Trigger warning: Suicide. Death. Rape. Horrible beginning, but the ending is worth it. This is a swan queen story and despite the above trigger warning, it does have a happy ending.
"For in that sleep of death what dreams may come."
~William Shakespeare~
Her knees wobbled from the blow to her head and it made her immobilized. A stinging pain made her eyes wince in response and all Emma could do was lay there and take each punch. She was defenseless to her attacker. Crimson stained the school's basketball court where her face laid against the gravelly surface. "You stupid dyke." She heard and felt a kick to her stomach. She cringed in pain, unable to scream out for help. Where had she gone wrong? All Emma wanted was to fit in. New schools were new opportunities, her father had told her.
She saw his blue gym shorts flung by her head. She could smell the sweat that had soaked into them from their basketball game. Her nose twitched in disgust. She couldn't move to get away. She closed her eyes shut tighter than ever before.
Moving was hard enough when she didn't even fit in at her previous school. She was a good student and now a good athlete, but no matter how hard she tried she was always the outcast that no one liked.
Then she met Robbie Locke, he was the school's star track runner. His dad was the coach of the track and cross country teams and taught physical education. On top of that, he was a valued member of the church.
Robbie's letterman's jacket had every gold bar you could imagine. He was, well is, the boy next door. Except, right now, he was the boy hovering over Emma beating her to a pulp and taking her dignity.
"You should have just let me kiss you! He yelled out, humiliated. "So many other girls would have wanted to be you!" He hit her again.
It was just last month, they'd traveled to a different county on a Saturday for the big pre-season races and they spent a lot of time together. To Emma, this was an opportunity that her father had told her about, to make friends.
It started by Robbie giving her a banana and a gatorade.
"You're new in town. I met your dad at church. Seems to be a really nice guy. Did you run at your last school?"
He seemed nice and Emma was a little too eager and trusting. Over the course of the month, she thought she had made her first friend. That was until moments before when Robbie tried to kiss her in the middle of their basketball game. He grabbed her by the waist and pushed her against the pole of the large hoop. His lips touched her now bruised and scraped cheek. She pushed him away trying to tell him she wasn't interested.
Emma thought that if she told him the truth, that she was gay, he'd be okay with that. That things would stay the same and they could be friends. She just wanted to be friends, even before she moved she didn't have one.
"I can't believe you, Emma!" He yelled, spit flying from his mouth to her face. "You're such a stupid bitch! I hate you!" Then she felt his hands around her neck.
Her eyes rolled open and looked into those perfect baby blue eyes that looked like ocean waters and wheezed out a plea,"Please stop?" She begged. Her voice barely audible. Her heart pounded and her body burned from pain.
"Please? Now you want it?" He squeezed tighter and then dropped her forcefully down on the harsh pavement. He hacked a loogie and aimed it perfectly at Emma's face. "You just need a guy like me to show you what you're missin' out on." He pushed between her legs.
She felt his hands pull at her shorts and hook under her underwear. She squirmed trying to get away. Her throat felt like sandpaper and she sobbed out, "No!"
That didn't stop the attack. He pushed forward into her stealing her virtue. "You filthy bitch. How does it feel?" He spat.
Snot drizzled down her face as she cried out no, but her weak beaten body couldn't fight away the intrusion.
Everything hurt and her body felt like it was being torn to shreds. "Stop." She cried.
Grunts were all she heard. His pace quickened and then he stopped. His lips found her ear and he sickly moaned out in pleasure. She turned her head and pulled further away from him. As quickly as he attacked her, he came in her, and pulled out of her.
Robbie stood and grabbed his blue gym shorts. He towered over her and laughed. "You know what, fuck you, you piece of garbage, didn't even get me off that good. Go home to mommy and daddy and don't even think about being on the team anymore." He said stepping into his shorts. Venomously he added, "I'll tell my dad that you came onto me and hit me." He laughed insanely, "That will do wonders for your father's new reputation. They always say the preachers daughters are the worst."
Emma didn't move. She just laid there with her underwear and shorts around her ankles under the basketball hoop, on the outdoor basketball court, of her new school. Robbie grabbed his gym bag and ran off leaving her there like buzzard food.
Every ounce of strength she had was used to pull up her clothes. She lost her breath and laid back down.
It felt like an hour had gone by and Emma was still incapable of standing. Her body hurt too much and she silently cried to herself. She felt like the only hope she had was knocked out of her. She hated herself. She hated that she was different. She couldn't find friends and her parents always looked at her with pity in their eyes. They told her to try harder to make friends and to join sports teams. She did all of that and now she's bleeding out all of her efforts and bruised with rejection.
It was the sun casting a shadow over the trees that made Emma get up. It was late and she didn't want to walk home in the dark. When she first sat up, she coughed, causing pain to ripple down her sides from where that asshole had kicked her over and over. She pulled out her cell phone from her nearby gym bag and saw a text message from her mother. She swiped the screen open and read through hooded eyes.
