Chapter 6- Deliberations

I awoke a few hours later for a second time in my bed, next to the exquisite mortal who had taken my breath away. The rain was still falling rhythmically outside. Memories of our intimacy flooded my thoughts; the deepest of satisfaction being reached, a primal hunger fulfilled, and a bond shared that ran so deep. Our act of love- primal of a need as it was by design- was anything but primal. It surpassed anything that had ever been before, and transcended further above the planes of ordinary love than I'd ever conceived possible. As little as I knew about Maya in the factual sense, I still knew her. I knew her soul so well, and she knew mine, and I felt that in any instant I could read her by her body language, and through her eyes. I would do anything for her, excluding nothing, and I was certain that she would do anything for me.

There was one problem that troubled me, though. Maya did not know that I was Lycan. Yes, it was true that I was taking the anecdote to become human, but I had a complicated past- one that would be impossible to believe. It was a double-edged sword of a dilemma because I despised the mere thought of lying to her and telling her a generic story as to how I lost Sonja. She would surely believe me and have no reason to suspect something else had happened, especially what truthfully had happened. Still, I wanted to be completely honest with her. On the other hand, given how improbable the truth would sound, I would seem like I were not only lying to her, but a bonafide lunatic. As Maya slept in a restful slumber beside me, I deliberated and agonized over what I would confide in her about myself, knowing full well that we would eventually have this conversation where we delved into every layer of ourselves until we got to the core. I could not defer it forever, and my deep feelings for her would appear suspect and inauthentic if I avoided talking about my past for long or perhaps even at all. The slightest hesitation would make it appear that I had something to hide and that I didn't wish her to know me at all. I considered the option of transforming in front of her to provide proof of all that I was telling her, but I feared that I would frighten her too much, despite the total self control I had over the Lycan within. I would make no apologies for who I was, as I never had to Viktor or any other Death Dealer. Still, Maya did not know or understand a thing about Lycans or vampires, let alone possess the knowledge that either truly existed. To see such a fearsome looking creature that she knew nothing about would only manifest itself as a threat and mortal danger to her. She would not see the display as my own acceptance of myself and who I was. If I were to transform before her eyes she would not realize that I had the self control to not hurt her, and that I was still completely aware of what I was doing and who I was. She would be too consumed with the fear of the giant creature she would see before her, with its fearsome build, its sharp fangs, its rabid looking eyes, and its talons so capable of destruction. I would appear as though I would lunge forward at her at any moment. I knew all too well that I was no monster and a completely civilized being, but the natural instinct of a mortal human being faced with a creature appearing like a predator before them would be to flee. That was how mortals survived, and I didn't hold it against them. That left, then, the dilemma of how I would reveal anything about myself to Maya without it being a complete fabrication, and how to hold uttering any falsifications to her on my conscience.

Suddenly, my heart began to beat faster as I realized that it was almost time for me to take the anecdote, and I could not have Maya here to witness me in that much pain. It would be yet another frightening moment for her to bear witness to. Additionally, when my body was under so much stress, there was a slight risk that I would give in to temptation and transform. I would have to force her out, a thought which frustrated and pained me to have to do. I would appear so rude and so cold after what we'd just shared together. I comforted myself with the reminder that I'd be fully human in a month's time, and I would never have to endure doing this to her again, barring that her affections and trust for me did not wane by then. Nonetheless, I knew the sort of man I would appear to be just moments from now when I ushered her out of my door.

"Maya?"

She sighed an angelic sigh, crossing over from a world of peace and security to a world of waking and the pain I was about to inflict on her. Only in this moment, and by no cause of being a Lycan, did I feel like a monster. I knew what damage forcing her to leave would do to the perfect moment we'd shared just hours before with only a minimal explanation, inadequate at best, and an offer for a future rendezvous.

"Hi," she smiled, mischief glowing in her eyes upon seeing me still without clothing. "I remembered this time. You still owe me a chair though."

I smiled back, amused, and then was jolted back to a flood of self-loathing and fear- fear that she'd never wish to see me again after now.

"My darling, did you sleep well?"

"Um, yeah I did! After an afternoon like that, I'd say sedatives are officially ineffective by comparison." Her eyes and expression softened. "Lucian, that was the most amazing sex I have ever had in my life. Sharing it with you, and the feelings I have for you are what made it so incredibly satisfying. And I just want you to know that there's no one else; I'm not seeing anyone. You are the one guy in my life." Sincerity burned like my love for her in her eyes.

Her words stung me as guilt flooded my heart. This was not going to be easy. But she must know that I intended to see her, and only her, again.

