Life was hard when someone actually felt threatened enough by you to send half-assed assassins to try and kill you with giant logs.

"It's obviously a trap," I sighed as the frantic woman tried to lead us to her "overrun wagon."

Aliara snorted. "No kidding. She's a terrible actress. Whoever hired her should try and get their money back."

"I bet I would've been much more convincing, if I were a scary bandit actor," I joked. "And better looking in a dress, of course. You would've fallen for it immediately, I know."

She turned to me, grinning deviously, "You talk about wearing dresses a lot: is this some secret Templar fetish I should know about before we keep going? Maybe we could stop by a dressmaker's shop in Denerim and get you a nice lacey number?"

I couldn't stop myself from laughing, long and hard, at that one. Leliana was giggling as well, offering her services in finding me a dress, though Wynne responded differently. "Children, shut up. If this is truly an ambush, don't you think we should treat it with some sort of seriousness? I will not save your lives if you plan on giggling like schoolgirls the entire fight!"

I pouted, having quickly learned that Wynne was another sucker for my kicked-puppy face: "You really wouldn't try to save me? Or the cute Leliana, who would never hurt a fly unless it paid her well enough?"

"Hey!" Leliana yelled and I thought it was because of my insult, but the increasingly loud sound of groaning wood convinced me to duck and roll, watching our leader leap forward and tumble much more gracefully. Wynne brushed bits of wood from her robes as she grumbled to herself, but the three of us were drawing our weapons out, catching sight of archers on top of the hills surrounding us.

The woman who had led us here to die, presumably, turned around and smirked at us as an androgynously attractive Elven man sauntered smoothly to her side. With only a quick hand motion from him, they attacked.

All joking aside, I made a beeline for the woman, who was clearly an apostate of some kind, while Aliara taunted the swarm of men with daggers to let me get through them, including the leader of their group, that Elf.

"Leliana, focus on the mage with Alistair, then archers," she bellowed, somewhere behind me. "Wynne, protective ward on me now!"

I knew that Leliana was following orders, as the mage was pinned down by an arrow before my very eyes, gasping in pain as I cut her down swiftly. I moved on to knock some of the men flanking my lady by surprise, knocking one over the head with the pommel of my sword and another down onto the ground with my shield. Aliara had locked blades with the leader, who had a disturbingly seductive cast to his face for someone who was trying to kill her. Creepy.

The perversions some people enjoy surprises me still.

Dispatching the group of assassins wasn't an overly difficult fight, but definitely a tiring one. Wynne rested against the fallen tree, wiping the sweat from her forehead, while Leliana disarmed any traps we might stumble on later. Well, that I might stumble over. Stupid rogue-y traps!

I looked around for my fellow Grey Warden as I emptied my waterskin. Surprisingly, she was kneeling next to the Elf with something in her hand, tilting his head up with the other. "By the Maker, what are you doing?" I demanded.

Aliara didn't bother to glance up, watching the killer's face as his eyes began to flutter open. "I want some answers and this man seems to be the leader, so I'll get them from him."

"So you want to keep the man who just tried to kill us alive?" Dropped on her head as a child, clearly. "What a great plan!"

With narrowed eyes, she stood up and told me in a voice that would tolerate no more opposition, "Alistair, we cannot get answers from a dead man. If he answers us and we find no reason to keep him alive after, we may kill him. Until then, however, you will stay your hand. Do you agree?"

I nodded reluctantly, feeling a bit foolish at having questioned her but still unhappy with this situation. "Yes, my lady."

She gritted her teeth and I smirked, knowing she disliked that title. Our brief spat was interrupted by coughing, however. The Elf had sat up and was looking about him, impassive except for a sigh. "It seems that I have failed, yet I am still alive." Good job, Mister Obvious, glad our trying to kill you didn't leave you as eloquent as Sandal. "I assume that means I am to be interrogated? Let me make it easier on you and just tell you what you want."

"Oh, yes, let's trust the assassin man to tell us the truth," I muttered under my breath, but from the tightened grip on her sword pommel, I knew she'd heard me.

"Tell me then, who sent you?" Aliara asked, voice more polite than I thought appropriate, given the circumstances.

The man looked at her, openly surprised for a moment at her manner, before smiling winningly at her. "Ah yes, my beautiful opponent. It is a nice surprise to walk from death's door and see your remarkable face instead," he stretched languidly and I wondered if I could somehow trip and stab him a little. "The man who paid the Crows to send their assassin was from Denerim. I think his name was Loghain?"