Made fish sticks and tater tots for dinner. Try and be home soon. Tell Robbie I said hi!
Emma tossed the phone to the side. Her hopeful mother was still delusional. When Emma told her parents that she was gay they acted like she just needed to read her bible more and hang out with boys. Her mother's exact words were that she was a 'late bloomer.'
Emma shook her head. She was tired of trying. Tired of fucking up everything and making her parents disappointed. There was only so much she could do before it became all too much.
She was bound for questions when she got home, questions she knew that would lead to answers her parents wouldn't want to hear. They would twist this so that it was her fault. Emma cried to herself. She wished she could be the daughter they wanted. She wanted to not be gay. She just wanted friends and happiness. God did she just want to be happy, but she didn't see that ever happening.
She stood slowly, her back hunched over a little, and grabbed her gym bag and slung it over her shoulder. The walk home was longer than usual. She limped and had to take several breaks to catch her breath. Her side hurt, but more than that, the pain between her legs was barely tolerable. Her bag kept rubbing at her side and when she shakily lifted her tee-shirt she was met with swollen skin. That bastard probably broke something and he'd get away with it all. She was sure of it. Her parents were never going to believe her.
She pushed herself to continue walking. Willed herself to stop crying and just accept that she was garbage, just like he said.
When she opened the back door to her home, the church parsonage, she kicked off her tennis shoes and dropped her gym bag next to them. Her mother was standing in the kitchen, her red apron around her waist.
"Hey honey, you're just in time. Will you set the table?" Her mother asked.
Emma didn't move. She just leaned against the wall and watched her mother move around with a pan of fish sticks in her mitten covered hand. Her hair was freshly cut, shorter than ever before. It was the 'new trend,' or so her mother said. She was beautiful and Emma had no idea where her looks came from. She had long blonde hair the color of pasta that felt like straw. It never shined like her mother's dark hair did.
"Emma?" Her mother peeked her head back from behind the cupboards. The pan of fish sticks that she was holding onto fell to the floor in a loud clatter.
Wordlessly she rushed over to where Emma was. "Mercy! What's happened to you?" Her mother begged to know. Her hands were caressing Emma's sore skin.
She had no idea what to say. So Emma said nothing. She looked away from begging eyes.
Her father walked into the kitchen. He was still in his work khaki's and a button down shirt. His face was etched with worry and he said, "I just got off the phone with Coach Locke." Emma's father said as he sat down the portable house phone. "It appears Emma has been kicked off the track team." He said, confused.
Emma shook her head, her eyes swollen with dread filled tears.
"Emma? What did you do?" Her mother asked, now defensive.
She didn't understand. The fact was, she did nothing. She has always done nothing to deserve this endless cycle of bullshit.
"Coach Locke said that you came onto Robbie. That you forced yourself on him and hit him when he said no to you?" Her father's voice quivered. "Emma, do you know what you've done? You could cost me my job!" He said with his hand on his forehead.
"Do you even see me?" Emma finally screamed out despite the pain her body endured. "How could you think for two seconds that's true?" Fresh tears leaked down purple, swollen skin.
"We asked you to make friends and to join the team. You were making good improvements." He yelled back. "Robbie is a good kid. His parents make good donations to the church and I have to take their word for it. You've been troubled. I can't stress enough how much the word of God can help you. I felt like the extra bible study sessions were helping when you met Robbie, that the sinful fixations that you had were being fixed."
"You can't fix me!" Emma yelled. Clutching her mother's shirt. "I am who I am. I won't change. I'm sorry I'm such a shameful disgrace to you and the daughter you never wanted, but here I am. And I promise you I never came on to anyone. How can you stand there and take their side? I'm your flesh and blood. You're not supposed to…" Emma cried out. "You're my dad…" She choked. "I'm hurting and you only care about your job."
"Emma that's enough. Do not disrespect your father." Her mother said. Emma couldn't believe her ears. Her heart ached and her mind started to feel numb. She would never win. She'd never be good enough, she'd always be a failure. She wanted it to stop. It needed to stop.
"Go to your room. Your mother and I need to discuss how to handle this mess you've created."
This mess she created? To be fair, she never created any messes. In fact, it was her parents that created her. She was their mess. A mess that she wished never existed.
That night, Emma laid awake in her twin bed with springs lodged into her sore sides. Her eyes had crusted over from dried, salty tears. She cried till she couldn't cry anymore. She cried for the life she'd never have. She cried because she felt helpless to fix any of it. All she wanted was to be happy, but happiness wasn't in the cards that were dealt to her. She snuggled closer into her stuffed bunny rabbit that she'd had since she was born. Its white fur was dingy and his left ear had been sown on with black and blue stitching several times. His right eye was missing and no matter how pathetic he looked, he was her source of comfort.
