A/n This appears to be my longest chapter yet. I could have broken it up but the chapter #'s are already off and driving me batty. Some of this is rather repetitive if you've read The TA, bear in mind that I'm locked into the dialog AND that some people are not reading both stories; so, I have to give Bella's full account in this chapter.

Music:

Requiem for a Dream

Evanescence - Haunted

Bon Jovi – Everybody's Broken

Coldplay – Swallowed in the Sea

My eyes met hers and I didn't know whether or not I could bear to hear what had happened to her. Knowing that she was in constant pain was almost too much on it's own.

"Edward, if you're not ready, then we don't have to do this tonight." She gave me a reassuring smile, as if it were to me that something terrible had happened, as if she had been at fault.

"No, I think that I can handle it if you're ready to tell the story." I had decided at that moment, I would bear this burden with her and she wouldn't know how much it hurt me. For once my words echoed my thoughts almost exactly. "This isn't something that you should have to bear alone."

"Okay, but if it gets to be too much please tell me. I'm used to bearing this burden by myself." She sighed and closed her eyes tightly steeling herself to tell the story.

Are you sure you're ready? Alice glanced at me.

She is very worried and it seems to be focused solely on you brother. Watch your reactions. Jasper had turned to face me now as well. I nodded and Bella began her story. I was the recipient of everyone's reactions as well as Jasper's play by play of Bella's emotional state. I'm unsure as to whether that made her story easier to listen to or harder.

"For the first few months after you left everything was quiet. I'm not going to lie and say that things were okay. They weren't. I was a zombie. I stopped interacting with people entirely. Charlie would find me in different places around the house crying. It was like a part of me died when you moved, and when Edward - said what he did. I-I couldn't function.

I told you that would happen. Alice folded her arms smugly.

We never should have left. Carlisle tried to keep his mental voice quiet but the thought was still there. He repeated it several times before Bella was finished.

"Ultimately, Charlie threatened to send me to Jacksonville but I couldn't bear the idea of leaving Forks because then you all really would feel like a dream instead of real people whom I knew and loved. I started hanging out with Jacob Black and doing some pretty risky things just to feel alive.

Jacob Black? Carlisle remembered an Ephraim Black but pushed the memory to the side. I remembered Ephraim as well.

I don't know if you heard it in her tone but whoever Jacob Black is, he makes her feel guilty.

"I would constantly hear Edward's voice in my head telling me not to but I started doing things just to hear him.

Seriously... You're not that big of a deal Edward, I don't get what her obsession is. Rosalie was still huffing over Bella standing up to her but secretly it made her respect her just a little bit.

"I was in truth, doing them to spite him because he made me promise to take care of myself and after a few months I got a bit angry. Anyway, it was around then that I first heard of sitings of a 'giant black bear'. Shortly after that hikers were found mauled on the trails. People were afraid to go into the woods. We all thought that the bear was the culprit. But then, Jacob Black got sick and refused to see me. I decided to start hiking on my own and I ran into Laurent in Edward's meadow.

Esme gasped drawing Bella out of her story to look at her.

Laurent!!! Six minds shouted at once. I could barely keep my composure.

That Bastard....

I knew he didn't really leave Irina...

How is she alive?

This must be at least one of the injuries.

"Laurent hadn't taken to being a 'vegetarian' and passed on to me that he was trying to to find me for Victoria."

I can't say that surprises me. Emmett focused on Bella.

Fear, should I calm her down? Jasper's face was panicked. I looked left then right to signal 'no', unfortunately this pain was necessary. It was blatantly obvious that she wasn't dealing with it on her own and needed to heal and the only way out was going to be through the pain.

"There's more. She was looking to avenge James as she gathered that I – that I was-was Edward's mate."

That hurt. Please let me help her.

"Laurent was going to 'take pity on me' and feed on me then so that I wouldn't fall into her hands but then something happened, a pack of giant wolves attacked him and I was able to run away."

Ephraim Black's grandson was a werewolf.

Edward, you know the significance of that? Carlisle shifted in his seat.

My mouth hung open involuntarily.

