The Hustler of Notre Dame: Chapter Two
[Setting: The Bell Tower of Notre Dame]
[Quasimodo, now 20 years old, stands next to a stone gargoyle, overlooking the city, when he notices a baby bird slumbering on a nest in the gargoyle's mouth.]
Quasimodo: *picks up the bird* Rise and shine, asshole! This ain't a shelter!
[He holds the bird in his hand, over the ground hundreds of feet below him.]
Quasimodo: time to fly, bitch!
[Quasimodo releases the bird, which freefalls to its cementy doom due to the fact that it couldn't yet fly.]
Hugo: *spits feathers from his mouth* more like "time to die", heh?
Quasimodo: *laughs a dumb laugh* Yeah. Dumb fuck.
Victor: Talkin bout dumb fucks, isn't today the Festival of Stool?
Quasimodo: *heaves a deep sigh* Yeah. I wish I could go down there and throw shit like a normal person.
Victor: Well, watching's always fun…
Quasimodo: Yeah, but I want to know what it's like, being normal and stuff. Alas, I'm a monster! A horrible, worthless monster!
Hugo: You've got a point.
Laverne: *hits Hugo* Oh, Queasy—I mean, Quasi! Don't listen to these faggots! You're not a monster! You've got…clothes! Monsters don't wear clothes. So there you go.
Quasimodo: Thanks, Laverne. You're a sweet stone woman.
Victor: *is surprised* You're a woman?!! And to THINK that I---
Laverne: Yeah, of course I am! Isn't it obvious!?
Hugo: Wait, WHAT?! You're a chick!?
Laverne: T__T
Quasimodo: Anyway…I still can't go to the Festival of Stool because…because…*sobs* because I'm a FREAK!!!
Hugo: Aw, don't be so upset. If Joan Rivers can go out in public, why can't you? You look fine compared to her!
Quasimodo: *cheers up* Hey, you know what? You're right!! Imma go to that festival and throw feces at people!!! *skips towards staircase*
Gargoyles: *cheer* Go Quasi! It's ya birthday! You gonna party like it's ya birthday!
[Suddenly, Pimp Claude Frollo enters the bell tower, causing the commotion to cease with his mere presence.]
Frollo: *smirks* Why, hello, Quasimodo! How are you on this fine day?
Quasimodo: *stutters* w…wwhh…why, hello, Master! I…I'm fine, thanks…for asking.
Frollo: *surveys the scene* Hmm. May I ask, where are you off to today? You look awfully happy…
Quasimodo: I…I'm not goin' nowhere, Master, sir. Imma stay right here *gulps*
Frollo: Damn right, you are!
[Frollo walks towards a nearby table and stops to look at the now motionless gargoyles.]
Frollo: *irritated* what the fuck is this? *points at gargoyles*
Quasimodo: They're…my friends, Master.
Frollo: Don't fucking lie to me, boy! What inanimate object would ever want to be friends with your ugly ass!?
Quasimodo: *sobs* You're right, Master! I'm a monster!!! Hideous, just that!
Frollo: You a smart nigga. Now get this shit outta my face before I have to pimp slap you, bitch! *points at gargoyles*
Quasimodo: but Master, where should I put them?
Frollo: *smiles curtly* In the garbage, where they belong.
Quasimodo: *cries* but…I like them, Master!
Frollo: More of a reason to get rid of them, then. Everyone knows that revolting monsters have no taste when it comes to interior design.
Quasimodo: *lies* I won't throw them away…until nightfall, Master. That way, I won't disturb the people with my horrible face!
Frollo: That's a great idea. Now, go get me something to drink, idiot!
Quasimodo: *goes over to get the cups* Yes, master, sir…
[Quasimodo comes back with a diamond-encrusted golden chalice which has the word "PIMP" engraved on it and a splintery, poorly fashioned wooden chalice. He hands the former to Pimp Claude Frollo.]
Frollo: *pours some Cognac into his chalice* I gotta get my fix for today…
Quasimodo: *pours rubbing alcohol into his "chalice"* Master, do you think maybe someday I could have Cognac too?
Frollo: *laughs* Don't be silly, nigga! Cognac is for pimps, not monsters.
Quasimodo: *slaps self on the forehead* of course…
Frollo: Now, let's practice your alphabet, shall we?
Quasimodo: *in a sad tone* Yes, master…
Frollo: "A"?
Quasimodo: Acid.
Frollo: "B"?
Quasimodo: Booze.
Frollo: "C"?
Quasimodo: Crack Cocaine.
