A/N Sorry for the wait! RL is a bit busy and still requiring that I work on other writing projects. Explanations about the fight will have to wait until next chapter when everyone can sit down and have a chat together.
Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight, I'm not that cool.
Music:
Venice is Sinking: "Compass", "Ryan's Song", "Undecided", and "Okay"
(Use their web page to find the music, not YouTube)
I don't know how long the drive back to the house took. Bella lay in my arms burning up and limp. She occasionally let out a whimper or jerked involuntarily but overall she remained quiet and her heartbeat was strong and constant. Emmett focused solely on the road. I could see only the path ahead of him in his mind. He was being kind.
Edward. Jasper turned his head from the windshield to look at me in the back seat. I know that it's not the way that either one of you wanted it to happen but there is more good than bad in this situation.
"I know Jasper." I pulled Bella closer to my chest and adjusted her body across the seat.
"At least she had the opportunity to choose." Emmett chimed in. "She's not going to be as upset." Rosalie won't be ticked off either since she was dying. He raised an eyebrow at the rear view mirror for emphasis. I caught the gesture and gave him a weak smile.
"I'm worried about her." I admitted.
"There's nothing new there." Emmett grinned from ear to ear. I'm positive that you even worried about her when you thought she was dead.
I half-heartedly scowled at him. Emmett was trying very hard to lift my mood. Jasper apparently didn't feel that it was necessary.
Are you going to allow yourself to be happy when this is over? Jasper kept his eyes forward this time.
"Would the two of you like to continue this conversation out loud?" I couldn't hide my irritation.
"I was just inquiring as to whether or not our dear brother would allow himself to be happy now that Bella is going to be safe and essentially unbreakable." Jasper filled Emmett in.
"Well, I wasn't being helpful so much as commenting on his general state of worry and his flair for the dramatic." Emmett tried to hide his smirk.
"Are the two of you finished?"
"Not by a long shot." Emmett shook his head. "You my dear brother are about to have everything you've ever wanted and you're not happy about it. Most guys in your position would actually be able to crack a smile but not you. Instead, you're sitting back there grousing like an old woman because it didn't work out the way that you wanted."
I groaned. Emmett and Jasper were actually going to continue to psychoanalyze me for the rest of the drive. I should have ridden with Alice.
"She's in pain."
"You're not fooling anyone." Jasper grumbled. "You're worried about her soul, admit it."
"So what if I am? Can you tell me that you wouldn't be upset in my situation?" I shot daggers at the back of his seat with my eyes.
"We are what we are and you have to let it go." Emmett paused. "Apparently it doesn't bother the lady that you're a soul-less vampire and so far a lack of a soul hasn't prevented you from making yourself feel guilty all the time."
"I don't get your point."
"I'm not going to agree or disagree with you as to whether or not the existential soul stuff is actually real but for the sake of argument let's say that it is. Okay, so what exactly is a soul? It's the essence of you that lives in your body, right?" I nodded. "Now, if you didn't have a soul and could remain living your body would rule your life?"
"Correct."
"Well, the fact that Bella is still alive in your arms at this moment disproves your soul less theory, doesn't it?"
"Emmett-"
"No, hear me out. What does your body want every time you're near her?" He smiled. "Your body wants her blood. You want to drain her dry to satiate your thirst and kill that burn in your throat." He raised a finger in the air. "However, you haven't fed off of her. What did you do instead Edward? You fell in love with her and exercised an immense degree of self control in both remaining close to her and then staying away for what you thought was her own good." He shot a triumphant look at Jasper and returned his hand to the wheel. "If you don't have a soul, I don't know who does." Just let that sink in before you argue.
I sat flabbergasted in the back of the jeep. Emmett had just run circles around me with logic. I had to search for an argument.
"Regardless of the fact that I've exercised self control it's still widely accepted by religion that vampires have no souls." I cocked an eyebrow.
"It's not widely accepted by anyone that we actually exist." He shot back. "Admit it, you're allergic to being happy."
