Life was hard when everyone you knew was a pain in the ass.
I'm looking at you, Zevran. For some reason, our fearless leader had Zevran join us as we ran around Denerim like chickens with their heads chopped off instead of Leliana, who was clearly her best friend. The two of them were thick as thieves these days and frankly, I got a bit jealous sometimes. If Leliana tried to kiss her, I swear I would only fantasize for a minute before breaking that up!
Unless they were wearing something from Morrigan's closet. Then I'd let it go on for a while. I'm just a man, you know. I have needs.
Anyway, where was I? Yes. Zevran. Smarmy bastard – and I know bastards. Zevran took position behind my love and next to or before Wynne and me so he had to know that we knew exactly where he was looking the whole time. I felt like a tea kettle left over the fire for too long just watching him. Four hours of walking through Denerim, searching Brother Genitivi's home, searching for the lair that the doomed adventurers had warned us of, and looking for annoying thugs to kill, was simply driving me to madness.
I didn't crack until we were heading up some stairs and my love stopped us abruptly to crouch, shield in front of her and sword aimed at whatever she was sensing. I tensed in the back and checked to see if this was another damn ambush, but she grumbled, "It's cold here, another one of those damn phylacteries," and I knew we were safe for the moment. Zevran, of course, used that safe moment to "trip" and "land" on her with his "hands on her hips."
MINE. My mind was somewhat unhappy with this situation.
To say the least.
My hand gripped his hair and he yelped – remarkably similar to the sound tiny dogs make when kicked – and it felt so good until Wynne interrupted. "Boys, stop that this instant."
"Spoilsport," I managed to get out between clenched teeth. My love had turned to watch us as I literally took Zevran's tiny squishy neck in my gauntleted hands - why did she look so shocked?
"Alistair," she said in a voice that was just barely holding on to its patience, "please stop strangling him. I need him to pick locks and stab things."
"Yes, well," I tried to sound civil and conversational, but mostly my blood was boiling, "maybe you should explain to him where his hands are allowed to go and where they're not!"
"Alistair, I'm in full plate armor. I don't think he managed to feel anything up!" Patience gone, she smacked my forearm hard enough to make Zevran wince and me to let go.
Zevran pulled off handsome and suave even when his face was blue. Ridiculous. "That is true, my lady. Next time, I will try to cop a feel when you're starting the campfire." He had the audacity to wink at her! Wink! My hands were twitching, aching to wring that neck again.
Aliara looked up to the heavens in askance and Wynne was chortling behind her wicked grandmotherly hand. "Zevran, please explain to Alistair that you were only doing that because he's been frothing at the mouth for the past four hours or so."
"What?!" I knew my voice was a bit rough but she knew I was tense this whole time and let Zevran continue what he was doing?! She was as wicked as the other two!
"Fine, fine," Zevran sighed as though it was such a burden to tell the truth, "Alistair, teasing you brings me such joy that I couldn't help myself. Also, her bottom looks nice even covered in sheets of metal, yes, my friend?"
I wasn't sure if I should pout or growl, so I did what any man would do and kicked the icy phylactery. The Revenant was sure to shut them all up for a few minutes, at least.
Their outraged shrieks made me feel better, too.