A/N – Okay, so I don't know that much about cars, I must admit. Hopefully this makes sense. Also, I loved writing this. It was so fun to step inside Johnny's mind for a little bit and try to express his reasoning for things. Please enjoy and I would love to know what you think!
5pm
There comes a time in the life of every coward, liar and thief when they have to come clean. That time comes when they look into the eyes of the person they love most.
Johnny smiled shyly at Lulu and she averted her eyes to the ground. This was not starting the right way. He wondered how he had let things get to this point. The point where the woman he loved most couldn't even look him in the eye. Johnny ran a hand through his hair and held back a sorrowful sigh.
"So why are you here?" Johnny wondered. "I guess you didn't come to talk."
"My...um...my car is acting up," Lulu answered.
"Acting up how?" Johnny asked.
"Sometimes it starts, sometimes it doesn't," Lulu replied.
"Okay, go ahead and pull it in and I'll have a look," Johnny instructed.
His heart had fallen slightly when Lulu said she had come because of her car. He was hoping she had come to see him. Hoping maybe she was missing him too. They had always been so connected that Johnny would not have been surprised if Lulu's thoughts mirrored his own. But they didn't. Everything was different and it was all his fault.
Lulu pulled her car in and Johnny directed her as to when to stop. She got out of the car and he popped the hood, so he could try to determine the problem. He checked the battery and it was fine, so he began checking other parts of the engine.
"Lulu, when was the last time you changed the oil?" Johnny asked from under the hood.
"I don't know, when was the last time you changed the oil?" Lulu countered.
"Are you telling me you haven't changed the oil since March?" Johnny questioned, turning to look at her.
"I haven't," Lulu shrugged. "So unless some kind of magical oil fairy did it for me, then it hasn't been done."
"I tried showing you how to do it a hundred times," Johnny shook his head. "Maybe if you had paid attention, you wouldn't be having trouble right now."
"I didn't think I had a reason to learn," Lulu said softly. "I figured you would always do it."
Their eyes met for a fleeting moment and Johnny's heart broke. All of the pain he had caused her was still evident in her eyes and he hated himself for everything he had done.
"It shouldn't take too long to change the oil," Johnny whispered.
"I'll just wait in the office if you don't mind," Lulu replied.
"Of course not," Johnny said, shaking his head. "I only have the one chair in there, but you're welcome to it."
Lulu walked into Johnny's office and couldn't keep the smile off of her face. It looked the exact same as it did the last time she was in it. Papers stacked all over the desk, a few scattered on the floor and the chair pushed back from the desk. She sat down in his chair and began to look at the papers. They were garage receipts dating back to July and she laughed at his lack of organization. He was always great with the cars and customers, but the paperwork didn't hold his interest. It made her happy that some things about him hadn't changed.
She started going through them and putting them in order. Once she had them neatly stacked, she started running his numbers and totaling profits. She was almost finished when she felt him watching her from the doorway. She looked up to see him smiling and she rolled her eyes slightly.
"I know I probably shouldn't have mettled in your things, but you seemed to need help," Lulu said defensively.
"I've been trying to do them all day," Johnny laughed. "You did them in twenty minutes."
"I do this stuff for a living," Lulu shrugged.
"You're smart," Johnny noted. "You always were smarter than me."
"That's not saying a lot," Lulu smirked, easily falling into the playful banter they used to have.
"Well, at least I know my way around an engine and can keep it running," Johnny teased. "We all have our strengths."
"Like how I can hot-wire a car and you can't," Lulu countered and Johnny's eyes widened in surprise at the jab.
"Okay, okay," Johnny said in defeat. "You're better at everything. Is that what you want to hear?"
"Thank you," Lulu smiled. "So what do I owe you for the oil change?"
"Nothing," Johnny answered. "An oil change is no big deal."
"It's work, which means I owe you," Lulu insisted. "How much?"
"I'm not taking your money," Johnny reiterated. "You're never going to pay me for working on your car."
"You have no reason to give me special treatment," Lulu argued, standing up. "You should treat me like any other customer."
"But you're not any other customer," Johnny said softly. "You're you."
"What does that mean?" Lulu wondered.
"You know what it means," Johnny whispered, taking a step closer to her.
"So Olivia doesn't pay for work done on her car either?" Lulu asked.
"Why would you even bring her up?" Johnny questioned.
"Because," Lulu sighed. "She's whatever to you now and I'm not. I mean, is it only the ex-girlfriends that get special treatment or is it your current woman of choice too?"