Her mom had tried to throw it away when they moved last. She told Emma that she was too old for those kinds of toys. Later that night, Emma found it in a trash bag by the garbage barrels outside and snuck it back into the house. Since then, she would shove it under her mattress before going to school.
She didn't know when it all changed. There was a day when she was 'daddy's little princess' who was showered with love and gifts. Then one day she woke up and she was no longer the daughter they wanted.
He wasn't the same guy since his last church either. The congregation thought he was too liberal minded with the word of God. Thereafter he had become more strict, not only with his work, but with her.
After her parents had dinner earlier, they told her that she was grounded until further notice. They wanted her to attend more bible studies and every night she was to write and discuss what scriptures she read. The worst part was the formal letter of apology she was to write to Robbie for her inappropriate actions. That crushed Emma. Her parents refused to listen to her, to take her word. Instead, they chose to believe the lies. She told them she wouldn't write it. That only spurred further arguing.
Her parents were doing everything in their power to fix her. They ignored the fact that she was physically broken, which hurt more than the physical punches and kicks to her stomach.
Her mother did say she'd take her to the doctor in the morning, ignoring her immediate need for medical attention. It was unbelievable really.
Emma turned over in her bed and looked at the picture on her side table. It was from seven years ago in a town in Maine. Her parents were driving through to get to Cape Elizabeth where they took their two week summer vacations, well, before her father's pay cut. It was the last vacation they took in Maine since then. The small town they'd stopped in had the best ice cream. The picture was right outside the mom and pop diner with her parents with large cones, hers dipped in chocolate.
If only she could go back there. Go back to a place where she felt happy. Emma closed her eyes and thought of summer's in Maine trying to fall asleep to happier times.
When sleep finally came, she found no solace in her dreams. There was no flying of kites, or waterboarding in the cold Atlantic waves. Instead she saw Robbie's enraged ocean blue eyes. He was yelling words of hate at her and she couldn't get away, not even from the blow of his angered punches. It felt too real, everything was happening again. She was powerless and as before she saw those same blue shorts flung by her head and she tried to beg him to stop. Her voice never came. When he squeezed her neck this time, she couldn't move or fight to get away. His fingers dug into her neck and she choked back her last breath of air.
Her eyes shot open and burned from what felt like chlorine. She screamed out from sudden realization and air bubbles floated from her mouth into the water that surrounded her. Her hair fanned out as she sank lower and lower to the bottom of a glass tank that sat in the middle of a dark room. The worst part was the blobs of figures staring back at her that she could barely see. She couldn't make sense of it all. Why was she in a water tank? She couldn't see them to distinguish who they were. Her mind ached to see their faces and just like that a spotlight appeared and there stood her parents. They looked angry and then there was her coach. He shook his head and held up a timer, indicating her time was up. She pounded her fists against the thick glass, feeling weaker from the gravity of the water, only able to cause ripples and waves in the tank in which she found no escape.
She swam to the other side trying to find a crack in the surface. Pounding the glass she found she was trapped. She could never escape, she was a prisoner. She started to give up and then his face appeared. He looked at her as if she was the most disgusting thing alive and she gasped out in fear of him. Water flooded the expanse of her lungs. She was drowning. And the last thing she'd see was Robbie, the monster of her dreams. The face she'd never forget. Her heartbeat slowed and she shook her head no. If only she could forget.
She screamed until black faded to a bright light. Her body jolted back as the car she was in throttled left and then right. She felt like she was in a Crash Bandicoot racing game that she'd played when she was eight. Except it was scarier because it felt real. The roads looked like roller coasters and there was nothing holding her securely into her seat. She couldn't see the driver who recklessly sped up the vehicle. "Stop!" She yelled trying to hold on to something as the car went around a road that turned them upside down. "Please stop." She yelled, terrified for her life.
The driver turned around and it was him. It was always going to be him. "Please? Now you want it?" He squeezed tighter to the steering wheel.
"No!" She screamed. The car was going over a hundred miles per hour and all Emma wanted was for it to all be over. She wanted to forget this all happened. It was too much, the pain was too unbearable. And in that moment, she was dreaming of an absent pulse to take her away to somewhere else.
When Emma shot up in her bed she gasped for air to fill her sandpaper lungs. She cried and her sweat drenched palms wiped the wet film from her forehead.
She winced from the pain she felt, a reminder that this was real, it was never a dream. She was beaten and she was raped. Her parents didn't care. No one cared. She wanted it to be over. She wanted this all to stop.
With great effort she pushed off her bed, dropping her stuffed bunny rabbit to the floor, and walked into her bathroom. She looked at her reflection's torn features, the bruises, and hated who she saw. This wasn't who she wanted to be.