Frollo: "D"?
Quasimodo: Dope.
Frollo: "E"?
Quasimodo: Ecstasy.
Frollo: "F"?
Quasimodo: *absentmindedly* Feces.
Frollo: *clears throat* Excuse me?
Quasimodo: SHIT!!
Frollo: What?!
Quasimodo: *nervously* I mean…um…
Frollo: *regaining control* You said "feces" and "shit". You wish to attend the Festival of Stool.
Quasimodo: Well…you go every year, Master, sir.
Frollo: I must go! I…am a hustler! But I don't enjoy a moment of it! Thieves and beggars all mixed together in a shallow pool of shit!
[Frollo makes his way down the staircase. Quasimodo follows him.]
Frollo: *turns to look at Quasimodo* Why can't you understand, nigga? When your ho of a mum dumped you on her way to senior prom, any other fucker would've killed you!
Quasimodo: *sigh* I know, master.
Frollo: Yet you don't UH-PREE-SHE-EIGHT what I'm tryin ta do for you!
Quasimodo: Yes I do, Master! I'd do ANYTHING for you…
Frollo: *weirded out* are you coming on to me?
Quasimodo: …
Frollo: *pretends Quasimodo never said that and breaks into song*
The 'hood is cruel,
Police are wicked.
It's I alone whom you can trust in this whole city.
I am your one true friend.
I who pimp you, teach you and caress you.
I who gaze upon you with no fear.
How can I protect you, fool, unless you
Always stay in here
Away in here…
[Frollo walks back up to the belltower. Quasimodo follows him again.]
Frollo:
You are deformed…
Quasimodo:
I am deformed.
Frollo:
You're fucking ugly…
Quasimodo:
I'm fucking ugly!!
Frollo:
And these are crimes
For which the world
Shows you no mercy.
You do not comprehend…
Quasimodo:
I am a hunchbacked loser…
Frollo: That's right, Quasimodo.
Quasimodo: *sobs* I should just die!!
Frollo: *nods*
Out there they'll reject you as a loser.
Out there they'll throw shit at you and jeer.
Why invite that horrid kind of humiliation?
Stay in here, away in here…
Be grateful to me
Quasimodo: I'm grateful.
Frollo: *glares at Quasimodo*
Fucking loser…
Do as I say
Obey
And stay
In heeeeeeeere.
Quasimodo: *teary eyed* Yes, Master! I hope you can forgive me!
Frollo: Shut the fuck up, Quasimodo!
Quasimodo: As you wish, master.
Frollo: Now, I better not catch you anywhere but within the walls of this bell tower. Monsters don't belong in the presence of people.
Quasimodo: *cries* no, they don't.
Frollo: *in a severe tone* Good. Always remember, Quasimodo. This isn't merely an ice-cold pit of filth. This…is your crib.
Quasimodo: *sighs* My crib…
Frollo: *in a cheerful tone*Anyway, I'm off to screw some sluts! TTYL!
[Frollo leaves. Quasimodo remains.]
Quasimodo: Man, my life sucks! Master Frollo doesn't understand! If I don't get some tail soon, Imma kill some bitches like those Columbine faggots!
Victor: Poor Quasimodo…
Quasimodo: I should just do the world a favour and jump out of this damn bell tower!! My life is so dark and miserable!!! They all have no idea what it's like to be like me!! What it's like to be fugly!!
[Quasimodo looks down at Paris from high above in the bell tower.]
Quasimodo: *sings again*
Safe behind my filthy crib and four walls of cold stone,
Gazing at the fuckers down below me.
All my life I watch them as I'm up here getting stoned,
Hungry for the miseries they show me.
All my life I've memorized their places,
Stalking them cuz they will never fuck me.
All my life I wonder how it feels to suck a cock,
Not above them,
But part of them…
And out there
Living as the hoes
Gimme one day out there!
All I ask is one
To hold forever
Out there
Walkin in my underwear!
Yes I'd eat
Pubic hair
Just to live one day out there!
Out there among the dealers and the killers
And their knives
Slip'n roofies in some drinks to rape girls.
Everyday I hear and see the beaten,
Mis'rable wives,
Heedless of the gift it is to be them.
If I was in their skin
I'd treasure every beating!
Out there
Snortin' by the Seine.
Taste the vodka
Out there
Like ordinary men
Who freely pimp about there
Just one day and then
I swear
I'll be content,
With my share
Won't repent
Or regret
I'll get AIDS
I won't care
I'll have spent
One day
Out there…
-End of Chapter Two-