each of their legs. Her eyes are still closed and she wonders if Emma will assume she's still asleep. She wonders what Emma will think about any of it - about being in Olivia's bed, being with Olivia, or being pregnant. She hopes Emma doesn't hate her for any or all of it. She doesn't think Emma will, but then again she hadn't thought Rafe would be as hateful as he has been. And fear is rarely ever reasonable or logical.
Despite Emma's bouncing, she can feel Olivia beginning to shift sleepily beside her. A rush of gratitude flashes through her. She's grateful that at least she won't have to deal with this by herself.
"Em," Olivia slurs groggily from beside her. "Em, stop bouncing."
The little girl's enthusiasm can't be contained, however, and eventually, Olivia is forced to sit up. She reaches out blindly for her daughter, catching her shoulder mid-bounce and uses her momentum to pull Emma against her chest. Emma giggles as her Mom wraps her in a hug and holds her close before the squirming gets to be too much and she sets her free.
"What are you doing up so early, Jellybean?" Olivia asks, glancing over at Natalia as she catches Emma's bare foot and runs a finger down its tender sole drawing squeals and laughter from her extremely ticklish daughter.
The covers are pulled up around Natalia so that only part of her face is sticking out. Olivia is watching her and Natalia can see the concern and the slight tension that is etched in the lines of her face. She is worried that Natalia is going to freak out with Emma's sudden appearance or perhaps because they spent the night in the same bed.
"The barbecue, Mom!" Emma declares, her disbelief that her mother could forget about the celebration clear in her voice. "We have to get up early, so we can be there early! I want to play all of the games."
A sudden wave of nausea grips Natalia and she throws the covers back. Her hand flies to cover her mouth as she sprints for the bathroom. Distantly, she hears Olivia tell Emma to go get dressed and she'll be downstairs in a moment to fix Emma breakfast. All Natalia can focus on is the way her stomach roils as she's pants over the toilet, praying for the feeling to go away.
There's a quick knock on the door and a moment later, before she can get control of herself enough to respond, it's opened. Olivia kneels down beside Natalia on the cool tile of the bathroom floor and without a word, pulls Natalia's long hair out of her face and holds it behind her. Her other hand rubs soothing circles on Natalia's back.
When she can finally breathe for a moment without having the urge to throw up, Natalia groans and sits back. Olivia moves with her, letting go of her hair only when she's sure she's going to be okay. She then gets up to get a glass of water, handing it to Natalia, who holds it for a moment, but doesn't drink yet. The thought of putting anything in her stomach is not appealing.
"Can I get you anything else?" Olivia asks. "What about some crackers?"
"That sounds good." Well, not good, maybe, but Natalia knows they're supposed to settle her stomach, and at the moment she would give anything for it to just settle down.
When Olivia returns several moments later, she sits down beside Natalia with a sleeve of crackers in hand. She pushes slightly damp hair back from Natalia's face and tucks it behind her ear, then opens the crackers and holds one out to Natalia.
"Feeling any better?"
Natalia shrugs. Left alone, she had been thinking, anything to take her mind off the way that her stomach feels. "Emma seems really excited about the barbecue."
It isn't her imagination that Olivia immediately looks more guarded. Olivia pulls her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them and resting her chin on her knee.
"She is really excited. She's looking forward to all of the games."
"She wants me to run the three-legged race with her," Natalia reminds her.
"You know," Olivia says slowly, "If you're not feeling up to racing - or even going - I'm sure she wouldn't mind if we told her that you weren't feeling good."
Olivia is giving her an out. Natalia recognizes it immediately because Olivia is good at giving her outs - maybe too good. 'Two people who are what, exactly, to each other? 'Cause Phillips gonna wanna know.' 'I think you should marry Frank.' She took those outs and look where it got her - almost marrying a man that she doesn't love - and now sitting on her bathroom floor pregnant. Still, Natalia takes a moment before she answers. She wants to be certain before she says anything to Olivia. The thought of going to the barbecue with Olivia is more nerve-racking now than it was before she knew she was pregnant. Before that, all she had to consider was herself and that she was tired of waiting. Rafe is nearly a grown man and she's tired of putting her life on hold for him when he won't even speak to her or let her in at all for that matter. It doesn't mean that she's given up on him, just that she needs to live her own life for herself. Wasn't he always telling her that she needed a life of her own, something else to worry about besides him?
Now she's scared. It's different now because she's carrying Frank's baby. She's not showing yet, but eventually people will find out. Going to the barbecue with Olivia now will add an extra level of salaciousness to the inevitable gossip about them when people do begin to find out that she's pregnant. Can she handle the looks and the whispering behind their backs? She had thought this feeling was behind her. She bites her lip against the remembered emotions. She's not sixteen anymore and she never wanted to feel that way again.