"I am not-"
Jasper began coughing something that sounded like an expletive and received a high five from Emmett for his display.
"Come on Edward, I above all others know that you are what I like to call 'happiness resistant'. I could pump sunshine and flowers over to your sorry butt all day and you'd still find something wrong with it. At this point, I don't even try to alter your moods anymore unless I think that you're endangering someone else."
"Fine" I acquiesced.
"You're lucky that Bella isn't an empath," Jasper grinned, "because you are full of it. If you think that anyone in this car bought that, you're wrong."
"Edward, we're not asking for a miracle. It would just be nice if you could allow yourself to be happy again."
"I'll try."
Do it for her. Jasper looked at Bella curled up in my lap. She's been through a lot and she deserves you whole.
I nodded and turned my attention to Bella, effectively closing the conversation.
We reached the house before the other two vehicles. Quil and Rachel agreed that they would feel more comfortable at Bella's apartment than the house. So, Rosalie and Carlisle drove them there in Quil's beat up Ford Focus. I couldn't figure out how they all fit into that car with his leg still in a splint and hers wrapped. It would take them significantly longer to get home due to the speed of the car and having to get them settled into Bella's place before heading home.
Alice and Esme pulled in within seconds of our arrival. I was shifting Bella into my arms while Jasper opened the door for me, and Emmett moved to get the door to the house open. Bella stirred again and I got her into the house as quickly as I could. Alice and Esme ran up the stairs to Carlisle's study in order to set up a place for her to finish the change away from the hustle and bustle of the rest of the house. The exam table that he kept stored upstairs would work.
I settled on the couch to wait for a few minutes while they got everything into place.
Bella shrieked just after I sat down. Her eyes flew open and darted around and her hands grabbed and scraped at the skin on her chest. She was going to hurt herself. I grabbed both of her hands and held them away from her body. Bella struggled like a mad woman to bring them back down.
"Bella, can you hear me?"
Her beautiful face scrunched up and she squeezed her eyes together like she was trying not to cry. She nodded in response but continued to writhe and fight to scrape the skin off of her chest. I trapped her left arm away from her body by pushing it under my right and holding it firmly between my arm and my body so that her hand clawed fruitlessly at my back.
"It's okay, we've brought you home. You're changing." I deftly caught her right wrist when she brought it up to scrape her skin again.
She's fine Edward. She's just confused by the pain right now.
"Shhhh. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
Jasper winced audibly from behind me. Bella locked her teeth together, let out a low growl and shook her head vehemently.
Well, that was the wrong thing to say.
I turned to look at Jasper where he stood on the stairs. He still wore his clothes from chasing after Bella that morning in spite of the fact that there were large slits in several spots on the shirt where Mark or Adrianna had ripped at it. He sensed my frustration and moved to stand behind us on the couch.
"Well, she wasn't angry until you started apologizing." He gave Bella a slight smile that she didn't see. She's not going to let you get away with blaming yourself for everything anymore.
"Can you help her go back to sleep?" I asked.
Edward, it isn't going to matter. It's going to hurt either way.
"She seems more comfortable sleeping." I argued and Jasper inclined his head slightly before acquiescing.
"You know this won't continue to work and she's going to have to feel it. The burning gets worse further along and by not letting her get acclimated to her current level of pain you're not doing her any favors." Jasper tried to reason with me as Bella went limp in my arms. She could probably rip the skin off of her upper body right now and never realize it. She won't be able to feel anything beyond the burn until this is over.
"But later she won't be able to rip her skin so easily." I was irritated with Jasper. His view of her transformation was purely clinical and he couldn't understand that it hurt me to watch her.
Calm down, brother. There's nothing that we can do to ease her pain.
"I just can't stand to see it." I pulled her small, limp body into mine and breathed into her hair.
There's nothing more that we can do. Trust me, I've seen more transformations than you have. Images of countless forms writhing and screaming in pain flashed through his mind. I winced at each of them. She's tough Edward. I've never seen anyone regain consciousness and not beg for death, let alone remain silent.