"I figured out, with a little help, that one of those wolves was Jacob Black. He and the pack started to protect me."

There it is again, she can't say his name without this bone crushing guilt. What did she do to that boy?

"You put your life in the hands of werewolves!" My efforts to keep her same from harm were thwarted by her of all people from the very beginning. I dropped my head into my hands unable to bear the thought.

"Please reserve your judgment on them until I've finished, they saved my life several times and it's not like I had so many more appealing choices. You were gone, and I couldn't defend myself. " She glared at me while she said this, I caught it as I looked up and instantly felt foolish. Once again this was my fault and I was getting angry.

Edward! No yelling, and I think that you should stay away from the topic of wolves as well as the motorcycle... Alice showed me Bella taking a crowbar to my Vanquish. I was fairly certain that this was not a vision but something that she was making up to keep me quiet.

"I spent every free minute at LaPush and the wolves spent every free minute tracking Victoria or watching over me. Every time they would close in on her she would escape and come at me again. I was absolutely terrified that she would kill the wolves or that she would slip past them and kill me."

Poor child.... Esme was repeating the phrase.

Okay that would explain the abject terror. I hope that this doesn't get much worse, a normal human would be falling apart right now with the emotions running through her system but it's almost like she's compartmentalized the feelings. Her voice isn't even wavering. Jasper sat in awe.

Bella's voice and posture reminded me exactly of how Jasper looked when he told or thought of a particularly painful war story.

" One night she came around in the water to avoid the pack and ki-killed the pack member guarding me, it was, it was Seth Clearwater that night, he was only fifteen and she... she slaughtered him before he could raise an alarm. I woke up with her standing over me."

Finally, a normal reaction. Jasper relaxed as she stuttered. I'm sorry , that sounded callous.

Everyone was very still as Bella looked at each of us in turn. We were in shock. Victoria was in her bedroom, so close to her and she survived. But what's more, a fifteen year old boy died guarding my Bella. I could only imagine how she would deal with that. She was never worried about herself. The pain that I felt for her froze me to my seat.

"I was very fortunate that Jake had been on his way to check on me even though it wasn't his night. He and I had started dating,"

She feels very guilty about even dating the kid. I think that your theory about moving on has been completely shattered. She was never going to move on. I'm sorry that I couldn't tell you that then.

She's editing that relationship. Alice stayed very still and only moved her eyes to mine. She and this boy had been involved as seriously as I had been with her.

" ... really he had started dating me and I was too greedy to give up the only functional relationship I had in my life in the interest of not hurting him. He came to see me that night and found Seth's mangled corpse outside in the woods."

I think she saw the body.

This isn't all there is. Be prepared, she's seen more. Carlisle finally looked up. He thought about the way she smelled and the look in her eyes, she smelled like a war veteran.

"He broke my house trying to get to me, that was the hole in the upstairs wall that you probably noticed. By the time he got there she had already started torturing me,"

She's editing for your sake again. Alice frowned and focused her mind to keep me out.

"... Charlie sleeps like a log and I was trying not to wake him to keep him safe. I was bleeding but she had fed so she could resist my blood. I was on the verge of death when he attempted to fight her. She injured him and got away. That is what you found in my room. I was moved to LaPush when I got out of the hospital, partially at Charlie's insistence – Billy Black convinced him that Victoria was a regular human psycho and that the reservation was safer than home."

We all relaxed and I heard several clear sighs of relief. Carlisle didn't sigh and neither did Jasper, they both knew better.

"There's more, that wasn't the scar you saw Edward. That one is on my leg, she shattered my knee cap with her fist and then perforated my femoral artery with a claw to kill me when Jacob arrived. I barely survived. The pack never let up protecting me, I didn't go anywhere, including school without at least two wolves. I tried to reason with them that she must think that she'd killed me because she didn't come back." She looked at me, her eyes were sad and apologetic. I felt horrible because she was the one to whom I should be apologizing, not the other way around.

I wish that you could feel how much she loves you. It's completely mind blowing Edward. Jasper fought a smile.

"But then, then the killings in Seattle started. We didn't know what was going on but someone broke into my safe house in LaPush and stole my clothes, my pillow, and several other things that carried my scent."