"Natalia." Olivia squeezes her hand gently. "If you don't want to go, it's okay. I understand."
"If we go today," Natalia says, "It won't be easy. Frank is angry. He'll probably cause a scene and Rafe..." She shakes her head. She hardly recognizes the man her son has become.
"Do you want to go?" Olivia asks softly. "Forget about Frank, and just for a minute, forget about Rafe. Do you want to go to the barbecue with me? And Emma," she adds with a smile a moment later. "Can't leave out Emma."
"I...yes, but, Olivia..."
Olivia smiles. "Then let me worry about Frank and Rafe. I can handle what they say about me. I've been handling what people say about me for years. I talked to Phillip yesterday about telling Emma and he supports us. He said he would help if he heard anyone saying anything we wouldn't want Emma hearing."
Natalia blinks, surprised by this development. In the midst of all of this she's forgotten that Phillip and Olivia had even talked.
"That's amazing, Olivia."
"I know. Who would have thought that Phillip would turn out to be supportive?"
Natalia shakes her head as another thought occurs to her. "Emma."
"She's downstairs." Olivia gives her a wry grin. "I gave her Fruit Loops. I figured one decidedly un-nutritious breakfast wouldn't permanently stunt her growth and she's going to be eating enough junk at the barbecue today that it really won't matter what we give her now."
"No, I meant, she still doesn't know."
Olivia nods, her head tilting down. "Yeah," Olivia says softly, "And I've been thinking about that actually." She looks up at Natalia. "I think we should tell her that you're pregnant at the same time we tell her about us."
Natalia sighs and slumps a little bit further into the wall. "She's going to be so confused." What she's more frightened of is that Emma will hate her, will no longer want her to be a part of their lives. She's not sure what she'll do if Emma can't handle this either.
"Natalia, it's going to be okay." Olivia's confidence catches her attention. "I promise," she adds firmly. "Emma loves you no matter what. You're her other mommy." Olivia can't quite hide the depth of emotion in her voice and Natalia smiles, feeling like her heart is breaking at those simple words.
"Okay." She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. "Then I think we need to tell her before the barbecue." She holds both hands out to Olivia. "Help me up?"
"You want to tell her now?" Olivia sounds surprised as she scrambles to stand and then takes Natalia's hands.
"There's no time like the present," Natalia says, trying to sound cheery and confident, but not quite managing it. That's more Olivia's department really. Her heart is racing and she feels shaky as Olivia helps her up.
As they stand, there's only a few inches separating them. For just an instant, their closeness is awkward and then, just as suddenly, it melts away. This is the woman she shared a bed with the night before, who held her while she was sleeping and kept the nightmares and distressing thoughts away; the woman who didn't go anywhere when she found out that she was pregnant, has done nothing but be there for her. This is the woman she loves.
Natalia steps closer to Olivia, erasing the distance that remains between them and slips her arms around her. She melts into Olivia's body and lays her head against her chest. Olivia holds her just as tightly, one hand rubbing slow circles on her back, as the other sinks into Natalia's hair. They linger there, soaking in the comfort of their embrace. Natalia nuzzles into the warm skin of Olivia's neck and savors her intoxicating scent, a mix of perfume and something heady that's uniquely Olivia.
Olivia's arm tightens around her briefly, and then she's ducking her head to press a kiss against Natalia's neck. She can just barely feel the softness of Olivia's lips through long strands of her hair. In Olivia's arms, the last of her discomfort vanishes, and she feels strong once again. They can do this. Together they can tell Emma and go to the barbecue.
"It's going to be okay?" Natalia needs to hear it one more time.
"It's going to be okay," Olivia says confidently.
"Okay," She exhales slowly. "Let's go tell Emma."
Shen they come downstairs hand-in-hand Emma is not only eating Fruit Loops, but is plopped down on the couch watching cartoons.
"Why don't you turn that down, Em?" Olivia suggests. "We need to talk to you."
Her daughter obliges, the remote looking too big in her child-size fingers. "Okay, Mom." She sets the remote down and fiddles with her spoon for a minute. "Are we still going to the barbecue?" She asks suddenly, sensing that this is a serious conversation. She's a little bit nervous with her two moms focused on her so intently. The last time they talked like this they had moved out of the farmhouse. She doesn't want more bad news today. What she wants is to go to the Fourth of July festivities.
"Of course we're going," Olivia reassures her. "What else would we do with all those rice crispy treats?"
"Eat them?" Emma suggests hopefully, bouncing up so quickly on the couch that she almost spills her bowl of milk.
"Well, I guess we could, but I still think it would be more fun to go to the barbecue. What about you?"