"Maya, my love, I'm afraid I must ask you to leave. Believe me when I say that this was so incredible for me too, and there is no one but you. This moment has transcended all expectations I have ever had about love. But I must take some medicine, and the effects it has on me are incredibly painful, and I don't wish you to see me that way. But may I see you tomorrow? I would like… very much… to see you tomorrow." I was humbled in her presence, and completely at her mercy. The choice was left up to her. But of course, I was too late. The damage had been done. I watched as her face fell into a twist of agony, hurt, disbelief, and suspicion.

"So… so you're terminally sick? A-are you on chemo or something like that?"

"No, I do not have a terminal illness," I assured her gently. "The anecdote for it is simply very strong. I have a… genetic mutation that I'm undergoing treatment for, but it is treatable, and I'll be completely normal in a month's time. I've been treated for quite some time so I'm quite well."

Her eyes narrowed. She was definitely suspicious, as what I was telling her was quite unbelievable. As little as I knew about the modern world in which I lived in, due to never having been fully submerged in it, only lived in its underbelly, I knew full well how little consistency my half-truth held with the way modern medicine was practiced.

"You don't look or act to me like you have a genetic mutation. And even if it's internal and I can't see it, I doubt the medicine they'd be giving to you would be causing you so much pain, and if it were you'd be in a hospital where your pain could be managed if it's that severe. You walk around, you talk like normal, you act like normal, and you… well you certainly do The Deed like normal. And plus, I don't think I've ever heard of a genetic mutation being reversible. I'm no doctor but this sounds pretty suspect to me. I think you're just too chicken to tell me that there is another woman-"

"Maya, please, believe me love, there is no-"

"STOP! Okay? Just… stop. I'm flattered that you still want to see me again. At least, I think I'm flattered; maybe I should be disgusted given that you… Look. I am not going to sit around and just willingly allow it to go on behind my back while you're playing the Hanky Panky with multiple players. I have more self-respect than that. I get it. You lost someone you love. Usually a lot of people fuck everything in sight to get over it, and that's fine. Do what you want. Just be honest about it, God damnit, so that the woman can choose if she wants to be a part of it. I don't." She exhaled sharply. "You don't want a commitment, fine. I can take it. Thanks for the best orgasm of my life."

And with that she spun on her heel, with me close behind, as she headed for the front door, presumably to walk around the block to her house instead so that the fence wouldn't slow her down in taking the back way. I hated myself more and more as the tears began to stream down her face, and mine as well. If I could just get her to stay long enough to see one of the vials, then at least I could gain a little time longer to get her to calm down and regain her trust. I could then afford myself some time before I told her everything. At least then she would know that I really was taking a healing substance, and not seeing another woman and defiling the love we shared. I was frantic in my attempt to catch up with her, but her fury and scorn drove her faster and faster towards recluse in the privacy of her own home. I knew that she would hide away, now shouldering more pain than she had originally had, and all at my hand.

"Maya please stop and listen to me for one moment…"

"NO! Don't follow me! Just let me be alone with my misery. I just want to go home and be in pain! Don't come any closer!"

I couldn't risk doing any further damage, and so, helplessly, I let her go. The suffering she would surely undergo tonight was almost unconscionable. I could do nothing to stop it now, though. The damage was done. If only I'd just waited another month until I was human! But I couldn't very well have left her to suffer the grief she already bore alone after the state I'd seen her in the night before. I simply hadn't had enough foresight to realize that I could have easily pushed her away with the secrets I had to maintain for her benefit when I'd sought to help her heal. There was nothing I could do now, though. I had to continue taking these vials if I wanted to become like her. I was certain now that I had just undergone another great loss, however. If that were the case, I considered the possibility of either suicide the moment I was a human or even immediate suicide. All I needed in this moment to self-destruct was a weapon made of silver and I was done for.

No.

Such an act was despicable, unfathomable. No, it would only prove me to be a coward, and besides that I knew my mission now. I had to fight for her. She was more than worth it, and if it took an entire lifetime to prove it, I had to show her that I truly loved her.

For now though, I would wallow in my pain. The pain I'd caused her, the burning, searing pain of the anecdote flushing my veins of the virus that had turned me in the womb, and the pain of possibly losing her. How cruel a twist of fate it was, that in just a day's time we'd both wound up suffering more pain than we'd started with, all at my hand. I had only wished her joy- the joy that she'd brought me. I closed my eyes, bracing myself, and swallowed the vial of pharmaceutical substance that would change me back forever. I hoped that not a soul in the neighborhood heard my snarls and howls of mixed agony. From underneath me, the granite kitchen counter threatened to crumble under my strength. I drew all of the shades around my house and let the agony seep through and through.

A/N: I don't claim to know how people would actually appear (normal or not) with a genetic mutation or how they'd behave, and I figure most mutations can't be reversed with any medicinal practices, but I don't know how much research has been done about that or whatever. I'm just trying to sound scientific for the story.