No! Jasper's thoughts turned away from Bella and came to settle directly on me; I had tracked Victoria to Houston. No! No! No! Maria! She met Maria and made an army... Oh Bella! She should be dead.

" Sam and I figured that Victoria had made some friends and that the fight was going to get worse. I convinced him to let me leave LaPush and go closer to Seattle after graduation, away from everyone so that my presence wasn't endangering anyone else."

That was my Bella, too concerned for everyone else's safety to worry about her own. I was positive that given the opportunity she would have offered herself up as a sacrifice just as she had in Pheonix. I refused to believe Jasper's rant about an army. There was no way even with an entire pack of wolves on her side that Bella could have survived a newborn attack. She would be in a mental institution, not sitting here calmly, almost stoically, telling the story.

"Jacob argued vehemently against that but I made Sam take it to the council rather than listening to him. Jake was always understandably too emotional on the issue of me and vampires. I camped, in the cold snow with the pack. Everyday I hiked out touching as much as I could to spread my scent around hoping to draw her to me and away from the reservation and Forks. Until one morning when we were ambushed."

Bella's voice hitched like she was going to cry. She moved her arms protectively around her. As she inhaled shakily the tears started to stream down her face. People had died to save her, that was apparent. Her face contorted and she wiped her eyes seemingly shocked to see tears before she launched herself back into the story. I wanted to be sitting next to her, to hold her and take away this pain.

"There were about seventeen including Victoria and another mature vampire. I came out of my tent when I heard the howling. She had literally made new friends, fifteen newborn vampires surrounded the camp and they were all coming for me."

Jasper's thoughts had descended into a stream of expletives regarding Maria and ethics. He couldn't fathom how Bella was alive and neither could I.

"Jacob, Jacob took on Victoria and her new partner by himself, he was so enraged. He was able to kill them both but he-he lost too much blood to survive. I-I watched him phase back into human form between the shoulders of two wolves just before he-he died."

Jasper stopped and looked me dead in the face. Her emotions hit him like a brick thrown through a window. We are now officially dealing with something completely different. She honestly feels like that's her fault, that she killed him. I know that you don't want me to but she needs help Edward. This whole thing is just too horrific. She should be dead. She would have been better off if you had killed her the first day you met her.

He wasn't accusing me but commenting on her emotional state. The road back from this was going to be long and difficult. I moved my eyes back to my love. There were so many tears that she had stopped trying to wipe her face, it was wet as was her blouse. Jasper tried to help her but found it impossible. Somehow Bella was blocking him. She wanted to feel this, she felt like she deserved it. I couldn't think or hear anyone else.

"The the younger pack members formed a ring around me, while the older ones actively picked off the newborns. I was utterly helpless in the middle. More wolves d-died and were crippled that day. After some of our fighters had been taken down the younger werewolves were forced to loosen the circle to fight. One of them missed a newborn as he lunged through a break in the circle at me. I was sliced from my shoulder all the way down to my hip by a claw. Then, a frenzy started as they smelled my blood. The wolves were able to kill the rest of the newborns because they stopped fighting to get to me and just started lunging at me. I remember tons of red eyes staring at me as my world faded away.

She paused briefly but was eager to be finished.

"I had to leave after that. I couldn't face anyone again. Occasionally I hear from Quill or Embry but they're the only ones I keep in contact with. I can't even talk to Charlie anymore." Bella pulled her knees into her chest desperately trying to hold herself together. Her body started to shake almost imperceptibly.

Esme was sobbing quietly into Carlisle's shoulder. Rosalie sat still in shock for once she had no pithy remark at the back of her mind.

"We never should have left!" Emmett clenched his fists and looked wildly around the room for something to hit. Rosalie came to her senses and steered him outside to go find something to destroy.

And Bella, my love, my life, refused to look at me or at Alice. Her body began to shake violently and the sobbing wracked her from her core. The sound alone was heart wrenching but watching it was torture. Alice attempted to comfort her but was unsuccessful. I moved quickly to hold Bella together. She fit perfectly into my arms and I forgot to even feel the burning in my throat as I lifted her with one arm on her back and another behind her knees. She wrapped her arms around me and I tightened my grip. The room cleared quickly.