No matter how hard she tried to find salvation in the fact that she was nearly old enough to move out of her home and start her own life, it felt like it'd never come. She dreamed of the day when she'd be in her twenties and able to embrace who she was, enabling her happiness. God did she want to be happy.
Those were her hopes and dreams and, well, her hope was beaten out of her. She no longer had anything anchoring her desire to be. There was nothing to live for.
She pulled out thick scissors from her vanity draw. There was nothing left, she told herself, again, and with no hesitation, she held the razor sharp blade against her skin and dug it deep, deeper than ever before until red was all she could see. Until red turned to black.
There was blood everywhere next to her body that laid flat on the white, cold, tiled floor. Emma had sat there for what felt like an eternity. It was her mother who found her body first. She screamed out a heated cry for help.
"No, no, no!" She cried out as she clutched Emma's lifeless body.
It was weird watching the living. Seeing her mother so distraught over her body. She never expected that, nor did she expect to see her father cry like he did when he first saw her body.
That's the thing though, she failed to think of others when she felt so desperate to kill herself. She was selfish and blinded by her pain.
She watched it like a movie, the way her father yelled up at the sky, "Bring her back!" He threw everything off her bathroom counter and punched a hole in the wall before kneeling down to her lifeless form. "I'm so sorry." He cried, "What have I done?" He pulled his daughter's bloody form into his lap and he held her close.
Emma shook her head. Now he cared? Where was her father when she was beaten? Where was he when she had everything stolen from her? How could someone be so emotionless like an empty void of space and now beg for her back?
She watched as he cried more alongside her mother whose face was distorted as she cried out. "Do something. Bring her back. I said bring her back!" She hit the floor with her balled up fist. "I always wanted a daughter. I just wanted a little girl and to give her the best life. I wanted her to be happy!" Emma's mother kissed her dull, stiff hair. "I just wanted you to be happy. I didn't mean to hurt you. I wanted the best for you. Emma, why'd you do this? Why'd you do this to us? I loved you." Her mother cried.
Emma couldn't recall the last time her mother had said those three words. It was then that Emma realized her actions were not the answer. What she did was irreversible. She'd never get to talk to her parents again.
"Emma!" Her father sobbed. He caressed her pale, bruised cheek. "I'm never going to forgive myself. I should have loved you more, I should have loved you better."
Emma felt herself wanting to reach out to them. She wanted to tell them she was sorry and that she loved them too, but she couldn't. She killed herself. She wasn't among the living. She was dead.
She felt herself start to cry, what had she done? She killed herself. She just wanted to be happy. She wanted to no longer feel pain and sadness, but all she felt now was more sadness and an ache to reach out to her parents. She'd never get to talk to them again.
No matter how bad things were, there were still good things. She made a mistake. She wanted to close her eyes and go back to Maine one last time and eat that amazing ice cream with her parents. She wanted to fly kites on Cape Elizabeth and play in the ocean water.
Emma ached to reach out to her parents. They'd done so many things wrong, but she loved them too and it was her who made a decision that was an irreversible one.
Eventually she couldn't hold on. After the coroner took her body in a black body bag she closed her eyes and willed herself to be somewhere else. She had to get away from all the sorrow that filled the four walls of her home. She'd never forget the images of her mother and father drenched in her blood. She fucked up. All she could do was close her eyes and beg to be somewhere else.
And somewhere else is where she went. Was it her own personal Hell? She had to wonder since she sat on the gravelly surface of the outdoor basketball court. Of course, her own brand of torture, she'd have to sit out an eternity in the place she lost it all.
She sat there for what felt like a long time, she watched the pigment in the tree's leaves change from green, to yellow, red, and orange. Slowly, she watched them die and fall away.
This was her eternity. A life forever in the place she just wanted to forget, all alone. She'd forever be alone.
She regretted everything. She wished this was all some miserable messed up dreamscape, but it wasn't.
Emma shivered from the fog that started to roll in. She brought her knees up to her chin and she closed her eyes.
An unexpected husky voice behind jolted her from her remorse.
"What took you so long?"
Emma turned around and was met with a woman she thought was a mirage. Her mind was cruelly torturing her. It had to be. She was alone in her own Hell, who'd be crazy enough to join her?
"What do you want? You're… You're just some figment of my imagination." Emma stuttered out to the intruder.
"No, I'm pretty real." The brunette woman crouched down to Emma's eye level. She held a strong piercing gaze before she added, "What happened to you." The brunette questioned softly.
"Who are you?" Emma asked confused as she knitted her eyebrows together trying to back away. "You can't be here."
The woman smiled at the distressed blonde and ignored the last part. Instead she said, "You already know who I am."
Emma shook her head, confused, lost really, "No… No, I've never seen you before." She paused and looked at the older woman harder, willing herself to place who she was. She was sure she would remember her. She was breathtaking.