"I want to go!" Emma nods her head quickly to emphasize her point, but she hasn't forgotten that this started out as a serious conversation.
"Good." Olivia fingers the hem of her robe for a moment and Emma notices that her Mom is holding Natalia's hand. "You see, Em..." She trails off, looking over at Natalia for support. They should have rehearsed, Olivia thinks wildly. Why did she dismiss that as a plan? She takes a deep breath and starts over. "Do you remember the paper you did for your class about what made your family unique?"
Emma nods because, duh! of course she remembers. It hasn't been that long since she wrote it and she got to do it again in front of all of the parents.
"The thing is, when you wrote that, neither of us," she gestures between she and Natalia, "realized what we had either. Your paper started to make us see that." She takes a deep breath. "And eventually I realized that I was in love with Natalia and she was in love with me."
Emma looks back and forth between them now. A tiny furrow forms on her brow. "Is that what you wanted to tell me?"
Olivia and Natalia exchange a quick glance. "Yes, Baby. It was."
"But I already know that you two love each other."
Olivia bites her lip, a grin tugging at the corner of her mouth, as she looks over at Natalia. What are they supposed to say to that? Are they supposed to explain to their little girl why this is a big deal? Maybe not.
"We might...act a little bit differently around each other sometimes," Natalia says slowly. "I like getting hugs and kisses from your mommy. Does that bother you?"
The look on Olivia's face tells Natalia that it definitely doesn't bother her, but it's certainly surprised her. Natalia kind of likes that. But right now she needs to focus on Emma - Emma, who is still looking at them like she doesn't quite understand.
She shrugs. "But you two hug all the time."
Olivia turns her quick laugh into a light cough. "You'll understand better when you get older, Jellybean." She hesitates. Despite the moments of humor she isn't quite sure how this is going. "So you're okay with this?"
Another shrug from slender shoulders. "I guess." It's clear that she's not quite sure what she should be okay with. "Does this mean we get to move back in here soon?" She directs the question to Olivia with her best pleading eyes.
This time it's Natalia's turn to rescue her as she deftly steps back into the conversation.
"Someday, I hope." She looks over at Olivia. "Maybe even someday soon."
This is news to Olivia, but she definitely likes the way it sounds.
"Okay," Emma says brightly, happy enough for the moment. She is already aware that 'maybe' is always better than 'no'. "Is that all?" She's done with her Fruit Loops and she's ready to get back to her cartoons - at least until her mommies are ready and then they can go to the barbecue.
Emma's innocent question reminds Natalia that they still have more to tell her and Natalia's hand clamps down on Olivia's in a sudden resurgence of her nerves. Olivia winces despite her best effort to keep the pain from her expression. She picks up their joined hands and brings them to her lap, cradling Natalia's hand with her own and hoping that her reassurance will calm Natalia. Her grip doesn't ease, however.
"Actually there's one more thing, Emma." Olivia says slowly, looking over at Natalia. She wants to tell her daughter now. She's tired of keeping secrets and hiding things from her little girl. She wants it all out in the open, but if Natalia can't do this yet, she can wait. It's a thin line, walking the balance between her daughter and the woman she loves, but both of them are more than worth it. She can't live without either of them.
Natalia nods a little bit shakily and Olivia gives her a reassuring smile. They've come this far; the rest will be okay.
"Natalia is pregnant. She's going to have a baby in a few months." Okay, so maybe that came out of her mouth a little bit more bluntly than she intended, but she tries her best not to lie to her daughter, and she's not about to start now. Besides, how do you ease into that statement?
"Really?" Emma looks surprised and actually kind of impressed. She turns to Natalia for confirmation. "You're having a baby?"
Natalia nods, smiling at the little girl. Only Olivia can read the terror in her eyes or see the strained edges of her smile. She knows how big a piece of Natalia's heart Emma holds. She needs Emma's acceptance and approval desperately.
"Is it a boy or a girl?"
Natalia's smile begins to lose its tension, and she shakes her head slightly. "I don't know yet, baby."
"So I'm going to have a baby brother or sister?"
Olivia hears Natalia's gasp and caresses Natalia's hands gently, knowing the strength of the emotion that's taken the other woman in its grip, because she's fighting to keep the same emotion from tracking happy tears down her own cheeks.
"That's right." Olivia manages to get the words out, her voice deepening with emotion. "You are. Now," she clears her throat looking back and forth between her two favorite girls, "I believe we have a barbecue to get ready for."
Olivia waits until Emma has disappeared into the kitchen with her bowl before she turns to Natalia. "Are you okay?"