"She doesn't want to upset me." I explained.
That point aside, it still takes a lot on her part to ride out that kind of pain silently.
I heard Alice's feet on the stairs and tuned in to her thoughts. We're ready up here if you want to move her.
I looped my left arm under Bella's legs and carried her up the stairs. Her head lolled backwards and her hair swished with every move I made. I kissed her chin and then her cheek before we made it to Carlisle's study. I laid her down on the wide exam table and pulled her hair out from under her shoulders so that she wasn't laying on it.
I wish that it had happened differently. Esme sighed from the couch along the wall. I lifted my head and shook it at her. It would do no good for the two of us to blame ourselves for this. It was what Bella decided. She wanted to be a vampire. She was already a member of the family; she would just look and perhaps act a bit more like us in a few days time.
"Esme, you and I have to get past our guilt about this." I looked at Bella instead of my mother. "She's going to be furious with us if we don't and she's going to need us."
I know but I can't help but think that if it had been you or Carlisle that you would have found some way to keep her alive until she could make the choice for herself. So that she could choose this life without death hanging over her head. Esme shifted slightly.
"She asked you; she made the choice. She wanted this years ago and I refused to give it to her. Bella made that choice then without death hanging over her head." I neglected to mention my suspicions about her change in opinion over the years. "I denied her that; you just gave her what I should have given her long ago."
This is so different from watching Rosalie or Emmett.
"Or even you." I added.
Why is she so quiet? Esme stood next to me with her head cocked to one side; she listened to Bella's heart.
"I think that she's doing it for us. She doesn't want us to feel bad." I rested my hand back on Bella's cheek.
She has so much control over herself. Esme marveled.
"She really is special." I agreed.
Esme stayed by my side for a long time. Her thoughts were quiet and tranquil; she was on the verge of forgiving herself because that's what someone who's normal does. I, on the other hand, stood and worried and fussed over every movement that Bella made. Jasper was downstairs, but he continued to keep her unconscious.
I sought out Alice's mind and found her digging in a shopping bag that I forgot to remove from the car on Monday. It was a bag of clothes for Bella, things that she would never pick out for herself. She was searching for something in particular, a dark blue cocktail dress.
"Alice." I called in what to anyone else would have been a conversational tone.
She'll love it Edward. The image of Bella in Alice's head was not of Bella enjoying the dress. Instead, Bella looked down at it in shock with a slight grimace on her face.
"Try again, you didn't fool me." I muttered.
Oh, fine... the wrap dress it is. Alice was annoyed but her new image of Bella in said dress wore a much more neutral expression.
"Thank you. It's going to be hard enough on her without you making her play dress up the instant she wakes up." I sighed.
Alice opened the door to the study with a royal blue swath of fabric in her hand. It was soft and cotton and if Bella had had an opportunity to wear it, she would have liked it. Alice looked at me and raised and eyebrow challenging me.
Are you going to stay and be a voyeur while I change her clothes or are you going to leave and protect her modesty?
"I'll be back in a little while Bella, Alice is going to get you out of this swimsuit and I don't think that this is the way you would want me to see you." I hummed in her ear before slowly backing out the door and leaving Alice and Esme to change Bella's clothes.
I blocked out their thoughts to give Bella the privacy that she deserved and sat outside the door in the hallway. Esme hurried out a few seconds later and came back with supplies to bathe her. Alice had already acquired some of Bella's favorite bath items and Esme carried those with her.
Bella would be comfortable when she woke up. Everything would still be overwhelming but she would be clean, smelling like her own bath products, and she would be wearing something that she might have purchased on her own. If we could just keep the chaos in the house to a minimum and give her some time to adjust, she would be fine. There would be so many adjustments to make; there was no way that she could go back to her apartment. Bella would have to stay with us.