"Ah, but you have. Many times actually." She said matter of factly.
Emma's mouth went dry as she tried to remember. "I don't remember." She confessed in a nervous whisper. "Are you some sort of an angel?" Emma asked, trying to piece together everything.
"Emma." She said softly. "It's okay to not remember yet. You had a rough time and this transition will be hard. Eventually, you will remember me, I'm sure of it." The woman said with a loving smile. "My name is Regina and I'm no angel. I'm like you. Just another soul." She ran a slender finger along Emma's jaw and asked, "Do you trust me?"
Emma found herself nodding her head yes before she could even process the question. The other woman was hypnotic. She didn't understand it, but she felt this comfortable magnetic pull towards her. Her heart swelled with trust, so much trust that it was bursting from the seams.
A small dainty hand was extended out to her to hold on to. Without a moment's hesitation, Emma grabbed a hold of it.
"Close your eyes." She was directed with Regina's smooth voice.
So Emma did. The sensations that followed were nothing less than euphoric. She felt herself burst out into laughter. She laughed and held the hand that didn't belong to her closer to her chest.
This felt like heaven, if that was somewhere she'd ever get to go.
"You can open your eyes now." The husky voice said. When Emma opened her eyes she was standing outside the ice cream shop in Maine she'd longed for.
"Why are we here?" Emma asked, confused.
Regina smiled, "That's for you to tell me."
The radio alarm clock started going off next to the vintage framed bed. The man had a classic radio voice, "Good morning, it's a whopping eighty-seven degrees in town today. Sunny, high skies with a low of seventy-six. Over at Any Given Sundae, there will be free kiddie cones, make sure to stop in to beat this sweltering heat. The annual carnival over at the park tonight kicks off today. I'd make sure to head over there and wouldn't want to miss out on bumper cars or cotton candy. It's just a great day folks, get out there and enjoy it. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ring in. I've got some soft rock music coming your way starting with Acoustic #3 by the Goo Goo Dolls."
Soft, music began to echo from the small, but loud radio alarm clock.
"They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew
And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway."
Her hand popped the top of the alarm changing the station hoping for something a little less soft.
"I never let you go
I never let you turn around, your back on each other
That's a good idea, break a promise to your mother
Turn around, your back on each other
You say that I changed
Well maybe I did
But even if I changed
What's wrong with it?
I never let you go."
Emma's eyes popped open, and she looked around the room at the tacky wallpaper with floral prints. Music was still softly playing off in the distance. Instantly, she assumed this was another one of her weird dreams. Constantly she felt like she was living in a dreamscape. Nothing was real, and yet everything felt too lifelike. It made no sense. She groaned out loud to herself as she moved the blanket off to the side. A dust cloud from the blanket she moved formed around her and when she stood she sneezed several times. Her eyes squinted from the sunlight that filtered in through the curtains, and she stumbled around the edge of the queen bed.
In a dizzy, post-sneeze state, she walked into the en-suite bathroom and turned on the rusty faucet. Turbulent water poured out from the sides, but even still Emma splashed some on her face in hopes the bone-chilling temperature would wake her up. Except that wasn't the case when she looked up at her reflection. Instead of feeling refreshed, she felt panic when her emerald green eyes were met with a much older reflection.
That was it; it was her final straw. Her mouth fell open, and she screamed so loudly that the uvula in the back of her throat was throttled back and forth from the vibrations. Her scream was so loud that unknowingly the patrons in the restaurant below her heard the floorboards shift and glasses clink together.
"What is happening?" She yelled after her long winded scream had come to an end. Her now reflection was of a twenty-five-year-old Emma, one far older than she remembered. What happened to being a teenager? Her face already had a wrinkle on her forehead. Squinting and shutting her eyes she tried to see if her reflection would change, to her dismay it did not. She stumbled back from the mirror, looking down at her aged hands until the backs of her legs hit a clawfoot tub. Inevitably, she fell in along with the shower curtain that snapped away from every ring that held it up.
Again, all of her tumbling about was heard by the patrons below who all stopped and studied the ceiling above them. Howls of frustration from the depths of Emma's throat did not fall on deaf ears.
"Are you kidding me?" Emma yelled out in a huff of annoyance. She pushed herself up and out of the tub and free of the moldy shower curtain. She walked back into the bedroom with purpose, because clearly this wasn't a dream and she didn't remember anything. Convinced she'd come out of a coma or something.
She looked around and saw some discarded clothing on the faded red oriental rug, she assumed they were hers and picked them up and threw them on hastily.
She swung open the big wooden ornate door to the room and looked out into the hallway that had a flickering light above go out. It was dark, and Emma had no clue where she was. Perhaps it really was a dream, and she was in some serial killer's home. That would have just been the cherry on top of her sundae.