"It's okay, you're safe now. I won't let anything happen to you ever again." My fingers ran through the small portion of her hair that they could reach while holding her and I laid down on the couch with her on top of me. I wrapped my arms around her delicate form protectively.

Nothing bad will ever happen to you again. I quietly promised her as she slipped off to sleep.

Her soft frame curled into mine and she lay very still for over an hour. I listened to every heartbeat, every breath. I lazily ran my fingers through her hair as she slept and considered how I could possibly fix this. After an hour she started to stir in her sleep and mumbled something unclear under her breath. Then it started, she tossed violently toward the edge of the couch. I shifted my weight and deftly placed her back on the couch without me under her. I breathed a sigh of relief but it was short-lived. Bella thrashed violently and whimpered in her sleep. Jasper and Alice cut off their conversation upstairs and he appeared at the foot of the steps.

"She's still asleep?" His voice was wrought with concern and he had uncharacteristically spoken out loud.

"She probably won't be for much longer." I prevented her from rolling off of the couch again. "How bad?" I looked to him in desperation.

"I haven't felt emotions like this since..." An image of a Civil War battlefield washed over me. Jasper remembered fighting in his first battle. Fear, terror, anguish, anger, she's dreaming of a battle or something close to it.

"NO!" Bella's bloodcurdling scream filled the house and she started to thrash even more violently and came dangerously close to hurting herself. "Just stop, I have nothing left." She whimpered and started to fight with someone unseen. When her nails dangerously raked her skin I caught her hands and restrained them next to her head. She then started kicking and I laid on top of her to keep her still. By then, the rest of the family had been alerted to her distress and made it into the room.

Jasper's thoughts betrayed how hard it was for him to hold himself together. I will do anything I can to help her Edward, anything. He practically cried.

Do you need help? Emmett was at my side the second he made it into the room. I shook my head in response. Even thrashing violently her strength was no match for my own. She cried out twice more before she finally stopped fighting me. She was awake but not fully conscious and she let out an anguished cry that broke my heart.

"Bella. Bella!" I tried to pull her back to consciousness. She struggled one last time. "Bella, wake up, you're going to hurt yourself."

Esme turned on a light and Bella's eyes flicked open. Terror rang through them. After a moment I felt her heart rate calm. I quickly pulled myself off of her. Suddenly as if a secret cue had been give everyone began whispering at once.

"What was that?

"Is she alright?"

"Right now she's confused and embarrassed."

"Was that a nightmare?"

"I'm going to go make her some camomile's tea. She used to like that."

"Will she ever be normal again?"

Bella let out a groan and sat up. She wrapped her arms tightly around herself. The utter anguish on her face ripped me to shreds.

Stop her! Alice saw Bella leaving, she was flying down the highway on her motorcycle and took a curve too fast. She wiped out and crashed into a tree.

"I need to go." Bella sat up and her head wheeled around until she found Esme who had stopped on her way into the kitchen. "Thank you so much for dinner. It's good to see all of you." I got to the door to the garage with record speed. I would not loose her again.

"Bella, there's nothing to be ashamed of, you're with friends." Jasper reached out to her. He was perhaps the only one who could fully understand what she had been through. Jasper not only felt obligated to help her, he desperately wanted and needed to assist her in some way.

Bella didn't listen to him. She was focused on me and only me. I blocked her exit and she knew that I was the one who would be most likely to give her what she wanted. I had almost always done that before, with one glaring exception. There were very few things that I wouldn't let her have. She was once again on the verge of tears.

"It's just too much. I-I need to leave." Her eyes were panicked and still locked onto mine.

She's going to bolt. Jasper and Alice thought simultaneously.

"You're suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Bella, nightmares are normal." Carlisle and Jasper glanced at each other and started to approach her from behind. Bella seemed to sense this and tensed as if for an attack.

"Please, it's just too much for one day." All of my resolve crumpled with that one word, please. It was my undoing. "I can't – I can't do this right now. I need to be home, in my own bed." Her voice pulled on me further, if she was that desperate to leave, I would find a safe way for her to do it. "Being here with you it just... It brings up too much emotion is what it does."

