Chapter 4- Renewal

I felt like I had been forever changed in that moment. As I held the beautiful mortal girl in my arms, I felt poorly for the way I'd judged mortals, and on such a broad and widespread level. Clearly I'd been mistaken. Here was a mortal who couldn't have lived more than three decades, and already she had experienced sorrow that seared so deeply that she was fraying and unwinding at the seams in my arms. Her trust in me already was so unwavering and unbreakable though, that I held her as close to me as I possibly could. Not only did I want to make every bit of her pain evaporate, but I wanted to hold on to her. Except for her grief, I didn't want this moment to end. How selfish was I to have thought that living with pain for centuries was the only way to validate it? It hadn't taught me much, but this mortal had taught me something about pain. Mortals were certainly capable of deep pain, and some probably did suffer it for the duration of their life. They were simply granted the mercy of death to end the pain that otherwise had the potential to last as long as mine had. I realized then that I had bitterly judged mortals because I envied the eventual end to whatever suffering they may endure. In that moment, though, despite my anger and grief, I did not envy this girl, helpless and defeated in my arms. Her life was no easier than mine had been, and I wanted greatly to heal all of the blows that had been dealt so cruelly to her. Especially since her life would never be as long as mine had been, and since I'd managed to waste centuries even having as much time as I'd had, I didn't want her limited time to go to waste. That was the other thing that I didn't envy about mortals any longer. Though their time eventually came to an end, and their pain with it, it was so easy to waste, slipping away faster than an immortal could count.

Though my grief had been well-spent and justified, I realized in that moment how I truly had managed to allow my life of centuries past go to waste. It had taken a mortal, so like myself in so many ways, and a chance encounter with her to realize it, but in that moment I was so grateful to her, and vowed to repay her by bringing the joy to her life that she deserved. It was a mystery to me how to even begin; I hadn't even found the solution to my own sorrow, so I wasn't sure what assured me that I could solve hers, but I was suddenly filled with purpose and meaning, as well as a desire to live for the first time in eight hundred years. From the moment our eyes had met the day before, I'd discovered a part of me that I'd thought to be frozen a long time ago; the part that felt joy. I'd been able to feel, but only sadness. What had she stirred in me so suddenly and how had she managed to awaken it?

I backed away from her only far enough that I could look into her eyes.

"Are you alright?" I asked her, my heart blazing with concern for her.

She nodded quickly. "Yes. Yes, I'm alright, thank you." She wiped her eyes quickly, which were thick with emotion and exhaustion, and poured us each a cup of coffee. I couldn't refuse what she was offering me, especially since she was unaware that I was a Lycan, so I took the coffee politely and did what I could to conceal my disgust with the substance. It wasn't that I couldn't ever eat normal food, but it was a few days before a full moon, and my need to satiate my werewolf appetite overpowered my ability to be somewhat human in appetite during this time in the moon's cycle. That was what the anecdote was fixing- of course among the entire rest of my DNA- my appetite during a full moon. I was completely normal except for the full moon and the few days before and after, though now the anecdote had allowed me to eat beef and chicken and pork, and now grains during my peak werewolf days.

"I'm not much of a coffee drinker," I admitted, passing off a perfectly acceptable excuse to humans.

"Oh I'm sorry," she muttered. "I totally didn't even think to ask you. Well that's all the more coffee for me," she grinned, "I'm going to need it."

I laughed. "To conceal the smell of the alcohol."

"Yes," she laughed.

She led me to the great room of her house, which was very beautifully decorated. She had put much time and effort into creating a home with ambience for herself, and yet it wasn't overdone. It was less sparse than my own home, naturally, and of course I didn't think the less of her for it. Nonetheless, it was still a very minimalistic ensemble. She used very little to decorate, and made what she had count. I felt relaxed and at ease at once, watching the morning sun bounce off of rich dark shades of orange and brown and red.

"This is my humble abode," she said proudly, "and I often pass out here drunkenly," she added darkly. "Maybe I shouldn't have admitted that. That's bad."

"I pass no judgment. You've suffered much. I have yet to find a way to cope," I admitted, wishing to eradicate any need she felt to apologize for anything.

"Even for being a drunkard?"

"Even for being a drunkard."

She smiled, embarrassed, but pacified. It seemed I was succeeding at putting her at ease.