Slowly, she made her way downstairs to a diner, which sat about a dozen people enjoying their breakfast. A diner wasn't what she expected, but perhaps that was the dream changing things up on her because that was the only explanation she could determine. She calculated her next move carefully. Did she ask someone for help, or just walk out and never look back?
"Morning sunshine." An elderly voice caused her ears to tingle. The woman dashed by her with a pot of steaming hot coffee.
"Uh, morning," Emma said, confused. Did this person know who she was? "I-" She tried to ask her first question but was cut off.
"She's sittin' at the bar over there waitin' on ya. I've got your usual coming right up."
Emma scrunched her face. Her usual? She couldn't for the life of her remember ever stepping foot in this place and who, who is waiting on her?
"I'm sorry but-"
"I don't have time to chat sweet cheeks." The older, gray-haired woman moved much faster than Emma would think possible for a person of her age. She turned and looked around and saw a woman, with shoulder length dark hair sitting at the bar in a deep royal blue shirt. She sat with her elbow on the counter and her head leaning into one hand and the other cupping a steaming mug full of what possibly was coffee.
Emma tentatively took one step forward and almost collided with a leggy brunette who said, "Watch it. I don't want to be wearing someone's breakfast." She said, wolfishly. Emma looked at her with worried eyes unable to talk. The brunette paused and studied her carefully. "Whoa, you really look like you need your coffee. It's over by Regina." Emma balked at her. How was she supposed to know that, but wait. Regina? That actually rang a bell.
Emma turned and looked at the woman and whispered her name, "Regina." She then remembered. Like a great flood, the memories from before started coming back to Emma. All of them, including her death. Emma shuddered at the thought of that fateful day and how she lost control. It all felt too surreal, really. And still, that didn't sort out why she was here and why everyone acted as if they knew who she was.
With an air of confidence, she strode forward and plopped down in the stool next to the brunette. The brunette had an effortless glow to her and a smile that was brighter than the sun. "Emma?" She said with such a sweet, hopeful tone. "You remember?" She asked.
"Uh, not exactly. Why do I look like this?" Emma asked the woman, casually. Regina visibly deflated, however, and Emma didn't expect that.
"I guess it's going to take a little longer than usual." She grumbled into her coffee; her hopeful smile was now a frown.
Emma shook her head, "What do you mean, longer than usual?"
"Nothing. I meant nothing. Your food should be here shortly. You should drink that coffee; you'll need it. I figured we could go to the carnival later today in town."
"Regina. Cut the crap and start answering some questions."
"I can't."
"Yes, you can." Emma leaned closer in case people were listening, "Why do I look like this?"
"That's for you to remember, I can't tell you." Regina said as gently as possible. "When you're ready, you'll know."
"Here's your breakfast. Eat up child, you need more meat on your bones." The older woman smiled.
Emma looked down at a plate of pancakes and started digging in. "So you're really not going to help me are you?"
"I can't. I wish I could." Regina sighed. "Well, do you want to go to the carnival?"
Emma nodded with a smile. "Are you kidding? Cotton candy, rides, and Ferris wheels? You can count me in. I can't remember the last time I've been to one of those. Will they have games?"
"They will. I believe they will have the ring toss and a few others. Why? Plan on winning any?"
"Might as well." Emma smiled at Regina, who instantly smiled in response. The sight alone caused Emma's heart to swell with a foreign feeling that made her shiver in response. It wasn't a bad feeling. It felt like ice cream on a hot summer's day kind of feeling. Shaking those thoughts away from her mind, she asked, "So, uh, where are we exactly?"
Regina nodded and answered cryptically. "We're where you wanted to be."
"I don't understand." Emma said, confused. "How do you know where I wanted to be?"
"This is your creation, Emma. You did all of this." Regina motioned around. "With your mind."
"So you mean you're telling me that this morning, my mind created the dust cloud that caused me to sneeze?"
Regina furrowed her brow, "That's one way to look at it, but it's more complex than that."
"Right, and what do you mean by that?" Emma pressed on.
Regina sighed, and Emma could tell she was careful with her responses. "This place is what you created." Regina said again. "It's your small place in the universe that's your heaven."
"My whose what?" Emma said, now dropping her fork full of pancake onto the porcelain plate. "What do you mean by my heaven?"
"You're dead, Emma. This… this is your heaven." Regina said with less finesse.
"I don't understand, isn't Jesus supposed to be walking on clouds in his vegan sandals and wearing a robe with angels floating around?"
Regina busted out laughing at that stereotype. "Seriously?" She said now more seriously, "That's not exactly what this place is. The big guy is somewhere else in his own heaven too."
"But, so then, why are you here? Why are any of these people here?" Emma asked, confused.
Regina smiled and sipped her coffee before standing from the stool. "Come on, let's go to the park. Time moves faster here, and I want to spend at least some time outside enjoying the sunlight." Regina didn't wait for Emma, and she instead started to walk towards the diner's door.
