Life was hard.
But honestly, I'm pretty sure I was harder.
Yes, I mean the perverted kind, the base and lowly kind.
I still hadn't avenged Duncan and I still didn't have a family, but my love was accompanying me to visit the half-sister I had learnt and dreamt of. So maybe things could change.
I had friends now, of a sort; Zevran was actually exceptionally funny and very useful– except when he stared so…luridly at Aliara and her delightful assets. She only rolled her eyes at us when we bickered about it, but it was definitely nice having Zevran around in Denerim instead of Leliana, if only because then we men finally had a chance against the cruel tyranny of women!
Though, in truth, Wynne and our Fearless Leader were more than a match for us. Zevran couldn't horrify Wynne with tales of debauchery without her horrifying both of us in turn with her tales while my Lady only needed to Look at me and I fell down at her feet like a house of cards on a shaky table. They had us, stones firmly in hand, but it was nice to have the illusion of equality, at least.
Plenty of assets to stare at, at least; no illusions there. Mmm.
Though I was disturbed by Zevran's fascination with Wynne's bosom. Eurgh. The woman was at least old enough to be his mother; couldn't he show her a bit of respect?!
The trip to see my sister – gold-digging harridan – was a complete bust. But Aliara defended me within that woman's home, even let me give a portion of our communal funds to the nasty woman; I knew that she'd helped Leliana with problems from her past, had found Sten's lost Qunari sword, reunited Wynne with her long lost apprentice, and defeated Flemeth for Morrigan's sake.
But had she ever held them as they stood shaking outside the door of the only family they thought existed? Ever shielded them from the stares of others while she calmed them down with honest words of devotion? She never told any of them: "You can't always choose the family you're born to, Alistair, but someday you'll have a loving family of your own. I know it. Don't give up for that harpy's sake, please."
None of them loved her to the depths that I did, I knew that with such certainty that there was little else in this world that could stand up to the truth of it. No one believed in me as Aliara did and no one would ever get to take my place at her side if I had anything to say about it. She promised me that we would walk down the Deep Roads together at the end of our lives and I was going to hold her to that promise if I had to strangle the Archdemon myself to make it so.
***
Denerim was a very busy place for us but I had to agree with Zevran's suspicions about Master Ignacio; the idea of doing jobs for the Antivan Crows was rather off-putting to me. "You know they tried to kill us, right?"
"Tried being the operative word, Alistair. No offense, Zevran," I had to laugh at the unapologetic smile she flashed his way.
Zevran only shrugged and grinned in return, flippantly saying that he was a much better mascot for Grey Wardens than an assassin for the Crows.
But Aliara's reasoning was as sound as always and our suspicions were unfounded just this once: the Crows could refuse to take a contract up against her and any of us again if we helped them out satisfactorily,after all. She admitted that and more to me later that night, as we rested on an incredibly comfortable sofa before one of the jobs they had presented us with; to save a boy from Arl Howe of all things. Even the Crows do good work for the right price, I suppose. But what she admitted shook me. With Eamon pulling his political strings for a Landsmeet, she was worried about Loghain hiring assassins for me. "I would kill them all with no mercy, Alistair, but what if they went after someone you loved instead? If they went after Goldanna or Eamon to get you to back down?"
I wanted to smooth the worriedly crinkled skin above her nose and the words fell out of my mouth as I was distracted. "Or you," I whispered.
"Or me," Aliara agreed. She agreed! But she wasn't speaking any longer and there was a light in her eyes that would be the death of me, I'm sure of it. "Or me, Alistair? Are you saying you love me?"
The words again slipped out of my mouth as though it were the most natural thing in the world: "Yes. Yes, I love you, Aliara. I've loved you for months and I'm no good at any of this…being near you makes me crazy and I've told you this before but I can't imagine being without you. Not ever."
My insides were twisting around like they were trying to crawl out my ears before I said something stupid and embarrassing and ruined everything: "I love you and I'm ready. For…loving you. I mean, Maker, I've never done this before and I'll probably be rubbish but you know that. I want to be with you before" – my eyes clenched shut as I tried to imagine what could part us; the thought too painful to endure until I started painfully. What did she think about all of this? "Wait! How do you feel… about me?" I remembered to breathe before she spoke, in case I needed to take a running leap out the nearest window.
I had somehow ended up kneeling before her. She was still sitting on a couch in our personal common area of the Gnawed Noble Tavern; she'd rented rooms for us while we took care of business in Denerim. There was a whole floor just for us, she had said, so that we could finally enjoy a night in soft beds. We had all pressured her to take the largest room, with Zevran winking and saying: "You should invite someone into it while you have such a large bed at your disposal to romp around in."