I swore, perversely glad to see our leader tense up at the name. "Loghain…somehow, that doesn't surprise me," she growled. I was shaken from my intense anger by the unsettling look that the assassin was giving Aliara, but she clearly didn't notice it, as she continued with her questioning. "Who or what are these Crows that you mentioned?"

Leliana interjected, "They are a famous group of assassins from Antiva. Greatly feared and respected, their reputation alone keeps other countries from invading! They are also quite expensive, so Loghain truly must have wanted you and Alistair out of the picture. We should be more wary."

I found her warning sweet, but rather unnecessary. He had already tried to kill us once at the top of the Tower of Ishal; I hadn't expected him to stop there and let us roam the world to drink tea and be on our merry way!

"Thank you, Leliana," our leader said just as the assassin began, "Oh, I wasn't aware that such loveliness existed in adventurers these days."

"Right. Can we kill him now please?" Leliana asked dryly. Funny that the bard never liked flattery much, but it was more proof that all women are just plain confusing.

Aliara sighed, shaking her head in exasperation, but was unable to ask another question, as the assassin was speaking again, silky voice and exotic accent starting to annoy me. "My name is Zevran Arainai and to be completely honest, I was never given much of a choice regarding joining the Crows. The only way out, however," I saw the gleam in his eyes and my stomach sank, "is to sign up with someone they can't touch. So…"

"…you want to join us. Interesting," my lady's wry tone made me feel a bit better, as did her next question. "You must think me royally stupid. What exactly would keep you from trying to slay us as we slept?"

Zevran snorted delicately, waving his hand in front of him as though he could wave her accusations away as easily. "You defeated me and over ten men with little trouble. So no, I do not think you stupid, but I do think you're royally tough to kill. And utterly gorgeous. Not that you'll respond to simple flattery," he soothed, eyes twinkling wickedly, "But there are worse things in life than serving the whims of a deadly sex goddess." He sealed that horrifying statement with a lewd wink.

Does that even work on women?! Oh yes, you were amazing in battle when I tried to kill you, now I can't wait to molest you in your sleep! Who would fall for that?!

Apparently, she would. "How exactly would you be of help to us, Zevran?"

"You saw my combat abilities, of course, and know that I am much better when unseen and behind my foe," he didn't hesitate to list his resume, hitting that checklist of useful qualities that made my stomach sink even further. "I could help you to recognize other attempts on your life as well as help develop strategies. I could also stand around and look pretty, if you prefer. Warm your bed? Fend off unwanted suitors? No?" He was practically purring as he propositioned her. Creepy.

"No," her voice was firm, but amused.

"Aw, that is too bad," oh no, he has a pout, too?! I didn't want competition for my one great weapon against these women! "But hopefully my other training appeals to your quest, yes?" He sounded…hopeful, but I truly didn't want to trust him. A-s-s-a-s-s-i-n, people!

We waited in silence as she deliberated, even Zevran quiet as she stared intently at him, reading him as intently as she had done with me. "Very well, Zevran. It will be good to have a person of your…skills to aid us."

"Whoa, whoa!" I interrupted, knowing exactly what he wanted and still not happy with it - not one bit. "We're taking the assassin with us now?!"

Aliara's jaw clenched for a minute before answering, "Alistair, there's a Blight, Loghain is trying to kill us, and we need all the help we can get. Yes, I am taking the assassin with us. Maybe he can help warn us of any future assassination plots against our lives. We don't have the luxury of ignoring any help we can take and you know it."

"Well, if ever there was a sign of desperation, this is it," I groaned.

She ignored me as she reached down to help Zevran up, gripping his forearm with one hand and steadying him with the other as he stumbled. Faked a stumble, it was clear to me, at least, because his eyes were wide and mockingly innocent as he stood close to our leader, leaning on her piteously as Wynne healed his wounds.

"I vow to you now," Zevran fell gracefully to one knee, still holding one of her hands. I felt steam pouring out of my ears. "I hereby pledge my oath of loyalty to you, Grey Warden. I am your man, without reservation." He brought her hand to his lips and gave her a smoldering look from under his long girly eyelashes, "This I swear."

He kissed her hand, taking far too long with the whole thing, but I wouldn't have made a noise that he later said resembled a tea kettle whistle if I hadn't noticed her response to it: she blushed. It spread over her cheeks like a plague and I wanted to punch something - hard.

Great, I thought. Now we have a pet assassin who is already undressing her with his eyes and hitting on her not two seconds after trying to kill us all. And he can make her blush. Damnit!

I was so going to keep watch over her tent that night. He could keep his damn sex goddess lines to himself!