"I would hope one day you will find no further need for the habit, but especially while the pain is fresh I can't put blame on you for needing to deflect and dilute it."

"And what about you? You said you have no coping mechanism?"

"I ruminate in self-pity and just let the memories come and torture me," I said. "I've tried to block it for a while each day by teaching myself to play Chess, but the thoughts always come back. It doesn't help to not have an opponent."

"I can't really block the memories either, even with the bourbon," she said softly, in yet another moment of complete comprehension. She brightened a little. "Well we, as neighbors, have been formally introduced, and get along well. You could teach me how to play, and I'll be your opponent. Not that I like the idea of being your opponent, but I'll make an exception for a game."

I smiled. Her friendship was already so complete and loyal that she didn't want to think of herself as my opponent under any circumstance. "I'd be grateful for that. I could finally learn some strategies, rather than not just anticipating, but actually knowing my opponent's moves."

"Well it doesn't help that you're your own opponent," she laughed.

"I suppose not," I smirked, feeling uplifted. "Perhaps this morning will be as good as any, after you've gotten some food into your stomach." Just as I'd minded her to tend to herself, her stomach growled audibly.

"Oh my gosh, yeah."

After she had eaten, we crossed her backyard and climbed the fence to my backyard, and entered my house through the back door. For the first time, I felt an urge to pull up my blinds and let in the sunlight. I let her take the seat at my dining room table, and I stood, as I began to teach her to play Chess. Within a few moments of my instructions, however, sleep had fallen thick over her head, and she began to sag in the chair, into a deep sleep that was surely the most calm she'd experienced in a while, judging by how tired she'd looked this morning. But just now she looked so peaceful, even in the odd location of an uncomfortable and not so sturdy chair. I gathered her gingerly into my arms, and carried her up the stairs to my bedroom, pulling the covers aside, gently settling her onto the mattress, and pulling the covers over her limp and relaxed body.

Just then she stirred a bit in her sleep as I was turning to leave her be in the peace of my quiet room, sighing and shuddering, a low groan escaping her chest.

"It's so cold and dark. Don't leave me…"

Was she dreaming already? I wasn't sure, and believed that to be impossible in such a short time, though my room was neither dark nor cold. I spoke her name softly to see if she'd respond, the very sound of it touching me to the core. "Maya? Are you awake?"

No response. I had misjudged her state of sleep, however, as she began to toss and turn now. "Lucian, don't leave me. Stay away from oncoming traffic."

I froze. Her husband must have died in a car accident. That left me ice cold and numb for a moment. But I warmed over and felt my blood sizzle in the next instant at the sound of my name on her lips, and hearing her desperation for me, even if in sleep. The emotions it stirred deep within me, as her embrace had, surprised me. I decided to respond to her dream conversation, in hopes that it would touch her subconscious and ease her into a more peaceful sleep. I was hoping in the even deeper recesses of my heart that hearing me speaking to her and knowing I was there would be the reason she found that peace.

"I will, I'll stay away from oncoming traffic."

"Okay good, I was starting to worry about you."

"Maya?"

"Mmmhhh???"

"I'm right here." I swallowed hard, unable to stop the flow of emotion from my heart. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here."

She smiled angelically in her sleep now. "Okay Lucian," she breathed. "I'm alright."

"Yes, you are. You're alright now. I'm here. For always."

Her breathing slowed to normal, and her body relaxed. The only sound that filled the room was the sound of her breathing and my breathing. I sat down next to her on the bed and laid my hand gently on her back, watching over the beautiful woman who had given me life to experience for the first time in nearly a millennium.

A/N: I'm sorry if any of the interactions between Lucian and Maya seem to Bella/Edward-esque. I'd be lying if I said my writing hasn't at all been influenced by Stephenie Meyer after reading and enjoying four long books by her. I like her complex sentence structures, and sometimes scenes I write slightly remind me of things Edward would possible say to Bella, so I guess maybe I incorporated a bit of him into Lucian, but I try to keep the things he says close to how the character would actually act, and I try not to add too many modern idiomatic phrases into his language, either, since he's 800 years old. No copyright infringement is intended, and here's a DISCLAIMER since I haven't typed it yet: I do not own any of the Underworld characters- Lucian, Sonja, Viktor, Selene, Michael, etc. The only characters I own are Maya, Alex, Emery, and Misha-the characters I have created.