"Regina, wait up!" Emma said, shoving one more piece of pancake into her mouth. "Hey!" She yelled trying to catch up, "You didn't answer my question." Emma pointed out as she stopped right in front of the other woman. "Why are you all here? If this is my heaven, then why am I not alone?"
She took a step closer to Regina and studied her dark brown eyes. She wanted an answer, and she didn't just want to pretend that she didn't have questions. Sure that would be easier, but if she was going to figure anything out, she wanted help.
Regina brought her hand up to Emma's cheek and caressed it. She tucked a blonde strand of hair behind her ear and smiled. "You've always been stubborn. I don't know why I thought this would be easy. You had a really rough time." Regina said more so to herself. "Part of this transition is figuring things out on your own. I can't give you every answer. That's cheating. Besides, I remember a time…. nevermind." Regina turned and started walking down Main Street.
"No… No neverminds." Emma was frustrated with the abruptness. "What were you going to say?" Emma grabbed Regina's arm feeling static travel from contact through her entire arm as if it were magic. "Whoa." Emma said, taking a step back. "Did you just feel that?"
Regina smiled. "Not as much as you did, but yeah I did feel that." Regina looked closely at Emma's eyes. "Look, I know how much you want all of your questions answered. How about we make a deal?" She raised an eyebrow. "How about we go to this carnival and spend some time together and if you don't feel like you've answered your own questions by then, then I'll answer one question. But just one." Regina held up a finger.
"Oh come on. I have at least a hundred." Emma whined.
"Yeah, so make that one count." She smiled a toothy grin. "Shall we? I hear they have some elephant ears and candy apples!"
The carnival was exactly what Emma had pictured. There were tents full of games, food stands, rides, and exhibits of the World's Shortest Lady and halls of mirrors.
While the hall of mirrors seemed like a good idea, by the third reflection she saw of herself, she realized she wasn't exactly the person she remembered. Which, led them to where they were currently, just beside a food tent.
"This tastes like… heaven." Emma heard herself say. She then rolled her eyes and laughed at her own comment.
"You should taste this." Regina held out a red, candy covered apple. "It's to die for." Emma looked into her eyes and smiled wide. She opened her mouth for Regina to feed her a bite of the candy apple. It was, well, not terrible, but it was no elephant ear. "That's chewy." She said crunching down on the candy that covered the apple.
"Oh just because it's slightly healthy you don't like it."
"No, that's not it at all." Emma laughed. "It's just a weird texture. I like this more. Want a bite?" She asked, holding up her paper plate full of fried dough and powdered sugar.
"I guess it won't kill me." Regina smirked and tore off a piece and chewed slowly. "That is heavenly."
"Right! I want like five more." Emma exclaimed.
"Okay, maybe don't go overboard."
"What? It's not like the calorie content counts when you're dead." Emma quirked. "But I suppose I'd rather play that game over there." She pointed to a multi-colored tent. A large banner had printed on it, "Balloons and Darts."
"You think you can win? The games are all rigged, aren't they?" Regina asked.
"Ah, while that may be the case, this is my heaven, is it not? Like you said, I created this." Emma said proudly, starting to feel like she had a handle on everything.
When the kid running the tent handed over a pack of darts to Emma she cheeked back, "Watch and learn."
Regina watched as Emma hit not one balloon, but multiples.
The lanky kid held up two prizes for Emma to pick between, "Uh, so you can choose between this stuffed dog or this alien blow up doll."
"Oh, alien blow up doll for sure." She grabbed the purple doll and turned towards Regina with a prideful smile. "See. Told ya!"
"Congrats. Your humbleness is astounding." Regina laughed. "Let's ride those bumper cars so I can cream you at something."
"Oh, you're on." Emma's daring glance was directed at Regina.
Emma jumped into the first, yellow car she saw and buckled herself up. Regina was somewhere in the pack, and Emma was determined to find her. When the cars started Emma steered her wheel to a hard left and scooted across the floor in search of the brunette woman. Some loser kid smacked right into her and laughed with his cotton candy blue tongue poked out at her.
"Move it kid-" A harsh smack to her backside pushed her forward and just as fast as the pressure was there, it was gone. By the time Emma had cut her wheel to turn around to see who hit her, her car felt another hard hit from a different side, followed by laughter.
"You're kidding." She said, somewhat defeated. She turned her wheel and hit her gas pedal to retreat. But just as she was moving away from the target that kept hitting her, she felt another harsh hit to her back side. "I told you I'd cream you." She heard from behind her. Their cars shut off seconds later, and Emma popped out.
Regina was stepping out of her car with a devious smirk. "I'm really good at bumper cars. Years of practice. You stood no chance against me." She pointed towards Emma.