I found that comforting; she would be here. Would she want to be here though? I thought that she would want to stay but she had been hesitant all week. Unless my lips were on hers she held back. I tore at my hair and continued to look at the wall across the hallway. I found myself hoping against hope that she would still want me after the change, that she would still want the family, and that she'd stay forever. More than anything else in the world, I wanted her.
When Alice and Esme finished I slid back into the room. She looked otherworldly, like a nymph or some lost and forgotten child of the gods. Her hair was damp and fanned out above her head, her body curled partially in on itself, and her skin was pale and slightly reflective. She was beautiful but still looked somehow tragic. It took me a moment to asses why; the pain she was experiencing was etched into her features. I walked to her and smoothed a hand over her cheek, she was still hot.
I pulled up a chair and sat next to her for the night and the entire next day. She didn't wake even though the hustle and bustle of the house picked back up. Carlisle made trips between our house and her apartment to check on Quil and Rachel; Rachel reinjured her leg when she attacked Adrianna. The to were up and around by morning and on a plane to transport Brady's body back to LaPush by noon. Which led to the meeting.
Sam Uley got on a plane with a couple of the other wolves. The treaty had to be discussed due to Bella's unique situation. Carlisle explained to Rachel why Esme bit Bella but it seemed that Sam needed to speak with him about it, leader to leader. In this case, his Beta wouldn't do; the Alpha, the chief had to speak to Carlisle. This put the family back on edge. It was highly possible that Bella's transformation could start a war; we had never considered that a possibility.When Carlisle came home with the news he ran the details of the treaty through his perfect vampire mind and found the passage that he needed. We had promised not to 'bite'; we had always assumed that the language in the treaty stated 'kill'. This was the difference between the spirit and the letter of the law.
Sam's here and he's refusing to speak to us as a human. Carlisle cracked the door and peered into the room. He knows that you can read his mind and he feels safer meeting with us as a wolf. I wouldn't ask if it wasn't necessary...
"I'll come." I passed my hand through Bella's dark hair one more time and followed Carlisle out.
I'll look after her. Esme promised when I left the house with Carlisle, Rose and Emmett.
The meeting was long and unexpected. Sam didn't want a war anymore than we did. His main concern seemed to be Bella. He wanted to make sure that this was what she wanted, to know that she wasn't coerced, and that she had asked to become a vampire. We assured him that she was dying and that she wouldn't be abandoned. Then, we came to the end of the discussion.
I know Bella. She has a big heart and an oversimplified concept of accountability. She will blame herself for Brady's death, just as she has for others. He lowered his large head and looked directly at me. You need to help her though this leech.
I did not pass this exchange on to my family, but nodded in response to his request.
You are not redeemed in my eyes or those of the pack. You owe Bella much in order to gain our forgiveness. The minds of the other two wolves with him flicked to images of her as she'd been when I first left. The way that Sam found her on the forest floor, the months afterwards when she would hold her chest with her arms when she thought that none of them were looking, and a man that they identified as Jacob who worked so hard to bring her back from the edge only for her to plummet into something much colder when he died.
A very clear image of Bella swam to the surface, Embry placed it after Jacob's funeral in his mind, it was the image of Bella holding a crowbar and beating Jake's black Volkswagon with it while she screamed and cried. He had pulled her away and tended the small cuts on her face and arms. He had taken her back to the hospital with ripped stitches in her side and he felt the pain and rage that poured from her like a cloud of poisonous gas.
This is her third death, don't allow her to drag herself down again. Her soul can't take much more sorrow.
Their thoughts were painful but I had never known what happened to her and it was only fair that I witness her suffering, not just what she allowed me to see. I had been the cause of much of it.
"How do I atone for what I've done?" I asked the large black dog. His deep eyes searched mine and he barked a laugh.
Make her happy, she deserves it. He nodded to the other two wolves. Embry and I wish to speak with her after she is able. We want to explain the finer points of the treaty to her and discuss how it will be applied differently in her case.
"Applied differently?" I cocked an eyebrow.