You're going to follow her. Alice sighed softly.

Don't go, don't let her go, Esme pleaded looking at my face.

We can help her more if she's compliant, we need to find a way to placate her. Carlisle had noticed her tense posture and ceased his approach.

"It hurts too much. I need some space. I need to ride. I need to get out of here, to be alone." Bella was on the verge of hyperventilating. Her hand still clutched her chest and she stood in a defensive posture. "You can follow me home."

The constant mental chatter from my family intensified but by their tone I could tell that Alice and Jasper approved of this compromise. Emmett, Rose and Esme continued their silent arguments with this plan but I raised my hand to stop them. I would keep her safe.

I turned and opened the door and Bella brushed past me in a flash. In order to reach the Mercedes and get it started before she was out of the garage I had to use the advantage that vampiric speed offered me. No sooner than I was turning the key, she was kicking the bike to life beneath her. She executed a very tight turn that brought her delicate body very close to the floor. If my heart had still been beating it would have stopped in that instant. I hadn't had the opportunity to watch her her ride. Riding with her had been exhilarating and intimate but watching the way the bike moved with her was mesmerizing. She fortunately avoided the highway averting Alice's vision and instead followed back roads taking a much less direct route home.

The tension seemed to leave her body as she went around curves and shot down straightaways. The pace she set made me wish that I had pulled out the Vanquish. It hadn't been driven much lately and I was beginning to get jealous of the fun Bella was having. I hated to admit it but my brothers were right about the motorcycle, watching her ride it was almost too appealing.

Intellectually I understood that regaining her trust would take time. Emotionally I had difficulty dealing with the concept of time away from her. Things were going to have to move at her pace. For now, I would take what she would give me. If that meant watching her from a distance then so be it I would do it.

Eventually, she slowed and turned into an apartment complex, parking by the first building. My phone buzzed in my pocket. It was Alice.

"Yes?" I answered.

"Please make sure she gets her bags out of the trunk."

"I will." I couldn't help the slight smile that spread across my lips. I opened my door just as Bella removed her helmet revealing her disheveled hair.

"Had I known we were going for a joy ride I would have brought out the Aston Martin and had some fun with you." My voice came out in a near purr. I closed the car door and noticed Bella's eyes appraising me. "Alice called, she wanted to make sure that you got your bags out of the car."

She nodded and collected her things off of the bike. I popped the trunk and peered inside. Bella's arms were already full. The chivalrous thing to do would be to offer help...

"Do you want me to carry them up? It looks like she got carried away again." I looked down at the bags again so that she wouldn't see me staring at her.

"I don't know if you should carry anything up." She looked pensively at the stairwell in front of us.

"I won't even look in the door. I'll just set them down outside." I spoke softly to her in the same loving tone that I had used on so many nights years ago. She didn't respond and I took her silence as tacit consent. Her heels clicked on the metal stairs as she led me to her second floor apartment. She shifted her things and dug out her keys and played with them unnecessarily before putting one into the lock. I wondered if this was a signal and then we spoke at the same time.

"Do-"

"Well-"

She blushed and my hand touched her cheek reflexively. In an unexpected gesture her hand came up and covered mine. I desperately longed for things to be simple again.

"Do you want to come in?" She sounded uncertain of her invitation and she let her hand drop from mine. "There are things that might need saying."

"Are you sure you want me to come in? We don't have to do this now." My hand slid caressing from her cheek to her shoulder.

"There's just so much and I don't know where we stand." She sighed and bit her lip. That little gesture was still both sexy and the hardest facial expression of hers to read. It meant so many things.

"If you want me to come in, I will." I gave in to her proximity and kissed her forehead, feeling the burn roll down my throat. She inhaled deeply and her heart misbehaved.

"Please come in?" She asked as she wavered slightly. I reached around her and turned the key in the lock before opening the door. I was elated that she desired my company even if she did have things to say that may or may not be pleasant. I was a man hopelessly in love with a beautiful siren and I would go wherever she would lead.