"I'm not with Olivia," Johnny replied. "I never really was. She was just a ledge. Some kind of stupid risk to take. Like I used to do all the time before I met you."
"I'm not some kind of savior," Lulu muttered. "I didn't change you and make you better just by being with you."
"Yes, you did," Johnny responded.
"Then I would hate to see what you did to girls before me," Lulu said bitterly. "If you were better with me and you still cheated on me, I can only imagine how you treated everyone else."
Johnny's eyes shut slowly at her words. He had to find a way to make Lulu understand that Maxie was meaningless. That she meant nothing to him at all. This was his chance to start explaining the truth and hopefully his chance to get her back. To get another shot at having the life they were supposed to have together.
"I can never apologize enough for what I did to you," Johnny started. "But it wasn't really about what I let you believe it was about. I never wanted Maxie."
"You just didn't want me," Lulu mumbled.
"I did want you," Johnny argued. "But I wanted you to be happy more."
"I was happy," Lulu replied. "Being with you made me happy."
"How?" Johnny asked. "I didn't have anything to offer you. You deserved so much more than an unemployed former mob prince."
"I never saw you like that," Lulu answered. "You offered me you and that's all I wanted."
"I wasn't good enough for you," Johnny said softly. "I will never be good enough."
Lulu turned from him and leaned against the desk, obviously trying to gain control of her emotions. Johnny didn't want to hide his anymore.
"The truth is," Johnny continued. "All I wanted to do was was make you happy for the rest of your life. And I failed. I failed you and myself. I failed us. And I didn't want to hurt you anymore."
"What do you mean?" Lulu wondered, turning to face him again.
"From the day we met, all I did was put you in danger," Johnny explained. "My father tried to kill you, you were kidnapped to control me, you were blackmailed into dating me, your ex-boyfriend attacked you because you chose me over him, you were on the run from the cops for almost a month because of me, you were held in a mental facility that I took you to and you almost lost your mother to Scott Baldwin because I didn't believe you when you said someone knew the truth about Logan. And those are just the big things."
"Johnny, I never blamed you for any of that," Lulu sighed.
"But you should have because it was my fault," Johnny said, shaking his head. "I know I told you I left my family for me and that was partially true. But it was also for you. I left because I wanted to give you a life that wasn't full of danger and violence and I couldn't do that without leaving them behind. And I thought I could make it. I thought I could survive without all of the money and that I could make a new life for us. A better life. One full of love and happiness. But I couldn't. I couldn't even get a job as an orderly in a hospital. The worst day of my life was the day I woke up with you in my arms, snuggling against me the way you always did, and realized that no matter what I did, I would never be able to give you everything I know that you deserve."
Johnny was staring into Lulu's eyes and trying to hold back his tears. He had never admitted the last part out loud and while it felt good to finally be honest with Lulu, it was also terrifying to be so vulnerable.
"I remember that morning so clearly because the alarm went off and you went to get up," Johnny said, his eyes glazing over as he pictured the memory. "I tried to convince you to stay in bed and call in sick. You thought I was just being my normal 'can't get enough of you' self and ignored me. But that day was different. I didn't want you to leave that day because I had a feeling that once you got out of bed we would never be the same. And I was right. That was the day of the blizzard and the hospital craziness. The night we had the first of many horrible fights. The night I decided to let you go. To let you find someone who could give you everything you deserved."
"So you kissed Maxie so I would hate you?" Lulu asked in disbelief.
"I wasn't strong enough to just leave you," Johnny answered. "I had to do something to make you leave me."
"You let me believe that I wasn't good enough," Lulu said with pain in her eyes. "That once again, Maxie was just a better choice."
"I never wanted you to feel that way," Johnny muttered. "I never wanted to hurt you at all, but it was inevitable. I couldn't escape fate."
"What do you mean when you say that?" Lulu questioned. "What fate?"
"The truth coming out," Johnny whispered.
"What other truth?" Lulu wondered. "Just tell me."
"A part of the reason I knew I would never be good enough for you is because of the things I've done," Johnny began. "Even if it was for a short time, I was once head of the Zacchara organization. Things were done with my approval that I will have to live with for the rest of my life."
"What kind of things?" Lulu asked.
"I knew about the hit on Sonny that got Michael shot," Johnny breathed.
Johnny stared at Lulu as she tried to process the words he had said. Her silence was deafening.
When your darkest secrets come out there is nothing you can do but hope for the best. Hope does not come easy in moments of silence.