Was it his fault that I'm propositioning her like this?! Aliara had only blushed beautifully and not looked me in the eye as she told us all to gather for supper. Zevran put these dirty thoughts in my mind! He must have used Blood Magic!
Oh no, time to kill him, then, how sad!
"Alistair, stop thinking about Zevran and listen to me, you silly bugger." Aliara has a very sexy commanding voice, you see. It made always doing as she asked very easy.
I looked up, head nearly in her lap and one of my hands circled around her knee while she held the other to her heart. In spite of that sexy commanding tone, Aliara was all soft beauty in the light of the fireplace. Maker, be praised. She was smiling, as brightly as when I'd given her our rose and told her I loved her – though apparently it hadn't gotten through quite as I would have liked.
"Good, attention back on me, then," impish wench. "No good to have you finally saying 'I love you' and asking me to bed with you only to have you thinking after Zevran. I'm never letting you two pitch tents near one another again." She sounded so flippant that my heart started to ache, but at the same time she was stroking my face and neck to distraction, so maybe her heart felt just as light and floaty as my own?
"I love you with all my heart, Alistair." I saw stars. My mind finally shut down with joy and the stars were some kind of side-effect of immense hope-love-joy brainless ecstasy. Or permanent mental damage. Who cares!
"And if you don't come to bed with me," she was saying tenderly, short brown hair falling into her face as she leaned down to kiss my forehead, "I will be quite sore with you."
She pulled me up off the floor, close to her face and I was obeying because that's what a proper sidekick does, you see. I am hers as she is mine, but she was teasing me, not letting me kiss her, just to say: "Though if you do come to my bed, I suppose I will be sore because of you instead, hmm?"
Aliara couldn't be allowed to smirk at me with both dimples and wicked eyes or with words even more wicked when she had just told me she loved me. "Not right at all," I was grumbling as she giggled and our mouths caught fire on one another. "Trying to kill me with that mouth of yours, my love. Not right at all." My own mouth found a sensitive spot on her neck and she grasped my waist tightly as she shivered.
"I have much better plans for you and my mouth than killing, Alistair." Ah, yes, if I weren't already so blindingly aroused, I probably would've fainted at that.
Or maybe I did faint and she just politely pretended that I hadn't, to assuage my manliness. Just another thing to love her for!
"Right. To your bed before we cause a scene right here because of your mouth." I was moaning and trying to talk at the same time and her eyes – they were so dark and unfathomable it was like she was stealing my heart all over again.
But you can't very well steal what's already yours, my mouth whispered to her skin once we had finally moved to where I'd wanted to be my entire life. I'm yours, all yours, I told her ribs. I don't have any practical knowledge but – I conversed pleasantly with her hips – I have my spirit. My hands were telling her I can't believe how beautiful and strong you are as they slid up her legs.
Her body was enlightening me as I finally tasted the secrets the Maker had hidden upon it. Her hands were informing my shoulders I love how broad you are and her feet were scandalizing my calves with I love how warm you are. Your heart is beating so fast, but so is mine, her mouth murmured gently to my chest. You taste like sunlight and strawberries, her wicked tongue explained reasonably.
I've never felt so loved and wanted in my entire life. And when her voice began to tell the world exactly who was making her feel the same, I'd never felt so smug and successful before, either. I love you, our bodies hummed together, in sync in this as in everything else.
Truth be told, after that experience, I'll never understand how people call it "sleeping together." We did no such thing until morning began to peek into our room through the window and her head was snuggled under my chin, hair tickling my neck; sweaty, sated, mine.
Aliara was softly caressing my arm, which was wrapped tightly around her so my own hand could bury itself in the curve of her neck, and I was shivering, catching her tireless fiend of a hand and bringing it to my lips for a kiss. My other hand was poking and prodding her to turn again, to face me, and she did so gracefully, letting her free hand wander over my face, to trace the smile she found waiting there. "My heart really must be strong to survive a night with you," I told her, quite serious.
She laughed, happily pulling me back over her for a kiss; and if kissing her while dressed is enough to send me praying to the Maker, I can't even begin to describe what kissing her while covered only in our skin is like.
Of course, the knock on our door nearly ruined our intimate morning, more intrusive than the soft light of dawn, but Aliara was sweetly kissing my neck and notified me firmly that she would rip off my arm and beat me to death with it if I didn't ignore whosoever dared to knock at her door while she was busy. "As my love commands," I demurred, happily tracing the solid muscles of her abdomen. I had accidentally discovered that she was slightly ticklish right there and I was determined to make her laugh and gasp with pleasure at the same time.
A man's got to have some goals in life, you know.