"Now look who the humble one is. It's getting dark." Emma said. Apparently Regina was right, it did get darker quicker there. "Uh, want to ride the Ferris wheel, with me?" Emma nervously asked. She didn't even know why she was nervous, but her palms itched and were sweaty. She felt herself feel slightly flushed.
"I would love to." Regina said.
The line wasn't too terribly long, but even still they had to wait. There were one too many kids running around screaming from sugar highs and couples kissing. Emma cleared her throat and said, "You look beautiful."
She then mentally kicked herself. What was she, sixteen? Though, she still had the mentality of a teenager unable to shake who she was.
Regina laughed it off and thanked her. The line was getting shorter, and Emma looked around at the different faces and nearly fainted when she saw her face.
She looked younger, but it was her. She looked the same for the most part. Emma felt her heart sink to the bottom of her stomach and she panicked. How could she be here? It was her heaven and if it truly was that then this made no sense.
"How… what? I don't understand." Emma's words failed to make logical sentences.
"What are you talking about?" Regina asked, confused.
"That was…. that woman, she's my mother." Emma pointed out into the crowd of passerbyers. "But I just died, how is she here?" Emma asked, trying to use logic as an answer, which so far wasn't exactly useful.
"It's our turn to get on the ride." Regina motioned to their open seat. Emma's eyes were still locked on the other woman, who she knew as her mother, as she sat in the car to the Ferris wheel.
When they were all settled in the carnival worker closed their door and moved their car up. Emma sat with her blow up purple alien doll next to Regina still trying to wrap her head around seeing her mother. "Tell me I'm seeing things, she looked just like my mom. I don't get it."
"Life is different here. By the time you passed and transitioned here, she was already here. She's not the person you remember, though. You have to remember that in case you see her. She was just another soul. You've met her many times before, just like you have met me many times before." Regina explained as their car slowly drifted upward.
When the car peaked at the top, Emma's attention changed to looking out over the carnival. She grinned and realized how much fun she had throughout the day with the woman next to her. Sounds of people below them carrying on, laughter filling the air, and music playing in the background was mesmerizing.
"I don't know why this place is my heaven." She started to say. "Or why I look twenty-five, but I do know that you came back for me when I sat waiting on that basketball court for what felt like forever. Ever since I woke up this morning, everything felt like a dream. You know I had these awful dreams just before I died. They felt so lifelike that today I just thought this was another one of those dreams." Emma paused and looked at the woman next to her. "But when I came down to the diner and life was carrying on, I knew I couldn't be dreaming. Everything and everyone kept pointing me towards you and I have to think that there's a reason for that. So, Regina, I'm cashing in my one question, why...why you?"
Regina stared at Emma with tears shining in her eyes. Emma wanted to know and while her day had been fun and the idea of being dead wasn't as terrifying as it was, in the beginning, she still was confused on many things, but mainly on who this woman was next to her.
"Who are you? Tell me Regina, who are you to me?" She asked again. Emma figured once she figured out who Regina was to her, and then maybe, just maybe everything would start to fall back into place.
"Emma," She said, in a breathless whisper.
"Tell me." Emma said. "Please."
"Can I try something first? It's worked before." She asked. Emma had no idea what that meant, and yet she felt herself trusting the other woman like before her with all her heart, so she nodded her head, yes.
"Close your eyes," Regina asked her. This wasn't the first time Regina had asked her to do that and the first time, well that was a feeling so euphoric and so blissful that Emma couldn't imagine she'd feel anything else.
But what she felt caused her to flinch. It was unexpected, but when it happened, she never wanted it to stop. Soft, warm lips had captured her own. Warm, affectionate hands pulled Emma closer and deeper into a kiss so passionate that she was lost in that moment. It felt like a burst of energy from a supernova between them. Euphoric didn't even cover the sensations that tingled through every limb of Emma's body.
And in a kaleidoscope of memories flickering through her mind, she remembered. She remembered everything. She remembered why she was twenty-five and why all these people were there in 'her' heaven. Then there was Regina. How could she ever let herself forget her beautiful Regina? Her soulmate.
"I remember." Emma leaned forward and pulled Regina into her arms. She held her close, not wanting a second away from the soul that was forever linked to hers. Even in death, Emma felt she couldn't feel close enough.
"I'm so sorry it took me this long."
"What? Like you've not come back before and done this same charade? You are by far the most stubborn."
"I know. I'm sorry. I promise I won't be leaving any time soon. I could use an extra minute in heaven."
Regina leaned forward and captured Emma's lips with her own. "Good. I missed you, even if it was only a blip."
"Next life, can we please go back together?" The Ferris Wheel started to move, and they were well on their way down to the ground.
"I wouldn't have it any other way." Emma felt her heart soar. Finally, everything made sense. This truly was her little slice of heaven.