Regardless of the council decision, I am chief and she is part of the tribe. Leah should never have been allowed to speak at that meeting. He remembered the day not long after Jacob's death when Bella sat in a hard chair at the council meeting and Leah argued for her removal from LaPush. In spite of Bella's perceived engagement to Jacob, which was never clarified by either party but understood by the tribe, Leah tried to convince the council that Bella should not be considered part of the tribe and no longer had the right to live on the reservation. Bella left of her own accord. Bella will have more rights than the rest of you, she will be welcome to cross the boundary with supervision and missteps on her part for the first few years will be forgiven.
"Thank you Chief Uley." I sighed in relief.
Sam. He clarified. I assume that we may stay at her apartment until she is ready?
"I'm sure that she wouldn't mind." I assessed the wolf in front of me. "If I may, I would like to get back to her. The process is painful and waking can be traumatic. It should be complete soon."
Go in peace vampire.
"I will call when she is ready to speak with you." I nodded before running back to the house.
I threw the door open and ran to the stairs. Jasper sat on the couch not watching the television that Emmett left on when we departed. Alice snuggled into his side, neither moved. Both were deep in thought.
Not long now. Just a few more hours. Alice had to concentrate to give me a vague time. I mouthed a thank you at her before continuing toward my goal.
I flew up the stairs and Esme met me with a hug. She's awake but still not talking.
I brushed past her into the study. Bella looked perceptibly different from when I had left her mere hours before. The skin on her arm was completely smooth, her face looked the same but different. She was even more perfect than before, except for the fact that her jaw was clenched in pain. I sat down on the table and brushed my lips to her forehead before taking her hands gently in mine and rubbing them, silently marveling at their suddenly smooth texture.
"Can you talk?" I smoothed a stray strand of hair that had fallen into her face in my absence.
She grimaced and shook her head.
"This shouldn't last much longer. You only have a few hours left to go by Alice's reckoning." I tried to reassure her and ran a hand through her hair. "She wanted to put you in a cocktail dress but I didn't think that you'd want that. It's still a dress." She looked so hurt and almost lost as she fought to stay silent through the pain. "Do you want me to talk?"
She gave me a weak nod and I launched into anything I could to keep her mind occupied. I told her about the meeting with the wolves, reserving the more specific items for Sam. Then, I decided to try to distract her with plans for our future, our future together. I wrapped myself around her and held her tight while she suffered through the pain. I supposed that I was doing well because Jasper didn't come up the stairs or scream at me that she was angry again.
I brought up the idea of going to Siberia. I noticed her collection of Russian literature and thought that she might enjoy going somewhere with fresh air and onion domes for a while. Siberia would be a new experience for both of us. I spoke a little bit of Russian that I picked up from the sisters in Denali, Tanya occasionally thought an arrant phrase or two in the language and I'd asked her to translate. Sometimes I regretted asking. It would be new and fun and the long nights this winter would be a blessing. Bella could feel more normal there until she got used to being a vampire.
I talked until her eyes snapped closed and her body arced up off of the table; a high pitched moan reverberated through her chest. Her heart was still beating and the beats had intensified and become closer together but her reaction was unlike any I had ever seen. I jumped down off of the table and called for Carlisle and Jasper. They had more experience than I did with this kind of thing. I was concerned. Esme, Rosalie, and Emmett hadn't reacted like this.
Jasper passed Carlisle on the stairs taking them two at a time when he sensed my panic. His eyes were wide when he reached the doorway. He plowed through memories and couldn't find anything like it. Carlisle was just behind Jasper and laid a hand on my shoulder.
Bella's mouth jerked open in a silent scream. She remained like that for exactly eight minutes before her body relaxed and dropped to the surface of the table.
I have never seen that before. Both Carlisle and Jasper thought simultaneously.
I heard Alice dragging Esme and Rosalie down the hall and to the doorway. Emmett made it into the room just ahead of them and stood just behind Jasper and me. Bella's chest didn't more for one very long minute and I thought that she was dead.