Natalia nods, wiping at the tears trailing down her cheeks. But instead of lessening, her tears intensify until she's almost sobbing. Worried, Olivia wraps an arm around her shoulders and pulls her in close to her.
"What's wrong? Emma was okay. Did I say-"
Natalia shakes her head, quickly denying that it is anything that Olivia has done. Slowly, still wrapped in Olivia's arms, she begins to regain her composure. Her breathing slows and her tears begin to ease.
"I'm sorry," Natalia finally says shakily, her voice breaking on the last word. "I didn't mean to get so emotional."
"It's okay," Olivia says softly. "You're pregnant. I think it's allowed."
Natalia lets out a choked laugh, her throat still tight from crying, and relaxes even further into Olivia's embrace. "I'm so glad we finally told her."
Olivia hesitates for a moment, tilting her head to try and look at Natalia's face but the angle is wrong and she doesn't want to pull away from the woman in her arms. Her words remind Olivia that she - they - didn't get to tell Rafe about them in their own way. That decision was taken out of their hands by careless laughter and allowing themselves to get lost in a moment of simply being together and enjoying each others' company. Olivia lets out a soft sight. This is why she never wanted their relationship to begin because whether it's intentional or not she always hurts the people that she loves.
"Not like Rafe found out, right?" Olivia isn't accusatory, just resigned.
Natalia reaches up, her hand curving around Olivia's cheek, to reassure her with a touch. "I wish he had found out differently; I wish I'd had a better chance to make him understand, but," she takes a deep breath, "I don't regret anything about us." She twists a little bit in Olivia's embrace so that she can look at her. "Do you believe me?"
Olivia can't quite meet her eyes and finally she gives a small shrug. "I want to believe you, but I know how much your son means to you. That's why what Emma thinks means so much to both of us."
"You're right. I am happy - so, unbelievably happy - that Emma isn't upset about us, because I love her as if she were my own daughter, and I think it would break my heart if I heard another child telling us this was wrong."
"Natalia..." But Natalia puts a finger over her lips, gently cutting her off.
"I don't think that we have is wrong. I don't! But hearing it from him is hard, because I want him to be a part of this family so badly." Natalia swallows, taking a moment before she starts speaking again. "That's why I was so relieved when Emma didn't...say anything like Rafe did. I want her to be happy, not miserable like he is right now."
"I wish I could make everything better," Olivia admits softly. "But I don't know how. All I know is that your son loves you and you love him. He can't hold out against that - no one can. I didn't."
Her admission draws a startled laugh from Natalia and it makes Olivia smile as well. She's relieved to have made her happy, even if it's only for a moment. This isn't the day she'd been planning for. The events of yesterday have changed everything and there is no going back, but she still wants this day to be as perfect as possible and making Natalia happy is the first step in that direction. She wants her whole family to be happy. Hell, today she might even settle for wishing Reva Shayne happiness. Love does strange things.
"You know, I do happen to remember something else from our conversation with Emma that was interesting," Olivia adds when Natalia is still smiling a moment later.
"Oh?" Natalia asks, a bit of amusement returning to her voice as she hears the hint of mischief in Olivia's tone.
"Yeah. Apparently you like my kisses." Olivia has never seen a flush darken Natalia's skin quite like it's doing at this moment, but she decides she likes it very much. She leans closer to Natalia, the tension electric between them. "I didn't know that."
It's her final sentence that gets Natalia to look at her again. She's still blushing, but she's more confident now. "Of course I like it when you kiss me." She's whispering but her words are urgent and full of sincerity.
Olivia cups her cheek. "You never said anything."
Natalia shrugs. "I didn't know how to."
Olivia nods in understanding because this is Natalia and she knows her better than anyone else. She can feel the heat of Natalia's skin under her hand and it's driving her wild, pulling her attention away from this light, teasing conversation and turning it into something more intense. The pad of her thumb grazes the underside of Natalia's bottom lip. She hears Natalia's breath catch, but she's too caught up in the sensations of her skin against Natalia's to look up and meet her eyes. She's lost in the sight Natalia's full, soft lips, hypnotized by how easy it would be to close the distance between them and taste Natalia's lips with her own.
In the kitchen, Emma drops something, and it pulls Olivia back sharply from the edge of temptation. Natalia catches her gaze and she smiles. In it, Olivia can see her longing and frustration echoed back to her, with just a bit of amusement mixed in. The moment fades and Olivia lets out the breath she hadn't realized she was holding.
Decision made, Olivia acts decisively. She leans closer and presses her lips to one perfect dimple. She feels it widen even further under her quick, light touch and knows that Natalia smile just got bigger.
"Someday, Natalia," she promises as she sits back. "Someday soon."
Natalia is still smiling. "I'm holding you to that."
"Oh, I can't wait."